Symmetry 4a: The Lines that Cross
Title: Symmetry 4a: The Lines that Cross
Author:princess72385
Pairings/Characters: Logan, Veronica, Veronica/Casey (mentions of: Logan/Parker, Veronica/Piz)
Word Count: 8,036 (7,856 without lyrics)
Rating: R (for mentions of a slap, mentions of alcoholism, mentions of adultery, and almost-sex)
Summary: There are similarities to the past and now. History always repeats itself, whether we realize it or not and breaking the circle is always the most difficult part of it all.
Spoilers/Warnings: Everything to 3.17 (Debasement Tapes)
Future Fic
Disclaimer: None of it’s mine, and if it was it would all be going different right now. So don’t sue, because I have nothing and it’d be a waste of both our time. The Song is I’m Going to Stop Pretending I Didn’t Break Your Heart by Eels
A/N: The POV changes through out the story between Veronica’s POV and Logan’s POV, but it’s mostly Veronica’s during the sections that pertain to Freshman and Sophomore years.
A/N: It’s split into 2 parts, because it got a little long and I didn’t want to make it 2 chapters. I have all the chapters all mapped out already and this is 1 chapter, just two different "themes" in the parts.
Chapter 1: Everything Has It's Beginning... And It's End
Chapter 2: Leave My Heart Behind
Chapter 3a: When It's All Unraveling
Chapter 3b:When It's All Unraveling
Symmetry
4a
The Lines That Cross
I’m going to tell you what you need to hear
I’m a little too late by three or four years
It may not make too much sense that we are apart
But I’m going to stop pretending that I didn’t break your heart
Freshman year ended in a fight. The biggest fight ever since they stopped trying to destroy each other. There was the prerequisite screaming about past mistakes… his, hers, everyone’s. Yelling about Parker and Piz and staying out of each other’s relationships.
It wasn’t until he compared Piz to Duncan that she finally snapped. The moment he accused her of using Piz as just one more pathetic attempt at normal is when she lost her head completely. Veronica ended the fight and crossed a line she hadn’t even realized that they’d drawn years ago. The slap across his face echoed through the suite like a gun shot. Like an expensive leather belt slapping against a young boy’s back.
Veronica hurriedly made her escape from the hotel room. Left behind was a shocked Logan, standing in the middle of his living room, clutching the side of his face. She made it to the elevator before she let the tears she couldn’t hold back anymore fall.
She’d slapped him. Literally raised her hand against him and hit him with a force she’d never shown him. With a violent temper. She never realized that she had promised herself that she’d never hurt him like that. And she hadn’t until now.
After all they’d gone through, after all he’d done to her it was this she hit him. He’d spent all but a month and a half of their Sophomore year of high school making a sport of tormenting her. And the better part of Junior year. He’d gone back to doing so Senior year after their break-up, albeit in a slightly less cruel way.
Piz. He wasn’t even that much of a big deal to her yet. Certainly not like Duncan had been, and he probably never would be. There was only two men in her life that she would defend to the death other than her dad and Wallace. Duncan and Logan. Duncan was gone, but if he ever came back she go to the mat for him. And even when she and Logan were at each other’s throats she’d always had his back. He’d hated her and she’d looked for his mother. He’d been so angry and bitter Senior year and she still spent a good chunk of her time making sure he wouldn’t go to prison for murder. She even risked eternal damnation to put surveillance in a confessional booth.
Her hand stung as she leaned against the wall and wrapped her arms around her middle. She bit her lip trying to get the tears to stop. This had felt like such a betrayal, like she had gotten caught cheating on him or something. And remembering the look on his face made her want to throw up.
The elevator made it to the ground floor without stopping and she rushed through the lobby as fast as she could.
She made it to her car before her phone rang. She prayed that it wasn’t Logan because she didn’t know how to explain herself. She prayed that it was, because she needed to apologize, to beg him for forgiveness. She was scared to look at the caller id, but with a glance she saw that it was Piz. Stupid Piz that was the cause of something so huge and didn’t even know about it. She couldn’t handle him right now, she couldn’t listen to his over eagerness and nervous chuckles. Not while one of the most important relationships in her life went down the drain completely.
She had believed that eventually they would be together again, even after she swore that they wouldn’t. She had known that the Madison thing would surpass. Eventually.
He hadn’t though, and she’d wanted him to think that they’d never be together again. That he didn’t have a chance. She hadn’t been worried that he was gone permanently, not after the ‘epic’ speech. It still stuck in her head that he thought of her that way. Thought of them that way. But after today he might not forgive her.
It could really be over.
~ * ~
Veronica and Piz went out the night before he was supposed to leave for Beaverton for the summer. He had a job lined up and his old band mates from high school had decided to reunite to play a few gigs around town. He had been excited until he realized that he’d be spending the entire summer away from her. Then he started suggesting that he get an apartment, maybe with Wallace, so he could live off-campus next year.
Veronica had wanted to dig out her taser and use it on him then. They’d only been together for a couple weeks and he was getting clingy. She went for the subtle approach instead.
“Actually Piz, I won’t even be here this summer. And I’m pretty sure that Wallace is going to live in the dorms again next year.” She looked down at her meal. They were in the food court, always in the food court. He hadn’t even taken her on a real date yet and he wanted to scrap his summer plans for her.
“Oh? Where you going this summer? Road trip with Mac? Hanging out with old friends?” She could tell that he was just feigning his innocence, he wasn’t that good at it. Veronica knew what he was really asking, what he really wanted to know. Was she going to be hanging out with Logan?
“I’ve got an internship. I’ll be spending the entire summer in Virginia, interning at the FBI.” She said it smugly, expecting praise like she’d gotten from her father, Wallace and Mac. They’d been just as excited as she was when she got the news.
“Huh, I’d thought you were spending the summer working for your dad since he won’t be able to do the PI thing.” Piz said, going back to eating his burger.
She just stared. No congratulations on beating out hundreds of other applicants and proving that she was his offspring like her father had said. No remark on how he wasn’t shocked because the government either had to employ her or fifty other people to watch her, like Wallace had said. No asking if he was going to get paid for services provided once she was a fed like Mac had joked. Not even a look of awe. Just bland acceptance of the announcement like it wasn’t a big deal.
~ * ~
Piz had asked her to come with him to Oregon as she dropped him off at the airport. Said that she had a week until her summer thing started and why not spend it with him. She could meet his mom.
Veronica had said no, and resisted the urge to yell at him. He didn’t get it. Didn’t understand that she only had a week to make sure that Weevil wasn’t going to get into trouble over the summer. Only had a week to spend with her dad before being gone for three months, the longest she’d been away from him in the last 19 years of her life. A week.
He’d gotten out of the car looking completely rejected, muttering about wanting to spend some study-free time with her. Veronica couldn’t help but remember that Logan called this normal. If this was normal she could honestly say that Duncan and her had never been normal either. Because she’d never been with anyone so completely oblivious to who she really was.
As she said goodbye to him in front of security she decided that this was a new situation. That she and Duncan had never had to pause their relationship for three months, especially at the beginning. That Piz was just acting like this because of the long separation. That in the fall he would be back to the happy and normal guy she’d started out dating and this needy guy would be gone.
You see I never thought enough of myself to realize
That losing me could mean something like the tears in your eyes
I want to tell you I’m sorry and it’s too late to start
But I’m going to stop pretending that I didn’t break your heart
She was wrong. Needy Piz was back in the fall. Happy and normal was gone and this guy got on her nerves. She tried to stick it out with him, but that only lasted a couple of weeks. She had no real obligation to keep it from getting awkward when Wallace had a new roommate. She wouldn’t have to see him at the dorm constantly after the break-up. Wallace could hang with him on his own time, times when she didn’t have to be there.
Veronica heard from personally from Parker that she and Logan had broken up early on in the summer. She had stayed in town for summer art classes and was still living in the dorms. Parker had been heartbroken for a month afterwards. She hadn’t been eager to share the details with Veronica at the time so Mac filled in the details.
Logan had gotten mean. Like Sophomore and Junior years of high school mean. He’d been sarcastic and bitter, snapping at everyone. Including Parker. He wouldn’t do anything she wanted to do and skipped dates and never returned phone calls. They were supposed to have dinner one night and she’d gone to his hotel room when he’d never showed to pick her up. When he’d answered the door he had asked her why she was there, that she should call before she came over.
Parker had reminded him of their date and asked why he hadn’t shown up. He simply told her that a bunch of the guys had come over and they had gotten caught up in catching up. That’s when she realized there was an room full of people. He introduced her to some of them. Enbom, Luke, Sean, Chris, Casey, and last but not least, Connor Larkin. There had been girls there too. Shelley, Ashley, Carrie, Gia and a couple others who’s names were passed over. Parker had taken one look at the keg, a card table, the blaring music and gaping guys and walked out, saying she’d see him tomorrow.
When she’d broken up with him the next morning he’d made a bigger deal of her waking him up.
After hearing this information Veronica had gone home and ripped up the letter she’d written him over the summer.
