Fight! Go for your dreams Ellis!
I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't know if tyler will go for her or not...and i don't know if i want to stop him, or to go for her myself.
Or rather...i didn't know.
Everyday feels like a dream...a bad one. Just so surreal, staring at the back of her head, laughing and joking, talking with people. But not me. She still seems to ignore me.
Today, she and Jennene, or however you spell her name, were talking just out of my ROH(range of hearing). They looked back at tyler and I, then laughed.
I assume there reason is we both like Laura, and both may or may not compete for her.
I did not find it funny.
I figure "if that's all it is for laura, some source of entertainment and amusement, then she can go to hell". But of course, she doesn't. Sometimes i feel like she's just playing with me, just mocking me and tricking me. Trying to feed me lines so she can do what she wants. I half expected her and tyler to end up together by the time last night was over. They didn't...which i am thankful for.
The problem here is: i don't know what she wants or thinks. All i know is she doesn't wanna date right now, and she wants me (and she said tyler, but i dunno) to wait for about a month. But, she almost sat on his fugging lap today. That was...fun...to watch. But she didn't. She wouldn't even say anything to me, i practically had to force myself into a conversation.
I gave her a beanie-puppy though ^_^. She liked it, and i'm happy.
I'm happy she liked it. But i want her to like me. I'm afraid that she doesn't want anything to do with me. It seems like it sometimes. I don't want to tell her because i don't want to make her sad, or mad. 'Cuz all i do is whine and complain to her, which makes her sad and upset. I think its because she's so confused with her feelings, and the fact that she also can't help me with this. I think it rips her up inside, and really hurts. Hurts me too.
But...but it seems like i can't so anything, like she doesn't want me to do anything...and yet she seems to want tyler to do something, to flirt. She seems to just want him to flirt and date and stuff. She won't even sit next to me, won't even call me unless i ask her, or unless she's worried. I do appreciate worry, but last night she talked to tyler for an hour or more about nothing, rather than call me. But, she did in the end. I don't know if its because she want to, or because she felt she had to. I just...nothing would please me more if she were to call me, today or any day, just to say hi, and to talk about nothing.
I miss it...i miss all of it.
The talking about nothing, the playfulness, her warmth, her kindness, everything about her was...is a treasure. Le amo, laura, Le amo. Two words i would give everything to hear again.
It seems like she doesn't even want me around sometimes...but other times i see or hear something from her that makes me feel wanted. I long for that. I wish she'd come sit next to me sometimes. I wish she'd try to talk to me about just...stuff. I wish that i could have my chance at getting her back. I know what i could do...but i won't do it. I love her too much to do that. I worry that tyler won't respect her wishes, and i worry that she will just let him flirt...but she won't let me. And that hurts.
I just...I just wish i knew how she felt. I know she's confused, but she knows weather or not i should continue. I just wish she wouldn't be so cold to me...as if i wasn't there. It hurts, but i won't stop trying.
Earlier i thought maybe i should stop, maybe i should just forget it. But reading my entery from yesterday...that is not an option. I may, even every day, have my doubts and my worries. But, if the get too much, then i'll just read that entery, and this one, to remind myself of what i'm fighting for.
To remind myself that one moment with her in my arms outweighs a lifetime of worry and pain. One kiss is greater then a thousand fights. But a thousand fights i'll fight to get her back. Every day, i will do my best to be friends, and to even flirt a little bit. Then, when i can, i'll flirt more.
Tyler isn't as serious about her as i am. The feelings he has is a crush...I'm in love with her. I think that, if we were to look at her feelings for me and him, it would be about the same. Love for me, crush for tyler. Love does not just happen. Perhaps you get hit by the first wave, but I don't believe that it's just BAM! i'm in love. not at first. It's not how it happened.
Laura and i were at her house, watching tv, and cuddling. I lay my head over her heart and listened. I felt my heart go as one with hers. I sat up and looked into her eyes. "What?" she asked me softly, her beautiful eyes starring up at me. Then, for what i believe to be the first time i really ment it, i whispered "i love you". She blinked, then a soft smile crossed her face. "I love you too". she sighed, smiling that beautiful smile. I almost cried, for love had hit me like a train. I kissed her, then laid my head back down. And for the first time...my life felt complete. I had no worries...no cares...nothing in the world was more important to me then her, and that one moment. I knew that she, this beautiful angel, was all i needed to survive the harshness of this world. I knew that, with her, everything could be perfect. And she knew it too, she remembers that moment too. I don't know if she thinks about it. But...thats what did it for me. Thats how love hit me.
