Life...a missive of self-loathing
I often feel like I am doing something wrong. I get up everyday and hope for the best; I take what comes. But it always seems like everyone is doing something and making something of themselves. Life goes on while mine seems to standstill. I work. Wow, what a wonderful person I am. What a fucking valuable member of society.
I moved down here nearly a year and a half ago. I moved to get away form everyone. I moved away from my fucked p family. They always have an idea of what I should be doing. I was convinced that if I moved away from all that negativism and had the support of my longest friendship, I could make something of myself. That it would be the ideal environment in which I would do for me. Yet here I am spinning my wheels. Int he past year I have barely managed to keep my job. I have smoked a lot of pot and become alienated from the world. I've become nervous and sometimes even afraid to go out in the real world. I feel like I'm nothing.
I see all these kids I work with. going to school, working, having everything going for them. Not to say any of them have the perfect life, but they all have cars, friends, social calendars, plans for the future. my plans: avoid sunlight and try not to get fired. I am so in awe of Amanda. She has jsut turned 18. She's got her own place, money in the bank, a car, artistic talent like you would not believe.How is it some people have everything going for them, yet I just have a room with pink carpet in which to cry? Why did I have to get the parents who just don't care? Why did I have to be gay.
I've never really talked about it but I so wish I was straight. Life would have been so much easier. I would've finished high school, probably have had something of a semi-normal relationship with my father, been able to give my mother grandchildren. I feel like if I were not gay, I could have actually been something. I don't even fit into the gay community. I'm not gorgeous, don't have enough style to be a designer/decorator, don't have rich female friends to live vicariously thru. I really wish I weren't gay. I'm tired of living my life in fear.
As fucked up as my family is, I am really bummed that I won't get to see them this week. Bummed doesn't describe it adequately. I haven't hugged my mother in years. I want a hug from my mother. I want her to just hold me and tell me I'm going to be alright. I want someone to tell me they love me. Is that really so much to ask? But it's my fault. I am almsot 24. I should own my own car. Or at least be able to rent one. I suck at life.
I want a joint so bad. I have turned to marijuana to numb my emotions so many times, but it has just kinda lost it's appeal. I get high with friends who all smile and joke and have fun. They go home to their friends, their lovers, their families. I go home, eat and gain more weight then hide in my room from the freaks I live with who used to be my best friends. I really don't have any friends. None of my family talks to me. I live in Arkansas. God, I'm amazed I haven't ended it yet.
At least I have my job. But to be quite honest I fucking hate it. It may seem insane but the only reason I still work there is because I have this deluded fantasy that Justin will one day turn to me and say, "Nico. I'm gay. Hold me." It may seem psychotic, but hey maybe I am. It's not a crush. I don't want to jsut fuck. i supposed if I truly wanted to I could find meaningless sex. It's an understanding, an ability to relate. I posted a myspace blog about it some time ago. Is it that wrong to want to connect with someone? I guess I should just get used to being alone. I don't have anything to offer a potential boyfriend. I don't ever have any money to do anything with friends. I don't have any self-confidence to go make new friends.
My hands don't help to that endeavor. I have a condition called contact dermatitis brought about form the gloves and various chemicals used at work. My hands or often red, inflamed and cracked. Sometimes they peel and on occasion they blister and bleed. They itch constantly and I've spent over $3000 treating them in the last year. They look like shit and people are afraid to even touch them. I have had people refuse to hand me change when making a purchase. I was once asked at Wal-mart to please not touch the food in a deli case. Never mind the fact that all the sandwiches are individually wrapped. They hurt and so do I.
I'm not really sure why I'm here. But I'm here and unfortunately queer. Get used to it and leave me alone.
I moved down here nearly a year and a half ago. I moved to get away form everyone. I moved away from my fucked p family. They always have an idea of what I should be doing. I was convinced that if I moved away from all that negativism and had the support of my longest friendship, I could make something of myself. That it would be the ideal environment in which I would do for me. Yet here I am spinning my wheels. Int he past year I have barely managed to keep my job. I have smoked a lot of pot and become alienated from the world. I've become nervous and sometimes even afraid to go out in the real world. I feel like I'm nothing.
I see all these kids I work with. going to school, working, having everything going for them. Not to say any of them have the perfect life, but they all have cars, friends, social calendars, plans for the future. my plans: avoid sunlight and try not to get fired. I am so in awe of Amanda. She has jsut turned 18. She's got her own place, money in the bank, a car, artistic talent like you would not believe.How is it some people have everything going for them, yet I just have a room with pink carpet in which to cry? Why did I have to get the parents who just don't care? Why did I have to be gay.
I've never really talked about it but I so wish I was straight. Life would have been so much easier. I would've finished high school, probably have had something of a semi-normal relationship with my father, been able to give my mother grandchildren. I feel like if I were not gay, I could have actually been something. I don't even fit into the gay community. I'm not gorgeous, don't have enough style to be a designer/decorator, don't have rich female friends to live vicariously thru. I really wish I weren't gay. I'm tired of living my life in fear.
As fucked up as my family is, I am really bummed that I won't get to see them this week. Bummed doesn't describe it adequately. I haven't hugged my mother in years. I want a hug from my mother. I want her to just hold me and tell me I'm going to be alright. I want someone to tell me they love me. Is that really so much to ask? But it's my fault. I am almsot 24. I should own my own car. Or at least be able to rent one. I suck at life.
I want a joint so bad. I have turned to marijuana to numb my emotions so many times, but it has just kinda lost it's appeal. I get high with friends who all smile and joke and have fun. They go home to their friends, their lovers, their families. I go home, eat and gain more weight then hide in my room from the freaks I live with who used to be my best friends. I really don't have any friends. None of my family talks to me. I live in Arkansas. God, I'm amazed I haven't ended it yet.
At least I have my job. But to be quite honest I fucking hate it. It may seem insane but the only reason I still work there is because I have this deluded fantasy that Justin will one day turn to me and say, "Nico. I'm gay. Hold me." It may seem psychotic, but hey maybe I am. It's not a crush. I don't want to jsut fuck. i supposed if I truly wanted to I could find meaningless sex. It's an understanding, an ability to relate. I posted a myspace blog about it some time ago. Is it that wrong to want to connect with someone? I guess I should just get used to being alone. I don't have anything to offer a potential boyfriend. I don't ever have any money to do anything with friends. I don't have any self-confidence to go make new friends.
My hands don't help to that endeavor. I have a condition called contact dermatitis brought about form the gloves and various chemicals used at work. My hands or often red, inflamed and cracked. Sometimes they peel and on occasion they blister and bleed. They itch constantly and I've spent over $3000 treating them in the last year. They look like shit and people are afraid to even touch them. I have had people refuse to hand me change when making a purchase. I was once asked at Wal-mart to please not touch the food in a deli case. Never mind the fact that all the sandwiches are individually wrapped. They hurt and so do I.
I'm not really sure why I'm here. But I'm here and unfortunately queer. Get used to it and leave me alone.