~ * ~
It wasn’t until they were well into their second semester of their second year at Hearst that they finally spoke again. And it was her father that made it happen.
Logan had been arrested for a drunk and disorderly, but had wasted his one call on Dick Casablancas. Dick was almost too drunk himself to even answer the phone. He had hung up with a “no way dude” as soon as Logan had mentioned jail. Keith apparently couldn’t stand to see him sitting there, all alone in the drunk tank. He wouldn’t tell Veronica what Logan had done or said to get him to call her. It had to be big though, Keith hated Logan and kept him away from his daughter at all costs.
It took less than an hour to pick Logan up and post his bail But it wasn’t until they were half way to the Grand that she realized he didn’t live there anymore. And that the key-card she had kept all this time was useless unless.
He seemed to sense her problem-as always-and gave her directions to a small beach house. It looked cozy and even though she had only ever seen him live in grandiose places, it fit him. She like it. It wasn’t as pretentious as his old mansion and it wasn’t extravagant like the hotel suite.
He reached for the door handle to leave and something inside her broke. She had wanted to say this to him for so long now that she suddenly couldn’t hold it in any longer.
“I’m sorry.” She said, her voice low and weak. It’d been so long since she’d said sorry to this man for anything. She felt like she could break from that simple fact alone. It’d been almost a year since the event she was apologizing for, and she wasn’t sure if he would know. There had been so much she should have said she was sorry for.
“I had said worse things before.” He said it knowing what she was talking about. He always was the only one that could follow her thought process. The only one that could keep up with her.
“I know, it’s just… It wasn’t… I didn’t want to hear, couldn’t hear, wasn’t ready to hear. And it was too close to the truth for me to handle.” She tried to explain her actions of the previous year and found it was still just as impossible as before.
“I’ve regretted it since the moment I did it.” She continued, her head hung low, an actual feeling of shame washing over her.
“Why didn’t you say anything then? Instead of storming out?” Logan countered, and damn him for asking good questions.
“Because I crossed that line. And I couldn’t explain myself then. But I am so sorry for it, you have to believe that.” She was suddenly afraid he might not forgive her.
He had always found a way to forgive her in the past, even if she couldn’t do the same for him. But how many times was she allowed to mess up before he finally got sick of forgiving her? She had always counted on his forgiveness, always kind of needed it. After all, she did do a lot of unforgivable things in the name of her finding justice. And he knew that firsthand.
“It’s okay, you know.” His eyes looked a little watery and his crooked smile said he really meant it. Maybe Logan’s endless capacity for forgiveness rivaled her seemingly endless capacity to hold something against him.
“I’ve Done so many things I regret over the years. And you’ve forgiven me for the biggest ones.” This time his voice betrayed the fact that he was lying. He knew she hadn’t, not completely.
“My part in your rape. Me making it my mission to destroy you after Lilly. The summer before Senior year. Kendall.” He listed some of the things she had held against him for a while, and some she never had. It was true though, she had let them go, hadn’t even realized she’d done so.
“Madison.” It was one word, one name, but it held so much hurt. She hadn’t even realized she’d forgiven him for what would always be referred to as his “Aspen incident” in her mind. But if they were clearing the air it should all be said.
“You said you never would.” His voice was hopeful, but she could see the doubt in his eyes. She’d lied about forgiving him before and the pain of that was still clear.
“Well I was wrong.”
She held his eyes for a moment before her phone began to ring. Wallace’s ringtone, the one he’d downloaded without her knowledge. The one that had taken her a few minutes to realize that that damn music was coming from her bag as she glared at some giggling redhead. SexyBack by Justin Timberlake. She had teased him mercilessly for choosing a former boy-bander’s Top 40 hit to be his ringtone. She had expected something from Nelly.
“You should hear the one he chose on my phone.” Logan said with that same crooked smile before exiting her car.
~ * ~
It took them less than a month of stilted and awkward conversations to figure out that they really could just be friends. When June rolled around and they weren’t making out in the bathrooms and backseats of cars they figured they were home free.
At an end of year kegger Logan even managed to not be one of the guys arrested. Parker had finally started speaking to him again, although she only did so when he asked her a direct questions. Her mono-syllabic answers were what finally did him in and made him quit trying. By mid-summer she had stopped speaking to Veronica as well. According to Mac, Parker didn’t understand how they could go from hating each other for nearly a year to being the best of friends in less than a month.
Parker didn’t understand how they could be like they were.
And it’s Christmas Eve years down the line
Sitting here wishing I had treated you better when you were mine
I have no way of knowing where you are
But I’m going to stop pretending that I didn’t break your heart
January of Junior year changed things drastically though, changing things between them and between her and her father.
A call from the Community hospital in a small Texas town changed everything. One call informing her that her mother had died of alcohol poisoning the night before, shortly after he new boyfriend had found her and called 911. The ambulance had been too late and it had taken the police several hours to find her next of kin. Daughter, Veronica Mars, and ex-husband, Keith Mars, both of Neptune, California.
It was her refusal to travel to Texas that started the fight between her and her father. After twenty minutes straight of arguing Veronica had slammed out of their apartment yelling as she went that “if she can’t be buried here at home then I’m not going”. It wasn’t until she was halfway across town that she realized where she was going.
She tapped lightly on his front door, but before she could lower her fist Logan had swung the door open. Engulfed in a hug she felt her muscles relax and her fists unclench. This is what she needed. He knew what to do, he always knew what to do in these situations, and she let him lead her inside and to the couch. She took the glass of brandy he offered her and rested her head on his shoulder as he settled next to her. Somehow he had known she’d com and had all her favorite movies ready for her, queued up in the DVD player. She fell asleep, head pillowed on his chest, after the dude speech in “The Big Lebowski”.
~ * ~
Her phone’s persistent beeping woke her up roughly nine hours later. One new voicemail, from her dad, probably wondering where she was and who she was with. Twenty-one years old and she still had to check in with her father, who she still lived with. Pathetic. She had always expected to move out right after high school and here she was, three years later and hiding out at Logan’s.
The voicemail was short and to the point. He didn’t question her whereabouts or her company. Simply informed her of the address of the funeral, the time and the day. At the end of the message his voice faltered a bit when he asked how long she’d be staying with Logan.
She wondered briefly if her dad had called ahead of her and told Logan she was on her way. Probably not. There had to have been a fifty-fifty chance that she’d got to Wallace’s last night and her father wouldn’t give Logan the upper hand in spending a night with his daughter. And Logan wouldn’t have called her dad and let him know she was staying because that would be admitting she stayed over and he was still too afraid of death to do that. No, they both just knew her too well. If she’d gone to Wallace’s she wouldn’t have stayed over. Not when he moved in with Piz at the end of last school year, albeit off-campus and not in the same room. There was still no way she was sleeping over in the same apartment with that ex.
Veronica ventured out of the guest room to find Logan sitting at his kitchen table. He was reading the paper, drinking coffee and eating toast. The very picture of domestic tranquility. He looked up when she came in and leaned back in his chair, far enough for her to climb onto his lap and lay her head on his shoulder.
“My dad wanted to know how long I was going to stay with you.” She stated, better to make it her father’s question than her own. Better that than for her to ask him how long she could stay.
“However long you want to stay. If you can’t be in that apartment right now it’s fine if you want to be here.” Of course he still answered like she had made it her question.
He picked her up and placed her on her feet as he stood. He poured her a cup of coffee and handed it to her.
“When’s the funeral?”
“Day after tomorrow. In Texas.”
~ * ~
It only took Logan two and a half hours to talk her into what her father had spent the better part of the last week arguing with her about.
Her dad was already on his way, driving. Logan made flight reservations for both himself and her. She refused to spend the night outside of California, so they’d leave early and get back late. Logan didn’t mind going with and the long schedule of the day. He refused to put her on the plane by herself and let her do this alone.
The arrangement suited her just fine.
~ * ~
She officially moved out of her dad’s apartment and into Logan’s beach house three days after the funeral. She couldn’t stay there anymore and the lease was up anyway. He could find a one bedroom in a better part of town.
The first night after moving all her things in she cried. Breaking down in Logan’s arms, sobbing. Afterwards, when she had cried herself to sleep, he didn’t have the heart to take her to her own bedroom. He slept with her cuddled up to his side that night.
The second night she had burst into his room without knocking, too angry to hold it in. as he set his book aside, carefully marking the page, she began the rant he knew had been coming. He watched her from bed as she paced, hands gesturing wildly in her fury.
“He had no right to be there. No right. What was he thinking? Coming to her funeral when he knew damn well that both my dad and I would be there? Jake Kane has never thought about anyone but himself. Just like her. They should have been together. The most selfish, oblivious couple in the world…” and so she went on, her anger building until she was in tears again, shaking. She fell asleep clutching his shirt that night, nose buried in his chest, arms wrapped around her.
It had continued on for several more nights, alternating between depression and anger. Some nights she hated herself for kicking her mother out over four years ago after Aaron’s attack. Other nights she raged on about her mother’s betrayal with Jake Kane. How she was so quick to abandon her. How she didn’t think twice about taking that fifty grand that her father had gotten for finding Duncan when he fled the country the first time. The only thing that stayed the same was Veronica always ended up in tears clutching at Logan.
