the world could be burning dark blue (ii)

[kingdra]

Part I

Break leaves Kyuhyun feeling cold and empty inside. He smiles and laughs with his family and friends, but all he can think about is Jongwoon, and the way he hadn’t told him anything. Like Jongwoon had a secret.

When Kyuhyun comes back to school in the new year, he knows that he wants to go back to the lakeside. He should. Even with the white blanket covering the grass, nothing can keep him and Jongwoon apart. Still, questions float through Kyuhyun’s mind, and sheer curiosity drives him away.

So when he gets back to school, he goes straight for the school records. They have basic information on each student; Kyuhyun’s sure that at least they’ll list what high school Jongwoon had graduated from. He asks the lady at the front desk, and waits patiently as she goes through the files in a large binder.

The lady looks up to him, confusion clouding her face. “There’s no student called Kim Jongwoon here.”

Kyuhyun goes cold all over. “Really?” he says. That can’t be true. Jongwoon had said that he goes here.

The lady nods. Goosepimples decorate Kyuhyun’s arms. “Let me see,” he says, moving around from behind the counter to join her.

She moves the binder over to him. He rifts through the files. There, between Kim Jokwon and Kim Jomin, should be Kim Jongwoon. But no paper separates them.

“Perhaps... Perhaps it was a misplaced file?” says Kyuhyun. “Maybe he’s somewhere in the book, just was put in the wrong place.”

The lady shakes her head. “It’s continuously updated. Double- and triple-checked.” But when she sees the look on Kyuhyun’s face, she softens. “You can look through it, if you like,” she says kindly. “Just don’t count on it.”

Kyuhyun nods and starts leafing through the papers. Pictures and words pass under his eyes, and none of them are of Jongwoon.

***

He’s not there. When Kyuhyun is done, he thanks the office lady and leaves. He wonders why Jongwoon is not there, and his stomach sinks.

He asks the seniors. All the seniors Kyuhyun knows and doesn’t know, he asks each and every one of them if they know a boy named Kim Jongwoon. He asks them if they know of a beautiful boy who likes to stay by the lake as much as he does. He asks them if they know of a boy who means far more to him than he should.

They all say no.

And Kyuhyun stops people in the hallway. Everywhere, Jongwoon is on his mind, on his lips, in the air. Everywhere, Kyuhyun searches for a trace of the fact that Kim Jongwoon exists.

***

“You know,” Kyuhyun says, when he’s at the lake again. “I was looking for you.”

Jongwoon chuckles. “You know I’m always here. I can’t imagine why you’d forget.” He smiles at Kyuhyun.

“Yes,” says Kyuhyun, and leans over and pecks Jongwoon on the lips. But when he pulls back, he feels troubled. “No, I was just... I looked you up in the student roster. And you weren’t there.”

“Oh.” Jongwoon shrugs, seemingly untroubled.

Kyuhyun observes him. “Oh? What, the fact that there’s no record of you actually attending this school doesn’t bother you?”

Jongwoon shakes his head. “No.”

“Why not?”

“It just... doesn’t.” Jongwoon shrugs.

“I care about you, you know,” says Kyuhyun, looking down at him. “And the fact that your name isn’t in the student directory bothers me. And when I asked the other seniors, they said that they had never heard of you before...”

Jongwoon shrugs again. “I’m quiet,” he says with a small smile, casting it at Kyuhyun.

Kyuhyun does his best not to get distracted. “And it doesn’t bug you?” he asks. “At all?”

“It’s always been like this.” Jongwoon curls into him. “Stop worrying, Kyuhyun. The only thing that matters is that you’re here with me.”

***

Somehow, Kyuhyun feels that Jongwoon doesn’t want him to be troubled by any of this at all.

Somehow, he is.

Kyuhyun continues looking. He asks random teachers, random students, searches up Kim Jongwoon on the internet along with the name of their university, and comes up with nothing. He tries again. And again. And again. There must be a mistake. Why is Kim Jongwoon not showing up for anything? Why is it that everywhere he looks, there is no trace of Kim Jongwoon? None at all.

“Look who’s here,” says Sungmin when Kyuhyun is in the library, surfing the internet again. Sungmin glances to the computer screen. “‘Kim Jongwoon.’ Who’s that?”

