heart shattered into thousands

[princessdiva473]

Well it's been awhile since I wrote an actual update in this damn thing. Alot has been going down. I've been really busy and stressed with school. Dave and I are apart again. I'm having kind of a hard time with it, even though I am trying not to show that I am. In fact, maybe more so than other times. I miss him as my best friend. I look at a year ago and it was the exact opposite of my life right now. Yet he is willing to give it all up because he is scared. I know this. I wish I could tell him though there's nothing to be afraid of. I know there's still something there. I know everytime we kiss, there's still butterflies for BOTH of us. That is something that you don't get with everyone. It's not something I want to give up on. I'm still trying to hang on and maybe it's stupid of me. It's not logical and I know it's not. My heart is shattered into thousands. It hurts that we don't talk at all. He won't even say anything over IM. I don't like not being in his life at all. It's not fair. I can't help but think of spring semester when everything was perfect, even summer wasn't that bad. I know we are young, but maybe that's what makes it hurt so much more--because it's innocent love. I can easily say I've never felt like this about anyone. I have never loved anyone as much as I love him. I promised myself, I wouldn't ever fall this hard for anyone. Yet, I fell harder than I could have ever imagined. I bent over backwards so many times and it doesn't matter. I don't want advice or bullshit fake sympathy or whatever some of you chicks like to write, pretending you know what it's like--when I can guarantee you don't. My situation is unique and I know I am unique. I don't even know what can even be done. I miss the man I fell in love with...the man who wasn't afraid to let himself fall and let himself love me. How can I assure this man that everything is going to be ok? How can I assure him that I will not give up and will not stop loving him, unless he wants me to (and even there, I am not sure)? How can I just make him believe again and not be afraid of letting himself be happy...? I wish I could at least just talk to him and know he is ok. I just want to still be part of his life...that is the most hurtful part...is basically that he is dead to me...or rather, I am dead to him.

Am I crazy? Who the hell knows...?