(no subject)
All I want to do now is savor the anger and disappointment, intake more reasons why I'm right and that I'm doing the right thing--despite my forseeing that in a few weeks or months I will be unhappy and lonely again-- and bottle this up, remembering each and every ounce of ill feelings in me so that when I wake up and begin to be a bit more cool, I will not regret and change my decisions (as I have done several times in the past). I have to get past this stage of being scared to be alone. In reality we all are... so why be scared of what we're all doomed to be... pathetically and terribly alone.
Other than that, school is tiring me... not just the workload (despite only being in the 2nd week of the sem), but my training (MWF 5:50-8:30) and the time it takes to even get to school. Goodness, travelling from Paranaque to Ateneo is hell. The ride itself is so tiring already. So when I get to school, I'm tired; when I leave for the house, I'm tired from school, and when I get home, all I want to do is rest because it's twice the exhaustion.I once felt like I was doing the right thing, that my dream school would make me the happiest, but external factors are slowly shattering this dream I had for myself. It's sad that I don't feel the same enthusiasm as I had when I wasn't part of the institution yet--I had so much vigor, so much zest for the spirit of it all. Nowadays, however, I've lost the same spirit that drove me to get to this school. I don't know how I'd fight off mediocrity without this spirit.I don't know, maybe I've pushed myself too hard, maybe I've expected too much from myself. Maybe I was never special to begin with... just lucky.