Picture based Drabble #7
[ooc; I'm not incredibly thrilled with this but it's been in my head and hasn't really gone away so I wrote it. I felt it was important for their to be a certain amount of equality in their relationship....but this is written weird. Sorry. I will resume my normal style after this. Thanks for sticking with me!! Oh, and I don't own Leif, although I wrote this mostly from his point of view...yeah, I can't even explain that one....♥♥]
Nightmares were nothing new for the Hemming-Gordon household. They were something of an expectation and they never lasted very long. Adler was beginning to train himself to wake up whenever he heard the sound of tears, instantly there to calm the boy who shared his bed. That's why he was incredibly surprised to wake up one night and hear the sobs coming from his own throat.
It took him a few minutes to fully rise from whatever horrible dream he was currently having. When he finally came to, he felt Leif's arms around him, the Dane was gently stroking his hair and whispering softly to him, very much the same thing he did when he was in that position. As soon as Adler fully awoke, his crying instantly stopped, feeling only confusion in the place of the fear and pain he felt in his slumber.
He rolled over to face Leif, his face and eyes a little too clear for how hard he had just been crying. But the dream was over, his mind was awake and he didn't even remember what it was about.
"How long was I crying?" He whispered into the darkness.
"Few minutes..." Leif's hand lifted in between them to wipe Adler's damp cheeks, removing all traces of what just happened. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine," When Leif didn't seem so convinced, Adler pulled the other close to him again, already feeling a wave of sleep coming back over him. "It was just a dream...I don't even remember what happened in it."
And that was that. When they awoke in the morning, Adler was his normal cheerful self, trying to keep Leif home by using his body as a persuasion tool and Leif still ignored his advances and headed out for his shift. Neither of them mentioned what happened the night earlier and they left it at that.
With the new foster kitties around, there wasn't much time to think of anything else anyway. It was much more work than either Leif or Adler were anticipating and although both boys loved the task, it was wearing them out. After only a day or two, both of them had circles under their eyes from the lack of sleep. Adler convinced Leif to let him do the late night and early morning bottle feedings, countering that he didn't have work or rehearsal to keep his energy up for so there was no reason why Leif shouldn't sleep. It took awhile but after Leif realized that there was hardly a way to win the argument, he agreed to let Adler stay up with the hungry, mewing beasts, but promised his housemate that on the weekends, the kittens were going to be all his. This was a deal Adler was able to accept.
Everything went fairly well after that. They both tried to fit in a nap or two when they weren't needed, spent every moment they could pressed together on the couch and when they heard their "furry children" calling them, it took only seconds before they were there to calm the sad, meowing voices.
It seemed like everything was going perfectly, that is, until the incident. They were cooking dinner one night and Adler, not paying attention, accidentally put a pretty deep slice into his hand with a kitchen knife. He immediately cried out, and grabbed a towel so as to not get blood everywhere. Leif, noticing that happened almost as soon as Adler did and rushed to his boyfriend's side to help him. But this time Adler pulled away.
The gesture was slight but instantly noticeable and Leif made a face as if Alder yelled at him, or worse. Adler tried to make up for it, pushing his hand out towards Leif in a sign of submission, "Sorry, sorry. It just hurts is all."
Leif nodded and helped Adler clean up, his eyes moving over Adler's face whenever he could get away with it. After about the third glance, he noticed how pale Adler looked and for some reason, he felt like it had nothing to do with the slice on his hand.
In the end, it was really Jerry that brought up the topic of Adler's odd behavior again. With Leif, Adler had been his normal self. He was joking around, always wrestling with the kitties or singing songs or dancing horribly while baking various goodies. Besides the light pale tint to his skin and the still sleepless nights, Adler was perfectly fine, or at least, so he thought.
They were having some more construction done, putting up a fence in their back yard and a dog house and a run, just a safe, enclosed area to keep all their pets contained in. Adler had excused himself from overseeing the work for a moment and left Leif alone with the few workers, Jerry took it upon himself to initiate conversation.
"He's been quieter lately...that Derek."
Leif just stared for a moment, taking a bit of time to realize that "Derek" was Jerry's newest attempt at saying his boyfriend's name. He smiled at the mistake before registering the rest of what Jerry said and becoming stoic again. "Quieter? No. He's been just himself."
"Yeah. He's a pretty good actor too..." Jerry said before shrugging and wondering off, leaving Leif confused in his wake.
After Jerry's confusing words, Leif tried to pay more attention to his curly haired partner. He started noticing slight, barely perceptible signs that everything wasn't as fine as he thought. Sometimes when Adler smiled, it didn't quite reach his eyes and when he wasn't laughing or joking he just sat there, looking sad and incredibly tired. What was worse though was that whenever Leif would comment on it, Adler would brush this off and start acting more upbeat to dismiss the idea that something was wrong. The fact that he was acting at all made Leif nervous.
