You know... I don't know...
I don't really know how I feel right now. I just talked to matt for 4 hours... 2 of which he was crying. I wouldn't speak to him after I told him I was pregnant (BTW which I am not anymore)... he would call and I'd hang up, so he called Micah and asked him to get me to call him. So 3 days later I decided to call him.
The first thing I said was "why would it matter if I had told you?" and he said because he cared about it and i asked 'it?' and he said yeah, and he cared about me.. and then I said you don't care about me, set me free why dont you? You dont really love me, you just keep me hanging on...You dont want only me... so let me move on.
He kept telling me he loved me and I told him he couldnt, because he didnt even know me, know what I liked or where I wanted to go or what I wanted. you can't love someone you dont even know. and he started crying. And as we talked, i started to cry too because he said that he did love me, and I told him i cared about him but I couldnt love him the way he thinks he loves me, 1) because he's hurt me so many times before and im not dumb enough to get back into that, and 2) because im in love with someone else. And i started to cry because he kept saying that he did love me, and he would just accept that he'd never have me... and I begged him to stop saying that because it kinda made me face reality, and it said that people may not end up with who they love... and it got me thinking about not ending up with the person i loved and made me realize I might have no chance, and its like a big triangle: Matt's in love with me, I'm in love with Micah, and Micah's in love with Amber. But Amber is in love with Kevin and she' the only one that has found happiness in our lil group. I told matt this and he finally stopped saying he loved me. And he asked why I had never told him that i'd loved micah.
Well it was just too much for me cuz he said he knew he loved me and it wasnt a crush because he'd felt this way since he met me... and that's the same way with micah for me. So when I finally told him that, he quit cuz he knew it was upsetting me.
then we just talked about stuff,a nd about old times. Then we hung up and I called amber, and talked to her... i really miss her. And I usually feel better when I work things out by talking to her, and I really do. Even though her phone disconnected us before we were done, I feel better. I actually looked at myself and felt beautiful.. almost sexy.. for the first time in a LONG LONG LONG time. I actually feel kinda good about myself and I'm not sure why. I almost feel... happy.
I'm glad Micah wont be in my school this coming sememster, it will give me more time to study and really do well and throw myself into my work. That is what I really need right now. Amber talked about how she needed to fill up her time, and that's what I need too... which I plan on doing. to keep me off my ass, Im gonna go to photot or ceramics after school almost daily, and then go to the gym, and then come home and do homework. And hopefully I will have found a job so I will have no time to feel bad and I'll just be so busy that it will give things a time to work themselves out, which might be the right thing to do right now.
I feel good about this.
I feel confident.
I feel like I'm closer to knowing what I want.
I feel like I'm closer to getting what I want.
I feel a little better.
I feel ...
The first thing I said was "why would it matter if I had told you?" and he said because he cared about it and i asked 'it?' and he said yeah, and he cared about me.. and then I said you don't care about me, set me free why dont you? You dont really love me, you just keep me hanging on...You dont want only me... so let me move on.
He kept telling me he loved me and I told him he couldnt, because he didnt even know me, know what I liked or where I wanted to go or what I wanted. you can't love someone you dont even know. and he started crying. And as we talked, i started to cry too because he said that he did love me, and I told him i cared about him but I couldnt love him the way he thinks he loves me, 1) because he's hurt me so many times before and im not dumb enough to get back into that, and 2) because im in love with someone else. And i started to cry because he kept saying that he did love me, and he would just accept that he'd never have me... and I begged him to stop saying that because it kinda made me face reality, and it said that people may not end up with who they love... and it got me thinking about not ending up with the person i loved and made me realize I might have no chance, and its like a big triangle: Matt's in love with me, I'm in love with Micah, and Micah's in love with Amber. But Amber is in love with Kevin and she' the only one that has found happiness in our lil group. I told matt this and he finally stopped saying he loved me. And he asked why I had never told him that i'd loved micah.
Well it was just too much for me cuz he said he knew he loved me and it wasnt a crush because he'd felt this way since he met me... and that's the same way with micah for me. So when I finally told him that, he quit cuz he knew it was upsetting me.
then we just talked about stuff,a nd about old times. Then we hung up and I called amber, and talked to her... i really miss her. And I usually feel better when I work things out by talking to her, and I really do. Even though her phone disconnected us before we were done, I feel better. I actually looked at myself and felt beautiful.. almost sexy.. for the first time in a LONG LONG LONG time. I actually feel kinda good about myself and I'm not sure why. I almost feel... happy.
I'm glad Micah wont be in my school this coming sememster, it will give me more time to study and really do well and throw myself into my work. That is what I really need right now. Amber talked about how she needed to fill up her time, and that's what I need too... which I plan on doing. to keep me off my ass, Im gonna go to photot or ceramics after school almost daily, and then go to the gym, and then come home and do homework. And hopefully I will have found a job so I will have no time to feel bad and I'll just be so busy that it will give things a time to work themselves out, which might be the right thing to do right now.
I feel good about this.
I feel confident.
I feel like I'm closer to knowing what I want.
I feel like I'm closer to getting what I want.
I feel a little better.
I feel ...