(no subject)
I feel deflated.
I am... lacking inspiration. I don't think I'm depressed, I think I'm just underwhelmed. I can't really explain it, but I'm going to give it a try.
I honestly feel like I am pushing away a lot of things. I think Lacey is mad at me (Why? Because that's what Lacey does) and I can't think of a single reason I want to pick up the phone and have a rough conversation to make it better. I'm keeping my distance from Tebo because of an especially rude comment he made at dinner the other night, and because more and more I see less and less about him that qualifies him to be a part of my life the way I've let him be. I find myself taking back a friend that I've sworn I'd never be friendly with again... out of boredom.
I feel like I'm asking for a big kick in the pants. And honestly, maybe I am? Maybe something earth-shaking wouldn't be so horrible?
It would, for sure, be a lot better than going to work, going to class, and then going home to watch Rachael Ray and thinking about how, if I only I didn't spend so much, I wouldn't be in debt and then...
Well, if I wasn't in debt, and if I weren't so unmotivated...
Well let's just say it -- I wouldn't be in Michigan. I wouldn't be in my room watching the Food Network, willing myself to just last a few more hours before I have another snack. I wouldn't be torturing myself. I wouldn't be my own worst enemy.
I can't really explain what's happened in the time since graduation. I guess I learned that having an English degree and a big heart doesn't mean a whole lot. I've learned that sometimes no matter how much you build your resume... you can't get a job unless you truly believe in yourself? But is that even true? Is that even the reason that I didn't look hard enough? I don't know.
But I do know that I feel myself slipping away still. I am completely self-conscious all the time. I never was. I think that I basically ruined a night out with my coworkers because I was so uneasy with myself. When has that ever happened? Never.
I am so irritated all the time. I feel like Marquette is closing in on me. I can't keep up with the demands from my friends. My dad irritates the hell out of me just by laying on the couch watching TV. Honestly, I feel like the only relationship I've kept afloat is with my mom, but sometimes she's too busy playing the devil's adovate, or sticking up for people she doesn't know, or trying to be right.
I'm so afraid that I am like my mom in that respect, that I don't stop to listen to what people need, and am too busy spouting off about what's wrong with the world, people, life.
This is a really negative entry. I realize the way it sounds makes me seem ungrateful or unfulfilled. I have a college degree. I'm the second in my family--both sides--to say that. I have a great family, a great support system. I have friends that get pissed when I don't call back. I have voicemails up the wazoo--what are you up to tonight? Just seeing what you're doin'...--and I'm sorry, sometimes, I don't want to call back. And it's not you.
It's because I am so... underwhelmed. I can't see myself anymore. I'm somewhere in there, but I can't see me.
I got on the scale on Sunday and I have not gained a pound since May. This may sound like a weird claim. The thing is, I feel like I've gained twenty. I feel like I can't find anything I want to wear.
What I'm saying is that for the first time since I got my surgery, basically, my self esteem is suffering. I am suffering. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know if I can bear quitting my program. I don't know if I can bear another year here. Will I have completely lost myself by then? Will I be trading ambition and dreams and spunk for a master's degree from a University I wouldn't choose if it weren't free?
So, thinking practically, what can I do to feel better right now? Is there a happy medium? And this is where I am at a loss.