“None of your business,” Kyuhyun grits through his teeth, and recalls the conversation he and Jongwoon had had not long ago.

Sungmin doesn’t seem too surprised. Donghae, however, speaks.

“We’re sorry, Kyuhyun,” says Donghae, his voice surprisingly quiet from behind him. “I know we haven’t spoken in a while, and the last time we did...” He shifts his weight from foot to foot. “But if you want to spend more time by yourself, we should respect that. And we will. Right, Sungmin?”

Kyuhyun hears Sungmin yelp. “Yes, we do,” Sungmin then says, sounding like he had been rudely prodded.

“So we apologize.” Donghae places a hand on Kyuhyun’s shoulder. “I hope you forgive us.”

Kyuhyun hangs his head down. “Of course I do,” he mutters to himself, all thoughts of Jongwoon still filling his head. “I’m just... trying to do something.”

“Why don’t you let us help you?” offers Donghae.

Kyuhyun considers. He’ll need all the sources he can get. “Sure,” he says, turning around to Sungmin and Donghae. “I’m... trying to find someone, actually.” He points to his computer screen. “Kim Jongwoon, like you said, hyung. I can’t find him anywhere, even though I see him almost every day and he says he goes here.”

Strangely, Sungmin and Donghae do not question anything about Jongwoon. Instead, Sungmin just says, “Is he a freshman?”

Kyuhyun shakes his head. “Senior,” he says. “But I already checked the school records, and he wasn’t there. None of the other seniors know him, either. I’ve been trying to ask everyone I could possibly encounter...”

“We’ll help you,” says Donghae firmly, and Sungmin nods, although looking reluctant.

Kyuhyun smiles tiredly at them. “Thank you. I’ll need it.”

***

So when Kyuhyun is not by the lake, he is looking for traces of Jongwoon. When he is not with Jongwoon, he is searching for more information on Jongwoon.

His two friends help him, but it does not seem to be enough.

“None of my teachers said they know him,” says Donghae.

“Mine neither,” adds Sungmin. “And even Heechul hyung, who knows most of the seniors, thought I had been joking if I asked him if he knew anything about a Kim Jongwoon.”

Kyuhyun gets chills once more, but prevents himself from shivering to not let his friends notice. “That’s great,” he says monotonously, leafing through old school files, in case Jongwoon’s paper had been slipped in there. “Well, we can just keep looking.”

“What did you say his major was?” asks Sungmin.

“Music.”

“Did you ask all the music teachers?”

“No...” Kyuhyun’s eyes suddenly widen. “Should we?”

“I think it’d be a good idea,” says Sungmin.

So after they say good-bye to Donghae, who has class in a few minutes, he and Sungmin walk through campus, making their way to the music wing. They pass teachers and students who Kyuhyun would usually ask, but Kyuhyun is only focused on one thing. Why hadn’t he thought of it earlier? Of course, if Jongwoon was a music major, he would have had at least one of the music teachers.

They go to the first classroom. And then the second. And then down the hall, and then on the second floor, occasionally interrupting classes but not caring at all. With each, “No,” the teacher say, Kyuhyun can feel his heart rise up in his throat. This can’t be it. This can’t be possible. Jongwoon is a music major. At least one of them must know him.

But when they arrive at the last room, where Kyuhyun’s own music theory teacher is, his teacher apologizes and says no, before walking out the door. Kyuhyun sinks into a chair. This can’t be possible.

“It’s not possible,” says Sungmin, echoing his thoughts exactly. He strides to the front of the room, his hands behind his back. “Jongwoon can’t be a music major here.”

“But he said he was!” Kyuhyun insists. “He said that he’s a music major, that he goes here-”

“He can’t be going here, either.” Sungmin looks almost as troubled as Kyuhyun is. “It’s impossible. Everything we checked, they’re all saying the same thing.”

“No!” Kyuhyun nearly tears his hair out, feeling deranged. “They can’t, he said-”

“It doesn’t matter what he said,” interrupts Sungmin. “There’s no evidence. No proof.”

