love is confusing.

[prinzessinasuka]

i don't know if i've actually ever loved anyone other than my mother. i don't know if i even know how to describe what i felt for her, more so when she was in the eva than i ever did when she was alive - i mean i don't know how to put "love" into words, pin it into a definition that i can hold up to other people and see if it applies to them too. i can't say what it consists of, not in thoughts or actions, and that frustrates me because i like to know what things are made up of. i just know it if i feel it i guess.

i have lots of people paying me attention these days. what i always wanted, so i can't complain. and i'm really not complaining. i just don't know how i feel about it. i keep looking for a father figure in the eyes of older men and younger ones don't appeal to me. and trying to make my lover my substitute parental figure is just a bit fucked up really. and doesn't work anyway.

i cling, then i need space. i want people close then i push them away, so i don't want anyone i like to get close cause i don't want to hurt them, so i push them away anyway. and they leave. and i don't want them to leave but i can't be everything for everyone.

there are people i like, who like me. but there is no one i love. and somewhere in the back of my mind i hear a pulse, and over and over it whispers, kaji, and i curse myself for being so stubborn that maybe the only thing i want is the one thing i can't have.