It's how love hits me every night when i sleep, every day when i see her.
There were other such moments, perhaps too many to count. That's why i fight. Thats why I won't give up. That's why she's worth...everything. I'm not saying i'd never get over her. Time and neccesity would not allow me to dwell forever. I would probably meet someone else, and then someone else, so on and so forth.
But honest to god, i believe that no one else can make me feel the same way.
I don't know what the future holds for me, for her, for us. I hope with all my heart that we can try again. But, i will wait. I'll probably flirt with other girls in the meantime, perhaps even go on a few dates. But, unless something very spectacular happens, in one month (or around that time), i will go for laura. I will give everything i have, every "move" i know, every thing.
I would be a fool not to...wouldn't i?
Perhaps i am just a teenager who is just having trouble with his first major break up with his first crush. Perhaps in two weeks i will be chasing some other girl. But perhaps the sun won't come up tommorow, and perhaps my math teacher will cancel all homework forever.
But, perhaps what i speak of is as real as it can be. Perhaps i truely have found someone who makes me feel whole, and perhaps she was right. Perhaps she doesn't make me feel more of a man, but perhaps she makes me feel like the man I am. And, that to me is even better.
I feel that i know what love is, and i believe i found it.
I would be stupid to just let it go...stupid to not fight. I will never become obessive, or stalking, and if she needs/wants me to let go forever then i will. Because above all, her happiness is most important.
I do not write this so she will read it and come flying back to me. I doubt it would have that affect. I wouldn't be too put out, but i'd make sure it was real. I hope that we get back together, i really do. But only if it's right.
Again, i'd be a fool to let her just walk away, to let the best thing that's ever happened to me just leave. I won't. I'll fight for her, with all i've got.
Without Wax
Ellis Stackpole
LE AMO, LAURA!
Or rather...i didn't know.
Everyday feels like a dream...a bad one. Just so surreal, staring at the back of her head, laughing and joking, talking with people. But not me. She still seems to ignore me.
Today, she and Jennene, or however you spell her name, were talking just out of my ROH(range of hearing). They looked back at tyler and I, then laughed.
I assume there reason is we both like Laura, and both may or may not compete for her.
I did not find it funny.
I figure "if that's all it is for laura, some source of entertainment and amusement, then she can go to hell". But of course, she doesn't. Sometimes i feel like she's just playing with me, just mocking me and tricking me. Trying to feed me lines so she can do what she wants. I half expected her and tyler to end up together by the time last night was over. They didn't...which i am thankful for.
The problem here is: i don't know what she wants or thinks. All i know is she doesn't wanna date right now, and she wants me (and she said tyler, but i dunno) to wait for about a month. But, she almost sat on his fugging lap today. That was...fun...to watch. But she didn't. She wouldn't even say anything to me, i practically had to force myself into a conversation.
I gave her a beanie-puppy though ^_^. She liked it, and i'm happy.
I'm happy she liked it. But i want her to like me. I'm afraid that she doesn't want anything to do with me. It seems like it sometimes. I don't want to tell her because i don't want to make her sad, or mad. 'Cuz all i do is whine and complain to her, which makes her sad and upset. I think its because she's so confused with her feelings, and the fact that she also can't help me with this. I think it rips her up inside, and really hurts. Hurts me too.
But...but it seems like i can't so anything, like she doesn't want me to do anything...and yet she seems to want tyler to do something, to flirt. She seems to just want him to flirt and date and stuff. She won't even sit next to me, won't even call me unless i ask her, or unless she's worried. I do appreciate worry, but last night she talked to tyler for an hour or more about nothing, rather than call me. But, she did in the end. I don't know if its because she want to, or because she felt she had to. I just...nothing would please me more if she were to call me, today or any day, just to say hi, and to talk about nothing.
I miss it...i miss all of it.
