(no subject)
I don't know when I got so caught up in playing this game I don't even agree with, trying to impress people I don't like, and trying to attain something I don't want. I'm not sure when it happened, but it did, and I"m not sure how to end it. My life is headed in a direction that I don't feel like I chose, but I don't know how to change. I'm not sure I want to change necessarily it might be right, but I wanted to pick the train. I wanted to do it my way. I wanted to enjoy the journey and not have any freaking regrets. now what? I'm not sure. I hate that its like this, but the fact is I do care, too much, perhaps QUIE A BIT too much, about what you think, what you say about me, how I do im comparison. I find myeslf needing reassurance, being discouraged by angry words, second guessing things i used to believe in. I'm not sure why or how my life became about proving something to others who's opinions change like the clouds in the sky, and i don't know how to fix it. But realizing it frustrates me. I know some things I want, one of which is to be content, just go with it be happy. But for whatever reason I am easily upset. I can't communicate with others these thoguhts and emotions. I try, and they might be listening, but they don't make sense when I say them aloud. It's frustrating, all the little things going wrong, me letting them go wrong, the implications they may or may not have in my future. I realy wish I had some idea of where i was or where I was going. I really wish I had someone constant. I know I should be appreciating what i have, and I will soon, but right now my whole life feels focused on what's lacking, what's missing, and my inability to fill the gap, my inability to connect, my inability to rest. I'm pushing myself in all different directions, and then I look back and its as if I've accomplished nothing. I look around and its as if I've changed nothing. Its as if I could move or die or dissapear and life would go on. It really would I don't matter that much, and part of me yearns to matter, and part of meis content with that. In fact I think the only reason people care when others die is because they're forced to think about those life questions we try to avoid in our daily lives for some reason so we can live these lies. The big unanswerable life questions that make or destroy us. I'm bursting.