(no subject)
I, my friends, am on a mission to get myself back.
I have sat idle too long. I have whined about not being happy for too long. I have sought comfort in dark bars and mascara for too long. I have pushed too many people away. I have held on to all the wrong things and have lost my grip on the things that are the most important to me.
The most important thing to me is my self worth. I learned this young. You have to be out for number one. If someone says you're not good enough--if someone hates you because you have large breasts--you have a choice: you can either believe them, or you can defy them. I have spent my life defying people. Fuck you if you think I'm not smart enough. Fuck you if you think being smart is lame. Fuck you if you're jealous I hang out with the boys. Fuck you if you think I'll back down because you're a grade older than me. Fuck you if you think I won't express my thoughts because you're a fucking gym teacher and an assistant coach to a bunch of meatheads who couldn't form an opinion if their touchdown depended on it. Fuck you if you think I'm not good enough for him--not holy enough. Fuck you if you think I won't get this surgery. Fuck you if you think I won't write about it and let the whole world know what I did. Fuck you if you think that's inappropriate. Fuck you if you think I care what you think about my major. Fuck you if you think I won't be able to afford living away from home. Fuck you if you think you can weasel your way back into my life, sleep with me, and leave. Fuck you if you think I won't move out. Fuck you if you think for one second I'm not going to make it to New York City. Fuck you if you think that I came all the way to NYC to babysit your child.
Yes, the only thing that matters is what happens when I look in the mirror--or when my fingers hit the keyboard. The only thing that matters is that I am straight-up honest with myself. About what makes me happy. About what I've done wrong. About what I've done right.
But, lately, the only person I've forgotten to defy is myself. I've been completely critical of myself. I've lost myself because... I don't know why.
Notice that my "Fuck-yous" all ended after NY. Since then... I've been walked all over. Even Jon, while I was in NY. Brad--just dropped in whenever he fucking felt like it. I even let Erik walk all over me for a fiftieth-billion time around. I let Jenn walk all over me at Winter Carnival--I had a fucking anxiety attack the minute she got out of the car, but heaven forbid I tell her where to put it when her drunk ass is screaming hysterics at me in front of my friends at 3am when she isn't ready to go back to the hotel. Chris Alpers--whatever the fuck that was. Even my Blondie. I was so in denial.
Ugh. My birthday. I tried to please all of my fucking friends. All of my fucking selfish friends. I should have been selfish that day. I should have been selfish more often.
I have slunk down into this corner. I have started to believe that I am not pretty enough, that gaining weight is inevitable, that my career is at a stand-still because of something I did or didn't do. I have started to believe that I am not good enough for all the things that I have worked very hard to attain. I have taken my friendships for granted simply because of the town in which they started. I have taken no responsibility for some of my actions, and I have not held people accountable for theirs. I have stopped writing because I'm afraid of what I'll say. I have stopped speaking up because I'm afraid to hear myself speak. I have been feeling inferior.
I'm trying to think why this happened... why after NY did I stop.. being me? I think its because I thought it was just going to be this one year, that I'd have to get through and then I could go back to the lifestyle that I loved. I could go be healthy and clear-minded and successful.
And it was just an illusion. I am here. I am doing what's best for my career. I need to get healthy. I need to turn things around. This is my life. And no one--not even myself--is going to walk all over it. Not for a fucking second more.
I have sat idle too long. I have whined about not being happy for too long. I have sought comfort in dark bars and mascara for too long. I have pushed too many people away. I have held on to all the wrong things and have lost my grip on the things that are the most important to me.
The most important thing to me is my self worth. I learned this young. You have to be out for number one. If someone says you're not good enough--if someone hates you because you have large breasts--you have a choice: you can either believe them, or you can defy them. I have spent my life defying people. Fuck you if you think I'm not smart enough. Fuck you if you think being smart is lame. Fuck you if you're jealous I hang out with the boys. Fuck you if you think I'll back down because you're a grade older than me. Fuck you if you think I won't express my thoughts because you're a fucking gym teacher and an assistant coach to a bunch of meatheads who couldn't form an opinion if their touchdown depended on it. Fuck you if you think I'm not good enough for him--not holy enough. Fuck you if you think I won't get this surgery. Fuck you if you think I won't write about it and let the whole world know what I did. Fuck you if you think that's inappropriate. Fuck you if you think I care what you think about my major. Fuck you if you think I won't be able to afford living away from home. Fuck you if you think you can weasel your way back into my life, sleep with me, and leave. Fuck you if you think I won't move out. Fuck you if you think for one second I'm not going to make it to New York City. Fuck you if you think that I came all the way to NYC to babysit your child.
Yes, the only thing that matters is what happens when I look in the mirror--or when my fingers hit the keyboard. The only thing that matters is that I am straight-up honest with myself. About what makes me happy. About what I've done wrong. About what I've done right.
But, lately, the only person I've forgotten to defy is myself. I've been completely critical of myself. I've lost myself because... I don't know why.
Notice that my "Fuck-yous" all ended after NY. Since then... I've been walked all over. Even Jon, while I was in NY. Brad--just dropped in whenever he fucking felt like it. I even let Erik walk all over me for a fiftieth-billion time around. I let Jenn walk all over me at Winter Carnival--I had a fucking anxiety attack the minute she got out of the car, but heaven forbid I tell her where to put it when her drunk ass is screaming hysterics at me in front of my friends at 3am when she isn't ready to go back to the hotel. Chris Alpers--whatever the fuck that was. Even my Blondie. I was so in denial.
Ugh. My birthday. I tried to please all of my fucking friends. All of my fucking selfish friends. I should have been selfish that day. I should have been selfish more often.
I have slunk down into this corner. I have started to believe that I am not pretty enough, that gaining weight is inevitable, that my career is at a stand-still because of something I did or didn't do. I have started to believe that I am not good enough for all the things that I have worked very hard to attain. I have taken my friendships for granted simply because of the town in which they started. I have taken no responsibility for some of my actions, and I have not held people accountable for theirs. I have stopped writing because I'm afraid of what I'll say. I have stopped speaking up because I'm afraid to hear myself speak. I have been feeling inferior.
I'm trying to think why this happened... why after NY did I stop.. being me? I think its because I thought it was just going to be this one year, that I'd have to get through and then I could go back to the lifestyle that I loved. I could go be healthy and clear-minded and successful.
And it was just an illusion. I am here. I am doing what's best for my career. I need to get healthy. I need to turn things around. This is my life. And no one--not even myself--is going to walk all over it. Not for a fucking second more.