the past
Andy and I have been talking a lot lately about our former relationship. Which I guess makes sense since he has his first relationship (actual relationship, I'm not counting the one-shot dates he went on) since the divorce and I'm in the first relationship I'm actually serious about since the divorce.
He said something last night that I think summed some things up really well: that we tend to fall back on all these cliches about why the relationship didn't work, but what it really comes down to is that we didn't like each other (in that way, we're great as friends). And if you don't like the other person, nothing else is going to work. There's stuff that he did that I couldn't stand and that I was always like, "I cannot put up with this for the rest of my life," but equivalent stuff that Ken does doesn't bother me at all, in fact, I often think it's cute.
Also, because we didn't want to be with each other, we weren't very good to one another, but neither of us were admitting it and instead subconsciously took it out on each other. Which is why his parents don't like me (well, they don't like me with Andy, they like me fine as a general person) and I think that's valid. I wasn't very good to him (nor he to me), but in retrospect, we know all that stemmed from not wanting to be together and had nothing to do with how we are when we're in a relationship we actually want to be in. Kinda like Elliot and J.D., when Elliot asked if it was supposed to be this hard. And the answer is, no it's really not, the relationship wasn't right. Andy commented that I'm 100 times sweeter to Ken than I ever was to him and he's right. I never wanted to do shit for Andy (and vice versa). It was always a bother or a "no, do it your own damn self." Like, last weekend, I took the time to make a cake and cookies for Ken's party. I really don't think I would have done that for Andy. And it's not just stuff like baking, it was even simple things like paying attention to each other. He never wanted to hear about any of my projects and story ideas and all the random creative-type ideas I had bouncing around in my head. Just like I never wanted to hear about anything he cared about or had to say. Neither of us could be bothered. And at the time, we thought it was just how the other person was, but we eventually realized it all stemmed from us being in an unhappy relationship. Now that we're just friends, we like to hear about the random things the other wants to talk about. I now like the stories about the Sports Guy because I no longer feel horribly, horribly trapped in a relationship that was totally wrong for me.
We truly brought out the worst in each other as a couple. And I don't care how many traits a person has off a checklist (good guy, gamer, likes theater, likes good food and wine, classy, etc.), if you don't *like* them, if there's no spark, the relationship is wrong and won't work. Which was what confused me for so long, I think. He has all these great qualities and, on paper, everything should have been fabulous, but I wasn't attracted to him (and I don't just mean physically, I mean that extra something where you know you *like* someone).
The other reasons we were together for so long are mainly inertia, our friends, and we weren't around each other much. We started going out in college and I think we were fine as a college dorm relationship, if we had just gone out that one year and then ended it when he moved, that probably would have been fine and made more sense. But the relationship just kept going and built inertia and we had all the same friends, some of whom we thought would take it badly if we broke up (and one of them did totally flip out when we did). Then when I moved down to Indy, I was working full time, going to class, lived 20 min away, and he generally couldn't spend the night because he still lived at home and his parents didn't approve (nor could I really spend the night over there). So we saw each other only once a week generally and though we did talk every night, it was never anything of substance or even anything that really connected us as people. That and we fought a lot. But we were stupid and thought all the fighting was because we couldn't be around each other more and that when we finally moved in together, we'd be able to communicate more and it would fix things. And oddly enough, we did communicate more and did fix things by realizing we didn't want to be with each other and should get divorced. ^^
This isn't to say I would have done any of it differently. I learned so fricking much about relationships, myself, and what I want (both in a relationship and in life) by that rather painful process. Also, so much of where my life is right now is contingent upon the crazy timeline that happened because of Andy. If we hadn't been together for exactly the amount of time we were and if things had fallen even just the slightest bit differently I wouldn't be belly dancing now; I probably wouldn't be a cosplayer; I wouldn't have discovered the joys of shibari (because I wouldn't have ever met Trae); I probably wouldn't have met or become friends with any of OLAC and all the related people that go along with that; I wouldn't have met any of my Chicago friends (including Ken); and god knows how much else I'm forgetting.