“No-”

“Don’t you see, Kyuhyun?” Sungmin turns around to look at him. “He doesn’t exist. Kim Jongwoon doesn’t exist.”

The words hit Kyuhyun, hard and cold. Sungmin gazes at him with pity.

“He’s only a figment of your imagination.”

***

Kyuhyun does not go back to the lake after this. He does not go back for a week. Briefly, he wonders if Jongwoon is worried about him. If Jongwoon is waiting for him. And then he remembers Sungmin’s words. He’s only a figment of your imagination.

He wants to kill Sungmin for these words, wring his neck for saying this. But reason has always won out for Kyuhyun, and he knows that Sungmin is right. That there is no proof that Jongwoon exists. That there never has been. That whatever Kyuhyun has seen, whatever he knows, it means nothing, absolutely nothing.

He stays holed up in his dorm and does not come out for five days.

On the weekend, he numbly follows Donghae and Sungmin downtown. They tell him that they had found him a doctor. A psychiatrist, they say. Kyuhyun does not know how to react to this. All he knows that his reality is broken, and he does not know if he can live in another one.

He is led into a white, white room. There is a single chair, long, large, intimidating. A man is sitting at a desk next to it, scribbling on a sheet of paper.

Kyuhyun is introduced to this man, his psychiatrist. Sungmin and Donghae bid him good luck, before leaving the room. His psychiatrist instructs him to sit on the large chair, and continues scribbling on his papers as Kyuhyun makes his way over.

When Kyuhyun is settled, the psychiatrist turns to him. He asks about Jongwoon.

“What does he look like?”

“Messy black hair. Black eyes.” Beautiful.

“How tall is he?”

“A little bit shorter than me.” Tall enough.

“What does he like to do?”

“Sing. Occasionally dance. Talk to me.” Kiss. Hug. Fuck.

“Does he know that you exist?”

“Yes.” He knows much more than that.

“Do you tell him everything?”

“Yes.” He is my world.

“How much does he tell you about himself?”

“Enough.” Almost everything. Everything.

“Like?”

“He likes singing. He’d like to become famous. He cares much about animals.” His pains and promises. His weaknesses.

“Are you happy when you are with him?”

“Yes.” Always.

“How often do you see him?”

“Often.” As much as I can.

“Do you see him at a specific time of day, or a place?”

“By the lake of my school, and whenever I’m there, so is he.” Whenever I need him, he’s there.

The psychiatrist tells him that he has schizophrenia and that he’ll need to take pills every day. He hands him a prescription sheet and says that that will be all. Sungmin and Donghae come in at that moment-they must have been waiting in the waiting room-and they pick him up, thank the psychiatrist, and then leave.

They go to the pharmacy and give him pills. They tell Kyuhyun that he has to follow the daily dosage. They tell Kyuhyun that he needs to take the medicine. They tell Kyuhyun that they’re going to try to stop these hallucinations. They tell Kyuhyun that it’s all going to be okay.

***

Jongwoon smiles at him when Kyuhyun walks over to him. “Hey,” he says, walking towards him. “I haven’t seen you for a while.” He stretches out his arm to bring Kyuhyun in for an embrace.

“You’re not real.”

Jongwoon’s smile flickers on his face.

“Excuse me?”

Kyuhyun stares at him. Jongwoon is every little bit of perfection-tousled dark, dark hair, and black, smoky eyes.

“You’re not real,” he says again.

Jongwoon lets out a laugh. It lacks emotion. “That’s funny,” he says. “I’m pretty sure I just heard you say that I wasn’t real.”

“Because you aren’t.”

The seconds tick by. Jongwoon is smiling. A fake, fake smile.

“I am,” he says. “I’m here, aren’t I?”

“You’re a figment of my imagination,” Kyuhyun blurts out. The words ring loudly in the air. “You’re not here. I’m imagining you’re here. You aren’t-”

“Well I’m pretty sure I’m here,” says Jongwoon firmly. “So I am. Where did you get this-”

“That’s not true,” interrupts Kyuhyun. “That’s not possible. You-You can’t be here, because Sungmin and I checked, we checked with all the music teachers, and they said they don’t even know who the hell you are-”

“Who?” Jongwoon chuckles. “I think you may be imagining some things, Kyuhyun, but you’re not imagining me.” He steps closer to Kyuhyun, and places a hand on his arm.

