Much delayed entry
Here I am ony my very last first day as an UCLA undergraduate and I find that I am filled with mixed feelings. It's also a day to be filled with Bruin pride because we are in the NCAA basketball championship. God, I hope they kick Florida's ass. I have to have UCLA win something in my senior year. :) I'm happy to be at my last quarter and at the same time I am filled with regret because my first two years here could have been so much better... seeing how I pulled a 3.8 this quarter with 17 units and it would have been a 3.8 last quarter too if it wasn't for that damn class by Prof. "Kermit." You know how everybody... well, at least most people have that one professor in which they cannot do well with? He is mine... I got an A on the final but apparently that doesn't matter. If only my first two years went like my last two years. I'd graduate with at least cum laude. Oh well, whats done is done and if only I get into the law school I want to- Southwestern- I'd be thrilled and work my butt off. I can't wait to leave but yet I am not feeling very thrilled about walking on June 17th or anything.
I'm sitting in the library and I should have brought my copy of Machiavelli's The Prince with me to school today because I could have started reading it... oh well, still have time to finish that. I'll start a little tonight.
I'm graduating and I don't really know what I have to show for it. I could have done way better... I regret it. I still have the same job and I'm retaking the LSATs and taking a year off from school. Implying for internships is beyond me. I've applied to several... and my resume isn't a bad one- it is at least decent- worth at least a look at. And I haven't received a single call for an interview. I'd settle for one call just for an incentive to not give up. Not too impressed with the internship system.
I'd die for a law firm job and most of the time the people with the hookups to these jobs AREN'T EVEN interested in law. How is that fair? Hell, if I wasn't interested in a field I wouldn't be taken a spot from someone that really wants it. I guess a similiar analogy would be... if you don't know the band and you know its going to be a sold out show.... why the hell are you going to get a ticket and leave a really big fan outside in the cold? In otherwords, everyone does this although technically if you look at it - it just sucks.
My Spring Break was fabulous. I went to Laguna for 4 days and it was fabulous- exactly what I needed. I just relaxed, slept in, walked on the beach, went window shopping and exploring in galleries. And oh how I ate. I also went to Disneyland twice. And then I came back and worked 5 days straight. So this break I had a little R&R and a lot of work. Now I'm back to school four days a week and work probably about 4 days a week.
I don't really want to walk for commencement... is there something wrong with me? I think it stems from the fact that I know within myself I got that degree already and I know I worked for it... why am I going to prance across a stage when someone probably mispronounces my name in front of the whole psychology department and I probably know about what... 10 people out of God knows how many? It'll just remind me of how I lack a campus life and how I'm not exactly sure how the next year is going to go and yet I've reached the end of this stage (no pun intended). I'm walking for my parents... whom, btw, made my high school commencement a horrible experience (they just added onto the emotional pyre that was already burning itself into my memory) that I would like to block out of my memory. Unlike most young adults in the good U.S. of A. I actually still want to obey my parents when I can. No, I cannot say Fuck 'em and do what I want. A very selected group of my peers can even understand what this feels like.
On a whole, I'm quite happy with my life but I just feel like I'm in a slump... I want something that marks the next stage of my life with some promise... thats all. But I know I am not along in this feeling of scary ambiguity, the majority of college graduates feel this way I would believe. Not knowing what is going to exactly happen for the rest of your life... is really scary. And it doesn't help that your parents want one thing and you want to please them but you so want to do your own thing. And you're not okay with disappointing them but at the same time you know exactly how unreasonable they are and how impossible they are to pleased because everything you've done to this point never seems like enough.
You try for the whole package...artisty accomplishment, intelligence, a mind of your own (but of course, never against their wishes!), and a more adult look. However, it is never enough or its always a near miss. It's a dichotomy that drives you insane. I am not even sure what validation from them I even want anymore.
Sometimes I wish someone would just hand me a guide book that helps me out. But of course, if life was that easy... well, for some of us I guess it is.
-E
I'm sitting in the library and I should have brought my copy of Machiavelli's The Prince with me to school today because I could have started reading it... oh well, still have time to finish that. I'll start a little tonight.
I'm graduating and I don't really know what I have to show for it. I could have done way better... I regret it. I still have the same job and I'm retaking the LSATs and taking a year off from school. Implying for internships is beyond me. I've applied to several... and my resume isn't a bad one- it is at least decent- worth at least a look at. And I haven't received a single call for an interview. I'd settle for one call just for an incentive to not give up. Not too impressed with the internship system.
I'd die for a law firm job and most of the time the people with the hookups to these jobs AREN'T EVEN interested in law. How is that fair? Hell, if I wasn't interested in a field I wouldn't be taken a spot from someone that really wants it. I guess a similiar analogy would be... if you don't know the band and you know its going to be a sold out show.... why the hell are you going to get a ticket and leave a really big fan outside in the cold? In otherwords, everyone does this although technically if you look at it - it just sucks.
My Spring Break was fabulous. I went to Laguna for 4 days and it was fabulous- exactly what I needed. I just relaxed, slept in, walked on the beach, went window shopping and exploring in galleries. And oh how I ate. I also went to Disneyland twice. And then I came back and worked 5 days straight. So this break I had a little R&R and a lot of work. Now I'm back to school four days a week and work probably about 4 days a week.
I don't really want to walk for commencement... is there something wrong with me? I think it stems from the fact that I know within myself I got that degree already and I know I worked for it... why am I going to prance across a stage when someone probably mispronounces my name in front of the whole psychology department and I probably know about what... 10 people out of God knows how many? It'll just remind me of how I lack a campus life and how I'm not exactly sure how the next year is going to go and yet I've reached the end of this stage (no pun intended). I'm walking for my parents... whom, btw, made my high school commencement a horrible experience (they just added onto the emotional pyre that was already burning itself into my memory) that I would like to block out of my memory. Unlike most young adults in the good U.S. of A. I actually still want to obey my parents when I can. No, I cannot say Fuck 'em and do what I want. A very selected group of my peers can even understand what this feels like.
On a whole, I'm quite happy with my life but I just feel like I'm in a slump... I want something that marks the next stage of my life with some promise... thats all. But I know I am not along in this feeling of scary ambiguity, the majority of college graduates feel this way I would believe. Not knowing what is going to exactly happen for the rest of your life... is really scary. And it doesn't help that your parents want one thing and you want to please them but you so want to do your own thing. And you're not okay with disappointing them but at the same time you know exactly how unreasonable they are and how impossible they are to pleased because everything you've done to this point never seems like enough.
You try for the whole package...artisty accomplishment, intelligence, a mind of your own (but of course, never against their wishes!), and a more adult look. However, it is never enough or its always a near miss. It's a dichotomy that drives you insane. I am not even sure what validation from them I even want anymore.
Sometimes I wish someone would just hand me a guide book that helps me out. But of course, if life was that easy... well, for some of us I guess it is.
-E