So, yeah. I think I'm rambled out for now.
He said something last night that I think summed some things up really well: that we tend to fall back on all these cliches about why the relationship didn't work, but what it really comes down to is that we didn't like each other (in that way, we're great as friends). And if you don't like the other person, nothing else is going to work. There's stuff that he did that I couldn't stand and that I was always like, "I cannot put up with this for the rest of my life," but equivalent stuff that Ken does doesn't bother me at all, in fact, I often think it's cute.
Also, because we didn't want to be with each other, we weren't very good to one another, but neither of us were admitting it and instead subconsciously took it out on each other. Which is why his parents don't like me (well, they don't like me with Andy, they like me fine as a general person) and I think that's valid. I wasn't very good to him (nor he to me), but in retrospect, we know all that stemmed from not wanting to be together and had nothing to do with how we are when we're in a relationship we actually want to be in. Kinda like Elliot and J.D., when Elliot asked if it was supposed to be this hard. And the answer is, no it's really not, the relationship wasn't right. Andy commented that I'm 100 times sweeter to Ken than I ever was to him and he's right. I never wanted to do shit for Andy (and vice versa). It was always a bother or a "no, do it your own damn self." Like, last weekend, I took the time to make a cake and cookies for Ken's party. I really don't think I would have done that for Andy. And it's not just stuff like baking, it was even simple things like paying attention to each other. He never wanted to hear about any of my projects and story ideas and all the random creative-type ideas I had bouncing around in my head. Just like I never wanted to hear about anything he cared about or had to say. Neither of us could be bothered. And at the time, we thought it was just how the other person was, but we eventually realized it all stemmed from us being in an unhappy relationship. Now that we're just friends, we like to hear about the random things the other wants to talk about. I now like the stories about the Sports Guy because I no longer feel horribly, horribly trapped in a relationship that was totally wrong for me.
We truly brought out the worst in each other as a couple. And I don't care how many traits a person has off a checklist (good guy, gamer, likes theater, likes good food and wine, classy, etc.), if you don't *like* them, if there's no spark, the relationship is wrong and won't work. Which was what confused me for so long, I think. He has all these great qualities and, on paper, everything should have been fabulous, but I wasn't attracted to him (and I don't just mean physically, I mean that extra something where you know you *like* someone).
The other reasons we were together for so long are mainly inertia, our friends, and we weren't around each other much. We started going out in college and I think we were fine as a college dorm relationship, if we had just gone out that one year and then ended it when he moved, that probably would have been fine and made more sense. But the relationship just kept going and built inertia and we had all the same friends, some of whom we thought would take it badly if we broke up (and one of them did totally flip out when we did). Then when I moved down to Indy, I was working full time, going to class, lived 20 min away, and he generally couldn't spend the night because he still lived at home and his parents didn't approve (nor could I really spend the night over there). So we saw each other only once a week generally and though we did talk every night, it was never anything of substance or even anything that really connected us as people. That and we fought a lot. But we were stupid and thought all the fighting was because we couldn't be around each other more and that when we finally moved in together, we'd be able to communicate more and it would fix things. And oddly enough, we did communicate more and did fix things by realizing we didn't want to be with each other and should get divorced. ^^
This isn't to say I would have done any of it differently. I learned so fricking much about relationships, myself, and what I want (both in a relationship and in life) by that rather painful process. Also, so much of where my life is right now is contingent upon the crazy timeline that happened because of Andy. If we hadn't been together for exactly the amount of time we were and if things had fallen even just the slightest bit differently I wouldn't be belly dancing now; I probably wouldn't be a cosplayer; I wouldn't have discovered the joys of shibari (because I wouldn't have ever met Trae); I probably wouldn't have met or become friends with any of OLAC and all the related people that go along with that; I wouldn't have met any of my Chicago friends (including Ken); and god knows how much else I'm forgetting.
So, yeah. I think I'm rambled out for now.