.::now you find excuses to save your fucking face...
...too bad those pretty eyes cover empty fucking space::.
I don't understand why I'm writing in here, I have nothing to say really. I'm not too home sick anymore..There's not as much at home as I thought. I have my best friend in the universe, but I know we can survive a long distant relationship. There are a few people that I've grown quite attached to other than my lover...But no more than the fingers on my hand. This wasn't supposed to sound like I'm ungrateful for my life back home, for I am. I've just overcome my home sickness, I suppose. But like Alex said to me a few nights ago:
" ya know,its a rare but great thing,when people get along as well as we do..were lucky..at least i think so "
"you just think you know everything, don't you." Hmm. As snappy as it was said to me, it lightened my heart. I have to admit it gave me some hope. But false hope. There are only two things that you can know for sure (with few exceptions): How you feel (there may be mixed emotions, but you know for a fact you're feeling at least one of them) and what people do to you. I know what I feel. However, I think you've fallen into one of those exceptions. Overthinking am I? Of course. I'm too headstrong at times. I have a theory on effort. If you're not willing to put your best in, don't put any effort in at all. I must say its a terrible theory to live by, however I do just the same. Well, I'm putting forth all my effort. I deserve my goal. As much of a quitter that I am, I can't give up on something that I've built to be so great. Eh. If you don't know what you want, why am I trying to figure out what you want? Enough said.
Last night I went out on the patio at 9 and didn't come back in for two hours. As nervous as I am in pitch black in the middle of the wilderness, I must admit I enjoyed my time outside. I fear the unknown, thus I fear the dark. At first I was scared of the various sounds that echoed around me, but after a while I embraced them. It was beautiful. There was lightning in the distance and it made me think. I realized I bit all my nails far down. I guess I was nervous about something, but I wasn't concentrating on what. I have my assumptions. Anyhow. I was tempted to go back in the pool. I don't know why I didn't. Then it started to rain again. It was beautiful. The screen roof broke the droplets of water into hundreds of smaller droplets. It reminded me of a star bursting. So I sat there, fully clothed, in the middle of this thunderstorm. It was romantic. So I held myself. Fuck me and my hopeless romantic bullshit.
I believe it's time to wash my face of this ice cream I ate for breakfast. I need my lover SO bad. How much she means to me<3 I'm glad you're alright Sylvia and we'll talk more when I get home. Maybe tomorrow or possibly Friday.
[if only you knew what i would do for you]
I don't understand why I'm writing in here, I have nothing to say really. I'm not too home sick anymore..There's not as much at home as I thought. I have my best friend in the universe, but I know we can survive a long distant relationship. There are a few people that I've grown quite attached to other than my lover...But no more than the fingers on my hand. This wasn't supposed to sound like I'm ungrateful for my life back home, for I am. I've just overcome my home sickness, I suppose. But like Alex said to me a few nights ago:
" ya know,its a rare but great thing,when people get along as well as we do..were lucky..at least i think so "
"you just think you know everything, don't you." Hmm. As snappy as it was said to me, it lightened my heart. I have to admit it gave me some hope. But false hope. There are only two things that you can know for sure (with few exceptions): How you feel (there may be mixed emotions, but you know for a fact you're feeling at least one of them) and what people do to you. I know what I feel. However, I think you've fallen into one of those exceptions. Overthinking am I? Of course. I'm too headstrong at times. I have a theory on effort. If you're not willing to put your best in, don't put any effort in at all. I must say its a terrible theory to live by, however I do just the same. Well, I'm putting forth all my effort. I deserve my goal. As much of a quitter that I am, I can't give up on something that I've built to be so great. Eh. If you don't know what you want, why am I trying to figure out what you want? Enough said.
Last night I went out on the patio at 9 and didn't come back in for two hours. As nervous as I am in pitch black in the middle of the wilderness, I must admit I enjoyed my time outside. I fear the unknown, thus I fear the dark. At first I was scared of the various sounds that echoed around me, but after a while I embraced them. It was beautiful. There was lightning in the distance and it made me think. I realized I bit all my nails far down. I guess I was nervous about something, but I wasn't concentrating on what. I have my assumptions. Anyhow. I was tempted to go back in the pool. I don't know why I didn't. Then it started to rain again. It was beautiful. The screen roof broke the droplets of water into hundreds of smaller droplets. It reminded me of a star bursting. So I sat there, fully clothed, in the middle of this thunderstorm. It was romantic. So I held myself. Fuck me and my hopeless romantic bullshit.
I believe it's time to wash my face of this ice cream I ate for breakfast. I need my lover SO bad. How much she means to me<3 I'm glad you're alright Sylvia and we'll talk more when I get home. Maybe tomorrow or possibly Friday.
[if only you knew what i would do for you]