shut the front door
well I'll start off by saying...I am not happy right now. something is a miss. I can't quite figure out what it is but it sucks none the less. I'm displeased with myself and a few others. some one made it sound as if I was on the verge of cheating on Andrew and that really irritates me. I like andrew soooo much. there isn't anyone else who has my affection. our relationship seems promising and I want it to stay that way. I don't want anyone it taint it with misconceptions and unnecessary concern. and if per say there was reason for concern...that person should confront me on the spot...not wait and "tattle" on me. making the whole situation seem even more sketchy. eh. anyway so on to another topic of frustration my mother I think she is literally insane. seriously. I think the woman is bi polar. it sucks I have no clue how to please her. she hates me one moment and the next it's like she's afraid of losing me. I don't understand and don't know how to relate to her. I wish I could be good enough even if it's momentary. I just want for once to be someone that she enjoys being around. that she doesn't mind doing maternal things for such as just taking care of me when I need it. I'm her daughter right? is that not enough cause in itself to render her affection? I would think so. unfortunately no matter what I am not good enough. fuck. oh well. I might as well get used to being less than worthy in her eyes. so another thing is that one of my closest friends car broke down the other night...I'm concerned about her and her situation I feel bad as if it was almost my fault. for that I am sorry. I feel as if I will never amount to anything. that I'll be stuck in a rut for the rest of my life. that I'm just not worthy of anyone's attention or affection. I don't deserve anything. and yet on the same token I feel like I'm not that bad of a person. it sucks. I'm just really really unhappy. maybe I'm depressed. no one reads my entries anyway so I don't know why I write. it's ok. you aren't obligated to.