the world could be burning dark blue (i)
Summary: Kyuhyun dreams, he dreams of someone wanting him, waiting for him. And then he meets Jongwoon.
Char/Pair: Kyuhyun/Yesung
Genre: romance/slash, heavy angst, drama, (+ smut), au
Rating: R
Warnings: prescribed drug abuse, character death, schizophrenia
A/N: for kpop_bigbang. Thanks to my list for voting what pairing (I was gonna do Minwook but bailed when I realized it wouldn't really reach the word count... I think). Thanks to my cheerleaders, too \o/
Kyuhyun is staring into the darkness when he wakes up. He blinks, once, twice, but nothing changes.
“Hello?” he calls out.
His voice echoes into the bleak distance, and then dies out. Kyuhyun wonders if there’s a wall there: a wall to keep the sound from escaping. This is, after all, what walls do. But when he feels around, he feels nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
“Hello?” he calls again.
Then something grabs him from behind, around his middle. He doesn’t know what it is-he tries to cry out, but his voice is stuck in his throat. Then suddenly he’s being pulled back, farther and farther back, and the darkness is swimming in front of his eyes before everything falls away.
***
“Kyuhyun! Kyuhyun, are you all right?”
Kyuhyun opens his eyes and blinks. He’s outside, sitting by the lake, as usual. Sungmin is staring down at him, looking worried.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he murmurs, propping up on an elbow and feeling his head. “I just sort of... I dunno. What happened?”
“You just fell asleep!” exclaims Sungmin. “I don’t know why-are you okay?” He tilts his head to the side and observes Kyuhyun, like there’s something unreadable in his eyes.
Kyuhyun just shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair. “I’m fine. Must have blacked out for a second, or something.”
“Well yeah, I figured that,” says Sungmin. “Do you-Do you know why?”
Kyuhyun shrugs. “No. I’m probably sick, or something.” He chuckles at Sungmin’s worried face. “Let’s just go to class.”
Sungmin relaxes. “All right. Though you still look pale.” The worried expression passes across Sungmin’s face again, but it quickly disappears and he shrugs.
“I’m fine, really, hyung.” Kyuhyun moves away and adjusts himself. “If I wasn’t, would I be able to do this?” And rather relentlessly, he punches Sungmin’s left shoulder.
“Ow!” says Sungmin, clutching his shoulder. “That hurt!”
“See?” Kyuhyun smirks. “Perfectly fine.”
***
Kyuhyun dreams. He dreams that there’s a man there, that there’s a man who is waiting for him. Kyuhyun wonders who the man is, and he drifts across the floor to see him.
“Hi,” he says. “I’m Kyuhyun. Who are you?”
The man shimmers-Kyuhyun imagines he can see a smile-but there is nothing but the soft light radiating from his face. Kyuhyun cocks his head to the side and observes the man-perhaps he hadn’t heard him.
“Who are you?” he asks a bit louder this time.
His voice reverberates against the dark walls, and the light beneath the other man’s feet slowly starts to fade. Kyuhyun watches with wide eyes as the man starts to leave him... there’s something about the man that draws him to him... something that lets him know that he’s not alone...
“Wait!” he cries. “Where are you going? I don’t even know who you are!”
The man shimmers again, but dims and then disappears. Then there’s nothing left except for the darkness.
***
Kyuhyun is by the lake, his favorite spot on campus, when he hears a rustling behind him. Startled, he looks around-the bush leaves bustle, and then a young man appears from behind the nearby tree.
Kyuhyun watches him for a moment, but the young man merely smiles at him before settling down on the grass next to him. Kyuhyun doesn’t know what to feel. What to say. He feels like he knows the man, has seen him before, in perhaps a dream or another lifetime-but memories do not come to him.
They sit there and watch the water go by. This is Kyuhyun’s favorite spot on campus because it is the only place that reminds him that this is his new home. That this is not just a university, an institute, another place where people come and go. But that this is a part of nature, or at least, a part of his own nature.
Kyuhyun is surprised when the young man next to him speaks. He has not forgotten, however, that the man is there.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” says the man, leaning back on the grass and gazing to the area in front of them.
Kyuhyun glances at him again, and decides not to answer his question. Instead, he says, “Who are you?” The words feel too familiar on his tongue.
The man turns to him. His eyes are bright, innocent. “My name’s Jongwoon,” he says. “You?”
“Kyuhyun,” says Kyuhyun. And, because he knows how to be polite, he adds, “I’m a freshman here.”
“Really? I’m a senior,” says Jongwoon.
Kyuhyun’s a bit surprised. He thinks Jongwoon would be a freshman, or even just a visiting high school student. Jongwoon looks pure, youthful. Kyuhyun has never seen him around before.
“You go to this school?” He indicates the main building a little ways behind them.
Jongwoon smiles. It’s sincere. “Of course,” he says. “And I’m assuming you do, too.” His tone is light, teasing.
Kyuhyun can’t help but smile back. “Of course,” he echoes.
***
Kyuhyun does not tell Donghae and Sungmin about Jongwoon. He likes his friends: they’re nice and funny; why else would they be his friends? But there is something about Jongwoon that draws him. Something about Jongwoon that he makes him not want to share him. So he does not.
“Where were you?” Donghae inquires when Kyuhyun walks into the dining hall for dinner. Jongwoon had told Kyuhyun that he was going back to his dorm; he didn’t like social junctures, you see. Kyuhyun had understood. He would have said he did even if he didn’t, anyways.
“The lake,” says Kyuhyun. “You know how much I like it.”
“A little bit too much,” chides Sungmin. “Really, Kyuhyun-ah, one of these days you’re going to say that you went to the lake when really you have a secret girlfriend you’re hiding from us!”
“You’re hiding your girlfriend from us?” Donghae’s eyes go wide.
Kyuhyun rolls his eyes. “Of course not, hyung,” he says, picking up his chopsticks. He goes for his rice. “And if I had a girlfriend, you two would be the first people I’d tell.” Jongwoon hyung isn’t a girlfriend, though. So Kyuhyun is true to his part.
“I’m flattered,” says Sungmin dryly, although Donghae looks much more cheerful than him. “But that’s not saying much, seeing as apparently you haven’t dated since high school.”
“I’m not interested in anyone around here,” replies Kyuhyun.
“What? No one here smart enough for you?”
“No, just that all the girls here are too stupid for me.”
“Even the seniors?” Donghae raises an eyebrow.
Instinctively, Kyuhyun thinks of Jongwoon. He doesn’t say anything.
***
Kyuhyun meets Jongwoon by the lake again. He hadn’t known that Jongwoon was there-one moment, he’s sitting by himself, and the next, he feels a significant presence settling down beside him.
“Hi,” greets Jongwoon, with that small smile of his. His eyes crinkle at the sides, making Jongwoon shimmer a little brighter.
Kyuhyun is bewildered. “Hi,” he says, and moves over on the grass to make room for him. “You really like the lake as much as I do?”
“Yeah,” breathes Jongwoon. “I’ve always really liked lakes. They’re very peaceful.”
“They are,” agrees Kyuhyun.
They sit there in silence. Kyuhyun is watching Jongwoon in his peripheral vision, and notices that Jongwoon seems very pale, almost transparent. He wants to reach over and touch him to make sure he’s there. So he does.
His skin heats up as soon as his hand touches Jongwoon’s, and his neck flushes. Jongwoon turns to him and looks amused, smiling at Kyuhyun’s fingertips lingering on his arms.
“Yes?” he says.
Kyuhyun’s breath is taken away by the way Jongwoon seems to be looking right into him. “Nothing,” he says.
***
“You will be writing an analysis paper,” says his professor, “on the positive and negative aspects of harmony and dictation.”
There is a collective groan throughout the classroom. The professor taps his glasses sternly. Kyuhyun feels like he is about to fall asleep.
“No complaints. You will write your paper, and hand them in to me three weeks from now.” His professor peers over at each of the students. “Five pages. Double spaced.”
Kyuhyun’s eyes glaze over, and he thinks to the day previous when he had been with Jongwoon by the lake. They had been talking about their subjects and classes, and Jongwoon had said that he had taken music theory when he was a freshman. Kyuhyun smiles to himself. Jongwoon had also said that he was a music major. Kyuhyun wonders what Jongwoon’s singing voice sounds like.
He jerks out of his reverie when his professor’s voice goes up a notch. “And no cheating, either!”
***
“I hate school,” says Kyuhyun, flopping onto the grass. As expected, Jongwoon had been sitting there, waiting for him. He smiles, turning his gaze away from the lake to look at Kyuhyun.
“I think everyone’s hated school at one point in their lives,” says Jongwoon, chuckling. “Why do you say so, though?” He picks at the grass beneath him. The grass strands don’t give way.
“I have an analysis paper. It’s annoying.” Kyuhyun rolls his eyes and tugs at the grass himself. They uproot easily.
Jongwoon remains amused. “Analysis essays aren’t that hard. You just have to really look into things. Like music.” He grins at Kyuhyun. “And you like looking into music, right?”
“I like singing.” Kyuhyun shrugs. “And playing piano. Music theory is sort of pointless for me, though.”
“You have to learn the idea behind things before you can actually do them,” says Jongwoon.
Kyuhyun chuckles. “Sounds like a sort of thing a teacher would say.” He chews on his bottom lip thoughtfully. “Hey, where did you go to high school?”
“High school?”
“Yeah. You know, before college.” Kyuhyun’s lips twitch at his own joke.
