Inconceivable

Nov 18, 2011 16:13

Written for therealljidol 8.5 "Inconceivable"

My friends Hope and France are now almost the same age I was then. All of us in similar circumstances. Not the same, but similar. Hope is struggling with depression and feelings of inadequacy. France is in a situation she does not like, but is afraid to act because of what the consequences might bring. Almost a decade ago, so was I.

It is uncanny when I look back, to see just how similar our mindsets were. Each of us not willing to admit that, yes, we deserve better. Each of us, in awe that someone would be willing to reach out and do something to try to make a situation better.

Days after Christmas in 2002, I wrote to a friend, Katie, and shared with her my situation at the time. I told her how depressed I'd felt. How I hadn't felt happy for the better part of a year. I told her about the way another friend, Christina, had been there for me. I was in shock about it. It seems - rereading the email - that I found it unthinkable for someone to take me seriously. To actually do something to help me. I felt so unworthy.

It is strange see pieces of your life - your own mistakes and mindsets - lived out by those around you who you value. France is still hesitant to end something unhealthy for her, because she does not want to "be a jerk" to the person in question. But I wonder if she is accepting unacceptable things because she, too, feels unworthy of something better. I am surer still that Hope cannot feel genuine happiness for others because she immediately turns it into an opportunity to demean herself for not achieving the same things.

I want them to know that there is a way out. I want France - who is like a beautiful country who cannot see her own loveliness - and Hope - with the virtue she was named for lying temporarily dormant - to know what I was told. What helped me then, and continues to help me even now...

Nine years later, I still have the email Katie wrote me in response to my shock and awe that someone would reach out to help me, in my hour of need. I'd like to share it with France and Hope someday.

It reads in part:

12/30/02
How are you doing today? You just caught me, yesterday was my first day home. I'm glad that you know that you can always talk to me, and that whatever you say to me will be kept between you and me.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Christmas Eve, but just remember- the road forward is never a straight one. I think you've come a long way and even thought you found yourself on a turn that day, you're still moving forward. You're in my prayers. I'm praying for your strength and just you in general. I think that it's so easy to get caught up in the moment of things, that you don't get the chance to stop and think about things. You know? It's hard to grasp at the questions you need to ask yourself. Like, is this really helping me to deal with things, does it really make me feel better to do this? Or to think about how you feel afterwards, rather than the false instant gratification...Either way, downfalls included, you are still a wonderful person. You're still you...

Let me know how today is. Don't lose hope.

I have since lost touch with Katie. I am not as close with Christina as I was when she reached out and changed things for me. But their echo remains with me today. I look upon their words and actions for comfort and strength.

It's not impossible that someone to emerge from your own darkness. It's not beyond belief that someone, somewhere, might want to help you.

Don't lose hope.

lj idol

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