One night Veronica had sat perched at the edge of his bed, chatting calmly. It was the first night she hadn’t fallen asleep after dissolving into tears. Instead she had slowly drifted off while talking about the difference between something and something else. In the end she ended up curled on the far side of the bed, a foot and half away. Logan had laid there, awake, for another hour resisting the urge to pull her closer.
~ * ~
Three weeks after she moved in she brought home the “mystery boyfriend”. Logan had almost gagged when he learned it was Casey Gant. And that had mostly to do with how he found out and a little bit to find out that she really was dating someone.
Logan had come home early to fid them there, sucking face on the couch… and he instantly wished he had taken Dick up on his party offer. But he’d been anxious to get home to check on Veronica. Stupid, stupid Logan. She was obviously fine, pressed between his suede couch and a guy he had kind of hated in high school. Casey had seemed shocked to see him too.
“Hi-heh… hey man,” Casey stumbled over the words-and his feet-in his haste to get up from the couch and off of Veronica.
Veronica was beat red and looking like she wanted to die at the moment. Especially when Casey told him that they were going to watch a movie then asked he wanted to join him. Logan didn’t even have time to answer before Casey said it was cool and then excused himself to make a phone call.
“So, Casey Gant?” He was relieved to find that his voice didn’t crack over the words. He hadn’t realized that he had been hoping for a reunion these last couple of weeks. The protectiveness had always been such a familiar feeling to him. After all he had been protective of her when they were younger and she was his girlfriend’s best friend and his best friend’s girlfriend. But this jealous feeling coupled with the dull ache of hurt in his chest was something he didn’t feel back then. It was something he felt Senior year when he’d watched her with Duncan. Or the end of Freshman year of college when he’d had to see her with Piz.
“Yeah. I was going to tell you, but things were just so emotional for a while and the move and everything it just kind of got pushed into the background.” Her eyes were downcast, she couldn’t make eye contact and that bothered her more than getting caught making out on the couch with her secret boyfriend… again.
“It’s okay, it was just unexpected. You hadn’t mentioned your boyfriend… Casey, in a while.” He couldn’t quite get her to meet his eyes, and he had to stop himself from reaching out and putting his hand under her chin.
“So, what do you want to watch first V? The comedy or the murder mystery?” Casey came bursting back into the room before Veronica could tell Logan why she hadn’t mentioned Casey in a while. He’d been on a business thing for his publishing company, trying to learn how to run the company that his grandmother had left him when she died back in 2005. He planned to start taking an active part in running it when he graduated and wanted to know as much as possible about how to do it before then.
“See, all I heard was do you want to watch the comedy or the comedy. So I’ll go with the second comedy selection if you don’t mind.” Veronica made an attempt at a joke, an attempt at covering up the awkwardness between herself and both of them men in the room. Logan smiled at the remark, understanding exactly what she meant. Casey just furrowed his brow in bewilderment as he put in the mystery.
Logan’s steps faltered when he realized that Casey was taking his seat on Veronica’s right side. The side he always sat on, the side she always leaned to. He took the recliner that was separate from the couch she was on. Her look of disappointment and hurt was only a brief flash but he caught it. Just like he caught the way Casey slipped his arm around Veronica’s shoulder and pulled her closer into his chest at an awkward angle. Just like he caught the possessiveness of Casey’s move.
~ * ~
It was at 4am that Logan realized two things.
The first was that Veronica planned to sleep in her own bed that night. The second was that she didn’t intend to do so alone.
I didn’t mean to hurt you
I didn’t know what I was doing
Her relationship with Casey last until the end of October Senior year. Logan realized that he didn’t just kind of hate Casey, he really hated Casey. He hated the way Casey made everyone coffee in the morning. He hated the way he made Veronica laugh a laugh he never heard before. He hated the way Casey snuggled with her while watching a movie and ignored the fact that Logan was even in the house. He hated how Casey was basketball buddies with Wallace and talked to Mac like they’d always been friends. He hated the way Casey would always seem to be there for a week then basically disappear for the next one. But most of all, he hated the way Casey kissed her… and touched her. Like he had some kind of claim to her, some kind of right.
When he came home to find Veronica throwing things in a cardboard box he had immediately panicked. The thought that she could be moving out sent him reeling and searching for possible reasons for her to stay. Because the only option to living with him would be her living with Casey.
“What are you doing?” Logan was surprised that his voice didn’t squeak the way it had when he was little and afraid. He hadn’t been truly afraid since he was little. There had been times when instead of letting fear take over he pushed it away in order to do what needed to be done. Most of these times consisted of Veronica being in trouble and him having to put her safety first.
“Packing up Casey’s things, he’s going to pick them up tomorrow and I don’t want him to have to be here looking for them. I’d rather he just pick up the box and leave.” Her voice was casual and didn’t sound overly hurt. It sounded like she was talking about Wallace coming by to grab the jacket that had been laying over the back of the couch that for the last two weeks.
“You and Casey broke up?” Logan tried to not let the joy he was feeling seep into his voice. Casey was gone. No more Casey. Why weren’t they celebrating? Oh yeah, she’d actually like the guy
“Yeah, we had a big fight and I realized that I just didn’t care enough to fix it.” Veronica glanced up at him before grabbing something off the table and tossing it in the box. He heard something shatter at the same time he realized that she really wasn’t upset.
“I’ve got to go have dinner with my dad tonight and I promised Wallace and Mac that I’d meet them downtown afterwards. See you later?” She closed up the box and grabbed her sweater, her eyes searching his for confirmation.
“Yeah, I’ll be home.” Her hand skimmed over his as she said goodbye and it wasn’t until she was out the door and he could think again that he remembered Wallace’s jacket on the couch.
~ * ~
He finally went to bed at 1am, too tired to wait up for her anymore. He’d been up since five thirty that morning, a surfing man-date with Dick. Something they tried to do every Saturday, and it was probably the last time they’d be able to do it this year. The water was getting colder and he’d be lucky if he didn’t have a cold tomorrow morning.
Veronica came in at 3am, exhausted from dodging her dad’s questions about her and Casey, monitoring how much Mac and Wallace were drinking. But what really drained her was talking them out of their keys and driving them home. She wished for probably the millionth time that she’d dropped Wallace off first and it’d been I-don’t-dig-into-your-personal-life-without-you-asking-me-to Mac that she’d been stuck in the car with.
But no, she’d wanted a little alone time with her BFF so Mac got dropped off first. Mac complained that she had an early morning meeting Parker for breakfast and how she was going to kill the both of them in the morning if she threw up. As soon as she disappeared into her dorm building Wallace turned his all-knowing gaze on her and did his nosy-ass best friend thing.
“So what’s the real reason you broke up with Casey? And don’t give me that shit about the two of you not working anymore.” He knew always knew when she was lying and how to cut to the point. She could never understand how he did that. How he managed to be one of three people in the world who could see past the bullshit she presented to the world and into the truth of the matter. That could see her.
“It really just didn’t work anymore.”
He accepted it for tonight, he was drunk and probably figured that he’d have better luck tomorrow when he finally came over to get that jacket he left two weeks ago during movie night with her and Logan.
He passed out a block and a half away from his apartment and she’d had to call up to Piz to come help her.
“Why don’t you stay on the couch? It’s late.” Piz asked her as soon as Wallace was tucked safely into his own bed, mumbling about being dizzy and never drinking again.
“I can’t. I kind of told Logan I’d be home earlier than this and he’ll worry if I don’t come home at all. The next thing you know he’s calling the station and the hospitals.” She grabbed her keys off the living room floor where they’d dropped during the struggle with Wallace.
With that she had gotten in her car and driven home.
~ * ~
It was at 4am and she couldn’t sleep that got up and decided on a course that had always helped her before.
She tip-toed down the hall to Logan’s room and pushed open the door. He woke just as she was sliding in next to him.
“You’re home late. Have fun?” He stretched and then shifted onto his right side so he could face her.
“I’ve been home for about an hour, but I couldn’t sleep so…” She let her words trail off, knew she didn’t have to explain the rest. She always came in here when she couldn’t sleep. And he never cared, always just let her curl up on the other side of the bed and sleep.
“Why not? Rough day? Upset about the break up?” He rattled off the questions in quick succession, with a big yawn at the finish.
“Just couldn’t, and it wasn’t rough exactly. Just dad wanted to know what happened between Casey and me and Wallace didn’t accept the reason I gave.” She scooted her body a little closer to his without thinking about it. The sheets were still pretty cool on her side and she was getting a chill.
“And what reason did you give him?” Logan pulled up the blanket at their feet and tucked it around her back.
“That it wasn’t working anymore and I couldn’t see us going to the place that Casey wanted us to go.” Veronica’s voice wasn’t as tense this time as it had been when Wallace and her dad had questioned her about it. But Logan’s voice didn’t sound so disappointed as her dad’s had been. Or suspicious as Wallace’s had been for some reason.
