(no subject)
Sometimes, I feel like people think that I'm ignorant. If that's the
way that I come across to anyone, let me know. I'm not trying to be
that way. Honestly, sometimes I just don't know things, and I need to
be informed...it's not ignorance...it's lack of knowledge. If that
makes me ignorant, then oops. Guess I'm fucked!
I have an example of this "high horse, Kyle is ignorant" thing. Tonight at AQUA, Mike DiToma was talking about The Laramie Project, a play of some sorts that he's working on. I asked, out of curiosity "Who is playing Matthew?" (Matthew Shepard, God bless his soul.) I honest to God did not know what the whole Laramie Project was about. Mike nicely said no one, he's not a part of it. Someone else, I don't honestly know her name, and if I did, I'm not going to put it in here, looked at me like I was a disgusting waste of life and fresh air. Sorry I was unaware. I'm not 100% informed of everything that goes on in this world. It's what makes me human. I can't apologize for that, so I'm not going to.
Someone once asked me why I didn't go to AQUA more often last semester...it's for the same reason that I sometimes doubt going now...I feel unwelcome there occasionally, as if I don't matter, like I can be thrown out and no one would miss me there. I love Allen, Jen, and Keri, and they keep me coming. But some people just don't make me feel like I belong there, and that hurts me as part of the gay community. UConn really is lacking in that whole department. There aren't many of us here, and the ones that are, or are involved as allies, seem as though they are on a high horse, and don't need to deal with petty freshman queers who aren't well-versed in all things queer, like myself.
Don't get me wrong. I love UConn, and I really do enjoy AQUA. But sometimes, I find myself doubting my choice to come here. Do I have a place here? I have friends, and all that jazz, but is this my niche, where I belong? If I need someone to have my back, am I going to have that here? I have it back home, but I find myself wondering if I'll ever get that here. These are the people that I'm supposed to be friends with for the rest of my life. Is this going to happen? Do these people care enough about me? I guess the summer will truly tell who's going to matter in the long run, and who's not. I have my Katie, my Michael, and my Sarah. Maybe that's all I need in life. But you three aren't here with me now. And maybe that's not what I need here.
I'm not going to transfer or anything. Yet. Maybe one day, I will. Maybe I'll find that this is not what I want at all. Will I be able to stay here for four years? Will I find my place in the UConn community? What about the gay community? I just don't know. I feel like I have many friends here, but no one to truly count on. Everyone here has that "best friend" who they can count on for everything. I don't know that I've found that here. I feel like I force myself onto people too much, that I overstay my welcome, that I make people somewhat uncomfortable. But I don't feel comfortable in my own room 90% of the time. It's a wonder I feel comfortable in my own skin. I know that I have friends, but how many of them will be that friend that rides on the bus with me when the limo breaks down (thanks Oprah!).
College is supposed to be the greatest time of your life. But I'm doubting where I am in life. I'm overly dependent on relationships with other people. People more than likely think I'm an asshole because of the mistakes that I've made in my very recent past, before I met Michael. Maybe that's why I feel like the outcast of AQUA. Because I was a dirty whore. But if that's the case, I feel like I deserve a second chance. I'm not that person. I don't feel like I should be shunned for the mistakes that I've made. No one in this world is perfect, and if someone was, they would be boring as hell. I find myself to be a decent person. I hope others see that too. And that brings me into another point in case, where I feel like people don't really see me as a decent person, but as someone who's always got something to bitch about, or something to make fun of someone about. I'm not a bad person. But if you see me as that way, then maybe we shouldn't be friends. I think I have friends who truly care about me (not just back home friends). I really hope I do.
Where do I belong in the world? Do I have a place here? I know I do, but where the fuck is it? And what do I do in the meantime? I guess I need to take Michael's advice and live life one day at a time. It's hard when you thought you had your whole future planned ahead of you, and then BAM! you come out of the closet. It's hard sometimes. Very hard.
