The Hardest Thing...
For the past 10 yrs. I have always felt that the hardest thing for me to deal w/, would be losing Rob. But last night we were talking & he kept giving me the same old line, "I don't know." I'm so fucking sick of hearing "I don't know." He has to know & he does know. & I think its complete bs that he can never give me a straight answer. I've always been honest w/ him & I have never lied to him or would I ever lie to him. I have no reason whatsoever to lie to him. Just as he has no reason to lie to me.
He told me I could come over & then in a split second he changes his mind. I'm really sick of his fucking mood changes, too. I just don't fucking get it. Well, as of last night I thought I knew what his problem is & I still think that has a lot to do w/ why he acts the way he does, but last night he said that things would be really different if the convo. we had before New Year's Eve had never happened.
So last night sucked b/c I had to deal w/ the realization that the main reason that Rob & I are not living together & are not together officially is b/c of me. & its not b/c of all the stupid reasons he has told me in the past such as, I'm too boyish & not girly enough. Its b/c when I flipped out about not being able to see him on New Year's Eve, he had a flash back of Mandi & it really freaked him out. If I didn't go psycho like I did, we would probably be together. & there's nothing I can do to take any of it back. I just hope he ends up realizing that I was trying to keep him away from his friends & I was not mad that he was going to hangout w/ his friends; I was upset b/c I wanted to spend New Year's Eve w/ him. It also really hurt me when he said that his friends were more important than some girl. B/c I thought I wasn't just SOME GIRL...I thought I was one of his friends, b/c I was never his girlfriend. When he broke his hand he told me that I was one of his only friends & probably his best friend & that he would really need me over the next few mo. So when he said that friends are more important than some girl, it really hurt me b/c I would do anything for him & everytime he has needed me, or needed something I drop everything in order to help him out & be there for him. So when he was saying that his friend Cameron was more important that some girl (me) it hurt b/c he has known Cameron since Feb. 06 & he has known me for 10 yrs. & knows that he's the most important person in my life & that I would do anything for him & do. As far as I know when he needs s't like a ride home when he's drunk or whatever he never called Cameron, he always called me.
He ended up telling me I could sleep on his couch b/c I had said I needed a break from my mom (& I did), but I also wanted to see him. So I finally decided to go sleep on his couch. When I got there he was on his couch. He then made some food & said he was going to bed, so I laid down on the couch. After about 5 mins. he came into the living room & told me I didn't have to sleep on the couch. So I went into his bedroom. I just don't understand how he could go from wanting to date me & in a split second of me being psycho, he can just kick me out of his life for good. I want him & only him. I will not give up on him, until he really makes me believe he doesn't want anything to do w/ me. B/c right now he can say it all he wants, but I don't believe any of it. I had a feeling that it was b/c of me being psycho about New Year's Eve & that he's afraid of getting into a relationship b/c he views all women as whores. But I swear I am not, & I would never cheat on him. I would have no reason to. But also, I think he's afraid of being faithful b/c he doesn't want to hurt me. All I can say is....I'M NOT GIVING UP. I know ppl don't always get what they want, but I want him & I have for 10 yrs. & I'm not letting go just b/c he thinks it would be better if I just forgot about him. B/c I will never forget about him. I still don't even understand why I love him so much & why...all I can say is...he puts a smile on my face & makes me happy & I want to make him happy & be there for him when he needs me & vice versa.
That's all for now...my brain is fryed right now. Tosh~