He decided one day as he got off early from work that he was going to march home and demand that Adler tell him what was wrong. He ignored the most recent text his boyfriend sent and hailed himself a cab so that his arrival home would be a surprise. Even if he had to force the truth out of Adler he would do it. He would do it and if it came out that Adler regretted saying "I love you" or he didn't want Leif anymore well, he would still stick by getting the truth out because he didn't want to be with an Adler that had to pretend to be happy anyway...or at least that is what he kept telling himself as he sat nervously in the cab.
The house was silent as Leif opened the door, there didn't seem to be anyone home, even the construction workers were oddly absent. He went and checked the couch, Adler's usual place, but he wasn't there. He checked on the kittens next but found them all to be sleeping in a huddle, safe and quiet. He was about to call out for his boyfriend when Freja came padding up to Leif, her ears and tail down. Oh, no.
Leif ran to their shared room and before he even opened the door he heard Adler's sobs. He pushed open the door to find the man curled into a tight ball on the bed, his shoulders shaking violently as he hugged his knees tightly to his chest. It was the most horrifying image Leif had ever laid his eyes on. He ran to his love's side and hesitantly put a hand out.
Adler jumped and turned around, not expecting Leif to be home so soon but instantly latched onto him and pulled him beside him on the bed. Leif allowed himself to be moved easily and as soon as he was on the bed, Adler climbed into his lap as Leif stroked his hair and waited for him to calm down. With Adler in Leif's arms, the opposite position being the norm, Leif could tell just how skinny Adler had gotten, it was like he hadn't eaten for the whole week. He waited with an air of having more patience than he felt and let Adler calm down from whatever was happening.
It didn't take too long and soon Adler was just a puffy eyed, sniffling, teary mess in Leif's arms. Seeing no way of possibly getting out of this with a shrug and a declaration of "I'm fine," Adler decided to tell the truth.
"When I was younger...I always felt all this pressure on my shoulders. Pressure to be amazing, pressure to write a good song, pressure to live up to my parents expectations...I was just starting sixth grade when I started having panic attacks. They were horrible. They lasted only a few minutes but I felt like I was going to die. My heart raced and my stomach churned, I would start crying and shaking and have no control over it at all....my parents, well, they got me help and after a few months the attacks went away." Adler paused for a moment, wiping his eyes and playing with the hem of his shirt.
"After that...dream the other night...they came back. I would get so worried thinking I was going to have a panic attack, that I would end up giving myself one..."
Leif listened to him speak and kept up the steady motion of his hand through Adler's hair. There was one thing he didn't understand. Why were the panic attacks coming back now. The only reasonable thought in his mind was that they were because of...well, of him.
"The attacks...why are they back now?"
Adler shrugs. "I'm not sure the exact cause. I have theories but...it's probably just all the changes."
Leif's heart sank, his thoughts coming out in what he hoped was an inaudible mutter. "They are from me."
"No!" Adler spoke, a bit too loudly and quickly in the silence just before it. "No, I mean, you are part of the changes but...Leaves, it's me. I keep putting all this pressure on myself. Pressure to be perfect, pressure to not mess up and then as if that wasn't stressful enough, I kept telling myself I had to be strong. I was the strong one, I couldn't let myself slip because then I wouldn't be there for you. This is my fault. This is not you, it will never be because of you."
For some reason, this made perfect sense. Leif was the one that so far had displayed his mess for Adler to see. Adler was always so composed, always the one ready to joke it off or comfort the Dane when he was in pain but that didn't mean he didn't have his fair share of problems. Leif, feeling less pressure to compare himself to Adler's perfect boyfriend example, possibly felt himself falling more in love with Adler as he showed this fault.
"Skat, we help each other, ja? You will sing to me when I wake up crying, and I will be here when you get these panics."
"You mean, you're not...embarrassed or upset?"
The notion was almost laughable and the face Adler got made it even more so. He looked like a child that after being scolded, learned he would still be getting the treat he was sure to be deprived of. There was such a light of hope that Leif smiled and shook his head, kissing Adler's forehead gently.
"Nej. I would never."
Adler sighed, noticeably relaxing again and feeling an unbelievable exhausting fill him up. Leif seemed to notice this because he leaned back against the headboard and tried to coax Adler to unfurl himself.
With Leif on his back, Adler was free to lay against his chest, head over his heart, an arm placed tightly around Leif's waist, enjoying being the one getting the comfort for once instead of being the comforted. Leif didn't have the voice to sing to Adler so he did the next best thing which was to recite Danish fairytales from memory. He was only halfway through the original version of The Little Mermaid when Adler fell asleep.