This entry started out as one thing, and totally morphed into something else. But I feel a little better now getting it out. I want to be me. I want people to like me for me. Is that so much to ask?
I have an example of this "high horse, Kyle is ignorant" thing. Tonight at AQUA, Mike DiToma was talking about The Laramie Project, a play of some sorts that he's working on. I asked, out of curiosity "Who is playing Matthew?" (Matthew Shepard, God bless his soul.) I honest to God did not know what the whole Laramie Project was about. Mike nicely said no one, he's not a part of it. Someone else, I don't honestly know her name, and if I did, I'm not going to put it in here, looked at me like I was a disgusting waste of life and fresh air. Sorry I was unaware. I'm not 100% informed of everything that goes on in this world. It's what makes me human. I can't apologize for that, so I'm not going to.
Someone once asked me why I didn't go to AQUA more often last semester...it's for the same reason that I sometimes doubt going now...I feel unwelcome there occasionally, as if I don't matter, like I can be thrown out and no one would miss me there. I love Allen, Jen, and Keri, and they keep me coming. But some people just don't make me feel like I belong there, and that hurts me as part of the gay community. UConn really is lacking in that whole department. There aren't many of us here, and the ones that are, or are involved as allies, seem as though they are on a high horse, and don't need to deal with petty freshman queers who aren't well-versed in all things queer, like myself.
Don't get me wrong. I love UConn, and I really do enjoy AQUA. But sometimes, I find myself doubting my choice to come here. Do I have a place here? I have friends, and all that jazz, but is this my niche, where I belong? If I need someone to have my back, am I going to have that here? I have it back home, but I find myself wondering if I'll ever get that here. These are the people that I'm supposed to be friends with for the rest of my life. Is this going to happen? Do these people care enough about me? I guess the summer will truly tell who's going to matter in the long run, and who's not. I have my Katie, my Michael, and my Sarah. Maybe that's all I need in life. But you three aren't here with me now. And maybe that's not what I need here.
I'm not going to transfer or anything. Yet. Maybe one day, I will. Maybe I'll find that this is not what I want at all. Will I be able to stay here for four years? Will I find my place in the UConn community? What about the gay community? I just don't know. I feel like I have many friends here, but no one to truly count on. Everyone here has that "best friend" who they can count on for everything. I don't know that I've found that here. I feel like I force myself onto people too much, that I overstay my welcome, that I make people somewhat uncomfortable. But I don't feel comfortable in my own room 90% of the time. It's a wonder I feel comfortable in my own skin. I know that I have friends, but how many of them will be that friend that rides on the bus with me when the limo breaks down (thanks Oprah!).
College is supposed to be the greatest time of your life. But I'm doubting where I am in life. I'm overly dependent on relationships with other people. People more than likely think I'm an asshole because of the mistakes that I've made in my very recent past, before I met Michael. Maybe that's why I feel like the outcast of AQUA. Because I was a dirty whore. But if that's the case, I feel like I deserve a second chance. I'm not that person. I don't feel like I should be shunned for the mistakes that I've made. No one in this world is perfect, and if someone was, they would be boring as hell. I find myself to be a decent person. I hope others see that too. And that brings me into another point in case, where I feel like people don't really see me as a decent person, but as someone who's always got something to bitch about, or something to make fun of someone about. I'm not a bad person. But if you see me as that way, then maybe we shouldn't be friends. I think I have friends who truly care about me (not just back home friends). I really hope I do.
Where do I belong in the world? Do I have a place here? I know I do, but where the fuck is it? And what do I do in the meantime? I guess I need to take Michael's advice and live life one day at a time. It's hard when you thought you had your whole future planned ahead of you, and then BAM! you come out of the closet. It's hard sometimes. Very hard.
This entry started out as one thing, and totally morphed into something else. But I feel a little better now getting it out. I want to be me. I want people to like me for me. Is that so much to ask?