The talking about nothing, the playfulness, her warmth, her kindness, everything about her was...is a treasure. Le amo, laura, Le amo. Two words i would give everything to hear again.
It seems like she doesn't even want me around sometimes...but other times i see or hear something from her that makes me feel wanted. I long for that. I wish she'd come sit next to me sometimes. I wish she'd try to talk to me about just...stuff. I wish that i could have my chance at getting her back. I know what i could do...but i won't do it. I love her too much to do that. I worry that tyler won't respect her wishes, and i worry that she will just let him flirt...but she won't let me. And that hurts.
I just...I just wish i knew how she felt. I know she's confused, but she knows weather or not i should continue. I just wish she wouldn't be so cold to me...as if i wasn't there. It hurts, but i won't stop trying.
Earlier i thought maybe i should stop, maybe i should just forget it. But reading my entery from yesterday...that is not an option. I may, even every day, have my doubts and my worries. But, if the get too much, then i'll just read that entery, and this one, to remind myself of what i'm fighting for.
To remind myself that one moment with her in my arms outweighs a lifetime of worry and pain. One kiss is greater then a thousand fights. But a thousand fights i'll fight to get her back. Every day, i will do my best to be friends, and to even flirt a little bit. Then, when i can, i'll flirt more.
Tyler isn't as serious about her as i am. The feelings he has is a crush...I'm in love with her. I think that, if we were to look at her feelings for me and him, it would be about the same. Love for me, crush for tyler. Love does not just happen. Perhaps you get hit by the first wave, but I don't believe that it's just BAM! i'm in love. not at first. It's not how it happened.
Laura and i were at her house, watching tv, and cuddling. I lay my head over her heart and listened. I felt my heart go as one with hers. I sat up and looked into her eyes. "What?" she asked me softly, her beautiful eyes starring up at me. Then, for what i believe to be the first time i really ment it, i whispered "i love you". She blinked, then a soft smile crossed her face. "I love you too". she sighed, smiling that beautiful smile. I almost cried, for love had hit me like a train. I kissed her, then laid my head back down. And for the first time...my life felt complete. I had no worries...no cares...nothing in the world was more important to me then her, and that one moment. I knew that she, this beautiful angel, was all i needed to survive the harshness of this world. I knew that, with her, everything could be perfect. And she knew it too, she remembers that moment too. I don't know if she thinks about it. But...thats what did it for me. Thats how love hit me.
It's how love hits me every night when i sleep, every day when i see her.
There were other such moments, perhaps too many to count. That's why i fight. Thats why I won't give up. That's why she's worth...everything. I'm not saying i'd never get over her. Time and neccesity would not allow me to dwell forever. I would probably meet someone else, and then someone else, so on and so forth.
But honest to god, i believe that no one else can make me feel the same way.
I don't know what the future holds for me, for her, for us. I hope with all my heart that we can try again. But, i will wait. I'll probably flirt with other girls in the meantime, perhaps even go on a few dates. But, unless something very spectacular happens, in one month (or around that time), i will go for laura. I will give everything i have, every "move" i know, every thing.
I would be a fool not to...wouldn't i?
Perhaps i am just a teenager who is just having trouble with his first major break up with his first crush. Perhaps in two weeks i will be chasing some other girl. But perhaps the sun won't come up tommorow, and perhaps my math teacher will cancel all homework forever.
But, perhaps what i speak of is as real as it can be. Perhaps i truely have found someone who makes me feel whole, and perhaps she was right. Perhaps she doesn't make me feel more of a man, but perhaps she makes me feel like the man I am. And, that to me is even better.
I feel that i know what love is, and i believe i found it.
I would be stupid to just let it go...stupid to not fight. I will never become obessive, or stalking, and if she needs/wants me to let go forever then i will. Because above all, her happiness is most important.
I do not write this so she will read it and come flying back to me. I doubt it would have that affect. I wouldn't be too put out, but i'd make sure it was real. I hope that we get back together, i really do. But only if it's right.
Again, i'd be a fool to let her just walk away, to let the best thing that's ever happened to me just leave. I won't. I'll fight for her, with all i've got.
Without Wax
Ellis Stackpole
LE AMO, LAURA!