Leif stayed awake and watched him, rubbing his back whenever he seemed distressed and making sure to keep any bad thoughts or nightmares away. He just kept a hand in Adler's hair, playing with those curls he'd come to love almost as much as the man underneath them and hoped that whatever this was, like every other obstacle put in their path, it would soon pass. And as Adler smiled contently, a soft "love you" escaping his lips, he was sure that it certainly would.
Nightmares were nothing new for the Hemming-Gordon household. They were something of an expectation and they never lasted very long. Adler was beginning to train himself to wake up whenever he heard the sound of tears, instantly there to calm the boy who shared his bed. That's why he was incredibly surprised to wake up one night and hear the sobs coming from his own throat.
It took him a few minutes to fully rise from whatever horrible dream he was currently having. When he finally came to, he felt Leif's arms around him, the Dane was gently stroking his hair and whispering softly to him, very much the same thing he did when he was in that position. As soon as Adler fully awoke, his crying instantly stopped, feeling only confusion in the place of the fear and pain he felt in his slumber.
He rolled over to face Leif, his face and eyes a little too clear for how hard he had just been crying. But the dream was over, his mind was awake and he didn't even remember what it was about.
"How long was I crying?" He whispered into the darkness.
"Few minutes..." Leif's hand lifted in between them to wipe Adler's damp cheeks, removing all traces of what just happened. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine," When Leif didn't seem so convinced, Adler pulled the other close to him again, already feeling a wave of sleep coming back over him. "It was just a dream...I don't even remember what happened in it."
And that was that. When they awoke in the morning, Adler was his normal cheerful self, trying to keep Leif home by using his body as a persuasion tool and Leif still ignored his advances and headed out for his shift. Neither of them mentioned what happened the night earlier and they left it at that.
With the new foster kitties around, there wasn't much time to think of anything else anyway. It was much more work than either Leif or Adler were anticipating and although both boys loved the task, it was wearing them out. After only a day or two, both of them had circles under their eyes from the lack of sleep. Adler convinced Leif to let him do the late night and early morning bottle feedings, countering that he didn't have work or rehearsal to keep his energy up for so there was no reason why Leif shouldn't sleep. It took awhile but after Leif realized that there was hardly a way to win the argument, he agreed to let Adler stay up with the hungry, mewing beasts, but promised his housemate that on the weekends, the kittens were going to be all his. This was a deal Adler was able to accept.
Everything went fairly well after that. They both tried to fit in a nap or two when they weren't needed, spent every moment they could pressed together on the couch and when they heard their "furry children" calling them, it took only seconds before they were there to calm the sad, meowing voices.
It seemed like everything was going perfectly, that is, until the incident. They were cooking dinner one night and Adler, not paying attention, accidentally put a pretty deep slice into his hand with a kitchen knife. He immediately cried out, and grabbed a towel so as to not get blood everywhere. Leif, noticing that happened almost as soon as Adler did and rushed to his boyfriend's side to help him. But this time Adler pulled away.
The gesture was slight but instantly noticeable and Leif made a face as if Alder yelled at him, or worse. Adler tried to make up for it, pushing his hand out towards Leif in a sign of submission, "Sorry, sorry. It just hurts is all."
Leif nodded and helped Adler clean up, his eyes moving over Adler's face whenever he could get away with it. After about the third glance, he noticed how pale Adler looked and for some reason, he felt like it had nothing to do with the slice on his hand.
In the end, it was really Jerry that brought up the topic of Adler's odd behavior again. With Leif, Adler had been his normal self. He was joking around, always wrestling with the kitties or singing songs or dancing horribly while baking various goodies. Besides the light pale tint to his skin and the still sleepless nights, Adler was perfectly fine, or at least, so he thought.
They were having some more construction done, putting up a fence in their back yard and a dog house and a run, just a safe, enclosed area to keep all their pets contained in. Adler had excused himself from overseeing the work for a moment and left Leif alone with the few workers, Jerry took it upon himself to initiate conversation.
"He's been quieter lately...that Derek."
Leif just stared for a moment, taking a bit of time to realize that "Derek" was Jerry's newest attempt at saying his boyfriend's name. He smiled at the mistake before registering the rest of what Jerry said and becoming stoic again. "Quieter? No. He's been just himself."
"Yeah. He's a pretty good actor too..." Jerry said before shrugging and wondering off, leaving Leif confused in his wake.
After Jerry's confusing words, Leif tried to pay more attention to his curly haired partner. He started noticing slight, barely perceptible signs that everything wasn't as fine as he thought. Sometimes when Adler smiled, it didn't quite reach his eyes and when he wasn't laughing or joking he just sat there, looking sad and incredibly tired. What was worse though was that whenever Leif would comment on it, Adler would brush this off and start acting more upbeat to dismiss the idea that something was wrong. The fact that he was acting at all made Leif nervous.
