j00lay?
It's kind of funny how my mind races as I'm drifting into sleep. My thoughts are much more clear and the words somehow manage to convey far more exact meaning than they do once I wake up. Many nights I've had brilliant thoughts (or what I think are brilliant thoughts at the time at least) to then forget them and only have the vague idea, along with the knowledge that I had just lost something potentially good. Sometimes I wish I could somehow connect my brain to the computer so that I could "type down" all the things I eloquently narrate as unconsciousness ensues... but we don't have such technology yet (at least I'm not aware of it if we do) and it's probably better off that way. There's a slight chance I'm a bit too truthful when I'm hopping realities... but enough about that...
ahem; 269.
now the job is to try to remember all I was thinking of last night -er, morning. Well, needless to say, I'm sure it has to do with the lovely night before. Hmm. Quite the interesting night... but what did I have to say about it? now all I got are... feelings... of what I might have thought about... which is pretty lame because now it's gonna be hard as hell to know what the heck I was telling myself. I was also pretty tired. I actually ended up falling asleep although I was wide awake for about 15-20 minutes after I laid down to rest. I even looked over here but decided against it because I was too tired and it isn't that important. One thing is for sure though, I'm not sure. Sounds funny, but that's basically all I got right now. "I'm not sure"... about anything. These drinking nights always put shit in perspective for me the morning after... and now it's back to reality, because I can't stare at the sky wondering and pondering while I gotta go on with a life. Like, for instance, right now here I am trying to convey all the crap I got inside, but I also gotta get my ass moving and ready because I have to go out with my parents. I'm tired. It doesn't really matter though, because there I will be, with them, doing whatever they need me to do for them and just keeping them company. In a way, it's quite alright. Watching over people and doing things for people, as draining as it may become at times, it's kinda what keeps my confidence going. It's sad, yes, but I'm sure that just the fact that I cleaned up puke last night, when I didn't have to, kind of made me feel less guilty about ... being there. I don't know man. I got some serious attitude adjusting and tweaking to do. I don't really know why I'm always putting myself down, or why I think so little of myself, or why I expect so much from myself. It's like I want to prove myself worthy of ... something... so bad that I just want to do everything great, and since it's never great enough for me, then I'm never happy... and I always just... think of myself as mediocre, just so that when someone tells me "no you're not" I can feel better.... but yet, I still don't believe them. I don't know... even right now I feel conceited at saying how people can deny my lameness to me. I really don't know how it all works inside... I'm still trying to figure it all out... all I know, is that outside of being pretty unsure as to what to do with certain things, I'm just glad I'm okay today.
ahem; 269.
now the job is to try to remember all I was thinking of last night -er, morning. Well, needless to say, I'm sure it has to do with the lovely night before. Hmm. Quite the interesting night... but what did I have to say about it? now all I got are... feelings... of what I might have thought about... which is pretty lame because now it's gonna be hard as hell to know what the heck I was telling myself. I was also pretty tired. I actually ended up falling asleep although I was wide awake for about 15-20 minutes after I laid down to rest. I even looked over here but decided against it because I was too tired and it isn't that important. One thing is for sure though, I'm not sure. Sounds funny, but that's basically all I got right now. "I'm not sure"... about anything. These drinking nights always put shit in perspective for me the morning after... and now it's back to reality, because I can't stare at the sky wondering and pondering while I gotta go on with a life. Like, for instance, right now here I am trying to convey all the crap I got inside, but I also gotta get my ass moving and ready because I have to go out with my parents. I'm tired. It doesn't really matter though, because there I will be, with them, doing whatever they need me to do for them and just keeping them company. In a way, it's quite alright. Watching over people and doing things for people, as draining as it may become at times, it's kinda what keeps my confidence going. It's sad, yes, but I'm sure that just the fact that I cleaned up puke last night, when I didn't have to, kind of made me feel less guilty about ... being there. I don't know man. I got some serious attitude adjusting and tweaking to do. I don't really know why I'm always putting myself down, or why I think so little of myself, or why I expect so much from myself. It's like I want to prove myself worthy of ... something... so bad that I just want to do everything great, and since it's never great enough for me, then I'm never happy... and I always just... think of myself as mediocre, just so that when someone tells me "no you're not" I can feel better.... but yet, I still don't believe them. I don't know... even right now I feel conceited at saying how people can deny my lameness to me. I really don't know how it all works inside... I'm still trying to figure it all out... all I know, is that outside of being pretty unsure as to what to do with certain things, I'm just glad I'm okay today.