Quest 275
[Private || Hackable by Friends]
It's strange to think that on this very day last year, I still as yet had no idea what was waiting in store for me on the next day to come.
I suppose that's a bit silly, though, since that's just how things work. Unless you're fortunate enough to be in possession of a magic mirror or a particularly reliable crystal ball, there's really no way of knowing in advance what the future will hold--and even in the case of the mirror, it's often more of a sweeping, overarching variety of prediction than it is a specific, firsthand one. It told Daddy he'd be king, but there wasn't any warning about what else was in store for him before he made it there, the troll and the witch and the giant and all. And it told him of Mother, but not the way to find her, or what else was waiting for him along the way before he managed to rescue her. And of course, it's never told me anything about my own future. I never had that chance, in all those years that Alexander was gone. I found Genesta, of course, but that was all.
At this very moment, one year ago today, I had no idea that I was going to lose my best friend overnight.
Maybe it's fitting, in a way, that these last curses we've had leading up to it have been some of the ones he would've hated the most. He never did like it when I was cursed out of my mind--not that I did, either, but at least I never knew it while it was happening, on top of bearing with the aftermath--and I'm certain he would've spent those curses chasing after me, trying to persuade me to listen to him, trying to keep me out of the trouble I couldn't help but hurtle towards. He hated them because I hate them, too, and because he loved me, and that just made it all the worse on top of it. No, there's no doubt he would've hated these ones, and so many of the others on top of it.
I'm sure that if he'd been here now, for the aftermath of these last few curses, he would've been the one who finally drew me out of my moping. He was always so good at that, and always knew just what to say, even if it meant teasing me and prodding me and making me mad to get me out of my mood. He always could find a way to cheer me up again. And I'm sure this time would've been no exception; he wouldn't have let me stay off the Network for days on end. Or if he did, it would've been because he'd locked all the doors in the Warehouse and waited outside my bedroom door and gradually drawn me out with treats and movies and jokes and the promise of Mario Kart. He would've found a way to help me up again. That was one of the best parts of knowing him, that he always had a way of helping me to cheer up when I couldn't find the strength to do it myself.
I've been missing him more than ever lately. But I think, at the same time...is it awful, I wonder, that I think I'm missing him more for myself than for him? That I'm doing it because I've been upset, and it'd be better for me to have him here, not because it'd be better for him to be here with me. It's hard to put into words without sounding horrible. But it's so much easier to miss him when I'm moping myself, and I think that's why I'm missing him as much as I am now. I always want Mother when I'm sick, and now I want Sam because I don't want to get back up all on my own. I suppose that's childish of me, and petulant as well. I'm trying to be better, but I'm not always as good about it as I'd like to be.
But I am getting better. I really am. And I've had a year to learn that I can get by on my own. A year ago today I really do think I would've said I couldn't go on without Sam there with me. But I'd never had to know a City without Sam, not really. He was a part of it from the very beginning. And we were closer than anyone, as close as family would've been. That was just how it was, a constant of things--life in the Warehouse with Sam. No matter what happened, I always had that.
And then a year ago tomorrow, I didn't anymore.
I remember thinking a few months ago that what I really wanted wasn't Sam back, but for him to never have been gone at all. And that turned out to be the truth, really--having him back would make things better again, but it wouldn't unmake the past. What I really wanted was to never know what it felt like to be without him. I've spent a year now, learning how to live with that feeling. An October without him, a Christmas without him, a birthday without him. A whole month of May without him. And tomorrow, I'm going to start on my second year of the same.
Time goes on, and things change. I wonder if this is what it feels like to grow up?
Sam left. Duo did, too. And Blue, and Penny. Rue's gone now, too. Part of me can't help but wonder who might be next, but that's just another way of moping. And it's too easy to mope as it is, after running around acting so ridiculous and fainting all over the place and...
Do you know what I really wanted, Sam? I wanted you to come home with me. I wanted to bring you back to Daventry so you could tease me about Mother's beauty and teach Daddy about the magic of your microwaves and...and so I could never be without you. I wanted that. And I would've let myself believe it, too, even though I knew I couldn't have it. And how much would it have hurt me, a year ago tomorrow, if I'd let myself believe it and then lost you? If I hadn't known all along that you would go back to Mikaela someday? If I hadn't met her for myself and seen how lovely she was, and seen your face when you looked at her, and seen that you could have that here and there, when you could only know me as long as we both were here?
Sometimes I think Cain and I are going to be here forever, you know. Or at least until the day this City falls, in one way or another. But he misses London too much to ever follow me home, and I know you would've been tempted if you'd had the chance. I really do think you might've given up your whole world for my sake, and I've only gotten through a year without you by holding on to the hope that maybe it's just that they needed you more than I did.
