Fic: V Aversions (V/Various, PG-13)
Title: V Aversions.
Author: Prochytes.
Fandom: V (2009)/Torchwood/Warehouse 13/Nextwave/Lost/Heroes
Rating: PG-13. Crack; mind-screw; swearing.
Characters/Pairing: Anna (V); Gwen Cooper, Ianto Jones (Torchwood); Artie Nielsen, Peter Lattimer (Warehouse 13); The Captain, Monica Rambeau (Nextwave); Juliet Burke (Lost); Ando Masahashi, Hiro Nakamura, Matt Parkman (Heroes).
Disclaimer: None of these people (or people-shaped things) is mine. Not for profit.
Summary: Five ways the V invasion did not happen.
Word Count: 500 (five drabbles).
A/N: Small spoilers for V to 1x05 “Welcome to the War”; Lost 3x07 “Not in Portland”; and Heroes 2x07 “Out of Time”.
I
Gwen prodded a body with her boot. “What are they all moaning?”
“I don’t speak V. But I’d say it’s something like ‘yes, yes, yes, oh fuck please yes, yes.’”
“The plan worked?”
“So it would seem. Our little diversion bought Jack time to break into Anna’s Bliss factory and... repurpose it.”
Gwen’s eyes widened. “All of them? At once?”
“Yes. The Advance Guard are getting to experience the avant-garde.”
“Is it safe to go on? Some of them might be able to concentrate despite Jack.”
Ianto raised an eyebrow.
“Fair point.” Gwen squared her shoulders. “Onwards and upwards, then.”
II
“Artie, why does the Warehouse have a place for the biggest spoon in the world?”
Artie sighed. “It isn’t a spoon, Pete. It’s the Anguifuge. An artefact from the Middle Ages. Saint Patrick himself once wielded it.”
“What does it do, then? Kill really big rice puddings?”
“It repels reptiles. Patrick once used it to banish all the snakes from Ireland.”
Peter’s brow wrinkled. “Not a lot of use in that. What are the odds that we’ll ever need to get rid of a country-full of snakes?”
Artie smiled thinly. “What, as you so eloquently put it, are the odds?”
III
“I’ll never forgive you for this, Captain.”
The Captain glowed sheepishly.
“Do you have any idea how big a First Contact you screwed up? These guys weren’t the Kree, or the Skrulls, or those pointless bird-people Xavier keeps sleeping with. They were on the level. Until one clown on a liquor run ploughed straight through the engine of their Mother Ship.”
“£$%&ing stupid place to park.”
“This would never have happened...”
“...in the Avengers. I know. Do you think this glow will go away? I look like a %^&*ing Smurf.”
“Ask Aaron. If his robot brain functions without the beer.”
IV
“Is something wrong, Dr. Burke?”
Juliet blinked. “No. Sorry. It’s just... do you ever have moments when you feel as though you’re someone else?”
“I don’t feel much at the moment besides morning sickness.”
“It’s been happening to me a lot, lately. Like the Universe is holding its breath.” Juliet shook her head. “I must be getting in a rut. Maybe I should take that job at Mittelos I told you about.”
“I hope not. I want the best here when Junior pops out.”
“You won’t need me.” Juliet smiled reassuringly. “Your baby will be fine, Ms. Stevens. Absolutely fine.”
V
“Cowboys!”
“Spaceships!”
“Cowboys!”
“Spaceships!”
Matt glanced away from Anna’s blank beautiful face. “A decision, guys?”
Hiro nodded. “You must make a western. That will keep her confused and disoriented.”
Ando snorted. “That is foolish, Hiro. We need a space opera. She must feel she is somewhere familiar.”
“Cowboys!”
“Spaceships!”
Matt sighed. “Fine. Since I’m the one trapping the alien mastermind inside a persistent dreamscape, I’ll decide. There. In the world I’ve made, she’s a hooker falling in love with a space cowboy. Are you both satisfied?”
Hiro opened his mouth and shut it again.
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
FINIS