“It’s true. It wasn’t working and I didn’t want what Casey wanted. Marriage and kids. But that wasn’t exactly the whole truth.” She could see the shock in Logan’s face when she mentioned the marriage and kids part.
“So what is the whole truth?” He asked, hoping that it wasn’t that she was scared and couldn’t deal with it. That was classic Veronica and just meant that eventually she’d come around.
“I realized I just didn’t want him. Not that much and not in that way, and honestly it’s not fair to keep him in a relationship like that when he deserved a better one with someone that does want him. Although I couldn’t really care less whether it’d fair or not, I just couldn’t move in with him like he wanted.”
“Did you give him the it’s-not-fair-you-deserve-more speech?” At her nod he continued, “And his response to that was…?”
“That I didn’t want to move in with him because I didn’t want to move out of here. That I was too dependant on you and I was emotionally unavailable.” Her voice was getting irritated and rising a little.
“Emotionally unavailable? Can you believe that? Emotionally unavailable, seriously? I felt like I was on Dr. Phil or Oprah or something.” She glanced up into his eyes before furrowing her brow staring at his chest. Emotionally unavailable? Seriously?
“Why are you here Veronica?” Logan asked the question that he’d never asked before. She’d crawled in bed with him hundreds of times. After a nightmare about Cassidy or Aaron, after a fight with her dad. Hell, she’d practically camped out in his room after her mom died.
“I couldn’t sleep.” Veronica knew what he was really asking, but if she could avoid it for a little longer she could fall asleep and evade the real question altogether.
“So you’re so upset about breaking up with your boyfriend of a year that it’s induced insomnia?” His voice was sarcastic and doubtful. He knew she wasn’t upset about it.
“Ten months, boyfriend of ten months. And not upset in a heartbroken, wish it would have worked out and I’m really going to regret this. Upset in a can’t believe he said that to me way. It’s the things he said that bother me. That I shut him out emotionally. That I wasn’t really in the relationship.”
“So why are you in here? Isn’t Mac more qualified for this girl talk thing?” He knew the answer to that question, just wanted her to say it.
“You know me better, and who’s more qualified for girl talk than you? Aren’t you the expert?” She was started to get annoyed with his question. It was the same one, and usually he moved on after a question went unanswered once.
“I am in the expert in girls, but not the talk part. And I want to know why you’re in here Veronica, quit avoiding.” Logan didn’t usually take such a direct approach with her when she was being skittish, but the occasion called for it. He didn’t want to keep running in the same circle that they’d been running in since their make up Sophomore year. Since their break up Freshman year, and before Senior year of high school. Since he turned on her when Lilly died. Since Lilly died and before. The same circles they’d run around each other when she was twelve and in a pigtails and a soccer uniform and he was the new kid.
“If you don’t want me in here just say so Logan and I’ll get out.” There was the hurt. The hurt that she should have felt earlier with Casey, but didn’t feel until now when Logan was possibly rejecting her. She made a move to get out of bed.
“I didn’t say that I didn’t want you in here Veronica. I just want to know why you want to be in here.” Logan’s hand snaked out to catch her wrist and keep her in bed. His heart raced at the hurt in her voice.
“Because in here was where you were Logan. If you’d been on the couch I’d be in the living room right now.” She said it before she’d fully thought about it, before she thought about the consequences of saying it.
“Why?” His voice did cracked this time, the burst of hope in his chest nearly strangling him.
“Because you’ve become this person that I go to. This person that I trust.” With that she flew at him, her lips crushing his, bruising his and her own in the process.
His arms wrapped around her waist and rolled her underneath him, pressing her to the mattress and to him. He pulled back and kissed her chin, then trailed kisses down her throat before moving his mouth back to hers. She gasped and let his tongue slide inside as she hooked one leg behind his knees and wrapped her arms around his neck and shoulders.
Logan’s hands gripped her waist for a second, then slid up to her breasts before trailing back down to her stomach. His thumbs rubbed circular patterns for a moment and then they were running up her back and cupping her shoulders, diving into her hair. They gripped at her hips and hitched her leg higher. One ran down to her ankle where he squeezed. In the end one hand was at the small of her back, pressing her body closer. And one was in her hair, holding her head in place.
He rolled over on his back and detached his lips from hers, a wide grin growing wider on his face.
“Seriously though, you just broke up with Casey. You dated him for almost a year, are you sure this isn’t a rebound thing? Because I don’t think I could handle that. Because it’d be easy to rebound here. We’re roommates and we have a history.” His voice hitched at the possibility that this wasn’t a him and her thing. That this could be a comfort thing. He’d take it though, he just dreaded the thought that she might regret this in the end.
“We’ve always been more than roommates. And I never wanted Casey the way I want you. Never cared about him the way I do about you.” Veronica slid from above him to his side, cuddled in. She kissed his chest and continued, “You’ve always been what I wanted in the end Logan, and you’re what I want now.”
His arms tightened around her as she snuggled in deeper, closing her eyes and drifting off to sleep with her head laying in the crook of his shoulder. He let his head fall back and his muscles relax.
The rest would have to wait till morning.
~ * ~
The morning light drifted across the bed and Logan woke up to find himself alone. The panic made his heart skip a beat. She wasn’t in bed with him. Either it had been a particularly vivid dream or she was already regretting it. Maybe she had been drunk, after all she’d gotten in at three or four that morning.
Logan swung back the covers at the same instant that his bedroom door flew open. There she stood, wearing a tiny tank top and itty-bitty shorts, hair mussed and holding two cups of steaming coffee. But it was the joyous grin on her face that eased his anxiety, that made a smile of his own slip onto his face.
“What are you looking so relieved about mister? I made the coffee and as you always put it, that’s a dangerous offer.” Her voice was musical this morning. Sounding like she’d slept well, and with a glance to the clock he understood why. It was three in the afternoon.
“How is it that I slept about fourteen hours?” Logan went to stand and retrieve his coffee only to be shoved back down on to the bed and given his cup. Holding her own she settled herself over him, straddling his lap. This was something he could really get used to every morning. She was living with him now so there’d be none of her running back to her dad’s place. And her dad wouldn’t be harming him anytime soon since they’d been living like this for almost a year now.
“I don’t know, but it was about ten for me, and the best I’ve slept in months. In fact, I usually get a maximum of five hours so…” Veronica stretched out her neck so her lips could meet his. She’d been up for an hour and was getting antsy for him to finally wake up. She had so many things she wanted to do with him today. And number was this.
Logan set their coffee mugs aside without breaking off the kiss, nearly missing the table and dropping her cup when her fingers began a slow tease of his nipples. He jumped at the sensation and felt her smile against his mouth. He only prepared himself for a moment before he gripped her hips and flipped her onto her back.
It was so quick she hadn’t expected it. He’d always been like that, quick and unpredictable… like some kind of wild animal. It had scared her in high school, and terrified her freshman year, even though she’d been attracted to it-and him-all the while. Now it was amazing, and she couldn’t get enough of it.
His mouth trailed kisses down her throat like the night before, but this time he didn’t stop when he got to hollow at the base. He kept going, peppering happy kisses across the tops of her breasts. In an attempt to free his targets he reached down and gave the bottom hem of her tank top a firm tug. Her breasts popped out of the top and she laughed at as he grinned.
“Boobs!” He yelled it like the decree of a thirteen year old boy who had just seen his first pair. His adorably juvenile mood was contagious and she couldn’t help but giggle in response. Instead of going to work on the newly exposed skin, gripped the hem again and tugged it upwards and over her head. She saw the brief flash of pink as he did a little stripper twirl and tossed in the direction of his dresser. He missed by a mile and it landed on a lamp, knocking it to the floor.
“You’re such a dork.” She said jovially, rolling her eyes in mock annoyance that was forgotten as his mouth latched on one nipple. “Mmmm…”
He was working off her panties before she even noticed he had gotten her shorts off. The white cotton slipped by her knees, past her ankles and over her feet with a speed she didn’t think possible.
“Your turn.” She bucked her hips against him and flipped him on his back. He laughed and wiggled his hips, folding his arms behind his head.
“I like this view, it’s a good one.” He looked up at her, hovering over his body completely naked. She sat back on her heels, hands on her hips and arched an eyebrow at him.
Logan smirked and lifted his hips up against her, pressing his more than obvious erection into her.
Smiling she bit her lip and bent to divest him of his boxers. She grabbed hold of the band, slipping her fingers just inside and brushing his hips with them. His eyes shut and his smirk faded into a soft smile.
The knock at the front door echoed like a shot through the bedroom. The looked at each other and sighed, Veronica’s head hanging low in disappointment.
She stood and he groaned while she picked up her discarded clothes and pulled them back on. She left off her underwear and smiled at him as she tucked them into his own underwear drawer.
“Coming?” She whispered as she leaned down and pecked him on the lips.
“I thought I would be, but alas… no.” He said it in an overly-dramatic tone as he lifted himself from the bed and grabbed his sweats off the floor.
“Do you think they’ll notice?” Logan gestured down at the front of his pants, his erection still obvious. She smiled and shook her head the negative, inwardly praying it wasn’t her father.
