cold
i look around me. n all i see is happiness. i see people who are in love with someone who's in love with them. i see people gettin engaged or married. i see people who are loved but arent in love with the other person. i see people who are perfect for eachother. i see people who are stayin with people just bc they dont wanna be alone. i see people who are just to afraid to tell someone else how they feel n take a chance n see if it works. i see it all. i see all the happiness.... n i feel dead. there is no chance for me to feel any of this. there's no happiness in my future. fate will not deal me that card... i'm happy i guess happy is the word i dont really know its a wierd feeling but i'll call it happy that my friends n family r happy. dont get me wrong on that. i dont hate anyone for being happy. i dont feel jealous that they're happy n i'm not. i dont feel really anything anymore. again... i dont know if its just the season. that its the season of death. everything around us is dieing n it's gettin cold n dark. i dont know. or the fact that i know that everything i see will never even be close to me. or that everything i see infront of me now will be gone in a few years. i dunno.... but i feel dead. n i want to cry. dont really know y. i've came to accept this fate. so i dont know y i should cry. i've known this was to come. i only have between 2 n 5 years left b4 i leave. i almost wish it was 2morrow just so i dont have to wait n go through this pain anymore. but that wouldn't be fair to anyone else. n i try n not be selfish bc i'm meaningless. if everyone else around me that has meaning. but o well... i'm coming closer to figuring out who i really am. i'm also coming closer to figuring out parts of the future. i know if i just sit down n meditate alone n ask for help from the LORD then i could see much clearer. it always helped me in the past. but i just really havent had much time or true want to. i kinda dont wanna know. n then the other side really does. but o well. i'm no prophet anyway. i just have feelings n end up with multiple out comes according to different actions.... i wish things were different. i wish it didnt have to be this way. but it does.... 13 days. n i'm 21. yay...
is my purpose almost down?...
is my purpose almost down?...