But Jongwoon doesn’t look at him. “Oh, around here,” he says ambiguously, sounding very much like he’s lying.
“Around where?” asks Kyuhyun curiously.
“Here.”
Jongwoon’s voice is oddly defiant, firm.
Kyuhyun finds the words on his tongue to question further, but he doesn’t. He gazes out into the lake again, and thinks about the things he misses.
***
When Kyuhyun falls asleep, he likes to dream. He usually doesn’t, but dreams are those fleeting things that you see maybe just a little part of, and you never see the whole and you can never remember them when they’re done, but you know that they’re there and they’ve existed.
When he dreams, he sees someone. Someone who is there. He’s familiar with him-this person has been haunting him lately-but he never knows who he is, can never remember who he is, and sometimes Kyuhyun wonders if he’s just making him up.
“Hello?” he calls out to the man. He knows the man can hear him-the man chuckles. But the man does not respond, and Kyuhyun clenches his jaw in agitation.
“I know you’re there!” he shouts again. “Who are you?” He wants to know who the man is-even if he does not know by subconscious, if only, if only he catches a glimpse, if only he gets a hint-
The man moves to the side, and Kyuhyun’s insides jump up and down in excitement. He can see the man’s profile-a small, round nose and full, thick lips.
“Hello!” he says once more. “Can you please-I-“
The man turns his head, and Kyuhyun can see even more of his face. Eagerly, he tries to step forward; but, as usual, he finds it impossible to move even closer to the man.
“I’m Kyuhyun,” he tries, stretching out his arm-his hand seems miles away from the man. “And-you are-?”
The man faces him.
**
Kyuhyun’s eyes shoot open and he’s sweating. He doesn’t know why-all he knows is that he had been dreaming, and suddenly, he’s awake.
Kyuhyun ruffles his blankets and rolls over, and promptly falls back asleep.
When he wakes up the next morning, he does not recall the man’s face, nor his dream at all.
***
“You said you were a music major,” says Jongwoon. They’re sitting at the lakeside again, and Kyuhyun suddenly feels restless, like he wants to run around. He doesn’t, though. He knows that Jongwoon wouldn’t join him-and he’ll only do anything if Jongwoon will be with him.
Kyuhyun nods and smiles at him. “Yeah,” he says. “You are too. How’s senior year going?”
Jongwoon shrugs. “All right. I sort of wish I was a freshman again.” He chuckles.
“What, for the easier work?” teases Kyuhyun.
“Because then I’ll be with you,” says Jongwoon. It isn’t a reply that Kyuhyun had expected, and apparently Jongwoon hadn’t expected for him to say this himself by the way his cheeks turn pink. Neither of them address the issue, though.
“Can you sing for me?” asks Kyuhyun suddenly. He’s been wondering what Jongwoon sounds like for a while now. He must be lovely.
Jongwoon lifts a corner of his mouth. “Sure,” he replies softly. Then he sings a few notes. They’re not very loud, nor are they anything extremely special-but to Kyuhyun, they sound like the world.
“Thank you,” he whispers, when Jongwoon is done.
Jongwoon turns to him gracefully. “I haven’t sang anything in a while,” he admits. “It feels like a long time, anyways.”
“Does it?” says Kyuhyun. And then, “I don’t think I’ve seen you before the day we first met.”
“I can’t remember anything before the day we met,” says Jongwoon, shrugging. For some reason, he doesn’t look too perturbed by this. Kyuhyun thinks that he should. Kyuhyun thinks that he should be worried by Jongwoon’s words. But strangely, he doesn’t.
So they fall into the silence again.
***
There’s something addicting about Jongwoon’s presence. Something about the way that Jongwoon smiles at him, and Kyuhyun can feel an onslaught of emotion coming onto him. Something about the way Jongwoon speaks, and Kyuhyun sees colors of varying hues, not at all like calculated numbers but mere lighter treasures. Something how Kyuhyun feels he can trust Jongwoon more than anything else in the world.
They’re by the lake again. Kyuhyun finds himself by the lake almost every hour of the day-he wakes up early and arrives there, just to see Jongwoon waiting for him. He skips his morning classes to stay there with him, and when Jongwoon urges him to leave for at least lunch, he darts into the cafeteria for thirty seconds and grabs a piece of bread before hurrying back to Jongwoon. They spend their afternoon and evenings there, and soon enough Kyuhyun is staying so long that when he forgets to sleep, he forgets to dream.
He often wonders why Jongwoon stays with him. Why Jongwoon is always with him. Why Jongwoon never sleeps, never eats, never goes to classes. But a part of Kyuhyun is afraid that if he asks, Jongwoon will take it the wrong way and leave. So Kyuhyun doesn’t say anything.
They do not always speak, but they are always there. Kyuhyun sits a little too closely to Jongwoon, smiles a little too much-but Jongwoon never seems to mind.
“How’s that paper coming?” asks Jongwoon.
Kyuhyun shrugs. “I don’t know. I haven’t started it yet.”
Jongwoon laughs. It is the sound of every song he’s sung. “You better start it soon,” he says. “Wouldn’t want you to have a bad grade, do we?”
“I’m not going to get a bad grade,” Kyuhyun scoffs. “I can bullshit a paper and get a ninety-five. No effort at all.”
“That’s bad,” teases Jongwoon. “You really shouldn’t make that a practice.”
“The same way we shouldn’t make sitting here and doing nothing a practice,” says Kyuhyun. “It’s like a waste of time. But we’re doing it, anyways, aren’t we?”
Jongwoon glances to Kyuhyun. “You think this is a waste of time?”
“Well no,” says Kyuhyun hastily. “It’s just that-well, we really are doing nothing, aren’t we?”
“That doesn’t mean there’s anything time-wasting about it,” says Jongwoon.
Kyuhyun turns to him. The light in Jongwoon’s eyes is innocent, defiant.
“No,” says Kyuhyun quietly. “I suppose not.”
***
When Donghae and Sungmin come up to him in the hallway, Kyuhyun is faintly surprised to see that they are out of breath and pink-faced. They don’t look as lovely as Jongwoon when he blushes.
“Kyuhyun!” Sungmin exclaims.
Kyuhyun stares at him. “Hi, hyung,” he says, confusion laced lightly in his voice.
“We haven’t seen you for ages!” says Donghae. “It seems like you’re always trying to get away from us-this is the only time we’ve caught you-“
“That’s because I had to come in to turn in my paper,” explains Kyuhyun.
Donghae and Sungmin look fairly hurt. Kyuhyun allows his mind to briefly wonder why.
“You’re always spending time by the lake,” says Sungmin. “Not even making room for your friends.” Yes, there’s no doubt that there’s hurt in his voice.
“Well so?” says Kyuhyun defensively. “I like the lake-it’s calm and silent, unlike you two.” And it has Jongwoon, who is calm as silent as the surface of the water.
“But you won’t even hang out with your friends?” says Donghae. “Us? It’s all right if you want to get away for a little while, Kyuhyun-but now there’s not even anything you want to get away from.”
“This is exactly what I’m talking about!” says Kyuhyun frustratedly, throwing his hands up in the air. “You! Everyone! I want to get away from everyone, all right! I don’t even need you!”
He storms away, leaving his two friends staring behind him.
***
Kyuhyun nearly tears his hair out when he arrives by the lake. Jongwoon is already sitting there, his hands around his knees. He looks worried when he sees Kyuhyun.
“What’s wrong?” he says immediately, as Kyuhyun flings himself onto the grass beside him.
“My friends!” Kyuhyun spits. “If they can even call themselves that! Even though I’m hardly spending time with them, that doesn’t give them the right to claim that I’m hurting them! And,” he adds, his anger building up, “they’re always a bother anyways! Gossiping, talking, never shutting up-there’s a reason why I don’t want to be around them, and that’s because they’re never quiet!”
“I hope I don’t bother you,” Jongwoon murmurs when Kyuhyun is done.
Kyuhyun snaps to him, and rapidly shakes his head.
“You don’t, hyung,” he says. “You-You never do, really. You’re the reason why I don’t hang out with them as much-because you know what I like and what I want, and it’s much better having you around than anyone else, or being by myself.” He smiles. “You’re perfect.”
“If you think so, I’ll never leave you,” says Jongwoon, staring down.
Kyuhyun smiles even more. “I’d like that,” he says.
Jongwoon’s cheeks turn red, but he says no more.
***
Kyuhyun goes out of his way to avoid his friends-not like he really needs to try anymore. With his frequent meetings with Jongwoon, it’s not like he runs into people anymore-people are only people to him, and when he says hello, he never means it, and when he speaks, he’s barely aware of the words that are coming out of his mouth.
A month passes, but it feels like a decade. When Kyuhyun looks to his side, Jongwoon is sitting next to him, with a small smile on his face, and his black hair flying in the breeze.
***
Kyuhyun is dreaming again. His dreams are all imagination, he knows-but he can’t help but feel that there’s something significant about them. Something real. Something that lasts much longer than a mere thought.
In the depths of his mind, he can see a man. A man who is waiting, watching him. A man who knows him and feels him, a man who is always there with him. A man who has been called, a man who answers, a man who smiles and laughs at everything he says. A man who understands him.
A man who does not exist.
***
Kyuhyun smiles a little when Jongwoon moves closer to him. He does not know why; Jongwoon is only cold, for autumn is slowly getting cooler as the day passes. But knowing that Jongwoon is coming to him for warmth, for comfort, is enough to fill Kyuhyun’s joy.
