self-realization .. of sorts.
Day in and day out I wonder who I am and what I'm here for. Sometimes, I shrug it off... thinking that although it is a big deal and a big question in my life, the same applies for the rest of the world... and that maybe I should just not worry so much about it. In all honesty, I have no clue as to *why* I worry so much about it to begin with. I'm aware that everyone wonders the same thing at some point in time in their lives... but I don't think they wonder about it quite as frequently as I do.
At times, I wonder just *who* I am... not because I don't have a personality, but because it seems I adjust it to fit everyone's needs. To some people I'm one type of person, to others I'm another. This also applies for everyone, but what gets to me is the fact that I'm so willing to change and hide certain aspects of myself to please whoever I need to please at a given moment. It's not they who bother me, it's myself... and the fact that I'm willing to *deny* who I am out of fear I'll be pointed at and laughed at for it.
That is something I have to deal with, hopefully sooner than later, because no one should be ashamed of who they are, so long as they aren't hurting anyone (consciously) by it. I suppose it all goes with the fact that I'm so self-conscious, overly self-judging and over all just ask and expect a lot out of myself... which then brings me to something else I just don't feel like talking about right now.
Now, as far as the purpose of existence goes... well that's something I question from different spectrums. I go from "what are we *all* doing here, and where do we go from here" to "what the hell am I doing here". Existence and life after death is something that has fascinated (and scared us) for pretty much all our lives, and somehow I doubt we'll know what the real deal is for sure any time soon... but I still can't help but wonder. I look at myself, the way I lead life and the way I do things and sometimes ask myself why I go through with certain things or why I feel a certain way for something... sometimes, I actually believe that I was sent here to make a huge difference (which I like to believe we all were sent here to do) but then I shoot myself down by thinking I'm insane... and then I go off on even wilder tangents.
See, I sit down and think, and I notice certain things. For one, I seem to be around people who are a *lot* like me, or in my situation... and that somehow, some way, it all ties in together. I think it's no accident I come across these people... and that it's no accident we're so much alike. Yes, this is possibly nothing new or exciting about the psychology of the human mind, since obviously we're gonna try to be with people who have similar interests or lives.... but, the way I get close to certain people becomes kind of spooky... and somehow I think the fact that I pay so much attention to this shouldn't be shot down by my own inner critics. Just because this may be me just noticing a regular pattern on everyone's lives, I don't think I should just shrug it off and go on with life without looking at it. I like to think we're not just some mistake of nature, or something that just happened. I like to find out why things happen and what their purpose and reasons are... I try to look at every single possibility our scientific minds have come up with, and all of them somehow end up at the same road. Sometimes, I think about things way too hard, and my mind either gets clogged up and confused or it realizes that these things are too much for my puny little human mind to comprehend.
I feel like.. things just can't "be because they are", without any purpose or reason. I think that everything happens *for* a reason, including the people you meet, the people you stay with, the people that make a difference in your life. I feel there's two parts of me, and that one finds this deeply confusing and interesting, and the other one feels it's not as big as the counterpart makes it out to be. While the first part of me thinks there's this big truth out there we've chosen to block out from ourselves, the second part of me doesn't think much of it and sees all of this wonder and questioning as a regular thing that happens to everyone, and doesn't understand why I think so much about it.
Sometimes.. I wish I was one of those people who went through life just.. living it... without questioning it... but soon I realize that's not who I am, and that is a very boring way to lead life.
I've already said how I feel about our ways of life, and how sometimes I think that we've blinded and tied ourselves down... that we're capable of amazing things, but we choose not to go on with them... but that's just me being my idealist self.
In the end, I never come to a definite conclusion, and all I'm left with are feelings I can't explain, since I don't possess the right words to express them... and more questions...
In the end I guess I just can't help being the way I am... going through life constantly questioning... constantly wondering...
maybe one day I'll know.
At times, I wonder just *who* I am... not because I don't have a personality, but because it seems I adjust it to fit everyone's needs. To some people I'm one type of person, to others I'm another. This also applies for everyone, but what gets to me is the fact that I'm so willing to change and hide certain aspects of myself to please whoever I need to please at a given moment. It's not they who bother me, it's myself... and the fact that I'm willing to *deny* who I am out of fear I'll be pointed at and laughed at for it.
That is something I have to deal with, hopefully sooner than later, because no one should be ashamed of who they are, so long as they aren't hurting anyone (consciously) by it. I suppose it all goes with the fact that I'm so self-conscious, overly self-judging and over all just ask and expect a lot out of myself... which then brings me to something else I just don't feel like talking about right now.
Now, as far as the purpose of existence goes... well that's something I question from different spectrums. I go from "what are we *all* doing here, and where do we go from here" to "what the hell am I doing here". Existence and life after death is something that has fascinated (and scared us) for pretty much all our lives, and somehow I doubt we'll know what the real deal is for sure any time soon... but I still can't help but wonder. I look at myself, the way I lead life and the way I do things and sometimes ask myself why I go through with certain things or why I feel a certain way for something... sometimes, I actually believe that I was sent here to make a huge difference (which I like to believe we all were sent here to do) but then I shoot myself down by thinking I'm insane... and then I go off on even wilder tangents.
See, I sit down and think, and I notice certain things. For one, I seem to be around people who are a *lot* like me, or in my situation... and that somehow, some way, it all ties in together. I think it's no accident I come across these people... and that it's no accident we're so much alike. Yes, this is possibly nothing new or exciting about the psychology of the human mind, since obviously we're gonna try to be with people who have similar interests or lives.... but, the way I get close to certain people becomes kind of spooky... and somehow I think the fact that I pay so much attention to this shouldn't be shot down by my own inner critics. Just because this may be me just noticing a regular pattern on everyone's lives, I don't think I should just shrug it off and go on with life without looking at it. I like to think we're not just some mistake of nature, or something that just happened. I like to find out why things happen and what their purpose and reasons are... I try to look at every single possibility our scientific minds have come up with, and all of them somehow end up at the same road. Sometimes, I think about things way too hard, and my mind either gets clogged up and confused or it realizes that these things are too much for my puny little human mind to comprehend.
I feel like.. things just can't "be because they are", without any purpose or reason. I think that everything happens *for* a reason, including the people you meet, the people you stay with, the people that make a difference in your life. I feel there's two parts of me, and that one finds this deeply confusing and interesting, and the other one feels it's not as big as the counterpart makes it out to be. While the first part of me thinks there's this big truth out there we've chosen to block out from ourselves, the second part of me doesn't think much of it and sees all of this wonder and questioning as a regular thing that happens to everyone, and doesn't understand why I think so much about it.
Sometimes.. I wish I was one of those people who went through life just.. living it... without questioning it... but soon I realize that's not who I am, and that is a very boring way to lead life.
I've already said how I feel about our ways of life, and how sometimes I think that we've blinded and tied ourselves down... that we're capable of amazing things, but we choose not to go on with them... but that's just me being my idealist self.
In the end, I never come to a definite conclusion, and all I'm left with are feelings I can't explain, since I don't possess the right words to express them... and more questions...
In the end I guess I just can't help being the way I am... going through life constantly questioning... constantly wondering...
maybe one day I'll know.