Questioning Your Intentions...
Its kinda like being being between a rock and a hard place. I can't make anything out clearly and yet I can't move... hence the needing to move from such a place. I have been searching for so long... and yet it always comes back.... The questions. I try to move on, and grow up and see things differently, but you won't let me get past this until I deal with it. It's the toughest part about being a stubborn person... you never want something to best you! I have tried to come up the victor... but I don't know how much more fight is in me.
Today the questions came and parked in my head for semi-permanent residence. It's hard to say exactly what caused such a thing, but mostly I think that I did.
I fed a homeless crippled guy today... I was running late, it was my lunch break and I went to McDonalds to TRY and get something fast and healthy.... I had money but I thought "you might need that later, use your debit card" and so I did. I walked out the front door and there was this old black guy in a wheelchair. He looked at me kind of sheepishly, like he was a bit ashamed but then he started to ask.. but all he could say was "I just would like hamburger..." I pulled out the $8 dollars that was all I had in my wallet and gave it to him... he looked so relieved... and a little shocked. I felt like crying actually. I had just waltzed in there and ordered a number 6 or whatever... no problem. I would have gone somewhere more "gourmet" which probably would have been more expensive, but I was in a hurry... so fast food. The point is there was no problem for me, no hesitation, no QUESTION over whether or not I was going to be able to eat something.... and here was this man, a man that has the same right as any other person who has to hope and pray and rely on strangers to help him have the basic right of FOOD. It hurt my heart. I NEVER carry cash, but I'm going to more often... I was caught a few weeks back at the gas station with no cash and it has haunted me ever since... I TOTALLY have money that I could have given him... and it was soo COLD that night.
Why are some people's lives like that?!? Why am I so blessed? And why do I feel like crying everytime I see them? It just makes my issues seem so small, petty even. I'm worried about a guy. And there is hunger that is raping our country.... sorry no other way to say that... I see people everyday!!!
I don't understand this world... and I don't get the why...