“Cold?” he says, looking down at Jongwoon who is now tucked in next to his shoulder.
Jongwoon glances up to him. His cheeks flush beautifully. “Not really,” he says. “But-it’s nice being here, next to you.” He smiles a little as well.
Affection blooms inside of Kyuhyun, and he’s aware of the heat and the friction between their bodies. “I think so too,” he responds, and leans back a little against Jongwoon, and is pleased when Jongwoon does not move away.
A moment passes between them. Kyuhyun lets out a small sigh. “I haven’t really had anyone get this close to me lately,” he confesses. “Or at all, really. It’s sort of-I’ve never really had anyone.”
“Well you have me,” says Jongwoon cheekily. “And there’s nothing wrong with that, right?”
Kyuhyun laughs. “Of course. There’s nothing wrong with having you around, hyung.”
“I didn’t think there was.” Jongwoon is still gazing at him. There’s something in his eyes that Kyuhyun can’t quite read, but he lets it go. The glow on Jongwoon’s face is impenetrable.
***
“I don’t want to grow old,” Kyuhyun murmurs into Jongwoon’s hair, pulling him closer to his side. He sees a smile flit across Jongwoon’s face; he smiles a little, himself.
“Neither do I,” Jongwoon whispers back. “But if we want to, we don’t have to, you know.”
“We have to grow old,” says Kyuhyun. He’s still smiling, even though he doesn’t know what’s humorous about the words that are coming out of his mouth. “It’s-we have to, you know.”
Jongwoon looks up at him and chuckles. “It’s hard to imagine someone as pessimistic as you getting old anyways.”
“Shut up.” Kyuhyun laughs and lightly pushes Jongwoon away, but then brings him back, closer to him. “I just… I hate thinking about the future. Becoming old. And then dying.”
“It’s all right.” Jongwoon nuzzles the side of his face into Kyuhyun’s shoulder. “You still have me.”
***
It’s at night when Kyuhyun comes running from the university building. “Sorry,” he pants when he reaches spot where Jongwoon is. “I was writing… a paper… to turn in tomorrow.”
Jongwoon flashes him a smile. “It’s okay,” he says. “Need to keep up with those good grades, don’t you?”
Kyuhyun breathes a sigh of relief and sits down on the grass next to him. “Yeah, I do,” he says. “But I’d rather be with you more.”
“Than have good grades?” Jongwoon’s lips quirk up.
“I can get good grades in my sleep.” Kyuhyun rolls his eyes. “And even if not, yeah, I’d rather be with you than have good grades.”
“I’m flattered.” In the dark, Jongwoon visibly blushes, dark pink against pale skin. “Have you been sleeping much lately?”
Kyuhyun shrugs, as an answer. “I can survive.” He glances at Jongwoon. “You don’t need to worry about me, hyung.”
“I’m not,” says Jongwoon defensively, although there’s still the teasing tone in his voice.
Silence falls between them. Kyuhyun is suddenly very aware of the moonlight on the lake, hitting the waters and reflecting the sky. The night is cool and quiet, the wind drifting by with bated breath. Jongwoon’s leg is pressing against his, his hands digging into Kyuhyun’s thigh, holding on for dear life. Kyuhyun can feel Jongwoon’s side against his body, his head resting against his own, warm mouth so close to Kyuhyun’s skin…
“Kyuhyun,” whispers Jongwoon, and Kyuhyun looks at him. Jongwoon’s cheeks are still flushed, and he is wide-eyed, staring. Close. He’s close. So close to Kyuhyun…
Kyuhyun leans down and presses his mouth gently against Jongwoon’s. Jongwoon lets out a small squeak of surprise, but does not pull back. When Kyuhyun grabs his shoulder and tilts his head down a little bit more, Jongwoon starts pressing back. His mouth is soft and warm, like a bird’s feather, almost intangible. Kyuhyun can taste him on his lips, Jongwoon’s fresh sweetness, trickling against his mouth as quick as rain. Kyuhyun can’t get enough: enough of this, enough of Jongwoon. The air suddenly turns hot, and Kyuhyun doesn’t know how to breathe.
He pulls back. Jongwoon has his eyes closed, seemingly dazed, but his lips are curled up. Kyuhyun can’t help but feel pleased at the sight. “Was that all right?” he whispers, leaning his forehead against Jongwoon’s.
Jongwoon opens his eyes and smiles at him. “More than all right,” he whispers back.
Kyuhyun sweeps his lips over Jongwoon’s again. This time, Jongwoon eagerly responds, moving his lips gently, almost teasingly. Kyuhyun flicks a tongue over Jongwoon’s mouth and moves his hand to Jongwoon’s waist, causing him to gasp out a little and allowing him access. Smirking, Kyuhyun slips his tongue into Jongwoon’s mouth and rakes against his teeth, tasting every bit of him while Jongwoon tilts his head to the side, letting out little whimpers of pleasure. Kyuhyun doesn’t think he’s ever heard anything as lovely as this; Jongwoon moans against him, unable to contain himself.
“You’re noisy,” Kyuhyun teases, moving his hands to Jongwoon’s front. Hot palms slip under Jongwoon’s thin shirt; his skin is surprisingly cool. Kyuhyun feels around Jongwoon’s stomach while continuing to kiss him, moving his mouth from his lips to Jongwoon’s cheek, then to his throat, biting, licking, nipping his skin. Jongwoon arches against him and brings their bodies even closer together, if possible, folding into him and entwining their limbs.
“Can’t blame me,” Jongwoon breathes as Kyuhyun continues to kiss the side of his face. Kyuhyun sucks on his collarbone; Jongwoon’s breath hitches in his throat. “Really can’t blame me,” Jongwoon gasps out again.
Kyuhyun smiles on Jongwoon’s skin. “Really now,” he says, trailing kisses down Jongwoon’s throat, all the way to the collar of his shirt. Carefully, he unbuttons down to the middle of Jongwoon’s blazer, and then licks him again. Jongwoon mewls, rolling his head against Kyuhyun’s. The sound sends sparks all the way down to Kyuhyun’s cock, and he does his best to hold himself upright, digging the heel of his palm into the grass beneath them.
“Do you want this?” he says against Jongwoon’s chest. He undoes the rest of Jongwoon’s buttons and kisses him some more, ravishing and tasting every bit of skin he sees.
Jongwoon writhes and grips onto Kyuhyun’s shoulders; Kyuhyun can feel his hardness against his elbow. “What do you think,” he manages out, pressing on Kyuhyun’s shoulders even more.
Kyuhyun just glances up to him, lightly chuckling. “Just making sure,” he tells him, before dipping his head down and swirling his tongue on a lower part of Jongwoon’s chest.
Jongwoon continues shuddering beneath him, and Kyuhyun is aware of his own cock throbbing against his jeans. He lets one last lick on Jongwoon’s nipple; and as Jongwoon trembles, Kyuhyun’s fingers find their way to the front of Jongwoon’s pants. Slowly and carefully, he dips one finger inside. He can’t quite feel Jongwoon yet, but by the way Jongwoon’s tremors grow a little more violent, he knows he’s on the right path. He unzips Jongwoon’s jeans, sliding his right hand in, and watches with fascination as Jongwoon looks almost like he’s completely undone. Kyuhyun knows he’s not, though, but he can feel Jongwoon’s faint wetness through the fabric, and he is spellbound.
“Kyuhyun,” Jongwoon moans, and Kyuhyun is sure that this is the greatest sound he’s ever heard-greater than Jongwoon’s moans, than Jongwoon’s whines. Almost experimentally, he tightens his grip around Jongwoon’s cock, and Jongwoon cries out even louder. “Kyuhyun,” he gasps, almost pleadingly.
Kyuhyun brings his hand out and Jongwoon whines; Kyuhyun merely grins down at Jongwoon and says, “Patience.” He lightly pushes Jongwoon down on the grass and clambers on top of him, his knees on either side of Jongwoon’s waist. Jongwoon watches him in anticipation, as Kyuhyun brings a hand to his mouth and licks it, clean and thoroughly. Then he slips his hand into Jongwoon’s pants again, sliding past his underwear, and, finding his cock, Kyuhyun starts to slowly stroke.
Jongwoon’s reaction almost makes Kyuhyun come right then and there. Kyuhyun watches as Jongwoon writhes in uncontained pleasure, moving, so desperately wanting to come. Kyuhyun wants to see him do it, too, but he knows that his own aching cock digging into Jongwoon’s leg is not going to be dealt with alone. So after a few more tantalizing strokes, Kyuhyun takes his hand out and tears his own pants off, ignoring the way Jongwoon winces in pain when he presses a little too hard onto Jongwoon’s leg, and feels relieved when his cock is exposed in the cool air.
He’s much more careful with Jongwoon. Slowly, he slides Jongwoon’s jeans down and tosses them into the pile where the rest of Kyuhyun’s clothes, and then does the same with his underpants. Then he moves his body up against Jongwoon’s; his cock, still slightly wet from his hand, twitches when it comes in contact with Jongwoon’s hot skin. Jongwoon audibly gasps and bends his legs back; Kyuhyun looks up to see that Jongwoon’s mouth is wide open, his eyes squeezed shut at the sudden brush of sensitive skin. Kyuhyun bends his head down and bites lightly on Jongwoon’s shoulder reassuringly, and then shifts himself against Jongwoon again. Jongwoon’s breath comes out in little pants, but he does not protest-rather, he thrusts his hips against Kyuhyun’s, almost desperate for the friction.
