You Can Hide It, but You Can't Fight It
I've been battling off a big depression lately. At first I thought I could outwit myself and tried to do-it-myself pep talk and look-on-the-brightside attitude. But all this psychic energy spent on not spending emotional energy has left me even more drained than before.
So much so that I spent my entire weekend in solitude and barely spoke to anyone. Walked around lost in my thoughts trying to understand what it is.
I think I know now what it is. I'm moving to Singapore by mid-year for my job, since we are setting up our regional office base there. I really have no problems with moving or living abroad. While Singapore may not be the most exciting city, I'm comforted by the fact that my whole rowdy and kooky department is moving - and that we actually like each others' company.
The root of the funk is this: I have realized that once I move, I'm not coming back. Once I uproot myself, this is it. It's final. I think I'll be given Permanent Resident status...so I don't need to actually be repatriated by the company should either of us tire of each other after my contract ends.
There's no one to come home to. No family anymore in Manila -- that can't wait to see me. (Just the loony siblings and there is no way I am living with them.)
No family home so once I let go of my apartment, I have no safe place to land. Even in my folk's home in the US, I'm just a visitor. Transient.
Just friends, but friends have their own lives to lead and own destinies to fulfill. After this it will all be coffee dates and dinners and not much more than that.
It's hard to understand, I know. I've been looking forward to experiencing life elsewhere...and my career is going strong. So here it is and no turning back. I'm ready.
I think I've known for quite some time that my life continues outwards from hereon. I've started letting go...but I didn't expect my home letting go of me back to hurt as much. I just know I'll never find it the same way I'll remember it.