Beside myself
For the last few days I have just felt beside myself. Struggling to know what it is that I am exactly feeling. I hate being home alone because I sit here and think way to much about things. Then, I go and get depressed or mad with rage and just wanna beak every dish in the house... even tho I dont. I have screamed into my pillow quite a few times and it really hasnt worked. I dont even know why im so upset or what the hell is even going on with me to be honest.
All I know is sometimes I sit here and Im like, "why the fuck did my mom have to pass away?" I fucking needed her. I still need her everyday of my life. Even if it would be just to hug her and her tell me that Im gonna be ok. She was the person that made everything better. Aghhhh its so fustrating.
Then, I made the mistake of starting to talk to Luke again. Like I do wanna be friends with him but it seems like he just sucks me back in every single time and I dont get it. I should have never kissed him back again. And here I have Brandon and I also have Shanon who just wanna spend time with me and see what would happen but I cant. I cant do that because I dont think it would be fair to either one of them because I still have my heart set on the fuckin jerk. I seriously need to get over this.
So here I am and Im just beside myself trying to see where it is I want to be.
All I know is sometimes I sit here and Im like, "why the fuck did my mom have to pass away?" I fucking needed her. I still need her everyday of my life. Even if it would be just to hug her and her tell me that Im gonna be ok. She was the person that made everything better. Aghhhh its so fustrating.
Then, I made the mistake of starting to talk to Luke again. Like I do wanna be friends with him but it seems like he just sucks me back in every single time and I dont get it. I should have never kissed him back again. And here I have Brandon and I also have Shanon who just wanna spend time with me and see what would happen but I cant. I cant do that because I dont think it would be fair to either one of them because I still have my heart set on the fuckin jerk. I seriously need to get over this.
So here I am and Im just beside myself trying to see where it is I want to be.