“No!” says Kyuhyun, yanking himself away. Jongwoon’s expression turns stony. “You aren’t-You aren’t real! Everyone says that you don’t exist! Everyone says that they don’t know who you are! Everyone says-Everyone says that I’m imagining you-” His voice goes up several octaves.

“They’re lying,” says Jongwoon firmly. He steps even closer to Kyuhyun. “Please, just don’t even worry about it, I’m sure that if you stay with me, everything will go away-”

“You can’t help me, you don’t exist!” cries Kyuhyun. “You’re not here, I know you’re not here, it wouldn’t make any sense if you were-”

“Then you’re lying to yourself, the same way everyone is lying to you,” states Jongwoon. “I’m here, Kyuhyun. I’m real.”

“No you’re not!”

“I am.” Jongwoon is closer now, his face mere centimeters away from Kyuhyun.

Kyuhyun pulls back. “Stop it! You don’t have any proof!” His voice pierces the air. “All you have is yourself-and that’s hardly enough-”

Jongwoon leans in and presses their lips together. Kyuhyun jumps away immediately.

“See?” says Jongwoon, hurt flashing in his gaze. “Isn’t that proof?”

Kyuhyun stares at him for a few, long moments.

And then he turns and runs.

***

Kyuhyun stares at the sealed medicine bottle resting against the window sill. The moon shines through the glass, illuminating only the white bottle and the lower half of Kyuhyun’s face. The night is old, the twinkling stars wrinkles on the sky’s black face.

It’s impossible for him to sleep. His nightmares haunt him, and his dreams are gone. And he doesn’t know what to think. What to believe. What to do.

The next days, he goes to classes instead of skipping. His teachers say nothing, and the students all cast him with weary looks. Somehow, Kyuhyun is briefly paranoid that they know about Jongwoon. But they do not. Only Sungmin and Donghae and his psychiatrist know. Only he knows.

“You look horrible,” says Sungmin when he sits across from Kyuhyun at lunch, his eyes scanning Kyuhyun’s pale face and hollowed cheeks. His red eyes and the dark circles beneath them.

Kyuhyun nods and eats his tasteless food. His throat is dry, hungry.

***

“Hi,” says Jongwoon as Kyuhyun approaches him. His eyes flicker over to the bottle of pills in Kyuhyun’s hand.

“Hi,” says Kyuhyun, smiling. He walks over to him.

Jongwoon continues staring at the bottle. “What’s that?” he asks, pointing as if the pills are something dangerous for the both of them, dangerous to him.

“Oh, this?” Kyuhyun holds up his bottle. “It’s nothing.” He puts an arm around Jongwoon’s waist and brings him in, kissing his lips sweetly.

Jongwoon kisses him back. When they pull apart, panting slightly, he glances down at the bottle, still in Kyuhyun’s free hand.

“Why don’t you put that down?” he suggests, indicating a spot on the ground, down near his foot and at the edge of the lake. “It’ll get in the way.”

Kyuhyun chuckles. “I think it’ll be fine,” he says, and leans in to kiss Jongwoon again, curling his fingers around the white bottle and bringing it close to his chest.

***

The bottle has two less pills one day later. Kyuhyun finds himself falling into a dreamless sleep at nights, and wakes up, feeling refreshed and clean.

Sungmin and Donghae are glad. They notice his improvements almost immediately. They pat him on the back and congratulate him, saying that he’s looking better and better every day. That he’s looking happier.

Kyuhyun goes to classes. He completes all his schoolwork with his best effort, participates in class, and charms the teachers. He makes new friends, reconciles with old ones, and talks to everyone he meets. He smiles. He laughs.

The lake is still, cold and frozen.

(“I’ve always really liked lakes. They’re very peaceful.”)

***

A week later, when Kyuhyun goes to the lake again, he sees Jongwoon waiting for him, like always. Jongwoon seems to know already when Kyuhyun comes up to him. There’s a cool fire in his gaze.

“What do you think you’re doing?” he says as soon as Kyuhyun is close enough for him to touch. “I thought you believed in me!”