Chapter 4b:The Lines That Cross
Author:princess72385
Pairings/Characters: Logan, Veronica, Veronica/Casey (mentions of: Logan/Parker, Veronica/Piz)
Word Count: 8,036 (7,856 without lyrics)
Rating: R (for mentions of a slap, mentions of alcoholism, mentions of adultery, and almost-sex)
Summary: There are similarities to the past and now. History always repeats itself, whether we realize it or not and breaking the circle is always the most difficult part of it all.
Spoilers/Warnings: Everything to 3.17 (Debasement Tapes)
Future Fic
Disclaimer: None of it’s mine, and if it was it would all be going different right now. So don’t sue, because I have nothing and it’d be a waste of both our time. The Song is I’m Going to Stop Pretending I Didn’t Break Your Heart by Eels
A/N: The POV changes through out the story between Veronica’s POV and Logan’s POV, but it’s mostly Veronica’s during the sections that pertain to Freshman and Sophomore years.
A/N: It’s split into 2 parts, because it got a little long and I didn’t want to make it 2 chapters. I have all the chapters all mapped out already and this is 1 chapter, just two different "themes" in the parts.
Chapter 1: Everything Has It's Beginning... And It's End
Chapter 2: Leave My Heart Behind
Chapter 3a: When It's All Unraveling
Chapter 3b:When It's All Unraveling
Symmetry
4a
The Lines That Cross
I’m going to tell you what you need to hear
I’m a little too late by three or four years
It may not make too much sense that we are apart
But I’m going to stop pretending that I didn’t break your heart
Freshman year ended in a fight. The biggest fight ever since they stopped trying to destroy each other. There was the prerequisite screaming about past mistakes… his, hers, everyone’s. Yelling about Parker and Piz and staying out of each other’s relationships.
It wasn’t until he compared Piz to Duncan that she finally snapped. The moment he accused her of using Piz as just one more pathetic attempt at normal is when she lost her head completely. Veronica ended the fight and crossed a line she hadn’t even realized that they’d drawn years ago. The slap across his face echoed through the suite like a gun shot. Like an expensive leather belt slapping against a young boy’s back.
Veronica hurriedly made her escape from the hotel room. Left behind was a shocked Logan, standing in the middle of his living room, clutching the side of his face. She made it to the elevator before she let the tears she couldn’t hold back anymore fall.
She’d slapped him. Literally raised her hand against him and hit him with a force she’d never shown him. With a violent temper. She never realized that she had promised herself that she’d never hurt him like that. And she hadn’t until now.
After all they’d gone through, after all he’d done to her it was this she hit him. He’d spent all but a month and a half of their Sophomore year of high school making a sport of tormenting her. And the better part of Junior year. He’d gone back to doing so Senior year after their break-up, albeit in a slightly less cruel way.
Piz. He wasn’t even that much of a big deal to her yet. Certainly not like Duncan had been, and he probably never would be. There was only two men in her life that she would defend to the death other than her dad and Wallace. Duncan and Logan. Duncan was gone, but if he ever came back she go to the mat for him. And even when she and Logan were at each other’s throats she’d always had his back. He’d hated her and she’d looked for his mother. He’d been so angry and bitter Senior year and she still spent a good chunk of her time making sure he wouldn’t go to prison for murder. She even risked eternal damnation to put surveillance in a confessional booth.
Her hand stung as she leaned against the wall and wrapped her arms around her middle. She bit her lip trying to get the tears to stop. This had felt like such a betrayal, like she had gotten caught cheating on him or something. And remembering the look on his face made her want to throw up.
The elevator made it to the ground floor without stopping and she rushed through the lobby as fast as she could.
She made it to her car before her phone rang. She prayed that it wasn’t Logan because she didn’t know how to explain herself. She prayed that it was, because she needed to apologize, to beg him for forgiveness. She was scared to look at the caller id, but with a glance she saw that it was Piz. Stupid Piz that was the cause of something so huge and didn’t even know about it. She couldn’t handle him right now, she couldn’t listen to his over eagerness and nervous chuckles. Not while one of the most important relationships in her life went down the drain completely.
She had believed that eventually they would be together again, even after she swore that they wouldn’t. She had known that the Madison thing would surpass. Eventually.
He hadn’t though, and she’d wanted him to think that they’d never be together again. That he didn’t have a chance. She hadn’t been worried that he was gone permanently, not after the ‘epic’ speech. It still stuck in her head that he thought of her that way. Thought of them that way. But after today he might not forgive her.
It could really be over.
~ * ~
Veronica and Piz went out the night before he was supposed to leave for Beaverton for the summer. He had a job lined up and his old band mates from high school had decided to reunite to play a few gigs around town. He had been excited until he realized that he’d be spending the entire summer away from her. Then he started suggesting that he get an apartment, maybe with Wallace, so he could live off-campus next year.
Veronica had wanted to dig out her taser and use it on him then. They’d only been together for a couple weeks and he was getting clingy. She went for the subtle approach instead.
“Actually Piz, I won’t even be here this summer. And I’m pretty sure that Wallace is going to live in the dorms again next year.” She looked down at her meal. They were in the food court, always in the food court. He hadn’t even taken her on a real date yet and he wanted to scrap his summer plans for her.
“Oh? Where you going this summer? Road trip with Mac? Hanging out with old friends?” She could tell that he was just feigning his innocence, he wasn’t that good at it. Veronica knew what he was really asking, what he really wanted to know. Was she going to be hanging out with Logan?
“I’ve got an internship. I’ll be spending the entire summer in Virginia, interning at the FBI.” She said it smugly, expecting praise like she’d gotten from her father, Wallace and Mac. They’d been just as excited as she was when she got the news.
“Huh, I’d thought you were spending the summer working for your dad since he won’t be able to do the PI thing.” Piz said, going back to eating his burger.
She just stared. No congratulations on beating out hundreds of other applicants and proving that she was his offspring like her father had said. No remark on how he wasn’t shocked because the government either had to employ her or fifty other people to watch her, like Wallace had said. No asking if he was going to get paid for services provided once she was a fed like Mac had joked. Not even a look of awe. Just bland acceptance of the announcement like it wasn’t a big deal.
~ * ~
Piz had asked her to come with him to Oregon as she dropped him off at the airport. Said that she had a week until her summer thing started and why not spend it with him. She could meet his mom.
Veronica had said no, and resisted the urge to yell at him. He didn’t get it. Didn’t understand that she only had a week to make sure that Weevil wasn’t going to get into trouble over the summer. Only had a week to spend with her dad before being gone for three months, the longest she’d been away from him in the last 19 years of her life. A week.
He’d gotten out of the car looking completely rejected, muttering about wanting to spend some study-free time with her. Veronica couldn’t help but remember that Logan called this normal. If this was normal she could honestly say that Duncan and her had never been normal either. Because she’d never been with anyone so completely oblivious to who she really was.
As she said goodbye to him in front of security she decided that this was a new situation. That she and Duncan had never had to pause their relationship for three months, especially at the beginning. That Piz was just acting like this because of the long separation. That in the fall he would be back to the happy and normal guy she’d started out dating and this needy guy would be gone.
You see I never thought enough of myself to realize
That losing me could mean something like the tears in your eyes
I want to tell you I’m sorry and it’s too late to start
But I’m going to stop pretending that I didn’t break your heart
She was wrong. Needy Piz was back in the fall. Happy and normal was gone and this guy got on her nerves. She tried to stick it out with him, but that only lasted a couple of weeks. She had no real obligation to keep it from getting awkward when Wallace had a new roommate. She wouldn’t have to see him at the dorm constantly after the break-up. Wallace could hang with him on his own time, times when she didn’t have to be there.
Veronica heard from personally from Parker that she and Logan had broken up early on in the summer. She had stayed in town for summer art classes and was still living in the dorms. Parker had been heartbroken for a month afterwards. She hadn’t been eager to share the details with Veronica at the time so Mac filled in the details.
Logan had gotten mean. Like Sophomore and Junior years of high school mean. He’d been sarcastic and bitter, snapping at everyone. Including Parker. He wouldn’t do anything she wanted to do and skipped dates and never returned phone calls. They were supposed to have dinner one night and she’d gone to his hotel room when he’d never showed to pick her up. When he’d answered the door he had asked her why she was there, that she should call before she came over.
Parker had reminded him of their date and asked why he hadn’t shown up. He simply told her that a bunch of the guys had come over and they had gotten caught up in catching up. That’s when she realized there was an room full of people. He introduced her to some of them. Enbom, Luke, Sean, Chris, Casey, and last but not least, Connor Larkin. There had been girls there too. Shelley, Ashley, Carrie, Gia and a couple others who’s names were passed over. Parker had taken one look at the keg, a card table, the blaring music and gaping guys and walked out, saying she’d see him tomorrow.
When she’d broken up with him the next morning he’d made a bigger deal of her waking him up.
After hearing this information Veronica had gone home and ripped up the letter she’d written him over the summer.
~ * ~
It wasn’t until they were well into their second semester of their second year at Hearst that they finally spoke again. And it was her father that made it happen.