They must've been in a great deal of peril, since I needed you quite a bit.
It's funny how these thoughts to myself always seem to turn into letters to you. It's not as though I'm ever going to send them, after all. Or that they'd reach you even if I did.
Maybe it's a good thing, though, that I need you so much. Because now that I don't have you anymore, it's made me learn to need myself more, instead.
I've done better. I've made new friends. None of them have been you, of course, but I can find bits and pieces of you in them. I can keep going on. And I can do better than manage. I have to do better than manage. I can't do anything else.
There's nothing I'd like more than to stay shut up in my room being upset even more than I already have, but I'm going to have to face the Network sooner or later. There's no sense in drawing it out any longer than I have already. I've had my time to mope, and there's nothing to do but move on, and keep moving on.
I wonder if I mean that for the past few days after these curses, or the past twelve months without you.
But I know your world's a safer place now that you're back to watch over it. And that's enough. That can be enough.
Say hello to Mikaela and Bumblebee for me, won't you?
[/Private]
I suppose there really isn't a great deal to be said about the past few curses we've had lately, other than to acknowledge that they were just as ridiculous as they always are, and to be thankful that it all seems to have blown over now. I hope everyone can be as understanding as possible in the aftermath--after all, the hardest curses to forgive really are the ones that need it most. I'm doing my best to be as understanding as I can be, too.
Oh, which reminds me--Sparrow, I'm not certain if it really was a fair trade, a yam and some other things in exchange for your movie, so if you'd like it back, I'll be happy to return it to you. But if it's all the same to you, I'd really rather like to keep it, if I may. I think I'm going to make a day of watching movies tomorrow, and this one looks wonderfully fun.
And, er, I know this is a rather odd question to ask, but it's been on my mind lately, so I thought I'd...well. It couldn't hurt to ask, I suppose, if anyone is willing to indulge me a little. There's...no real reason for my asking, other than that it's just something I'd like to hear:
What is your best friend like, City?
[OOC: So tomorrow marks the anniversary of Sam Witwicky's departure, and therefore one year Rosella's spent without her best friend in the City. Hence the curiosity. Also, my dreams have come true and she's acquired a VHS of Mary Poppins, which she'll be viewing tomorrow along with Sam's old copy of Transformers in memory. Good stuff! Bodice-ripper? What bodice ripper. DENIAL IS NOT JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT. What shenanigans will ensue from this? Only time will tell!]
It's strange to think that on this very day last year, I still as yet had no idea what was waiting in store for me on the next day to come.
I suppose that's a bit silly, though, since that's just how things work. Unless you're fortunate enough to be in possession of a magic mirror or a particularly reliable crystal ball, there's really no way of knowing in advance what the future will hold--and even in the case of the mirror, it's often more of a sweeping, overarching variety of prediction than it is a specific, firsthand one. It told Daddy he'd be king, but there wasn't any warning about what else was in store for him before he made it there, the troll and the witch and the giant and all. And it told him of Mother, but not the way to find her, or what else was waiting for him along the way before he managed to rescue her. And of course, it's never told me anything about my own future. I never had that chance, in all those years that Alexander was gone. I found Genesta, of course, but that was all.
At this very moment, one year ago today, I had no idea that I was going to lose my best friend overnight.
Maybe it's fitting, in a way, that these last curses we've had leading up to it have been some of the ones he would've hated the most. He never did like it when I was cursed out of my mind--not that I did, either, but at least I never knew it while it was happening, on top of bearing with the aftermath--and I'm certain he would've spent those curses chasing after me, trying to persuade me to listen to him, trying to keep me out of the trouble I couldn't help but hurtle towards. He hated them because I hate them, too, and because he loved me, and that just made it all the worse on top of it. No, there's no doubt he would've hated these ones, and so many of the others on top of it.
I'm sure that if he'd been here now, for the aftermath of these last few curses, he would've been the one who finally drew me out of my moping. He was always so good at that, and always knew just what to say, even if it meant teasing me and prodding me and making me mad to get me out of my mood. He always could find a way to cheer me up again. And I'm sure this time would've been no exception; he wouldn't have let me stay off the Network for days on end. Or if he did, it would've been because he'd locked all the doors in the Warehouse and waited outside my bedroom door and gradually drawn me out with treats and movies and jokes and the promise of Mario Kart. He would've found a way to help me up again. That was one of the best parts of knowing him, that he always had a way of helping me to cheer up when I couldn't find the strength to do it myself.
I've been missing him more than ever lately. But I think, at the same time...is it awful, I wonder, that I think I'm missing him more for myself than for him? That I'm doing it because I've been upset, and it'd be better for me to have him here, not because it'd be better for him to be here with me. It's hard to put into words without sounding horrible. But it's so much easier to miss him when I'm moping myself, and I think that's why I'm missing him as much as I am now. I always want Mother when I'm sick, and now I want Sam because I don't want to get back up all on my own. I suppose that's childish of me, and petulant as well. I'm trying to be better, but I'm not always as good about it as I'd like to be.
