(no subject)
life's been really tough on me lately. the thing is though, i don't know why. for the past three days i've cried for hours on end, and had my biggest breakdown last night. i cried for 4 hours straight, to a point where my tearducts actually hurt when i started to cry. which is why i didn't go to school today. and no i'm not skipping, somethings wrong with me and i can't deal with being around people today. it's another one of those days that i'd drop my pen and probably start crying. i guess maybe i'm a little overwhelmed with school, but i knew it'd be alot of work when i signed on for the classes. i wouldn't miss school for the sole purpose of getting out of classes, that'd be screwing myself over. i know i have a lot of work to makeup in the next week. but i need today.
maybe i'm a little more mad at ben for what he said than i thought. it's ridiculous, we haven't even had auditions yet and already im being told people are sick of seeing me in leads. WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT!?!?!?! he knows of all the problems that i've had with similar issues. why would he drop this next bomb on me? ya know what i worked my ass off for every one of those parts, and it pisses me off that people can't respect my talent, but instead bitch about me behind my back. i wanted soooo bad to not have any problems with anyone this year. and personally i don't, GOD! i made ammends with lindsay for goodness sake. I DON'T WANT DRAMA! i dont have the energy to deal with it anymore. and no, i can't ignore it because when i'm being repremanded for my talent, it hurts. it hurts a whole fucking lot. it's like i can't be proud of myself for accomplishing something.
then on top of it, i'm alone. i don't have that extra support and arms to fall into when i'm crying. i dont have someone to tell me they love me and everything will be alright. yes i have my parents but i need more than that. i'm just having the toughest time finding it. i know a lot of you, who are caring to read this, are shaking your heads at me. why does she always need a guy? why can't she deal on her own? she had something good with brandon, why did she give him up? well i can explain all the questions to you. i could not love brandon. he was a sweet guy, who did everything right, but i felt nothing for him. i could live without seeing him. i'm looking for someone that i can't live without. i was so caught up in simply not being alone i didn't look to see whether he was for me or not. which he wasn't. like i said he was a great guy but there was no spark, no passion when i kissed him, just nothing.
as to why i need a guy, it's true i don't NEED a someone persay but i'm empty. in a way i am in love with love. i love to give myself, my time and energy to another person and have them care about me as much as i do them. this may make me a fool, and an idiot but there's something about a connection between two people who really care for each other. i truly feel that, for the first time after ryan, i can have that with another person. i think i was more attached to ryan than i thought, but it's over and i'm done with pitying myself because of it.
there are my answers, if they dont satisfy you than you dont really care about me. because this is me, that's how i feel and no one can change that. i'm having a really rough time right now and the last thing i need is someone else's critizism. i'm not asking for anyone to set me up, because that has never worked, my best relationship wasn't set up. it was all me. all i ask is that you all, as my friends, support me right now. i don't think that's too much to ask. the rest of my day is full of doing homework and probably watching tristan+isolde, which will give me a good cry. if you wanna talk, u all know the number. i might be online later too. so we'll see. if you took the time to read this, thank you. i really appreciate it.
maybe i'm a little more mad at ben for what he said than i thought. it's ridiculous, we haven't even had auditions yet and already im being told people are sick of seeing me in leads. WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT!?!?!?! he knows of all the problems that i've had with similar issues. why would he drop this next bomb on me? ya know what i worked my ass off for every one of those parts, and it pisses me off that people can't respect my talent, but instead bitch about me behind my back. i wanted soooo bad to not have any problems with anyone this year. and personally i don't, GOD! i made ammends with lindsay for goodness sake. I DON'T WANT DRAMA! i dont have the energy to deal with it anymore. and no, i can't ignore it because when i'm being repremanded for my talent, it hurts. it hurts a whole fucking lot. it's like i can't be proud of myself for accomplishing something.
then on top of it, i'm alone. i don't have that extra support and arms to fall into when i'm crying. i dont have someone to tell me they love me and everything will be alright. yes i have my parents but i need more than that. i'm just having the toughest time finding it. i know a lot of you, who are caring to read this, are shaking your heads at me. why does she always need a guy? why can't she deal on her own? she had something good with brandon, why did she give him up? well i can explain all the questions to you. i could not love brandon. he was a sweet guy, who did everything right, but i felt nothing for him. i could live without seeing him. i'm looking for someone that i can't live without. i was so caught up in simply not being alone i didn't look to see whether he was for me or not. which he wasn't. like i said he was a great guy but there was no spark, no passion when i kissed him, just nothing.
as to why i need a guy, it's true i don't NEED a someone persay but i'm empty. in a way i am in love with love. i love to give myself, my time and energy to another person and have them care about me as much as i do them. this may make me a fool, and an idiot but there's something about a connection between two people who really care for each other. i truly feel that, for the first time after ryan, i can have that with another person. i think i was more attached to ryan than i thought, but it's over and i'm done with pitying myself because of it.
there are my answers, if they dont satisfy you than you dont really care about me. because this is me, that's how i feel and no one can change that. i'm having a really rough time right now and the last thing i need is someone else's critizism. i'm not asking for anyone to set me up, because that has never worked, my best relationship wasn't set up. it was all me. all i ask is that you all, as my friends, support me right now. i don't think that's too much to ask. the rest of my day is full of doing homework and probably watching tristan+isolde, which will give me a good cry. if you wanna talk, u all know the number. i might be online later too. so we'll see. if you took the time to read this, thank you. i really appreciate it.