“I-move,” Jongwoon says desperately. Tauntingly, Kyuhyun only slides his hips up a little, until he himself can’t take it anymore. He grinds himself against Jongwoon, rocking his hips back and forth, watching in awe as Jongwoon’s head falls back against the grass and his legs on either side of Kyuhyun tremble to hold themselves up. Kyuhyun brings his head down and kisses lightly on Jongwoon’s skin, while Jongwoon continues moaning and whining, turning to loud breathes and cries that scare the birds from the trees above.
Kyuhyun can feel the heat in his stomach, uncoiling and untangling until all he knows are the waves of pleasure that he feels when he comes all against Jongwoon, and Jongwoon comes right at the same time. It’s hot and silent, dark and harmonious, but their cocks find refuge in one another as the air nearly cracks from all the heat. Kyuhyun’s fingers are practically tearing out the grass from the ground as he struggles to keep himself silent, but Jongwoon throws his head back and moans. And they keep coming and coming, the orgasm rippling through Kyuhyun’s body until there is nothing left except for the quiet and the lust.
Then he collapses to Jongwoon’s side, feeling the cool grass under his bare skin. He almost becomes aware of Jongwoon’s breathing, but falls into the darkness of his own.
***
Kyuhyun wanders back to his dorm, feeling stupidly happy. All that’s running through his head is Jongwoon, the way Jongwoon had laughed, the way Jongwoon’s eyes had sparkled when he smiled at him. The way Jongwoon had whispered words against Kyuhyun’s skin, the way his fingers had traced the side of Kyuhyun’s face.
The way Jongwoon had pulsated beneath him, hot and loud in Kyuhyun’s ear.
Kyuhyun’s lips twitch at the memory, as he opens the door to his bedroom. He’s glad that he doesn’t have a roommate for once; he doesn’t need anyone anymore, because he has Jongwoon. And he can think of Jongwoon, think of Jongwoon as he slides his hand around himself, think of Jongwoon whenever he is alone. Because he is not.
When Kyuhyun falls asleep that night, he does not dream.
***
A boy had once been lonely. The boy had nothing, nothing for him, except impossible dreams and endless nightmares. He had people and people had him, but they were nothing but small hand gestures and spoken words.
The boy didn’t have a heart.
And the boy wanted a heart. He wanted someone to care for him, someone to love. He wanted someone to be there for him, even if he couldn’t return the favor. He didn’t want to be alone anymore. He wanted someone to love him.
Yes, the boy was selfish. The boy was greedy. The boy went for anything he could. The boy wanted to make friends, and he made them-girls and boys alike. He just didn’t know if it was enough. If it could ever be enough.
He didn’t know anything about love, and when he was constantly met with nothing, he was sure that it would never come. And when he couldn’t take it anymore, he isolated himself. He was still the same on the outside, and same on the inside. But his heart was locked, cold and frozen inside his chest, nothing more than a stone.
And that was when his nightmares did something. Something that he could never forgive himself for, because there was nothing to be forgiven. His nightmares created a figure from themselves, the object of his dreams. And the boy, he was never aware of this, but when he saw who loved him, he loved him back, stretching his arms to the ends of water, embracing his own nightmare.
The boy was lonely no more.
***
When Kyuhyun approaches Jongwoon the next day and sees Jongwoon smile, a tight heat coils around somewhere inside his stomach. He ignores it and settles down next to Jongwoon. Their arms brush, slightly.
“Hi you,” says Jongwoon, grinning at him.
“Hi yourself.” Kyuhyun moves a little, so that Jongwoon’s head is against his shoulder. “Having fun sitting here all by yourself?”
“I’m not by myself,” says Jongwoon. “I’m with you.”
Kyuhyun chuckles. “True.” He casts his gaze over across the lake. “Why do you like sitting here so much, anyways? Is it just because of me?” His tone is teasing, but his heart waits anxiously for an answer.
Jongwoon nearly laughs. “Not just because of you,” he says, and Kyuhyun is happy to notice that his presence is still implied. “I like the lake, that’s all.”
“So do I.” Kyuhyun smiles and rests the side of his head on top of Jongwoon’s. “I’m afraid of drowning, though.”
“Don’t worry about drowning.” Jongwoon looks up at him. His eyes are darkened, pupils dilated. “I won’t let you.”
Kyuhyun doesn’t think he would. Jongwoon is all the air he needs.
***
The golden glow of the sun sets beyond the lake, far off into the distance. Kyuhyun sighs as he watches the hazy pink clouds, darkening as dusk comes upon them.
“You look better today,” says Jongwoon from by his side. Kyuhyun can feel the bibration in Jongwoon’s throat as Jongwoon speaks.
“I ate some dinner. Rested a bit more.” Kyuhyun glances at him. “What about you?”
Jongwoon hums and leans his head into the dip of Kyuhyun’s neck. “I’m great,” he murmurs, his lips against Kyuhyun’s skin.
Kyuhyun smiles down at him and nudges him off. “Hey. You better not sleep on me like you did last time.”
“It’s not my fault you’re so cozy.” Jongwoon reaches across Kyuhyun’s torso and places a hand on his shoulder. He is warm against Kyuhyun.
“You like hugging too much.” Kyuhyun laughs.
Jongwoon looks up at him. His face glows. “I know,” he says.
Kyuhyun can feel the heat stirring in his stomach, and his cock hardens at the sight of Jongwoon smiling up at him. He leans in and presses his lips against Jongwoon’s, needing to feel every part of him.
Jongwoon kisses back, hot and reckless.
***
They’re by a shadier spot at the lake, watching the ducks swimming by. Kyuhyun wraps his arms around Jongwoon’s waist, bringing him closer.
“Break is coming up soon,” he murmurs into Jongwoon’s hair. “So I won’t be around as often.”
Jongwoon suddenly pulls back and looks at him. He is hurt.
“Why?” he asks.
Kyuhyun raises his eyebrows. “You know, holiday break?” he says. “I’ll be spending time with my family. But don’t worry,” he adds when Jongwoon opens his mouth. “I’ll come back.”
Jongwoon is not convinced. Kyuhyun knows this. Still, Jongwoon says, “All right,” and rests against Kyuhyun once again.
A few tense moments pass between them. Kyuhyun’s mind wanders.
“What about you?” he asks. “Aren’t you going home for break?”
Jongwoon fidgets, a little. “I suppose.”
“Where do you come from, anyways?” Kyuhyun knows he’s asked Jongwoon this before, but he asks anyways.
To his surprise, Jongwoon’s voice is cold.
“It’s not important.”
Kyuhyun is the one who pulls away this time. He looks Jongwoon in the face. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“What do you think it means?” Jongwoon’s gaze burns into him. “It’s not important.”
“You could at least tell me what part of Korea you came from. It’s not like I’m going to hate you or anything.” Kyuhyun leans forward, closer to Jongwoon. “Come on, tell me.”
“There’s nothing to tell.”
“You must know at least something.”
Jongwoon cuts him off with an aggressive kiss, unforgiving hands sliding up around his neck. Kyuhyun yelps out into his mouth, but groans as Jongwoon’s palm goes to the heat between his thighs.
***
Kyuhyun tries again; he’s always been stubborn, and he knows that Jongwoon can give into him. Will give into him. Kyuhyun is sure of it
So when they’re by the lake again, and their clothes are off, casually tossed aside, he opens his eyes and turns to Jongwoon, who is watching him.
“I don’t want to leave you,” says Kyuhyun, reaching to touch Jongwoon’s hand. Even as autumn leaves them, Jongwoon is still colder than the air, only not when lust is running through both their veins.
“I don’t want you to either.” Jongwoon turns to him. He looks so small, sprawled out on the grass.
“Why don’t you tell me where you’re going to stay?” says Kyuhyun soothingly. “Then I could find you. Maybe visit you for a little.”
Jongwoon’s calm demeanor slips off, and he watches Kyuhyun with calculating eyes.
“Don’t,” he says. Kyuhyun knows he is referring to more than their conversation.
“Why not?” presses Kyuhyun. “It’d be nice. You know, seeing you over the holidays.” He forces a smile.
Jongwoon does not smile back. “If you want to see me, stay here.”
“I can’t. You know that.” Kyuhyun’s gaze searches Jongwoon’s. “Why don’t you just tell me where you’re going? Where you’re from?”
“Nowhere.”
“Oh come on, you have to have come from somewhere.” Kyuhyun is sitting up now, moving closer so he can see Jongwoon properly. “And since when is it such a crime to see you?”
“It’s not,” says Jongwoon stubbornly. “It’s just none of your business. I don’t want you to care, so you’re not supposed to care.”
Kyuhyun sees red. “Oh, so now you can tell me what to do?” he says angrily.
Jongwoon’s face falls. “No! I just-You’re the one being a dick!” He scrambles up and looks Kyuhyun defiantly in the eye. “You’re the one who keeps asking me questions, things that you’re not supposed to be worried about! Things you’re not supposed to care about!”
“Yeah, well I do!” Kyuhyun moves even closer, their naked bodies nearly touching. “And you’re being an asshole for not telling me anything-”
“You know enough! What I like, what I don’t like, what I listen to, how I feel!” Jongwoon glowers at him. “I can tell you whatever I want and there’s nothing you can do about it -”
“Well why don’t you tell me where you live?”
“Because I don’t want to!”
Kyuhyun attacks him with his mouth; Jongwoon kisses back fiercely, his nails digging into Kyuhyun’s back.
