(no subject)
I realize that I never post on livejournal, I just got this weird urge to write something when I was online and on the wesleyan website.
Lately, I've been trying to get to know some wesleyan kids to feel more comfortable with the whole process of walking into a room and not knowing a single person. I guess it was a good idea to begin with, but it's making me more uncomfortable with each new person that I talk to. The reason, I guess, is that I constantly feel the need to impress all of my peers (it may be an inferiority complex? or not feeling adequate in a competitive environment). Some person that I had shared maybe 10 words with asked me what my favorite book was, and all of these thoughts came rushing through my head as I went through an evaluation of what was the most influential/complex/impressive book that I had ever read (not necessarily the one that I KNEW that I enjoyed most). I caught myself doing this, and I felt ashamed. The fact of the matter is that I do this with most everyone that I know. I love having friends who are smart and involved and unique, but I am such a competitive person. For some reason, I feel some wrong satisfaction in knowing that I am at least better than someone else in some way, and that the real person that I am is unimpressive or ordinary. I tell stories to people over and over so that they will laugh and laugh, but really, I'm pretty boring. I can't stand to think that someone will bore of me. I don't think that I can hide it anymore, and I don't want to. They will see right through the overreaching and the stupid stories, and I am so scared that they will see my thoughts as contrived...or worse, someone else's. And now, I've forced myself to enjoy things that I don't so much that everything i lie about i believe.
I truly do want to be a genuine person, but it's hard for me. There are a lot of aspects of my personality that I am trying to change, like thinking about myself too much or not having too much grace or intelligence. I dont think that I'm being self-depricating, just observant. The confusion in this whole event is whether or not I'm to embrace my flaws and live my own life, free from the opinions of everyone else and grounded in my own TRUE genuine and self-taught ideals.... or to continue as i am, too worried about every passing person on the street, wondering what passing cars are thinking of me when i walk down the street (turning and watching them, or calculating every step in rhythm so that they may not notice that i am noticing them everywhere i go)
and even if i wanted the former, i have no idea how to get there
Lately, I've been trying to get to know some wesleyan kids to feel more comfortable with the whole process of walking into a room and not knowing a single person. I guess it was a good idea to begin with, but it's making me more uncomfortable with each new person that I talk to. The reason, I guess, is that I constantly feel the need to impress all of my peers (it may be an inferiority complex? or not feeling adequate in a competitive environment). Some person that I had shared maybe 10 words with asked me what my favorite book was, and all of these thoughts came rushing through my head as I went through an evaluation of what was the most influential/complex/impressive book that I had ever read (not necessarily the one that I KNEW that I enjoyed most). I caught myself doing this, and I felt ashamed. The fact of the matter is that I do this with most everyone that I know. I love having friends who are smart and involved and unique, but I am such a competitive person. For some reason, I feel some wrong satisfaction in knowing that I am at least better than someone else in some way, and that the real person that I am is unimpressive or ordinary. I tell stories to people over and over so that they will laugh and laugh, but really, I'm pretty boring. I can't stand to think that someone will bore of me. I don't think that I can hide it anymore, and I don't want to. They will see right through the overreaching and the stupid stories, and I am so scared that they will see my thoughts as contrived...or worse, someone else's. And now, I've forced myself to enjoy things that I don't so much that everything i lie about i believe.
I truly do want to be a genuine person, but it's hard for me. There are a lot of aspects of my personality that I am trying to change, like thinking about myself too much or not having too much grace or intelligence. I dont think that I'm being self-depricating, just observant. The confusion in this whole event is whether or not I'm to embrace my flaws and live my own life, free from the opinions of everyone else and grounded in my own TRUE genuine and self-taught ideals.... or to continue as i am, too worried about every passing person on the street, wondering what passing cars are thinking of me when i walk down the street (turning and watching them, or calculating every step in rhythm so that they may not notice that i am noticing them everywhere i go)
and even if i wanted the former, i have no idea how to get there