(no subject)
life sucks lately...things are better with me and jon, but STILL not good... i am out of town this weekend. bored as all get out...and he hasn't called or imed me all day and i miss him...i am trying this new thing where i dont call him, as him to hang out, comment on his myspace, or im him...or anything...and see if he attempts to act like he cares enough about me to make any effort to do any of the above...so far nothing...and it sucks...i am so bored...and i actually miss him even...but he doesn't miss me :*( i need to stop complaining...but this is my journal for venting...and that is what i am doing...nobody really knows about this thing anyway...so its all good...and if you got a problem ...don't read it :P anyway...where was i...oh yea...i need to be thankful that after all these years i finally have a boyfriend...but sometimes i wonder if it is even worth it to feel hurt and have a relationship rather than feeling nothing but having nothing...i think i am afraid of being alone and that is a big reason that i have never broken up with jon...as much as i don't want to admit it...there has been many events where i could have...but i care a lot about him...and i don't want to be alone (this one is a bad reason to stay with someone but hey at least i am being honest though right)... i heard a song today and it made me think of what i want: "Someday, (I) want a big ol' ring with a big ol' rock that shines,
And a big ol' walk-in closet with shoes of every kind.
Yeah, someday (I) want a big ol' boat where (I) can lay around gettin' a tan,
But right now all (I) wants is a man.
With a big ol' heart, who can love (me) like nobody can.
Big ol' kisses that go on and on an' never end.
With a big ol' smile, he'll fill (me) world with laughter"
thats what i really want...i just want to be happy...i want him to hold me and tell me everything will be ok and that he is here for me...and that he cares about me...and i want him to kiss me without wanting anything more than that...i want him to encourage me and bring me up ...i have horrible self esteem...i want him to not be mean...and not say harsh things...i want him to not use a stern tone for no reason...i want to know that he cares about me like i care about him...and if not...i want to know so that i can get enough courage to do what i need to do, before it is too late...if things don't change...
i cant be in an emotionally abusive relationship forever...marriage is forever...and when you are dating someone...marriage is always a possiblility you must keep in mind...so the whole dating part is pointless if there is no way you can marry that person...it is just so confusing...becuase sometimes he says what i need to hear..and does what i need him to do...and is wonderful...but when he isnt it hurts twice as bad...i can't be with some one who brings me down more than i bring myself down and my family brings me down...the longer i stay the harder it will be to leave..the worse it gets the more i see the need to leave...but the good parts make me stay ...along with my fears of being alone...however this relationship also makes me feel like nobody else would want me...so i need to stay...but if a relationship makes you feel that way ...that is bad...
this is so confusing...i just want to be happy...i want to be in a relationship that glorifys God and where me and him bring each other up..care for each other...and show it...i need that reassurance...i need quality time...so that he can show me he cares one on one...by words of affirmation and physical touch...without crossing boundaries of course...that is what i want...but maybe it's impossible...i need that though...i want to have love...marriage...a job...kids...a happy family...a happy life...is what i want realistic these days? is it like a dream or a fairy tail...
they say "no guy is worth your tears, and the one that is will never make you cry"
that makes me so unsure of everything...i try to think if it wasnt me if it was someone else...a friend of mine..what would my advice be to them...but i guess every situation is different...and everytime we talk about stuff it gets better for a while...then starts getting worse again
now i know one of my problems is that i am pmsing lol so this is a lot of emotional stress from that...but some of it i think all the time
what do i do? I need to lean on God!
why, when i finally have someone who says they care about me for the first time in my life, do i feel so alone and hurt?
he used to care about me a lot more than i cared about him...and that was in my comfort zone...but now i feel like the tables are turned...and i have a fear of being alone..and he doesnt...so that is really hard
i miss him so much and i want to talk to him and he hasnt even attempted to contact me today that makes me feel really bad...i want him to call me or im me ...i do not want to cry over this...cuz i know it is nothing...i am just being an emo girl who is pmsing but ugh...this sucks!
And a big ol' walk-in closet with shoes of every kind.
Yeah, someday (I) want a big ol' boat where (I) can lay around gettin' a tan,
But right now all (I) wants is a man.
With a big ol' heart, who can love (me) like nobody can.
Big ol' kisses that go on and on an' never end.
With a big ol' smile, he'll fill (me) world with laughter"
thats what i really want...i just want to be happy...i want him to hold me and tell me everything will be ok and that he is here for me...and that he cares about me...and i want him to kiss me without wanting anything more than that...i want him to encourage me and bring me up ...i have horrible self esteem...i want him to not be mean...and not say harsh things...i want him to not use a stern tone for no reason...i want to know that he cares about me like i care about him...and if not...i want to know so that i can get enough courage to do what i need to do, before it is too late...if things don't change...
i cant be in an emotionally abusive relationship forever...marriage is forever...and when you are dating someone...marriage is always a possiblility you must keep in mind...so the whole dating part is pointless if there is no way you can marry that person...it is just so confusing...becuase sometimes he says what i need to hear..and does what i need him to do...and is wonderful...but when he isnt it hurts twice as bad...i can't be with some one who brings me down more than i bring myself down and my family brings me down...the longer i stay the harder it will be to leave..the worse it gets the more i see the need to leave...but the good parts make me stay ...along with my fears of being alone...however this relationship also makes me feel like nobody else would want me...so i need to stay...but if a relationship makes you feel that way ...that is bad...
this is so confusing...i just want to be happy...i want to be in a relationship that glorifys God and where me and him bring each other up..care for each other...and show it...i need that reassurance...i need quality time...so that he can show me he cares one on one...by words of affirmation and physical touch...without crossing boundaries of course...that is what i want...but maybe it's impossible...i need that though...i want to have love...marriage...a job...kids...a happy family...a happy life...is what i want realistic these days? is it like a dream or a fairy tail...
they say "no guy is worth your tears, and the one that is will never make you cry"
that makes me so unsure of everything...i try to think if it wasnt me if it was someone else...a friend of mine..what would my advice be to them...but i guess every situation is different...and everytime we talk about stuff it gets better for a while...then starts getting worse again
now i know one of my problems is that i am pmsing lol so this is a lot of emotional stress from that...but some of it i think all the time
what do i do? I need to lean on God!
why, when i finally have someone who says they care about me for the first time in my life, do i feel so alone and hurt?
he used to care about me a lot more than i cared about him...and that was in my comfort zone...but now i feel like the tables are turned...and i have a fear of being alone..and he doesnt...so that is really hard
i miss him so much and i want to talk to him and he hasnt even attempted to contact me today that makes me feel really bad...i want him to call me or im me ...i do not want to cry over this...cuz i know it is nothing...i am just being an emo girl who is pmsing but ugh...this sucks!