Kyuhyun fucks him, teeth harsh and grinding, and when they are done, he leaves.
***
Part II
Char/Pair: Kyuhyun/Yesung
Genre: romance/slash, heavy angst, drama, (+ smut), au
Rating: R
Warnings: prescribed drug abuse, character death, schizophrenia
A/N: for kpop_bigbang. Thanks to my list for voting what pairing (I was gonna do Minwook but bailed when I realized it wouldn't really reach the word count... I think). Thanks to my cheerleaders, too \o/
Kyuhyun is staring into the darkness when he wakes up. He blinks, once, twice, but nothing changes.
“Hello?” he calls out.
His voice echoes into the bleak distance, and then dies out. Kyuhyun wonders if there’s a wall there: a wall to keep the sound from escaping. This is, after all, what walls do. But when he feels around, he feels nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
“Hello?” he calls again.
Then something grabs him from behind, around his middle. He doesn’t know what it is-he tries to cry out, but his voice is stuck in his throat. Then suddenly he’s being pulled back, farther and farther back, and the darkness is swimming in front of his eyes before everything falls away.
***
“Kyuhyun! Kyuhyun, are you all right?”
Kyuhyun opens his eyes and blinks. He’s outside, sitting by the lake, as usual. Sungmin is staring down at him, looking worried.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he murmurs, propping up on an elbow and feeling his head. “I just sort of... I dunno. What happened?”
“You just fell asleep!” exclaims Sungmin. “I don’t know why-are you okay?” He tilts his head to the side and observes Kyuhyun, like there’s something unreadable in his eyes.
Kyuhyun just shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair. “I’m fine. Must have blacked out for a second, or something.”
“Well yeah, I figured that,” says Sungmin. “Do you-Do you know why?”
Kyuhyun shrugs. “No. I’m probably sick, or something.” He chuckles at Sungmin’s worried face. “Let’s just go to class.”
Sungmin relaxes. “All right. Though you still look pale.” The worried expression passes across Sungmin’s face again, but it quickly disappears and he shrugs.
“I’m fine, really, hyung.” Kyuhyun moves away and adjusts himself. “If I wasn’t, would I be able to do this?” And rather relentlessly, he punches Sungmin’s left shoulder.
“Ow!” says Sungmin, clutching his shoulder. “That hurt!”
“See?” Kyuhyun smirks. “Perfectly fine.”
***
Kyuhyun dreams. He dreams that there’s a man there, that there’s a man who is waiting for him. Kyuhyun wonders who the man is, and he drifts across the floor to see him.
“Hi,” he says. “I’m Kyuhyun. Who are you?”
The man shimmers-Kyuhyun imagines he can see a smile-but there is nothing but the soft light radiating from his face. Kyuhyun cocks his head to the side and observes the man-perhaps he hadn’t heard him.
“Who are you?” he asks a bit louder this time.
His voice reverberates against the dark walls, and the light beneath the other man’s feet slowly starts to fade. Kyuhyun watches with wide eyes as the man starts to leave him... there’s something about the man that draws him to him... something that lets him know that he’s not alone...
“Wait!” he cries. “Where are you going? I don’t even know who you are!”
The man shimmers again, but dims and then disappears. Then there’s nothing left except for the darkness.
***
Kyuhyun is by the lake, his favorite spot on campus, when he hears a rustling behind him. Startled, he looks around-the bush leaves bustle, and then a young man appears from behind the nearby tree.
Kyuhyun watches him for a moment, but the young man merely smiles at him before settling down on the grass next to him. Kyuhyun doesn’t know what to feel. What to say. He feels like he knows the man, has seen him before, in perhaps a dream or another lifetime-but memories do not come to him.
They sit there and watch the water go by. This is Kyuhyun’s favorite spot on campus because it is the only place that reminds him that this is his new home. That this is not just a university, an institute, another place where people come and go. But that this is a part of nature, or at least, a part of his own nature.
Kyuhyun is surprised when the young man next to him speaks. He has not forgotten, however, that the man is there.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” says the man, leaning back on the grass and gazing to the area in front of them.
Kyuhyun glances at him again, and decides not to answer his question. Instead, he says, “Who are you?” The words feel too familiar on his tongue.
The man turns to him. His eyes are bright, innocent. “My name’s Jongwoon,” he says. “You?”
“Kyuhyun,” says Kyuhyun. And, because he knows how to be polite, he adds, “I’m a freshman here.”
“Really? I’m a senior,” says Jongwoon.
Kyuhyun’s a bit surprised. He thinks Jongwoon would be a freshman, or even just a visiting high school student. Jongwoon looks pure, youthful. Kyuhyun has never seen him around before.
“You go to this school?” He indicates the main building a little ways behind them.
Jongwoon smiles. It’s sincere. “Of course,” he says. “And I’m assuming you do, too.” His tone is light, teasing.
Kyuhyun can’t help but smile back. “Of course,” he echoes.
***
Kyuhyun does not tell Donghae and Sungmin about Jongwoon. He likes his friends: they’re nice and funny; why else would they be his friends? But there is something about Jongwoon that draws him. Something about Jongwoon that he makes him not want to share him. So he does not.
“Where were you?” Donghae inquires when Kyuhyun walks into the dining hall for dinner. Jongwoon had told Kyuhyun that he was going back to his dorm; he didn’t like social junctures, you see. Kyuhyun had understood. He would have said he did even if he didn’t, anyways.
“The lake,” says Kyuhyun. “You know how much I like it.”
“A little bit too much,” chides Sungmin. “Really, Kyuhyun-ah, one of these days you’re going to say that you went to the lake when really you have a secret girlfriend you’re hiding from us!”
“You’re hiding your girlfriend from us?” Donghae’s eyes go wide.
Kyuhyun rolls his eyes. “Of course not, hyung,” he says, picking up his chopsticks. He goes for his rice. “And if I had a girlfriend, you two would be the first people I’d tell.” Jongwoon hyung isn’t a girlfriend, though. So Kyuhyun is true to his part.
“I’m flattered,” says Sungmin dryly, although Donghae looks much more cheerful than him. “But that’s not saying much, seeing as apparently you haven’t dated since high school.”
“I’m not interested in anyone around here,” replies Kyuhyun.
“What? No one here smart enough for you?”
“No, just that all the girls here are too stupid for me.”
“Even the seniors?” Donghae raises an eyebrow.
Instinctively, Kyuhyun thinks of Jongwoon. He doesn’t say anything.
***
Kyuhyun meets Jongwoon by the lake again. He hadn’t known that Jongwoon was there-one moment, he’s sitting by himself, and the next, he feels a significant presence settling down beside him.
“Hi,” greets Jongwoon, with that small smile of his. His eyes crinkle at the sides, making Jongwoon shimmer a little brighter.
Kyuhyun is bewildered. “Hi,” he says, and moves over on the grass to make room for him. “You really like the lake as much as I do?”
“Yeah,” breathes Jongwoon. “I’ve always really liked lakes. They’re very peaceful.”
“They are,” agrees Kyuhyun.
They sit there in silence. Kyuhyun is watching Jongwoon in his peripheral vision, and notices that Jongwoon seems very pale, almost transparent. He wants to reach over and touch him to make sure he’s there. So he does.
His skin heats up as soon as his hand touches Jongwoon’s, and his neck flushes. Jongwoon turns to him and looks amused, smiling at Kyuhyun’s fingertips lingering on his arms.
“Yes?” he says.
Kyuhyun’s breath is taken away by the way Jongwoon seems to be looking right into him. “Nothing,” he says.
***
“You will be writing an analysis paper,” says his professor, “on the positive and negative aspects of harmony and dictation.”
There is a collective groan throughout the classroom. The professor taps his glasses sternly. Kyuhyun feels like he is about to fall asleep.
“No complaints. You will write your paper, and hand them in to me three weeks from now.” His professor peers over at each of the students. “Five pages. Double spaced.”
Kyuhyun’s eyes glaze over, and he thinks to the day previous when he had been with Jongwoon by the lake. They had been talking about their subjects and classes, and Jongwoon had said that he had taken music theory when he was a freshman. Kyuhyun smiles to himself. Jongwoon had also said that he was a music major. Kyuhyun wonders what Jongwoon’s singing voice sounds like.
He jerks out of his reverie when his professor’s voice goes up a notch. “And no cheating, either!”
***
“I hate school,” says Kyuhyun, flopping onto the grass. As expected, Jongwoon had been sitting there, waiting for him. He smiles, turning his gaze away from the lake to look at Kyuhyun.
“I think everyone’s hated school at one point in their lives,” says Jongwoon, chuckling. “Why do you say so, though?” He picks at the grass beneath him. The grass strands don’t give way.
“I have an analysis paper. It’s annoying.” Kyuhyun rolls his eyes and tugs at the grass himself. They uproot easily.
Jongwoon remains amused. “Analysis essays aren’t that hard. You just have to really look into things. Like music.” He grins at Kyuhyun. “And you like looking into music, right?”
“I like singing.” Kyuhyun shrugs. “And playing piano. Music theory is sort of pointless for me, though.”
“You have to learn the idea behind things before you can actually do them,” says Jongwoon.
Kyuhyun chuckles. “Sounds like a sort of thing a teacher would say.” He chews on his bottom lip thoughtfully. “Hey, where did you go to high school?”
“High school?”
“Yeah. You know, before college.” Kyuhyun’s lips twitch at his own joke.
But Jongwoon doesn’t look at him. “Oh, around here,” he says ambiguously, sounding very much like he’s lying.