Logan had been arrested for a drunk and disorderly, but had wasted his one call on Dick Casablancas. Dick was almost too drunk himself to even answer the phone. He had hung up with a “no way dude” as soon as Logan had mentioned jail. Keith apparently couldn’t stand to see him sitting there, all alone in the drunk tank. He wouldn’t tell Veronica what Logan had done or said to get him to call her. It had to be big though, Keith hated Logan and kept him away from his daughter at all costs.
It took less than an hour to pick Logan up and post his bail But it wasn’t until they were half way to the Grand that she realized he didn’t live there anymore. And that the key-card she had kept all this time was useless unless.
He seemed to sense her problem-as always-and gave her directions to a small beach house. It looked cozy and even though she had only ever seen him live in grandiose places, it fit him. She like it. It wasn’t as pretentious as his old mansion and it wasn’t extravagant like the hotel suite.
He reached for the door handle to leave and something inside her broke. She had wanted to say this to him for so long now that she suddenly couldn’t hold it in any longer.
“I’m sorry.” She said, her voice low and weak. It’d been so long since she’d said sorry to this man for anything. She felt like she could break from that simple fact alone. It’d been almost a year since the event she was apologizing for, and she wasn’t sure if he would know. There had been so much she should have said she was sorry for.
“I had said worse things before.” He said it knowing what she was talking about. He always was the only one that could follow her thought process. The only one that could keep up with her.
“I know, it’s just… It wasn’t… I didn’t want to hear, couldn’t hear, wasn’t ready to hear. And it was too close to the truth for me to handle.” She tried to explain her actions of the previous year and found it was still just as impossible as before.
“I’ve regretted it since the moment I did it.” She continued, her head hung low, an actual feeling of shame washing over her.
“Why didn’t you say anything then? Instead of storming out?” Logan countered, and damn him for asking good questions.
“Because I crossed that line. And I couldn’t explain myself then. But I am so sorry for it, you have to believe that.” She was suddenly afraid he might not forgive her.
He had always found a way to forgive her in the past, even if she couldn’t do the same for him. But how many times was she allowed to mess up before he finally got sick of forgiving her? She had always counted on his forgiveness, always kind of needed it. After all, she did do a lot of unforgivable things in the name of her finding justice. And he knew that firsthand.
“It’s okay, you know.” His eyes looked a little watery and his crooked smile said he really meant it. Maybe Logan’s endless capacity for forgiveness rivaled her seemingly endless capacity to hold something against him.
“I’ve Done so many things I regret over the years. And you’ve forgiven me for the biggest ones.” This time his voice betrayed the fact that he was lying. He knew she hadn’t, not completely.
“My part in your rape. Me making it my mission to destroy you after Lilly. The summer before Senior year. Kendall.” He listed some of the things she had held against him for a while, and some she never had. It was true though, she had let them go, hadn’t even realized she’d done so.
“Madison.” It was one word, one name, but it held so much hurt. She hadn’t even realized she’d forgiven him for what would always be referred to as his “Aspen incident” in her mind. But if they were clearing the air it should all be said.
“You said you never would.” His voice was hopeful, but she could see the doubt in his eyes. She’d lied about forgiving him before and the pain of that was still clear.
“Well I was wrong.”
She held his eyes for a moment before her phone began to ring. Wallace’s ringtone, the one he’d downloaded without her knowledge. The one that had taken her a few minutes to realize that that damn music was coming from her bag as she glared at some giggling redhead. SexyBack by Justin Timberlake. She had teased him mercilessly for choosing a former boy-bander’s Top 40 hit to be his ringtone. She had expected something from Nelly.
“You should hear the one he chose on my phone.” Logan said with that same crooked smile before exiting her car.
~ * ~
It took them less than a month of stilted and awkward conversations to figure out that they really could just be friends. When June rolled around and they weren’t making out in the bathrooms and backseats of cars they figured they were home free.
At an end of year kegger Logan even managed to not be one of the guys arrested. Parker had finally started speaking to him again, although she only did so when he asked her a direct questions. Her mono-syllabic answers were what finally did him in and made him quit trying. By mid-summer she had stopped speaking to Veronica as well. According to Mac, Parker didn’t understand how they could go from hating each other for nearly a year to being the best of friends in less than a month.
Parker didn’t understand how they could be like they were.
And it’s Christmas Eve years down the line
Sitting here wishing I had treated you better when you were mine
I have no way of knowing where you are
But I’m going to stop pretending that I didn’t break your heart
January of Junior year changed things drastically though, changing things between them and between her and her father.
A call from the Community hospital in a small Texas town changed everything. One call informing her that her mother had died of alcohol poisoning the night before, shortly after he new boyfriend had found her and called 911. The ambulance had been too late and it had taken the police several hours to find her next of kin. Daughter, Veronica Mars, and ex-husband, Keith Mars, both of Neptune, California.
It was her refusal to travel to Texas that started the fight between her and her father. After twenty minutes straight of arguing Veronica had slammed out of their apartment yelling as she went that “if she can’t be buried here at home then I’m not going”. It wasn’t until she was halfway across town that she realized where she was going.
She tapped lightly on his front door, but before she could lower her fist Logan had swung the door open. Engulfed in a hug she felt her muscles relax and her fists unclench. This is what she needed. He knew what to do, he always knew what to do in these situations, and she let him lead her inside and to the couch. She took the glass of brandy he offered her and rested her head on his shoulder as he settled next to her. Somehow he had known she’d com and had all her favorite movies ready for her, queued up in the DVD player. She fell asleep, head pillowed on his chest, after the dude speech in “The Big Lebowski”.
~ * ~
Her phone’s persistent beeping woke her up roughly nine hours later. One new voicemail, from her dad, probably wondering where she was and who she was with. Twenty-one years old and she still had to check in with her father, who she still lived with. Pathetic. She had always expected to move out right after high school and here she was, three years later and hiding out at Logan’s.
The voicemail was short and to the point. He didn’t question her whereabouts or her company. Simply informed her of the address of the funeral, the time and the day. At the end of the message his voice faltered a bit when he asked how long she’d be staying with Logan.
She wondered briefly if her dad had called ahead of her and told Logan she was on her way. Probably not. There had to have been a fifty-fifty chance that she’d got to Wallace’s last night and her father wouldn’t give Logan the upper hand in spending a night with his daughter. And Logan wouldn’t have called her dad and let him know she was staying because that would be admitting she stayed over and he was still too afraid of death to do that. No, they both just knew her too well. If she’d gone to Wallace’s she wouldn’t have stayed over. Not when he moved in with Piz at the end of last school year, albeit off-campus and not in the same room. There was still no way she was sleeping over in the same apartment with that ex.
Veronica ventured out of the guest room to find Logan sitting at his kitchen table. He was reading the paper, drinking coffee and eating toast. The very picture of domestic tranquility. He looked up when she came in and leaned back in his chair, far enough for her to climb onto his lap and lay her head on his shoulder.
“My dad wanted to know how long I was going to stay with you.” She stated, better to make it her father’s question than her own. Better that than for her to ask him how long she could stay.
“However long you want to stay. If you can’t be in that apartment right now it’s fine if you want to be here.” Of course he still answered like she had made it her question.
He picked her up and placed her on her feet as he stood. He poured her a cup of coffee and handed it to her.
“When’s the funeral?”
“Day after tomorrow. In Texas.”
~ * ~
It only took Logan two and a half hours to talk her into what her father had spent the better part of the last week arguing with her about.
Her dad was already on his way, driving. Logan made flight reservations for both himself and her. She refused to spend the night outside of California, so they’d leave early and get back late. Logan didn’t mind going with and the long schedule of the day. He refused to put her on the plane by herself and let her do this alone.
The arrangement suited her just fine.
~ * ~
She officially moved out of her dad’s apartment and into Logan’s beach house three days after the funeral. She couldn’t stay there anymore and the lease was up anyway. He could find a one bedroom in a better part of town.
The first night after moving all her things in she cried. Breaking down in Logan’s arms, sobbing. Afterwards, when she had cried herself to sleep, he didn’t have the heart to take her to her own bedroom. He slept with her cuddled up to his side that night.
The second night she had burst into his room without knocking, too angry to hold it in. as he set his book aside, carefully marking the page, she began the rant he knew had been coming. He watched her from bed as she paced, hands gesturing wildly in her fury.
“He had no right to be there. No right. What was he thinking? Coming to her funeral when he knew damn well that both my dad and I would be there? Jake Kane has never thought about anyone but himself. Just like her. They should have been together. The most selfish, oblivious couple in the world…” and so she went on, her anger building until she was in tears again, shaking. She fell asleep clutching his shirt that night, nose buried in his chest, arms wrapped around her.
It had continued on for several more nights, alternating between depression and anger. Some nights she hated herself for kicking her mother out over four years ago after Aaron’s attack. Other nights she raged on about her mother’s betrayal with Jake Kane. How she was so quick to abandon her. How she didn’t think twice about taking that fifty grand that her father had gotten for finding Duncan when he fled the country the first time. The only thing that stayed the same was Veronica always ended up in tears clutching at Logan.
