Saved Draft from Spring Break
I'm at home for Spring Break now. I have a few things to take care of, mostly some school work and ESA/MSCC business. I was planning on biking the B&A trail with Miles today but it was too rainy in the morning so I decided to cancell. However, not too long after I cancelled, the clouds parted and it became sunny out. So I went around the block a few times. I'll tell you that although Annapolis is only an hour and a half from Salisbury, the terrain is so different I can feel it in my legs-there's more hills, but nothing that I cannot tackle. Salisbury sure can be a perfect place to bike with the flat roads and nearly non-existant traffic. I've gotten so used to the traffic patterns and the ins-and-outs of the streets. Although, on Friday Scotty and I decided to bike to the library and I tried to zip through a yellow light before the cars could pull out but I did not make it in time. I sort of scrambled and wobbled back and forth to avoid this huge cadillac.... but couldn't keep my balance and I hit the rear fender and fell over...hard, right on wrists again (my wrists, shoulders, bicepts and elbows hurt from the impact). My drive train was bent and the chain kept falling off so I had to keep the gears shifted on 3/8, which made it very hard to bike two blocks back to Bike Sport. At Bike Sport I was charged $10 to have the part bent back into shape. That took only five minutes so we decided to go to the library anyway. It was a waste tho, because the books I was looking for were taken out. On the way back my chain kept falling off. So after I bid goodbye to Scott ( I met his mom, BTW) I took the bike to Salisbury Cycle and Fitness, where it was purchased. Two hours later it was back to normal but I had to pay $80 for a new drive train and a new helmet. But it's worth it.
That evening Miles was supposed to have picked me up from campus but never did. His story is that he and his friends were messing around on a forklift, resulting in a broken leg of so-and-so friend... and he couldn't come pick me up becuase he was busy tending to so-and-so in the hospital....hmmm, sounds suspicious to me. So I spent the night at Brian's house and we did the usual- get stoned, watch t.v. and eat chinese food. Brian is a great guy but every time I visit it become more and more apparent that he really needs to get out of the house and that he is upset or angry with something. The last time I saw Brian at a social gathering was the beginning of Sophomore year. I get the impression that he has been feeling depressed and unsatisfied with the way that his career life is going. He's trying to go back to college.
Things with Scott have been good so far. No sex yet, bizzare freaks me out! What? It's giving me a sort of control high. Sometimes Scott makes me nervous, like Madi did. For some reason I have always been intrigued and attracted to the underdog. Emotional baggage. I befriended the fat girl (ariel youngbar was her name) in elementary school. scott is an example of this too I believe. There is something very strange and terribly, terribly worrisome about the way we interact....or perhaps how i behave. Lately my own mind has been getting the best of me, its like being struck with lightning over and over again. I stop and journey deep into myself and isolate a particular scene in my recent life, then analyze and judge myself. it's all based on my own expectations of how one should behave and be and interact. Suddenly I've failed every basic expectation and my chest is struck with a bolt of lightning. I panic inside and imagine that scene how it should have been done. This process also happens when I think of the future. I create a model of myself who does things according to my expectations and I try so hard to replicate her. I think I obsess over my own image. Sort of like a personality dysmorphic disorder. Also, I think all of this is why I have become so scared and so worried over a relationship with scott. I have turned our interactions into a superior judgement of myself based on how I would want Scott to see me. I must do this, set this goal, make this boundary, think this way, sit this way, do that, don't do that.....on and on. But when I reattach my thoughts to reality I brush them off and continue with my life. then after a long period of NOW I stop and begin journeying. I think I may take a short break from Maryjane