But I am getting better. I really am. And I've had a year to learn that I can get by on my own. A year ago today I really do think I would've said I couldn't go on without Sam there with me. But I'd never had to know a City without Sam, not really. He was a part of it from the very beginning. And we were closer than anyone, as close as family would've been. That was just how it was, a constant of things--life in the Warehouse with Sam. No matter what happened, I always had that.
And then a year ago tomorrow, I didn't anymore.
I remember thinking a few months ago that what I really wanted wasn't Sam back, but for him to never have been gone at all. And that turned out to be the truth, really--having him back would make things better again, but it wouldn't unmake the past. What I really wanted was to never know what it felt like to be without him. I've spent a year now, learning how to live with that feeling. An October without him, a Christmas without him, a birthday without him. A whole month of May without him. And tomorrow, I'm going to start on my second year of the same.
Time goes on, and things change. I wonder if this is what it feels like to grow up?
Sam left. Duo did, too. And Blue, and Penny. Rue's gone now, too. Part of me can't help but wonder who might be next, but that's just another way of moping. And it's too easy to mope as it is, after running around acting so ridiculous and fainting all over the place and...
Do you know what I really wanted, Sam? I wanted you to come home with me. I wanted to bring you back to Daventry so you could tease me about Mother's beauty and teach Daddy about the magic of your microwaves and...and so I could never be without you. I wanted that. And I would've let myself believe it, too, even though I knew I couldn't have it. And how much would it have hurt me, a year ago tomorrow, if I'd let myself believe it and then lost you? If I hadn't known all along that you would go back to Mikaela someday? If I hadn't met her for myself and seen how lovely she was, and seen your face when you looked at her, and seen that you could have that here and there, when you could only know me as long as we both were here?
Sometimes I think Cain and I are going to be here forever, you know. Or at least until the day this City falls, in one way or another. But he misses London too much to ever follow me home, and I know you would've been tempted if you'd had the chance. I really do think you might've given up your whole world for my sake, and I've only gotten through a year without you by holding on to the hope that maybe it's just that they needed you more than I did.
They must've been in a great deal of peril, since I needed you quite a bit.
It's funny how these thoughts to myself always seem to turn into letters to you. It's not as though I'm ever going to send them, after all. Or that they'd reach you even if I did.
Maybe it's a good thing, though, that I need you so much. Because now that I don't have you anymore, it's made me learn to need myself more, instead.
I've done better. I've made new friends. None of them have been you, of course, but I can find bits and pieces of you in them. I can keep going on. And I can do better than manage. I have to do better than manage. I can't do anything else.
There's nothing I'd like more than to stay shut up in my room being upset even more than I already have, but I'm going to have to face the Network sooner or later. There's no sense in drawing it out any longer than I have already. I've had my time to mope, and there's nothing to do but move on, and keep moving on.
I wonder if I mean that for the past few days after these curses, or the past twelve months without you.
But I know your world's a safer place now that you're back to watch over it. And that's enough. That can be enough.
Say hello to Mikaela and Bumblebee for me, won't you?
[/Private]
I suppose there really isn't a great deal to be said about the past few curses we've had lately, other than to acknowledge that they were just as ridiculous as they always are, and to be thankful that it all seems to have blown over now. I hope everyone can be as understanding as possible in the aftermath--after all, the hardest curses to forgive really are the ones that need it most. I'm doing my best to be as understanding as I can be, too.
Oh, which reminds me--Sparrow, I'm not certain if it really was a fair trade, a yam and some other things in exchange for your movie, so if you'd like it back, I'll be happy to return it to you. But if it's all the same to you, I'd really rather like to keep it, if I may. I think I'm going to make a day of watching movies tomorrow, and this one looks wonderfully fun.
And, er, I know this is a rather odd question to ask, but it's been on my mind lately, so I thought I'd...well. It couldn't hurt to ask, I suppose, if anyone is willing to indulge me a little. There's...no real reason for my asking, other than that it's just something I'd like to hear:
What is your best friend like, City?
[OOC: So tomorrow marks the anniversary of Sam Witwicky's departure, and therefore one year Rosella's spent without her best friend in the City. Hence the curiosity. Also, my dreams have come true and she's acquired a VHS of Mary Poppins, which she'll be viewing tomorrow along with Sam's old copy of Transformers in memory. Good stuff! Bodice-ripper? What bodice ripper. DENIAL IS NOT JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT. What shenanigans will ensue from this? Only time will tell!]