“Around where?” asks Kyuhyun curiously.
“Here.”
Jongwoon’s voice is oddly defiant, firm.
Kyuhyun finds the words on his tongue to question further, but he doesn’t. He gazes out into the lake again, and thinks about the things he misses.
***
When Kyuhyun falls asleep, he likes to dream. He usually doesn’t, but dreams are those fleeting things that you see maybe just a little part of, and you never see the whole and you can never remember them when they’re done, but you know that they’re there and they’ve existed.
When he dreams, he sees someone. Someone who is there. He’s familiar with him-this person has been haunting him lately-but he never knows who he is, can never remember who he is, and sometimes Kyuhyun wonders if he’s just making him up.
“Hello?” he calls out to the man. He knows the man can hear him-the man chuckles. But the man does not respond, and Kyuhyun clenches his jaw in agitation.
“I know you’re there!” he shouts again. “Who are you?” He wants to know who the man is-even if he does not know by subconscious, if only, if only he catches a glimpse, if only he gets a hint-
The man moves to the side, and Kyuhyun’s insides jump up and down in excitement. He can see the man’s profile-a small, round nose and full, thick lips.
“Hello!” he says once more. “Can you please-I-“
The man turns his head, and Kyuhyun can see even more of his face. Eagerly, he tries to step forward; but, as usual, he finds it impossible to move even closer to the man.
“I’m Kyuhyun,” he tries, stretching out his arm-his hand seems miles away from the man. “And-you are-?”
The man faces him.
**
Kyuhyun’s eyes shoot open and he’s sweating. He doesn’t know why-all he knows is that he had been dreaming, and suddenly, he’s awake.
Kyuhyun ruffles his blankets and rolls over, and promptly falls back asleep.
When he wakes up the next morning, he does not recall the man’s face, nor his dream at all.
***
“You said you were a music major,” says Jongwoon. They’re sitting at the lakeside again, and Kyuhyun suddenly feels restless, like he wants to run around. He doesn’t, though. He knows that Jongwoon wouldn’t join him-and he’ll only do anything if Jongwoon will be with him.
Kyuhyun nods and smiles at him. “Yeah,” he says. “You are too. How’s senior year going?”
Jongwoon shrugs. “All right. I sort of wish I was a freshman again.” He chuckles.
“What, for the easier work?” teases Kyuhyun.
“Because then I’ll be with you,” says Jongwoon. It isn’t a reply that Kyuhyun had expected, and apparently Jongwoon hadn’t expected for him to say this himself by the way his cheeks turn pink. Neither of them address the issue, though.
“Can you sing for me?” asks Kyuhyun suddenly. He’s been wondering what Jongwoon sounds like for a while now. He must be lovely.
Jongwoon lifts a corner of his mouth. “Sure,” he replies softly. Then he sings a few notes. They’re not very loud, nor are they anything extremely special-but to Kyuhyun, they sound like the world.
“Thank you,” he whispers, when Jongwoon is done.
Jongwoon turns to him gracefully. “I haven’t sang anything in a while,” he admits. “It feels like a long time, anyways.”
“Does it?” says Kyuhyun. And then, “I don’t think I’ve seen you before the day we first met.”
“I can’t remember anything before the day we met,” says Jongwoon, shrugging. For some reason, he doesn’t look too perturbed by this. Kyuhyun thinks that he should. Kyuhyun thinks that he should be worried by Jongwoon’s words. But strangely, he doesn’t.
So they fall into the silence again.
***
There’s something addicting about Jongwoon’s presence. Something about the way that Jongwoon smiles at him, and Kyuhyun can feel an onslaught of emotion coming onto him. Something about the way Jongwoon speaks, and Kyuhyun sees colors of varying hues, not at all like calculated numbers but mere lighter treasures. Something how Kyuhyun feels he can trust Jongwoon more than anything else in the world.
They’re by the lake again. Kyuhyun finds himself by the lake almost every hour of the day-he wakes up early and arrives there, just to see Jongwoon waiting for him. He skips his morning classes to stay there with him, and when Jongwoon urges him to leave for at least lunch, he darts into the cafeteria for thirty seconds and grabs a piece of bread before hurrying back to Jongwoon. They spend their afternoon and evenings there, and soon enough Kyuhyun is staying so long that when he forgets to sleep, he forgets to dream.
He often wonders why Jongwoon stays with him. Why Jongwoon is always with him. Why Jongwoon never sleeps, never eats, never goes to classes. But a part of Kyuhyun is afraid that if he asks, Jongwoon will take it the wrong way and leave. So Kyuhyun doesn’t say anything.
They do not always speak, but they are always there. Kyuhyun sits a little too closely to Jongwoon, smiles a little too much-but Jongwoon never seems to mind.
“How’s that paper coming?” asks Jongwoon.
Kyuhyun shrugs. “I don’t know. I haven’t started it yet.”
Jongwoon laughs. It is the sound of every song he’s sung. “You better start it soon,” he says. “Wouldn’t want you to have a bad grade, do we?”
“I’m not going to get a bad grade,” Kyuhyun scoffs. “I can bullshit a paper and get a ninety-five. No effort at all.”
“That’s bad,” teases Jongwoon. “You really shouldn’t make that a practice.”
“The same way we shouldn’t make sitting here and doing nothing a practice,” says Kyuhyun. “It’s like a waste of time. But we’re doing it, anyways, aren’t we?”
Jongwoon glances to Kyuhyun. “You think this is a waste of time?”
“Well no,” says Kyuhyun hastily. “It’s just that-well, we really are doing nothing, aren’t we?”
“That doesn’t mean there’s anything time-wasting about it,” says Jongwoon.
Kyuhyun turns to him. The light in Jongwoon’s eyes is innocent, defiant.
“No,” says Kyuhyun quietly. “I suppose not.”
***
When Donghae and Sungmin come up to him in the hallway, Kyuhyun is faintly surprised to see that they are out of breath and pink-faced. They don’t look as lovely as Jongwoon when he blushes.
“Kyuhyun!” Sungmin exclaims.
Kyuhyun stares at him. “Hi, hyung,” he says, confusion laced lightly in his voice.
“We haven’t seen you for ages!” says Donghae. “It seems like you’re always trying to get away from us-this is the only time we’ve caught you-“
“That’s because I had to come in to turn in my paper,” explains Kyuhyun.
Donghae and Sungmin look fairly hurt. Kyuhyun allows his mind to briefly wonder why.
“You’re always spending time by the lake,” says Sungmin. “Not even making room for your friends.” Yes, there’s no doubt that there’s hurt in his voice.
“Well so?” says Kyuhyun defensively. “I like the lake-it’s calm and silent, unlike you two.” And it has Jongwoon, who is calm as silent as the surface of the water.
“But you won’t even hang out with your friends?” says Donghae. “Us? It’s all right if you want to get away for a little while, Kyuhyun-but now there’s not even anything you want to get away from.”
“This is exactly what I’m talking about!” says Kyuhyun frustratedly, throwing his hands up in the air. “You! Everyone! I want to get away from everyone, all right! I don’t even need you!”
He storms away, leaving his two friends staring behind him.
***
Kyuhyun nearly tears his hair out when he arrives by the lake. Jongwoon is already sitting there, his hands around his knees. He looks worried when he sees Kyuhyun.
“What’s wrong?” he says immediately, as Kyuhyun flings himself onto the grass beside him.
“My friends!” Kyuhyun spits. “If they can even call themselves that! Even though I’m hardly spending time with them, that doesn’t give them the right to claim that I’m hurting them! And,” he adds, his anger building up, “they’re always a bother anyways! Gossiping, talking, never shutting up-there’s a reason why I don’t want to be around them, and that’s because they’re never quiet!”
“I hope I don’t bother you,” Jongwoon murmurs when Kyuhyun is done.
Kyuhyun snaps to him, and rapidly shakes his head.
“You don’t, hyung,” he says. “You-You never do, really. You’re the reason why I don’t hang out with them as much-because you know what I like and what I want, and it’s much better having you around than anyone else, or being by myself.” He smiles. “You’re perfect.”
“If you think so, I’ll never leave you,” says Jongwoon, staring down.
Kyuhyun smiles even more. “I’d like that,” he says.
Jongwoon’s cheeks turn red, but he says no more.
***
Kyuhyun goes out of his way to avoid his friends-not like he really needs to try anymore. With his frequent meetings with Jongwoon, it’s not like he runs into people anymore-people are only people to him, and when he says hello, he never means it, and when he speaks, he’s barely aware of the words that are coming out of his mouth.
A month passes, but it feels like a decade. When Kyuhyun looks to his side, Jongwoon is sitting next to him, with a small smile on his face, and his black hair flying in the breeze.
***
Kyuhyun is dreaming again. His dreams are all imagination, he knows-but he can’t help but feel that there’s something significant about them. Something real. Something that lasts much longer than a mere thought.
In the depths of his mind, he can see a man. A man who is waiting, watching him. A man who knows him and feels him, a man who is always there with him. A man who has been called, a man who answers, a man who smiles and laughs at everything he says. A man who understands him.
A man who does not exist.
***
Kyuhyun smiles a little when Jongwoon moves closer to him. He does not know why; Jongwoon is only cold, for autumn is slowly getting cooler as the day passes. But knowing that Jongwoon is coming to him for warmth, for comfort, is enough to fill Kyuhyun’s joy.
“Cold?” he says, looking down at Jongwoon who is now tucked in next to his shoulder.
