(no subject)
The last three weeks since spring break have been the emotional and physical equivalent of a meteor barrelling straight into hell. I'm starting to feel the same stress and anxiety that I experienced last semester, but the stress is coming more from my personal life than school and activities. There's far too much for me to explain in detail so I'll just give a general run-down.
Scott broke up with me one night. I had been feeling very emotional that week and had a lot of homework to take care of, i'd had a few very intense and draining days of just burying myself in class and work. so i was feeling very needy of attention and someone to talk to. Naturally i was not in the right state to be let down, but scott did it anyway knowing well that the thing i needed most was some attention from him. he figured that if he were to help me throught the troublesome times that I had come upon, I would have become more attached to him. and he decided to break up with me because he felt he could not handle an emotional or physical relationship. why? he claimed because of his emotional instability. that if he were to fall into another cutting phase, a bipolar state, or feel depressed he would inevitably hurt me. later he admitted that he found my neutral or aloof opinion of his emotional disorders/cutting like being under a microscope, or as if i were a shrink and he was the patient. sure, i admit that his cutting and drug history and bipolar disorder did not turn me off as much as one would expect., but I figured he would find my appreciation for him despite any flaws to be comforting. I guess not. I repetedly told him that I found him fascinating and I guess that made him feel like a freak in a cage or something. and then he told me something else that i care not to discuss. lets just say that it has to do with sex and he decided he couldn't be intimate with me. another loss. all of this has come to be more disappointing than devastating. it occurred to me several times that his emotional instability could most definetly become a huge problem, but it did not stop me from appreciating him. i have been so incredibly lonely and i have been in desperate want of a relationship. a relationship in which i could find someone to talk to, someone who cares about me and what i do. i have been yearning for a stable relationship where i feel special, and sexy. one where i can be intimate and not feel ashamed. i want to feel important, i need attention and intimacy becuase i am entirely deserving and it has been so long...it's unfair. so basically i had this hope that perhaps scott and i would form a relationship that would soothe my desires. i though maybe i finally had found someone. then all of the sudden my hopes are shattered and any light at the end of the tunnel was squelched. as if the hope of a real relationship was dangled infront of me like a carrot then ripped away.
i have been trying hard to reconnect with scott but all i can feel is cold. it is so awkward. it's like i am no longer the person that he met a month ago. its like i have become a hideous sore on his being. even AIM conversations become high tension disagreements. i have opened myself up to him as much as i possibly can so i can someone find some way of reaching into him again. he's told me he looks at me differently now but i see no way in which i have hurt him, or why he could ever dislike me. his reasons for the break up were entirely his decision, out of my control and unbeknownst to me. i am still wondering a little what i did wrong. for maybe a week and a half everything was bliss. i felt for a brief time that i was a wonderful person, scott even told me so. i felt finally like i could be 100 and 10% my self without feeling vulnerable or exposed. then i started noticing that intimacy was limited only to kissing and touching and I didnt understand why. i started to feel a little distant, i wasn;t sure if i was his girlfriend or not. he confirmed it on fcbk( and i felt a million miles high, i was so proud of myself for finally not having to be that girl who needs a boyfriend.) but something was missing.
i felt devastated for a while, i felt embarrassed for failing again. i was a real wreck for a few days. i would see him here and there around campus and my heart would just sink so hard and so fast that my entire outlook for the rest of the day would be ruined. then i started trying to reconnect with him, trying to have friendly conversations, trying to eat lunch together, i was trying to suggest my willingness to just be friends and to suggest that i am over 'us'. I tried, I tried real hard. But scott just would not get over himself and I decided that I am going to forget him completely. goodbye! that's all! sure, it was nice while it lasted but it's a lost cause. i should no longer waste my time.
Scott broke up with me one night. I had been feeling very emotional that week and had a lot of homework to take care of, i'd had a few very intense and draining days of just burying myself in class and work. so i was feeling very needy of attention and someone to talk to. Naturally i was not in the right state to be let down, but scott did it anyway knowing well that the thing i needed most was some attention from him. he figured that if he were to help me throught the troublesome times that I had come upon, I would have become more attached to him. and he decided to break up with me because he felt he could not handle an emotional or physical relationship. why? he claimed because of his emotional instability. that if he were to fall into another cutting phase, a bipolar state, or feel depressed he would inevitably hurt me. later he admitted that he found my neutral or aloof opinion of his emotional disorders/cutting like being under a microscope, or as if i were a shrink and he was the patient. sure, i admit that his cutting and drug history and bipolar disorder did not turn me off as much as one would expect., but I figured he would find my appreciation for him despite any flaws to be comforting. I guess not. I repetedly told him that I found him fascinating and I guess that made him feel like a freak in a cage or something. and then he told me something else that i care not to discuss. lets just say that it has to do with sex and he decided he couldn't be intimate with me. another loss. all of this has come to be more disappointing than devastating. it occurred to me several times that his emotional instability could most definetly become a huge problem, but it did not stop me from appreciating him. i have been so incredibly lonely and i have been in desperate want of a relationship. a relationship in which i could find someone to talk to, someone who cares about me and what i do. i have been yearning for a stable relationship where i feel special, and sexy. one where i can be intimate and not feel ashamed. i want to feel important, i need attention and intimacy becuase i am entirely deserving and it has been so long...it's unfair. so basically i had this hope that perhaps scott and i would form a relationship that would soothe my desires. i though maybe i finally had found someone. then all of the sudden my hopes are shattered and any light at the end of the tunnel was squelched. as if the hope of a real relationship was dangled infront of me like a carrot then ripped away.
i have been trying hard to reconnect with scott but all i can feel is cold. it is so awkward. it's like i am no longer the person that he met a month ago. its like i have become a hideous sore on his being. even AIM conversations become high tension disagreements. i have opened myself up to him as much as i possibly can so i can someone find some way of reaching into him again. he's told me he looks at me differently now but i see no way in which i have hurt him, or why he could ever dislike me. his reasons for the break up were entirely his decision, out of my control and unbeknownst to me. i am still wondering a little what i did wrong. for maybe a week and a half everything was bliss. i felt for a brief time that i was a wonderful person, scott even told me so. i felt finally like i could be 100 and 10% my self without feeling vulnerable or exposed. then i started noticing that intimacy was limited only to kissing and touching and I didnt understand why. i started to feel a little distant, i wasn;t sure if i was his girlfriend or not. he confirmed it on fcbk( and i felt a million miles high, i was so proud of myself for finally not having to be that girl who needs a boyfriend.) but something was missing.
i felt devastated for a while, i felt embarrassed for failing again. i was a real wreck for a few days. i would see him here and there around campus and my heart would just sink so hard and so fast that my entire outlook for the rest of the day would be ruined. then i started trying to reconnect with him, trying to have friendly conversations, trying to eat lunch together, i was trying to suggest my willingness to just be friends and to suggest that i am over 'us'. I tried, I tried real hard. But scott just would not get over himself and I decided that I am going to forget him completely. goodbye! that's all! sure, it was nice while it lasted but it's a lost cause. i should no longer waste my time.