(no subject)

[princess_britt]

today is an awful day. i woke up in an awful mood. ive been really depressed lately. im not even sure why. the smallest thing makes me break down and cry. i made a huge mistake giving gracie up for adoption and i have to live with that every day for the rest of my life. i know that she is taken care of but NO ONE will ever love her like i do. shes my whole heart. caitlin had a dream about her last night. i think that its bittersweet how much gracie and cait and gracire and britt bonded when i was in the hospital. im so glad that they were there but i hate that they have to miss her too. i really dont know what to do. i need to find some way to make the hurt go away. she will be a year old in november. its crazy that it has been that long without her. that i have missed out on that much of her being a baby. she is growing up so fast. they are only babies for so long and then you cant get that back. ever. i missed her first words. i wasnt the one she called momma. im not the one who tucks her in to bed or sings her to sleep. but i am the one always wondering if shes cold or hungry. or tired or if she even remembers me. every night except the night i had her, she slept in bed with me. every mormning i woke up to her beautifully perfect face. every morning she relied on me to feed her and change her. i really think that i would have made a great mom. i may not have been able to put her in the "baby gym" like shes in now and i may not have been able to give her everything but i could have given her more love than she will ever know. now its too late. now i just have to wonder. and now jodi isnt living up to everything she promised. she wants to start updating me every few months. i cant stand to wait one month with out seeing new pics and knowing how much she weighs or little things she does that is so much like me. now i have to wait ever "few" months! shes little miss independant. she doesnt like to be bnotherd. she wants to be alone. kinda like me. i was never a baby that needed to be held. i just wanted to be put on the floor and left alone. as my grandmother says "i made my bed, now i have to lie in it."

my dad, for lack of a better word called last week. but mrs mccarty asked me to get off of the journal site. so im gone. bye bye.