One night Veronica had sat perched at the edge of his bed, chatting calmly. It was the first night she hadn’t fallen asleep after dissolving into tears. Instead she had slowly drifted off while talking about the difference between something and something else. In the end she ended up curled on the far side of the bed, a foot and half away. Logan had laid there, awake, for another hour resisting the urge to pull her closer.
~ * ~
Three weeks after she moved in she brought home the “mystery boyfriend”. Logan had almost gagged when he learned it was Casey Gant. And that had mostly to do with how he found out and a little bit to find out that she really was dating someone.
Logan had come home early to fid them there, sucking face on the couch… and he instantly wished he had taken Dick up on his party offer. But he’d been anxious to get home to check on Veronica. Stupid, stupid Logan. She was obviously fine, pressed between his suede couch and a guy he had kind of hated in high school. Casey had seemed shocked to see him too.
“Hi-heh… hey man,” Casey stumbled over the words-and his feet-in his haste to get up from the couch and off of Veronica.
Veronica was beat red and looking like she wanted to die at the moment. Especially when Casey told him that they were going to watch a movie then asked he wanted to join him. Logan didn’t even have time to answer before Casey said it was cool and then excused himself to make a phone call.
“So, Casey Gant?” He was relieved to find that his voice didn’t crack over the words. He hadn’t realized that he had been hoping for a reunion these last couple of weeks. The protectiveness had always been such a familiar feeling to him. After all he had been protective of her when they were younger and she was his girlfriend’s best friend and his best friend’s girlfriend. But this jealous feeling coupled with the dull ache of hurt in his chest was something he didn’t feel back then. It was something he felt Senior year when he’d watched her with Duncan. Or the end of Freshman year of college when he’d had to see her with Piz.
“Yeah. I was going to tell you, but things were just so emotional for a while and the move and everything it just kind of got pushed into the background.” Her eyes were downcast, she couldn’t make eye contact and that bothered her more than getting caught making out on the couch with her secret boyfriend… again.
“It’s okay, it was just unexpected. You hadn’t mentioned your boyfriend… Casey, in a while.” He couldn’t quite get her to meet his eyes, and he had to stop himself from reaching out and putting his hand under her chin.
“So, what do you want to watch first V? The comedy or the murder mystery?” Casey came bursting back into the room before Veronica could tell Logan why she hadn’t mentioned Casey in a while. He’d been on a business thing for his publishing company, trying to learn how to run the company that his grandmother had left him when she died back in 2005. He planned to start taking an active part in running it when he graduated and wanted to know as much as possible about how to do it before then.
“See, all I heard was do you want to watch the comedy or the comedy. So I’ll go with the second comedy selection if you don’t mind.” Veronica made an attempt at a joke, an attempt at covering up the awkwardness between herself and both of them men in the room. Logan smiled at the remark, understanding exactly what she meant. Casey just furrowed his brow in bewilderment as he put in the mystery.
Logan’s steps faltered when he realized that Casey was taking his seat on Veronica’s right side. The side he always sat on, the side she always leaned to. He took the recliner that was separate from the couch she was on. Her look of disappointment and hurt was only a brief flash but he caught it. Just like he caught the way Casey slipped his arm around Veronica’s shoulder and pulled her closer into his chest at an awkward angle. Just like he caught the possessiveness of Casey’s move.
~ * ~
It was at 4am that Logan realized two things.
The first was that Veronica planned to sleep in her own bed that night. The second was that she didn’t intend to do so alone.
I didn’t mean to hurt you
I didn’t know what I was doing
Her relationship with Casey last until the end of October Senior year. Logan realized that he didn’t just kind of hate Casey, he really hated Casey. He hated the way Casey made everyone coffee in the morning. He hated the way he made Veronica laugh a laugh he never heard before. He hated the way Casey snuggled with her while watching a movie and ignored the fact that Logan was even in the house. He hated how Casey was basketball buddies with Wallace and talked to Mac like they’d always been friends. He hated the way Casey would always seem to be there for a week then basically disappear for the next one. But most of all, he hated the way Casey kissed her… and touched her. Like he had some kind of claim to her, some kind of right.
When he came home to find Veronica throwing things in a cardboard box he had immediately panicked. The thought that she could be moving out sent him reeling and searching for possible reasons for her to stay. Because the only option to living with him would be her living with Casey.
“What are you doing?” Logan was surprised that his voice didn’t squeak the way it had when he was little and afraid. He hadn’t been truly afraid since he was little. There had been times when instead of letting fear take over he pushed it away in order to do what needed to be done. Most of these times consisted of Veronica being in trouble and him having to put her safety first.
“Packing up Casey’s things, he’s going to pick them up tomorrow and I don’t want him to have to be here looking for them. I’d rather he just pick up the box and leave.” Her voice was casual and didn’t sound overly hurt. It sounded like she was talking about Wallace coming by to grab the jacket that had been laying over the back of the couch that for the last two weeks.
“You and Casey broke up?” Logan tried to not let the joy he was feeling seep into his voice. Casey was gone. No more Casey. Why weren’t they celebrating? Oh yeah, she’d actually like the guy
“Yeah, we had a big fight and I realized that I just didn’t care enough to fix it.” Veronica glanced up at him before grabbing something off the table and tossing it in the box. He heard something shatter at the same time he realized that she really wasn’t upset.
“I’ve got to go have dinner with my dad tonight and I promised Wallace and Mac that I’d meet them downtown afterwards. See you later?” She closed up the box and grabbed her sweater, her eyes searching his for confirmation.
“Yeah, I’ll be home.” Her hand skimmed over his as she said goodbye and it wasn’t until she was out the door and he could think again that he remembered Wallace’s jacket on the couch.
~ * ~
He finally went to bed at 1am, too tired to wait up for her anymore. He’d been up since five thirty that morning, a surfing man-date with Dick. Something they tried to do every Saturday, and it was probably the last time they’d be able to do it this year. The water was getting colder and he’d be lucky if he didn’t have a cold tomorrow morning.
Veronica came in at 3am, exhausted from dodging her dad’s questions about her and Casey, monitoring how much Mac and Wallace were drinking. But what really drained her was talking them out of their keys and driving them home. She wished for probably the millionth time that she’d dropped Wallace off first and it’d been I-don’t-dig-into-your-personal-life-without-you-asking-me-to Mac that she’d been stuck in the car with.
But no, she’d wanted a little alone time with her BFF so Mac got dropped off first. Mac complained that she had an early morning meeting Parker for breakfast and how she was going to kill the both of them in the morning if she threw up. As soon as she disappeared into her dorm building Wallace turned his all-knowing gaze on her and did his nosy-ass best friend thing.
“So what’s the real reason you broke up with Casey? And don’t give me that shit about the two of you not working anymore.” He knew always knew when she was lying and how to cut to the point. She could never understand how he did that. How he managed to be one of three people in the world who could see past the bullshit she presented to the world and into the truth of the matter. That could see her.
“It really just didn’t work anymore.”
He accepted it for tonight, he was drunk and probably figured that he’d have better luck tomorrow when he finally came over to get that jacket he left two weeks ago during movie night with her and Logan.
He passed out a block and a half away from his apartment and she’d had to call up to Piz to come help her.
“Why don’t you stay on the couch? It’s late.” Piz asked her as soon as Wallace was tucked safely into his own bed, mumbling about being dizzy and never drinking again.
“I can’t. I kind of told Logan I’d be home earlier than this and he’ll worry if I don’t come home at all. The next thing you know he’s calling the station and the hospitals.” She grabbed her keys off the living room floor where they’d dropped during the struggle with Wallace.
With that she had gotten in her car and driven home.
~ * ~
It was at 4am and she couldn’t sleep that got up and decided on a course that had always helped her before.
She tip-toed down the hall to Logan’s room and pushed open the door. He woke just as she was sliding in next to him.
“You’re home late. Have fun?” He stretched and then shifted onto his right side so he could face her.
“I’ve been home for about an hour, but I couldn’t sleep so…” She let her words trail off, knew she didn’t have to explain the rest. She always came in here when she couldn’t sleep. And he never cared, always just let her curl up on the other side of the bed and sleep.
“Why not? Rough day? Upset about the break up?” He rattled off the questions in quick succession, with a big yawn at the finish.
“Just couldn’t, and it wasn’t rough exactly. Just dad wanted to know what happened between Casey and me and Wallace didn’t accept the reason I gave.” She scooted her body a little closer to his without thinking about it. The sheets were still pretty cool on her side and she was getting a chill.
“And what reason did you give him?” Logan pulled up the blanket at their feet and tucked it around her back.
“That it wasn’t working anymore and I couldn’t see us going to the place that Casey wanted us to go.” Veronica’s voice wasn’t as tense this time as it had been when Wallace and her dad had questioned her about it. But Logan’s voice didn’t sound so disappointed as her dad’s had been. Or suspicious as Wallace’s had been for some reason.