He decided one day as he got off early from work that he was going to march home and demand that Adler tell him what was wrong. He ignored the most recent text his boyfriend sent and hailed himself a cab so that his arrival home would be a surprise. Even if he had to force the truth out of Adler he would do it. He would do it and if it came out that Adler regretted saying "I love you" or he didn't want Leif anymore well, he would still stick by getting the truth out because he didn't want to be with an Adler that had to pretend to be happy anyway...or at least that is what he kept telling himself as he sat nervously in the cab.
The house was silent as Leif opened the door, there didn't seem to be anyone home, even the construction workers were oddly absent. He went and checked the couch, Adler's usual place, but he wasn't there. He checked on the kittens next but found them all to be sleeping in a huddle, safe and quiet. He was about to call out for his boyfriend when Freja came padding up to Leif, her ears and tail down. Oh, no.
Leif ran to their shared room and before he even opened the door he heard Adler's sobs. He pushed open the door to find the man curled into a tight ball on the bed, his shoulders shaking violently as he hugged his knees tightly to his chest. It was the most horrifying image Leif had ever laid his eyes on. He ran to his love's side and hesitantly put a hand out.
Adler jumped and turned around, not expecting Leif to be home so soon but instantly latched onto him and pulled him beside him on the bed. Leif allowed himself to be moved easily and as soon as he was on the bed, Adler climbed into his lap as Leif stroked his hair and waited for him to calm down. With Adler in Leif's arms, the opposite position being the norm, Leif could tell just how skinny Adler had gotten, it was like he hadn't eaten for the whole week. He waited with an air of having more patience than he felt and let Adler calm down from whatever was happening.
It didn't take too long and soon Adler was just a puffy eyed, sniffling, teary mess in Leif's arms. Seeing no way of possibly getting out of this with a shrug and a declaration of "I'm fine," Adler decided to tell the truth.
"When I was younger...I always felt all this pressure on my shoulders. Pressure to be amazing, pressure to write a good song, pressure to live up to my parents expectations...I was just starting sixth grade when I started having panic attacks. They were horrible. They lasted only a few minutes but I felt like I was going to die. My heart raced and my stomach churned, I would start crying and shaking and have no control over it at all....my parents, well, they got me help and after a few months the attacks went away." Adler paused for a moment, wiping his eyes and playing with the hem of his shirt.
"After that...dream the other night...they came back. I would get so worried thinking I was going to have a panic attack, that I would end up giving myself one..."
Leif listened to him speak and kept up the steady motion of his hand through Adler's hair. There was one thing he didn't understand. Why were the panic attacks coming back now. The only reasonable thought in his mind was that they were because of...well, of him.
"The attacks...why are they back now?"
Adler shrugs. "I'm not sure the exact cause. I have theories but...it's probably just all the changes."
Leif's heart sank, his thoughts coming out in what he hoped was an inaudible mutter. "They are from me."
"No!" Adler spoke, a bit too loudly and quickly in the silence just before it. "No, I mean, you are part of the changes but...Leaves, it's me. I keep putting all this pressure on myself. Pressure to be perfect, pressure to not mess up and then as if that wasn't stressful enough, I kept telling myself I had to be strong. I was the strong one, I couldn't let myself slip because then I wouldn't be there for you. This is my fault. This is not you, it will never be because of you."
For some reason, this made perfect sense. Leif was the one that so far had displayed his mess for Adler to see. Adler was always so composed, always the one ready to joke it off or comfort the Dane when he was in pain but that didn't mean he didn't have his fair share of problems. Leif, feeling less pressure to compare himself to Adler's perfect boyfriend example, possibly felt himself falling more in love with Adler as he showed this fault.
"Skat, we help each other, ja? You will sing to me when I wake up crying, and I will be here when you get these panics."
"You mean, you're not...embarrassed or upset?"
The notion was almost laughable and the face Adler got made it even more so. He looked like a child that after being scolded, learned he would still be getting the treat he was sure to be deprived of. There was such a light of hope that Leif smiled and shook his head, kissing Adler's forehead gently.
"Nej. I would never."
Adler sighed, noticeably relaxing again and feeling an unbelievable exhausting fill him up. Leif seemed to notice this because he leaned back against the headboard and tried to coax Adler to unfurl himself.
With Leif on his back, Adler was free to lay against his chest, head over his heart, an arm placed tightly around Leif's waist, enjoying being the one getting the comfort for once instead of being the comforted. Leif didn't have the voice to sing to Adler so he did the next best thing which was to recite Danish fairytales from memory. He was only halfway through the original version of The Little Mermaid when Adler fell asleep.
Leif stayed awake and watched him, rubbing his back whenever he seemed distressed and making sure to keep any bad thoughts or nightmares away. He just kept a hand in Adler's hair, playing with those curls he'd come to love almost as much as the man underneath them and hoped that whatever this was, like every other obstacle put in their path, it would soon pass. And as Adler smiled contently, a soft "love you" escaping his lips, he was sure that it certainly would.