Jongwoon glances up to him. His cheeks flush beautifully. “Not really,” he says. “But-it’s nice being here, next to you.” He smiles a little as well.
Affection blooms inside of Kyuhyun, and he’s aware of the heat and the friction between their bodies. “I think so too,” he responds, and leans back a little against Jongwoon, and is pleased when Jongwoon does not move away.
A moment passes between them. Kyuhyun lets out a small sigh. “I haven’t really had anyone get this close to me lately,” he confesses. “Or at all, really. It’s sort of-I’ve never really had anyone.”
“Well you have me,” says Jongwoon cheekily. “And there’s nothing wrong with that, right?”
Kyuhyun laughs. “Of course. There’s nothing wrong with having you around, hyung.”
“I didn’t think there was.” Jongwoon is still gazing at him. There’s something in his eyes that Kyuhyun can’t quite read, but he lets it go. The glow on Jongwoon’s face is impenetrable.
***
“I don’t want to grow old,” Kyuhyun murmurs into Jongwoon’s hair, pulling him closer to his side. He sees a smile flit across Jongwoon’s face; he smiles a little, himself.
“Neither do I,” Jongwoon whispers back. “But if we want to, we don’t have to, you know.”
“We have to grow old,” says Kyuhyun. He’s still smiling, even though he doesn’t know what’s humorous about the words that are coming out of his mouth. “It’s-we have to, you know.”
Jongwoon looks up at him and chuckles. “It’s hard to imagine someone as pessimistic as you getting old anyways.”
“Shut up.” Kyuhyun laughs and lightly pushes Jongwoon away, but then brings him back, closer to him. “I just… I hate thinking about the future. Becoming old. And then dying.”
“It’s all right.” Jongwoon nuzzles the side of his face into Kyuhyun’s shoulder. “You still have me.”
***
It’s at night when Kyuhyun comes running from the university building. “Sorry,” he pants when he reaches spot where Jongwoon is. “I was writing… a paper… to turn in tomorrow.”
Jongwoon flashes him a smile. “It’s okay,” he says. “Need to keep up with those good grades, don’t you?”
Kyuhyun breathes a sigh of relief and sits down on the grass next to him. “Yeah, I do,” he says. “But I’d rather be with you more.”
“Than have good grades?” Jongwoon’s lips quirk up.
“I can get good grades in my sleep.” Kyuhyun rolls his eyes. “And even if not, yeah, I’d rather be with you than have good grades.”
“I’m flattered.” In the dark, Jongwoon visibly blushes, dark pink against pale skin. “Have you been sleeping much lately?”
Kyuhyun shrugs, as an answer. “I can survive.” He glances at Jongwoon. “You don’t need to worry about me, hyung.”
“I’m not,” says Jongwoon defensively, although there’s still the teasing tone in his voice.
Silence falls between them. Kyuhyun is suddenly very aware of the moonlight on the lake, hitting the waters and reflecting the sky. The night is cool and quiet, the wind drifting by with bated breath. Jongwoon’s leg is pressing against his, his hands digging into Kyuhyun’s thigh, holding on for dear life. Kyuhyun can feel Jongwoon’s side against his body, his head resting against his own, warm mouth so close to Kyuhyun’s skin…
“Kyuhyun,” whispers Jongwoon, and Kyuhyun looks at him. Jongwoon’s cheeks are still flushed, and he is wide-eyed, staring. Close. He’s close. So close to Kyuhyun…
Kyuhyun leans down and presses his mouth gently against Jongwoon’s. Jongwoon lets out a small squeak of surprise, but does not pull back. When Kyuhyun grabs his shoulder and tilts his head down a little bit more, Jongwoon starts pressing back. His mouth is soft and warm, like a bird’s feather, almost intangible. Kyuhyun can taste him on his lips, Jongwoon’s fresh sweetness, trickling against his mouth as quick as rain. Kyuhyun can’t get enough: enough of this, enough of Jongwoon. The air suddenly turns hot, and Kyuhyun doesn’t know how to breathe.
He pulls back. Jongwoon has his eyes closed, seemingly dazed, but his lips are curled up. Kyuhyun can’t help but feel pleased at the sight. “Was that all right?” he whispers, leaning his forehead against Jongwoon’s.
Jongwoon opens his eyes and smiles at him. “More than all right,” he whispers back.
Kyuhyun sweeps his lips over Jongwoon’s again. This time, Jongwoon eagerly responds, moving his lips gently, almost teasingly. Kyuhyun flicks a tongue over Jongwoon’s mouth and moves his hand to Jongwoon’s waist, causing him to gasp out a little and allowing him access. Smirking, Kyuhyun slips his tongue into Jongwoon’s mouth and rakes against his teeth, tasting every bit of him while Jongwoon tilts his head to the side, letting out little whimpers of pleasure. Kyuhyun doesn’t think he’s ever heard anything as lovely as this; Jongwoon moans against him, unable to contain himself.
“You’re noisy,” Kyuhyun teases, moving his hands to Jongwoon’s front. Hot palms slip under Jongwoon’s thin shirt; his skin is surprisingly cool. Kyuhyun feels around Jongwoon’s stomach while continuing to kiss him, moving his mouth from his lips to Jongwoon’s cheek, then to his throat, biting, licking, nipping his skin. Jongwoon arches against him and brings their bodies even closer together, if possible, folding into him and entwining their limbs.
“Can’t blame me,” Jongwoon breathes as Kyuhyun continues to kiss the side of his face. Kyuhyun sucks on his collarbone; Jongwoon’s breath hitches in his throat. “Really can’t blame me,” Jongwoon gasps out again.
Kyuhyun smiles on Jongwoon’s skin. “Really now,” he says, trailing kisses down Jongwoon’s throat, all the way to the collar of his shirt. Carefully, he unbuttons down to the middle of Jongwoon’s blazer, and then licks him again. Jongwoon mewls, rolling his head against Kyuhyun’s. The sound sends sparks all the way down to Kyuhyun’s cock, and he does his best to hold himself upright, digging the heel of his palm into the grass beneath them.
“Do you want this?” he says against Jongwoon’s chest. He undoes the rest of Jongwoon’s buttons and kisses him some more, ravishing and tasting every bit of skin he sees.
Jongwoon writhes and grips onto Kyuhyun’s shoulders; Kyuhyun can feel his hardness against his elbow. “What do you think,” he manages out, pressing on Kyuhyun’s shoulders even more.
Kyuhyun just glances up to him, lightly chuckling. “Just making sure,” he tells him, before dipping his head down and swirling his tongue on a lower part of Jongwoon’s chest.
Jongwoon continues shuddering beneath him, and Kyuhyun is aware of his own cock throbbing against his jeans. He lets one last lick on Jongwoon’s nipple; and as Jongwoon trembles, Kyuhyun’s fingers find their way to the front of Jongwoon’s pants. Slowly and carefully, he dips one finger inside. He can’t quite feel Jongwoon yet, but by the way Jongwoon’s tremors grow a little more violent, he knows he’s on the right path. He unzips Jongwoon’s jeans, sliding his right hand in, and watches with fascination as Jongwoon looks almost like he’s completely undone. Kyuhyun knows he’s not, though, but he can feel Jongwoon’s faint wetness through the fabric, and he is spellbound.
“Kyuhyun,” Jongwoon moans, and Kyuhyun is sure that this is the greatest sound he’s ever heard-greater than Jongwoon’s moans, than Jongwoon’s whines. Almost experimentally, he tightens his grip around Jongwoon’s cock, and Jongwoon cries out even louder. “Kyuhyun,” he gasps, almost pleadingly.
Kyuhyun brings his hand out and Jongwoon whines; Kyuhyun merely grins down at Jongwoon and says, “Patience.” He lightly pushes Jongwoon down on the grass and clambers on top of him, his knees on either side of Jongwoon’s waist. Jongwoon watches him in anticipation, as Kyuhyun brings a hand to his mouth and licks it, clean and thoroughly. Then he slips his hand into Jongwoon’s pants again, sliding past his underwear, and, finding his cock, Kyuhyun starts to slowly stroke.
Jongwoon’s reaction almost makes Kyuhyun come right then and there. Kyuhyun watches as Jongwoon writhes in uncontained pleasure, moving, so desperately wanting to come. Kyuhyun wants to see him do it, too, but he knows that his own aching cock digging into Jongwoon’s leg is not going to be dealt with alone. So after a few more tantalizing strokes, Kyuhyun takes his hand out and tears his own pants off, ignoring the way Jongwoon winces in pain when he presses a little too hard onto Jongwoon’s leg, and feels relieved when his cock is exposed in the cool air.
He’s much more careful with Jongwoon. Slowly, he slides Jongwoon’s jeans down and tosses them into the pile where the rest of Kyuhyun’s clothes, and then does the same with his underpants. Then he moves his body up against Jongwoon’s; his cock, still slightly wet from his hand, twitches when it comes in contact with Jongwoon’s hot skin. Jongwoon audibly gasps and bends his legs back; Kyuhyun looks up to see that Jongwoon’s mouth is wide open, his eyes squeezed shut at the sudden brush of sensitive skin. Kyuhyun bends his head down and bites lightly on Jongwoon’s shoulder reassuringly, and then shifts himself against Jongwoon again. Jongwoon’s breath comes out in little pants, but he does not protest-rather, he thrusts his hips against Kyuhyun’s, almost desperate for the friction.
