What does this mean? Eye Opener
Today I read what One of my friends that i though and still hope will be there when were old and gray , I read what she really thinks of me it was a huge eye opener because i have never HEARD these EMOTIONS come out of her MOUTH but as i read the page i felt hurt i never REALIZED that she BLAMES me for this party i invited her to never realized
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comment 1) as i have explained in the past. I have more many years written in some form of journal in order for me to get my frustrations out, so that they DON'T affect others around me and my relationships with them- because mostly it's just feelings in my head, very sporadic and impulsive and non planned, at the best of times.
A journal is a place where i can vent my feelings, i haven't had a problem like this, because i haven't had any friends take what i say so very literally before- and for that i am sorry that you did.
comment 2) i can't believe that you would come to believe that what i say in regards one one TINY, INSIGNIFICANT situation, in the MASS-NESS of our whole lives, is what i think of you through and through. If you re-read over what i wrote ( which was written in a state of DRUNKEN-NESS, where people say all types of shit they don't even mean because they don't think it through), you would realize that i was frustrated at the SITUATION, not you in particular. I FELT ILL-PLACED. I FELT BAD. I perceived the situation in a certain way that night- but it doesn't mean i would judge you or your choices permanently by the way you acted ONE NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE!
Which is why i feel a bit pissed that you are judging me by something i wrote in MY OWN PERSONAL JOURNAL THAT MAYBE THREE PEOPLE, IF I'M LUCKY, READS- and IN A STATE OF DRUNKEN-NESS.
The entry wasn't centered on you at all, it was about MY feelings about a specific night of MY life, ( of which i am likely to forget, in the whole grand scheme of life)
comment 3) I have never judged you, nor your disability. You should i know that i have one of my own, and my brother has exactly what you have. I'm sorry if i mentioned something ( again in my own journal) about that, in which other's ( because you wanted it that way) didn't know. It leads me to believe you are ashamed of who you are, and your individual nature- which saddens me. I love you, and all of you, especially the off the wall parts.
What i wrote in my journal regarding that, was in my frustration towards the rich kids we were around, and how apart i felt from them because i just couldn't share their same views on life. I'm not that privileged, and it does hurt to see some kids parade their fortunes in front of me. It's also an insecurity that i don't feel good enough being next to them. I can't be judged for that, i'm sorry.
regardless, what this novel of a message boils down to, is that I truly did expect more maturity about this on your end, so you could see the bigger picture here....
and that it, it really wasn't about you, yes it mentioned you, but it was about ME, and MY FEELINGS, and what I perceived at that time to be happening, through My own bias lens. I was feeling shitty that night, and so i wrote it down to get it out. I don't take it as the truth, nor do i hold on to as solid fact to base any opinion of anyone on, nor should you.
I am what i am leah. I can't really apologize for it, especially when i vent my own feelings in my own space. i'm sorry that you felt hurt by it, but i truly didn't write anything bad. Sure, it could be construed as negative, but only by someone who had a negative outlook on you to begin with, and the only person i can think of right now is you. Those are truly your own issues, and i can't really change what affects you and what doesn't in life. I also will not censor my feelings or thoughts in my own personal space, a journal, which we all should know is full of shit anyway, in order to make someone else feel better about themselves, because ultimately the journal is mine, and about me, not anyone else.
What i can do however is make sure that you, since you are so affected by it, doesn't have access anymore to it. my writing is my way of getting my shit out of my head. The way i shoo them it is to physically write it out.
I still hope we can continue a friendship, as my views on you and who you are and how much i love you, haven't changed at all. I will leave it to you to decide whether or not one night at a party, and one entry in a one journal, within millions of journals on the internet, in the whole grand scheme of life, is really worth demolishing a 15 year friendship.
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