This Crazy Thing I Call Life...
So I just got off the phone with Cedrick, and we finally talked about our relationship. And yes it hurt like hell to hear his side of it. I am dead serious when I say that I just want to crawl into my bed and cry. But I can't. Besides the fact that I have to go to work in 45 minutes, I'm stronger than that now. But it still hurts knowing that I had a part in losing the best thing that ever happened to me. I hurt him as much as he hurt me. And no matter what you might think of the situation, I loved Cedrick with everything I had. There was nothing I would not have done for him. He was my knight in shining armor. He was the only man that I have ever imagined spending the rest of my life with; the only man that I would have been willing to have his kids. And everyone knows how much I don't want children. Y'all just have no idea how real that dream was. I could literally picture us growing old together. We had the same goals in life. We wanted the same things, and I knew that as long as I had him by my side, there was nothing I could not have accomplished. And no matter what he might or might not have done to me; he helped me become the person that I am today. I never wanted to become like those other girls in his past. The ones that he looks back on and realized that they hurt him and helped make him the "whore" I so affectionately call him. But that's just what I did. How do you deal with that? How do I ever get over that?
I don't think I ever will. For the rest of my life I have to live with the fact that I played a part in losing what I still consider "the love of my life." I still believe that Cedrick was my soul mate. And now I have to live with seeing him with someone else. Someone who does all the things I should have been doing when I was with him. He no longer needs me. He has Katrina, and she does all the things that I never did. I don't know why I didn't do them. You can chalk it up to immaturity, insecurity, or whatever else you can think of. But the fact remains, that when Cedrick needed me the most, I wasn't there. No one forced me not to move in with him. No one forced me to return to Wesleyan. I could have moved in with him, but I was too scared; so I constantly came up with excuses. I could have went to VSU, but I chose to go to Wesleyan. Maybe subconsciously I was sabotaging our relationship. I don't know what happened. All I know is that now I would kill for the opportunity to be with him again. And I can't have it. It's not even an option any more. And that's no one's fault but my own. He's happy, and it would be wrong to try and take his happiness away from him. So I guess that I have to just grow up and deal with it. But God knows that I don't want to. I guess I always thought that eventually we would get back together,and now I know that will never happen. And believe me when I say it hurts like hell. I don't even possess the words to describe how that feels. There's never really been anything that I wanted that I couldn't have. Never. Eventually I always get what I want. And for the first time I know with certainty that I can't have Cedrick. So I hope that Katrina is everything that Cedrick ever wanted in a woman. I hope that she continues to give him everything I couldn't. But at the same time, I hope she has the intelligence to appreciate what she has. Because I didn't and I ended up losing it.
I don't think I ever will. For the rest of my life I have to live with the fact that I played a part in losing what I still consider "the love of my life." I still believe that Cedrick was my soul mate. And now I have to live with seeing him with someone else. Someone who does all the things I should have been doing when I was with him. He no longer needs me. He has Katrina, and she does all the things that I never did. I don't know why I didn't do them. You can chalk it up to immaturity, insecurity, or whatever else you can think of. But the fact remains, that when Cedrick needed me the most, I wasn't there. No one forced me not to move in with him. No one forced me to return to Wesleyan. I could have moved in with him, but I was too scared; so I constantly came up with excuses. I could have went to VSU, but I chose to go to Wesleyan. Maybe subconsciously I was sabotaging our relationship. I don't know what happened. All I know is that now I would kill for the opportunity to be with him again. And I can't have it. It's not even an option any more. And that's no one's fault but my own. He's happy, and it would be wrong to try and take his happiness away from him. So I guess that I have to just grow up and deal with it. But God knows that I don't want to. I guess I always thought that eventually we would get back together,and now I know that will never happen. And believe me when I say it hurts like hell. I don't even possess the words to describe how that feels. There's never really been anything that I wanted that I couldn't have. Never. Eventually I always get what I want. And for the first time I know with certainty that I can't have Cedrick. So I hope that Katrina is everything that Cedrick ever wanted in a woman. I hope that she continues to give him everything I couldn't. But at the same time, I hope she has the intelligence to appreciate what she has. Because I didn't and I ended up losing it.