“I-move,” Jongwoon says desperately. Tauntingly, Kyuhyun only slides his hips up a little, until he himself can’t take it anymore. He grinds himself against Jongwoon, rocking his hips back and forth, watching in awe as Jongwoon’s head falls back against the grass and his legs on either side of Kyuhyun tremble to hold themselves up. Kyuhyun brings his head down and kisses lightly on Jongwoon’s skin, while Jongwoon continues moaning and whining, turning to loud breathes and cries that scare the birds from the trees above.
Kyuhyun can feel the heat in his stomach, uncoiling and untangling until all he knows are the waves of pleasure that he feels when he comes all against Jongwoon, and Jongwoon comes right at the same time. It’s hot and silent, dark and harmonious, but their cocks find refuge in one another as the air nearly cracks from all the heat. Kyuhyun’s fingers are practically tearing out the grass from the ground as he struggles to keep himself silent, but Jongwoon throws his head back and moans. And they keep coming and coming, the orgasm rippling through Kyuhyun’s body until there is nothing left except for the quiet and the lust.
Then he collapses to Jongwoon’s side, feeling the cool grass under his bare skin. He almost becomes aware of Jongwoon’s breathing, but falls into the darkness of his own.
***
Kyuhyun wanders back to his dorm, feeling stupidly happy. All that’s running through his head is Jongwoon, the way Jongwoon had laughed, the way Jongwoon’s eyes had sparkled when he smiled at him. The way Jongwoon had whispered words against Kyuhyun’s skin, the way his fingers had traced the side of Kyuhyun’s face.
The way Jongwoon had pulsated beneath him, hot and loud in Kyuhyun’s ear.
Kyuhyun’s lips twitch at the memory, as he opens the door to his bedroom. He’s glad that he doesn’t have a roommate for once; he doesn’t need anyone anymore, because he has Jongwoon. And he can think of Jongwoon, think of Jongwoon as he slides his hand around himself, think of Jongwoon whenever he is alone. Because he is not.
When Kyuhyun falls asleep that night, he does not dream.
***
A boy had once been lonely. The boy had nothing, nothing for him, except impossible dreams and endless nightmares. He had people and people had him, but they were nothing but small hand gestures and spoken words.
The boy didn’t have a heart.
And the boy wanted a heart. He wanted someone to care for him, someone to love. He wanted someone to be there for him, even if he couldn’t return the favor. He didn’t want to be alone anymore. He wanted someone to love him.
Yes, the boy was selfish. The boy was greedy. The boy went for anything he could. The boy wanted to make friends, and he made them-girls and boys alike. He just didn’t know if it was enough. If it could ever be enough.
He didn’t know anything about love, and when he was constantly met with nothing, he was sure that it would never come. And when he couldn’t take it anymore, he isolated himself. He was still the same on the outside, and same on the inside. But his heart was locked, cold and frozen inside his chest, nothing more than a stone.
And that was when his nightmares did something. Something that he could never forgive himself for, because there was nothing to be forgiven. His nightmares created a figure from themselves, the object of his dreams. And the boy, he was never aware of this, but when he saw who loved him, he loved him back, stretching his arms to the ends of water, embracing his own nightmare.
The boy was lonely no more.
***
When Kyuhyun approaches Jongwoon the next day and sees Jongwoon smile, a tight heat coils around somewhere inside his stomach. He ignores it and settles down next to Jongwoon. Their arms brush, slightly.
“Hi you,” says Jongwoon, grinning at him.
“Hi yourself.” Kyuhyun moves a little, so that Jongwoon’s head is against his shoulder. “Having fun sitting here all by yourself?”
“I’m not by myself,” says Jongwoon. “I’m with you.”
Kyuhyun chuckles. “True.” He casts his gaze over across the lake. “Why do you like sitting here so much, anyways? Is it just because of me?” His tone is teasing, but his heart waits anxiously for an answer.
Jongwoon nearly laughs. “Not just because of you,” he says, and Kyuhyun is happy to notice that his presence is still implied. “I like the lake, that’s all.”
“So do I.” Kyuhyun smiles and rests the side of his head on top of Jongwoon’s. “I’m afraid of drowning, though.”
“Don’t worry about drowning.” Jongwoon looks up at him. His eyes are darkened, pupils dilated. “I won’t let you.”
Kyuhyun doesn’t think he would. Jongwoon is all the air he needs.
***
The golden glow of the sun sets beyond the lake, far off into the distance. Kyuhyun sighs as he watches the hazy pink clouds, darkening as dusk comes upon them.
“You look better today,” says Jongwoon from by his side. Kyuhyun can feel the bibration in Jongwoon’s throat as Jongwoon speaks.
“I ate some dinner. Rested a bit more.” Kyuhyun glances at him. “What about you?”
Jongwoon hums and leans his head into the dip of Kyuhyun’s neck. “I’m great,” he murmurs, his lips against Kyuhyun’s skin.
Kyuhyun smiles down at him and nudges him off. “Hey. You better not sleep on me like you did last time.”
“It’s not my fault you’re so cozy.” Jongwoon reaches across Kyuhyun’s torso and places a hand on his shoulder. He is warm against Kyuhyun.
“You like hugging too much.” Kyuhyun laughs.
Jongwoon looks up at him. His face glows. “I know,” he says.
Kyuhyun can feel the heat stirring in his stomach, and his cock hardens at the sight of Jongwoon smiling up at him. He leans in and presses his lips against Jongwoon’s, needing to feel every part of him.
Jongwoon kisses back, hot and reckless.
***
They’re by a shadier spot at the lake, watching the ducks swimming by. Kyuhyun wraps his arms around Jongwoon’s waist, bringing him closer.
“Break is coming up soon,” he murmurs into Jongwoon’s hair. “So I won’t be around as often.”
Jongwoon suddenly pulls back and looks at him. He is hurt.
“Why?” he asks.
Kyuhyun raises his eyebrows. “You know, holiday break?” he says. “I’ll be spending time with my family. But don’t worry,” he adds when Jongwoon opens his mouth. “I’ll come back.”
Jongwoon is not convinced. Kyuhyun knows this. Still, Jongwoon says, “All right,” and rests against Kyuhyun once again.
A few tense moments pass between them. Kyuhyun’s mind wanders.
“What about you?” he asks. “Aren’t you going home for break?”
Jongwoon fidgets, a little. “I suppose.”
“Where do you come from, anyways?” Kyuhyun knows he’s asked Jongwoon this before, but he asks anyways.
To his surprise, Jongwoon’s voice is cold.
“It’s not important.”
Kyuhyun is the one who pulls away this time. He looks Jongwoon in the face. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“What do you think it means?” Jongwoon’s gaze burns into him. “It’s not important.”
“You could at least tell me what part of Korea you came from. It’s not like I’m going to hate you or anything.” Kyuhyun leans forward, closer to Jongwoon. “Come on, tell me.”
“There’s nothing to tell.”
“You must know at least something.”
Jongwoon cuts him off with an aggressive kiss, unforgiving hands sliding up around his neck. Kyuhyun yelps out into his mouth, but groans as Jongwoon’s palm goes to the heat between his thighs.
***
Kyuhyun tries again; he’s always been stubborn, and he knows that Jongwoon can give into him. Will give into him. Kyuhyun is sure of it
So when they’re by the lake again, and their clothes are off, casually tossed aside, he opens his eyes and turns to Jongwoon, who is watching him.
“I don’t want to leave you,” says Kyuhyun, reaching to touch Jongwoon’s hand. Even as autumn leaves them, Jongwoon is still colder than the air, only not when lust is running through both their veins.
“I don’t want you to either.” Jongwoon turns to him. He looks so small, sprawled out on the grass.
“Why don’t you tell me where you’re going to stay?” says Kyuhyun soothingly. “Then I could find you. Maybe visit you for a little.”
Jongwoon’s calm demeanor slips off, and he watches Kyuhyun with calculating eyes.
“Don’t,” he says. Kyuhyun knows he is referring to more than their conversation.
“Why not?” presses Kyuhyun. “It’d be nice. You know, seeing you over the holidays.” He forces a smile.
Jongwoon does not smile back. “If you want to see me, stay here.”
“I can’t. You know that.” Kyuhyun’s gaze searches Jongwoon’s. “Why don’t you just tell me where you’re going? Where you’re from?”
“Nowhere.”
“Oh come on, you have to have come from somewhere.” Kyuhyun is sitting up now, moving closer so he can see Jongwoon properly. “And since when is it such a crime to see you?”
“It’s not,” says Jongwoon stubbornly. “It’s just none of your business. I don’t want you to care, so you’re not supposed to care.”
Kyuhyun sees red. “Oh, so now you can tell me what to do?” he says angrily.
Jongwoon’s face falls. “No! I just-You’re the one being a dick!” He scrambles up and looks Kyuhyun defiantly in the eye. “You’re the one who keeps asking me questions, things that you’re not supposed to be worried about! Things you’re not supposed to care about!”
“Yeah, well I do!” Kyuhyun moves even closer, their naked bodies nearly touching. “And you’re being an asshole for not telling me anything-”
“You know enough! What I like, what I don’t like, what I listen to, how I feel!” Jongwoon glowers at him. “I can tell you whatever I want and there’s nothing you can do about it -”
“Well why don’t you tell me where you live?”
“Because I don’t want to!”
Kyuhyun attacks him with his mouth; Jongwoon kisses back fiercely, his nails digging into Kyuhyun’s back.
Kyuhyun fucks him, teeth harsh and grinding, and when they are done, he leaves.
***
Part II