“It’s true. It wasn’t working and I didn’t want what Casey wanted. Marriage and kids. But that wasn’t exactly the whole truth.” She could see the shock in Logan’s face when she mentioned the marriage and kids part.
“So what is the whole truth?” He asked, hoping that it wasn’t that she was scared and couldn’t deal with it. That was classic Veronica and just meant that eventually she’d come around.
“I realized I just didn’t want him. Not that much and not in that way, and honestly it’s not fair to keep him in a relationship like that when he deserved a better one with someone that does want him. Although I couldn’t really care less whether it’d fair or not, I just couldn’t move in with him like he wanted.”
“Did you give him the it’s-not-fair-you-deserve-more speech?” At her nod he continued, “And his response to that was…?”
“That I didn’t want to move in with him because I didn’t want to move out of here. That I was too dependant on you and I was emotionally unavailable.” Her voice was getting irritated and rising a little.
“Emotionally unavailable? Can you believe that? Emotionally unavailable, seriously? I felt like I was on Dr. Phil or Oprah or something.” She glanced up into his eyes before furrowing her brow staring at his chest. Emotionally unavailable? Seriously?
“Why are you here Veronica?” Logan asked the question that he’d never asked before. She’d crawled in bed with him hundreds of times. After a nightmare about Cassidy or Aaron, after a fight with her dad. Hell, she’d practically camped out in his room after her mom died.
“I couldn’t sleep.” Veronica knew what he was really asking, but if she could avoid it for a little longer she could fall asleep and evade the real question altogether.
“So you’re so upset about breaking up with your boyfriend of a year that it’s induced insomnia?” His voice was sarcastic and doubtful. He knew she wasn’t upset about it.
“Ten months, boyfriend of ten months. And not upset in a heartbroken, wish it would have worked out and I’m really going to regret this. Upset in a can’t believe he said that to me way. It’s the things he said that bother me. That I shut him out emotionally. That I wasn’t really in the relationship.”
“So why are you in here? Isn’t Mac more qualified for this girl talk thing?” He knew the answer to that question, just wanted her to say it.
“You know me better, and who’s more qualified for girl talk than you? Aren’t you the expert?” She was started to get annoyed with his question. It was the same one, and usually he moved on after a question went unanswered once.
“I am in the expert in girls, but not the talk part. And I want to know why you’re in here Veronica, quit avoiding.” Logan didn’t usually take such a direct approach with her when she was being skittish, but the occasion called for it. He didn’t want to keep running in the same circle that they’d been running in since their make up Sophomore year. Since their break up Freshman year, and before Senior year of high school. Since he turned on her when Lilly died. Since Lilly died and before. The same circles they’d run around each other when she was twelve and in a pigtails and a soccer uniform and he was the new kid.
“If you don’t want me in here just say so Logan and I’ll get out.” There was the hurt. The hurt that she should have felt earlier with Casey, but didn’t feel until now when Logan was possibly rejecting her. She made a move to get out of bed.
“I didn’t say that I didn’t want you in here Veronica. I just want to know why you want to be in here.” Logan’s hand snaked out to catch her wrist and keep her in bed. His heart raced at the hurt in her voice.
“Because in here was where you were Logan. If you’d been on the couch I’d be in the living room right now.” She said it before she’d fully thought about it, before she thought about the consequences of saying it.
“Why?” His voice did cracked this time, the burst of hope in his chest nearly strangling him.
“Because you’ve become this person that I go to. This person that I trust.” With that she flew at him, her lips crushing his, bruising his and her own in the process.
His arms wrapped around her waist and rolled her underneath him, pressing her to the mattress and to him. He pulled back and kissed her chin, then trailed kisses down her throat before moving his mouth back to hers. She gasped and let his tongue slide inside as she hooked one leg behind his knees and wrapped her arms around his neck and shoulders.
Logan’s hands gripped her waist for a second, then slid up to her breasts before trailing back down to her stomach. His thumbs rubbed circular patterns for a moment and then they were running up her back and cupping her shoulders, diving into her hair. They gripped at her hips and hitched her leg higher. One ran down to her ankle where he squeezed. In the end one hand was at the small of her back, pressing her body closer. And one was in her hair, holding her head in place.
He rolled over on his back and detached his lips from hers, a wide grin growing wider on his face.
“Seriously though, you just broke up with Casey. You dated him for almost a year, are you sure this isn’t a rebound thing? Because I don’t think I could handle that. Because it’d be easy to rebound here. We’re roommates and we have a history.” His voice hitched at the possibility that this wasn’t a him and her thing. That this could be a comfort thing. He’d take it though, he just dreaded the thought that she might regret this in the end.
“We’ve always been more than roommates. And I never wanted Casey the way I want you. Never cared about him the way I do about you.” Veronica slid from above him to his side, cuddled in. She kissed his chest and continued, “You’ve always been what I wanted in the end Logan, and you’re what I want now.”
His arms tightened around her as she snuggled in deeper, closing her eyes and drifting off to sleep with her head laying in the crook of his shoulder. He let his head fall back and his muscles relax.
The rest would have to wait till morning.
~ * ~
The morning light drifted across the bed and Logan woke up to find himself alone. The panic made his heart skip a beat. She wasn’t in bed with him. Either it had been a particularly vivid dream or she was already regretting it. Maybe she had been drunk, after all she’d gotten in at three or four that morning.
Logan swung back the covers at the same instant that his bedroom door flew open. There she stood, wearing a tiny tank top and itty-bitty shorts, hair mussed and holding two cups of steaming coffee. But it was the joyous grin on her face that eased his anxiety, that made a smile of his own slip onto his face.
“What are you looking so relieved about mister? I made the coffee and as you always put it, that’s a dangerous offer.” Her voice was musical this morning. Sounding like she’d slept well, and with a glance to the clock he understood why. It was three in the afternoon.
“How is it that I slept about fourteen hours?” Logan went to stand and retrieve his coffee only to be shoved back down on to the bed and given his cup. Holding her own she settled herself over him, straddling his lap. This was something he could really get used to every morning. She was living with him now so there’d be none of her running back to her dad’s place. And her dad wouldn’t be harming him anytime soon since they’d been living like this for almost a year now.
“I don’t know, but it was about ten for me, and the best I’ve slept in months. In fact, I usually get a maximum of five hours so…” Veronica stretched out her neck so her lips could meet his. She’d been up for an hour and was getting antsy for him to finally wake up. She had so many things she wanted to do with him today. And number was this.
Logan set their coffee mugs aside without breaking off the kiss, nearly missing the table and dropping her cup when her fingers began a slow tease of his nipples. He jumped at the sensation and felt her smile against his mouth. He only prepared himself for a moment before he gripped her hips and flipped her onto her back.
It was so quick she hadn’t expected it. He’d always been like that, quick and unpredictable… like some kind of wild animal. It had scared her in high school, and terrified her freshman year, even though she’d been attracted to it-and him-all the while. Now it was amazing, and she couldn’t get enough of it.
His mouth trailed kisses down her throat like the night before, but this time he didn’t stop when he got to hollow at the base. He kept going, peppering happy kisses across the tops of her breasts. In an attempt to free his targets he reached down and gave the bottom hem of her tank top a firm tug. Her breasts popped out of the top and she laughed at as he grinned.
“Boobs!” He yelled it like the decree of a thirteen year old boy who had just seen his first pair. His adorably juvenile mood was contagious and she couldn’t help but giggle in response. Instead of going to work on the newly exposed skin, gripped the hem again and tugged it upwards and over her head. She saw the brief flash of pink as he did a little stripper twirl and tossed in the direction of his dresser. He missed by a mile and it landed on a lamp, knocking it to the floor.
“You’re such a dork.” She said jovially, rolling her eyes in mock annoyance that was forgotten as his mouth latched on one nipple. “Mmmm…”
He was working off her panties before she even noticed he had gotten her shorts off. The white cotton slipped by her knees, past her ankles and over her feet with a speed she didn’t think possible.
“Your turn.” She bucked her hips against him and flipped him on his back. He laughed and wiggled his hips, folding his arms behind his head.
“I like this view, it’s a good one.” He looked up at her, hovering over his body completely naked. She sat back on her heels, hands on her hips and arched an eyebrow at him.
Logan smirked and lifted his hips up against her, pressing his more than obvious erection into her.
Smiling she bit her lip and bent to divest him of his boxers. She grabbed hold of the band, slipping her fingers just inside and brushing his hips with them. His eyes shut and his smirk faded into a soft smile.
The knock at the front door echoed like a shot through the bedroom. The looked at each other and sighed, Veronica’s head hanging low in disappointment.
She stood and he groaned while she picked up her discarded clothes and pulled them back on. She left off her underwear and smiled at him as she tucked them into his own underwear drawer.
“Coming?” She whispered as she leaned down and pecked him on the lips.
“I thought I would be, but alas… no.” He said it in an overly-dramatic tone as he lifted himself from the bed and grabbed his sweats off the floor.
“Do you think they’ll notice?” Logan gestured down at the front of his pants, his erection still obvious. She smiled and shook her head the negative, inwardly praying it wasn’t her father.
Chapter 4b:The Lines That Cross