“You never told me,” says Kyuhyun. “Where you come from.”

“It’s not important!” Jongwoon gets even closer to him. “Do you really hate me that much? Do you really want me to leave?”

“I don’t hate you,” says Kyuhyun. “But I want you to answer my question. Where are you from?”

“I thought you already knew,” says Jongwoon in a mocking voice. “And I don’t see how it’s important at all, when you’re convinced that you can get rid of me-”

“Where are you from?”

“You think that I’ll disappear? You think that I’ll go away? You think that I’ll leave you alone? I’ve become a part of you, Kyuhyun, and there’s nothing you can do about it-”

***

Kyuhyun takes his pills faithfully. He hasn’t felt better in months. He rings up his mother and hangs out with his friends. He does his homework and helps his classmates.

He thinks about Jongwoon.

“How are you sleeping?” asks Sungmin when they walk through the hallway. Beside them, Donghae is talking to his girlfriend, consciously glancing at Sungmin and Kyuhyun every now and then.

Kyuhyun shrugs. “Better,” he answers. “No dreams. Or nightmares.”

Sungmin’s lips quirk. “You never told me you had nightmares.”

“Oh, they’re nothing.” Kyuhyun waves his hand. “They used to bother me before-but now they’re just completely gone.”

Sungmin’s mouth stretches into a full out grin. “That’s good!” he says. “That means that the pills are being more effective, if your dreams had affected your hallucinations-did they?”

“I don’t know.” Kyuhyun shrugs. “They’ve always been really vague. Nothing too scary or anything, but.” He chews on his lower lip. “Well, I’ve always thought that they were nightmares, anyways.”

“Well they’re going away now, and that’s good.” Sungmin smiles at him. “And you’re looking a lot healthier nowadays, Kyuhyun. Not as tired. Not as skinny.”

“He’s been gaining weight, I’ve noticed that,” Donghae chimes in.

Kyuhyun laughs and hits them both upside the head. “Shut up, you idiots.”

(“I’m not by myself. I’m with you.”)

***

Jongwoon is angry. Kyuhyun can practically see the heat radiating off of him when he approaches him again. Jongwoon turns around and faces him, his translucent fists clenched.

“You’re definitely trying to get rid of me,” he seethes. “What, I wasn’t good enough for you?”

“It’s not that-”

“I just couldn’t make you happy enough, huh? All this time, your whole life, you’ve always wanted to stop being alone and then when I finally come-you push me away and say you don’t want any more of me.”

“I never said that-”

“You don’t need to say it, I know you just want to make me go away. You want to stop thinking about me.” Jongwoon’s laugh is cold, humorless. “Well you can’t let me go, Kyuhyun, because I’ll always be inside of you, somewhere in there, you’ll never forget me-”

“I-”

“I’ll never leave you,” Jongwoon whispers.

***

“This is good! You’ve taken nearly all of the pills every day since I first assigned this to you,” says the psychiatrist, looking into the bottle. “Though... there are an extra three. Why is that?” he inquires, looking up at Kyuhyun.

“I wasn’t sure the first day,” Kyuhyun admits. “I wanted to see if my hallucinations would go away by themselves.”

The psychiatrist nods. “That’s all right,” he says. “Just experimenting, right? I think that was very smart of you.”

Kyuhyun gives him a little smile. “Thank you.”

“And...” The psychiatrist hands him back his pills, and then looks down to his clipboard where all his notes are. “How are you feeling? Better? Worse?”

“Better, definitely,” replies Kyuhyun. “Fresher, too.”

“Good.” His psychiatrist nods and makes a note on his clipboard. “And the hallucinations?”

“They’re becoming weaker,” says Kyuhyun. “I can still see them every now and then-but I’m getting control of myself and make myself avoid them. And even when I do see them, they’re not as strong anymore.”

“That’s very good,” says his psychiatrist, jotting down something else. He glances up to Kyuhyun and smiles. “I think you’re improving, Kyuhyun. Keep up the good work.”

“I will.”

Kyuhyun walks out of the office, Jongwoon still contained inside his heart.

(“You have to learn the idea behind things before you can actually do them.”)

