Two months? A Livejournal record!
Wow...two months without a single update? For a brief segment of my life, I seem to have forgotten that this damned thing still exists. What a shame too, because Livejournal is the closest thing to a real journal that I have. I mean, I have two blogs besides this one: One on Facebook which is the best one, and one on Myspace which I just use to post quiz results in. But I think I want to keep this one for my more personal (and emo) thoughts, since only my friends read this one.
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Some of you may know that I recently came back from visiting my family in Puerto Rico. Well, it was simply a wonderful vacation. Not only did I get to see my family after nearly five years, but I have a new cousin! Her name is Genesis, and she is the most adorable child I have ever seen. And she can dance pretty damn well for a little kid. Our family would play some folk music from Puerto Rico, and she would dance like a professional. Too cute.
Aside from my family, the island is always a marvel to explore. The entire island is technically one giant tropical rainforest, so the surroundings are always covered in thick vegetation and fruit trees. And then there's the ocean, with its palm trees and soothing sand beneath your feet. Plus, Puerto Rico has some of the most beautiful men and women in the world. I saw this super hot surfer guy with long hair tanning next to me as I was walking along the beach. I also got to do some kayaking, and I got to kayak all the way out to a small island with a spring in it. Just gorgeous...I want to go back again.
In a way, I miss Puerto Rico. I miss how everything used to be so simple there, and everything here seems too complicated. I mean, I should be the happiest person in the world. I get good grades in a good college, have my own five-room condominium, have a damn good car for my age group, have a good friend who I get to see once a week, and have a lot of independence and freedom to do what I want. But my life sometimes feels like I'm missing more.
I guess the obvious answer is that I need to go on a date or something, but I don't know. It feels like more than that. I mean, not to say that a date wouldn't do me any good. But I feel like I need something in the house. Something alive, to keep me company, because I feel awfully lonely sometimes. Its great that I don't have to deal with the shit of roommates, but I also need some companionship, you know?
I feel like I want a child. You know, a little kid to take care of, because I want to feel like I'm important to somebody. I want somebody to just, I don't know, depend on me. Not because I want control, but because I want to make that person happy. Maybe not a child right now, but a cat would do. Actually, a cat would be perfect.
I have a real problem with trusting people. Seems like most people serve no other purpose other than to put me down. I'll make plans with somebody, and they'll cancel to do something else with another person, as if I'm not as important. I'll go out on a date with someone, but then I'll never be treated as an individual who can think for himself. And then there's the clincher: the time that I got raped in college. Indeed, it's the incident that practically forced me to move off campus. It was probably the most frightening moment of my life, and I can totally understand why women make such a big deal about it. Sex shouldn't hurt...and not just physically either, but emotionally.
I didn't turn him in because I didn't want to make him suffer. I probably should've, but I didn't. Instead, I just moved into a place off-campus, and while I can't be happier with how much of an upgrade it is over a cramped dorm, I have become a social hermit of sorts. Too scared that it could happen again. And too scared to trust people because I fear they'll take advantage of me just like he did. One of my problems is that I'm overly nice, enough to the point that someone could shoot me in the foot with a gun, and I'd find some way to shrug it off and forgive them.
Whatever. I need to just...do what I need to do to keep going. Soon, I'll be able to have a stable career, and then I can worry about finding some companionship. I don't want to be the type of person that is constantly complaining about love, but it's how I feel. I just want to be honest, and the truth is that I think about love a lot.
Anyway, I have Japanese homework. No more procrastinating.
---
Some of you may know that I recently came back from visiting my family in Puerto Rico. Well, it was simply a wonderful vacation. Not only did I get to see my family after nearly five years, but I have a new cousin! Her name is Genesis, and she is the most adorable child I have ever seen. And she can dance pretty damn well for a little kid. Our family would play some folk music from Puerto Rico, and she would dance like a professional. Too cute.
Aside from my family, the island is always a marvel to explore. The entire island is technically one giant tropical rainforest, so the surroundings are always covered in thick vegetation and fruit trees. And then there's the ocean, with its palm trees and soothing sand beneath your feet. Plus, Puerto Rico has some of the most beautiful men and women in the world. I saw this super hot surfer guy with long hair tanning next to me as I was walking along the beach. I also got to do some kayaking, and I got to kayak all the way out to a small island with a spring in it. Just gorgeous...I want to go back again.
In a way, I miss Puerto Rico. I miss how everything used to be so simple there, and everything here seems too complicated. I mean, I should be the happiest person in the world. I get good grades in a good college, have my own five-room condominium, have a damn good car for my age group, have a good friend who I get to see once a week, and have a lot of independence and freedom to do what I want. But my life sometimes feels like I'm missing more.
I guess the obvious answer is that I need to go on a date or something, but I don't know. It feels like more than that. I mean, not to say that a date wouldn't do me any good. But I feel like I need something in the house. Something alive, to keep me company, because I feel awfully lonely sometimes. Its great that I don't have to deal with the shit of roommates, but I also need some companionship, you know?
I feel like I want a child. You know, a little kid to take care of, because I want to feel like I'm important to somebody. I want somebody to just, I don't know, depend on me. Not because I want control, but because I want to make that person happy. Maybe not a child right now, but a cat would do. Actually, a cat would be perfect.
I have a real problem with trusting people. Seems like most people serve no other purpose other than to put me down. I'll make plans with somebody, and they'll cancel to do something else with another person, as if I'm not as important. I'll go out on a date with someone, but then I'll never be treated as an individual who can think for himself. And then there's the clincher: the time that I got raped in college. Indeed, it's the incident that practically forced me to move off campus. It was probably the most frightening moment of my life, and I can totally understand why women make such a big deal about it. Sex shouldn't hurt...and not just physically either, but emotionally.
I didn't turn him in because I didn't want to make him suffer. I probably should've, but I didn't. Instead, I just moved into a place off-campus, and while I can't be happier with how much of an upgrade it is over a cramped dorm, I have become a social hermit of sorts. Too scared that it could happen again. And too scared to trust people because I fear they'll take advantage of me just like he did. One of my problems is that I'm overly nice, enough to the point that someone could shoot me in the foot with a gun, and I'd find some way to shrug it off and forgive them.
Whatever. I need to just...do what I need to do to keep going. Soon, I'll be able to have a stable career, and then I can worry about finding some companionship. I don't want to be the type of person that is constantly complaining about love, but it's how I feel. I just want to be honest, and the truth is that I think about love a lot.
Anyway, I have Japanese homework. No more procrastinating.