Momentary Lapse
Hey ladies! It's been a while since I've posted but there is no one else for me to talk to right now, no one else that will understand without judging... so, here's what happened. I'm falling hard for this guy P but the situation is complicated because we're both in middle of divorces. He hit on me a few weeks ago and since then I've felt more alive than I have in months! One touch and I bloomed. Every few days he says he likes me, I like him ectera. Last nite him and C, his soon to be ex, were sitting around just hanging out and drinking. They walked me home at 1am and I forced myself to puke up the hours of drinking because I felt like they were rejecting me. Then, I was like panicking and took an ambien thinking it would help me calm down. Then I got the bright idea that I shouldstart cutting my thighs but I didnt, in fact, I thought I cant be alone so I'll walk back over to my friends house. I did, and C was crying cause she was upset and I cried and I thought, lets have a drink. I poured alot of stoli into my juice glass and jugged. At this point, I forgot I took ambien. Yall can see where this is going right? I went upstairs and woke P and he started kissing me and I said no cause C and the kid were like nearby. Then, I blogged on myspace with C outside and that's the last thing I remember. C told me this morning that P asked her to tell me to stop hitting on him because it makes him uncomfortable. I thought my heart would break, she also said P said I molested him last night when he clearly came onto me first! Like I said, him kissing me FIRST was one of the fews things I remember. So yeah, it hurt me really bad for C to say he doesn't want me to bother him anymore. I just want to cry and cant I feel so numb and irritated that I was naive to think there might've been something there worth pursuing. The upside to this shitty situation is that I've learned NOT TO DEPEND ON OTHERS for anything, they always disappoint. Today I'm going to purge everything I eat because its all I can do. It's better than trying to fing hurt myself in other ways. Sigh... I was getting so much better... part of me knows this is a temporary lapse but IT HURTS. I HURT! "This too shall pass" is a great quote and I keep repeating it but I don't believe it yet...