***

Jongwoon is slowly fading away, like a memory long forgotten. He’s weaker, thinner-but Kyuhyun can still see him and Jongwoon is furious.

“Don’t try to hide it from me,” he snaps when Kyuhyun walks up to him.

Kyuhyun shakes his head and slips his hands into his jacket. “I wasn’t trying to.”

Jongwoon sneers at him. “I’m really just that horrible to you, aren’t I? Just a nuisance. Didn’t try to help you at all.”

Kyuhyun sighs impatiently. “It’s not that I’m not grateful for you, it’s that you don’t actually exist-”

“You don’t have proof of that.”

“I don’t have proof that you do,” says Kyuhyun. “And neither do you. No matter what you say-or do-” and his heart skips a beat “-none of it is enough.”

“You love me!” Jongwoon shrieks. The birds above them remain in their nests. “You loved me, you wanted me, you fucked me-and now you’re throwing it all away because it doesn’t make any sense? Because you’d much rather be blissfully alone than being with someone else? Because that’s such a horrible fate-”

“I don’t love you,” lies Kyuhyun. “I never did. How could I fall in love with something that isn’t real?”

“But you don’t even know that I’m not real? Like you said, there is no proof.” Jongwoon’s laugh is dry. “You don’t want me because you don’t believe in me. You’d rather be alone.”

He looks at Kyuhyun. His eyes are hurt and wet. Kyuhyun feels his stomach leap, and he grips on the white bottle inside of his jacket.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

***

Kyuhyun looks at the pills on his bedside table. He is sick of them. He is sick of everything. He is sick of this feeling of happiness, of healthiness, of freshness. He is sick of his school.

He is sick of his professors, teachers, classmates. He is sick of his friends and family. He is sick of all the faces he’s seen, all the people he’s met, everything he’s laid his eyes upon in this world.

Kyuhyun is sick of being alone, and of not being alone; he is sick of the darkness and the light. He’s sick of the way he smiles and laughs, and the way his heart breaks and his eyes water. He’s sick of this place and this time, and he is sick of this life.

He is sick of the lake. He is sick of himself. And he is sick of Jongwoon.

His hand closes around the lid of the bottle, and his fingers work for him, trying to make everything disappear.

(“You think that I’ll disappear? You think that I’ll go away? You think that I’ll leave you alone? I’ve become a part of you, Kyuhyun, and there’s nothing you can do about it-”)

***

“Hey,” says Sungmin, poking Kyuhyun in the side. “Are you okay? You seem sort of out of it lately.”

“What? No, I’m fine!” Kyuhyun laughs, like it’s the most natural thing in the world. “I’m perfectly okay!”

“Are you sure?” Sungmin gazes into Kyuhyun’s face, clearly concerned. “Have you been taking your medication every day?”

“Of course!” Kyuhyun has, he really has. He takes as much as he can. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“No,” says Donghae, joining them at breakfast. “You really have been a little off for the past few days, Kyuhyun.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, hyung.” Kyuhyun digs into his meal. “Hey, this cake is good. Don’t you think it’s good?”

“It’s great,” says Sungmin dismissively, leaning over and putting a hand on Kyuhyun’s arm. “Really, Kyuhyun, you don’t have to lie to us, if you’re not taking the pills, just tell us-”

“I have been!” Kyuhyun shouts. He forces a smile. “Don’t worry about me hyung,” he says, his eyes hidden beneath a wall of glass.

(“Please, just don’t even worry about it, I’m sure that if you stay with me, everything will go away-”)

***

Kyuhyun takes a deep breath. He is alone by the lake now. The sun is shining high in the air, almost grey behind the clouds. Kyuhyun likes to think that it is mocking him.

The bottle is clutched tightly in his hand. The bottle, which had been his lifeline for the past several weeks. The bottle that determines everything. The bottle that does absolutely nothing.

Kyuhyun is alone now. He has always been alone.

The water is deep. Up to his waist. Kyuhyun keeps walking, surrounding himself with the mass of blue, not letting himself shiver, not letting himself stop, not letting himself think. He keeps walking and walking, until all he can see is blue. Until all he will ever see is blue.

The waves crash above him, but he hears nothing except for the silence.