This is why I love Wesleyan.
Freshman housing groups degenerate into warring tribes: like Mad Max, except with New England liberal arts kids
By Alex "Chief Sitting Shiva" Gelman
The unbearable anxiety that inexorably befalls all Wesleyan freshmen during the period of room selection came to a bloody, brutal climax this past Sunday at Mocon dining hall. Many basking in the bounty of Hamburger Helper watched in horror as the circular dining hall devolved into a circle of death.
Alicia Froehlich and Helena Cortez provided the spark that lit the fuse on the tinderbox of freshman housing selection. (They're obviously both freshmen, so I don't have to put the little "'08" there… assfuck.) After Froehlich learned that Cortez desired to live in WestCo, and not in a two-room double in the Nics with Froehlich as they had planned, Froehlich, according to one stunned onlooker, "flipped the fuck out." Sources say that Froehlich proceeded to slam Cortez's head into a clear plastic sneeze-guard, then shoved her swollen cranium into a tub of rainbow pistachio/cat feces ice cream. Cortez attempted to retaliate, but irreparable damage had been done to her central nervous system. Witnesses reported hearing the words "skank," "slut," and "parachute-for-a-vagina" come out of both girls' mouths numerous times. This was noted as odd, considering that the confrontation had absolutely nothing to do with the girls' libidinous sexual natures.
Eyewitness reports of the events following the initial fracas are spotty at best. The few who made it out alive, their physical scars surpassed only by their emotional ones, say the ensuing orgiastic carnage resembled the ending scene in Mean Girls (which was, like, totally fucking robbed at the Oscars. I mean, Lindsay Lohan's bra should have at least gotten a Best Supporting Actress nod- zing!). The bloodshed soon spilled out onto the campus, as students began hurling rocks and sticks at those associated with opposing housing groups, in addition to loudly grunting and beating their chests to prove their own might. Basically, it looked a lot like Trinity. (Gelman: 1, Trinity: nothing.)
Soon, freshmen clad in Burberry loincloths and Chanel war paint were nomadically roaming the campus, hunting for food, water, and spacious two-room doubles with balconies. "This bitch was about to snag this sweet single in Hewitt, but before she could I crushed her fucking skull with a rock," said Aaron Neuberg. Neuberg added, "BRRR-RAT-BRAT-TAT-TAT-TAT! BLUCKA-BLUCKA!" while doing that cool finger-snapping thing. In a cruel twist of irony, Neuberg got his ass capped with a Glock moments later, reaffirming the interminable cycle of death and gore that freshman housing selection has brought about.
When asked to comment on the situation, Maureen Isleib, Interim Director of Reslife, was unable to be found, apparently hiding out seven miles below the earth in her fortified bunker. Students are currently attempting to reach her by constructing a drill from paper clips, Mocon trays, and discarded political fliers. According to sources within Reslife, the bunker has enough room for a mini-fridge and a ping-pong table.
By Alex "Chief Sitting Shiva" Gelman
The unbearable anxiety that inexorably befalls all Wesleyan freshmen during the period of room selection came to a bloody, brutal climax this past Sunday at Mocon dining hall. Many basking in the bounty of Hamburger Helper watched in horror as the circular dining hall devolved into a circle of death.
Alicia Froehlich and Helena Cortez provided the spark that lit the fuse on the tinderbox of freshman housing selection. (They're obviously both freshmen, so I don't have to put the little "'08" there… assfuck.) After Froehlich learned that Cortez desired to live in WestCo, and not in a two-room double in the Nics with Froehlich as they had planned, Froehlich, according to one stunned onlooker, "flipped the fuck out." Sources say that Froehlich proceeded to slam Cortez's head into a clear plastic sneeze-guard, then shoved her swollen cranium into a tub of rainbow pistachio/cat feces ice cream. Cortez attempted to retaliate, but irreparable damage had been done to her central nervous system. Witnesses reported hearing the words "skank," "slut," and "parachute-for-a-vagina" come out of both girls' mouths numerous times. This was noted as odd, considering that the confrontation had absolutely nothing to do with the girls' libidinous sexual natures.
Eyewitness reports of the events following the initial fracas are spotty at best. The few who made it out alive, their physical scars surpassed only by their emotional ones, say the ensuing orgiastic carnage resembled the ending scene in Mean Girls (which was, like, totally fucking robbed at the Oscars. I mean, Lindsay Lohan's bra should have at least gotten a Best Supporting Actress nod- zing!). The bloodshed soon spilled out onto the campus, as students began hurling rocks and sticks at those associated with opposing housing groups, in addition to loudly grunting and beating their chests to prove their own might. Basically, it looked a lot like Trinity. (Gelman: 1, Trinity: nothing.)
Soon, freshmen clad in Burberry loincloths and Chanel war paint were nomadically roaming the campus, hunting for food, water, and spacious two-room doubles with balconies. "This bitch was about to snag this sweet single in Hewitt, but before she could I crushed her fucking skull with a rock," said Aaron Neuberg. Neuberg added, "BRRR-RAT-BRAT-TAT-TAT-TAT! BLUCKA-BLUCKA!" while doing that cool finger-snapping thing. In a cruel twist of irony, Neuberg got his ass capped with a Glock moments later, reaffirming the interminable cycle of death and gore that freshman housing selection has brought about.
When asked to comment on the situation, Maureen Isleib, Interim Director of Reslife, was unable to be found, apparently hiding out seven miles below the earth in her fortified bunker. Students are currently attempting to reach her by constructing a drill from paper clips, Mocon trays, and discarded political fliers. According to sources within Reslife, the bunker has enough room for a mini-fridge and a ping-pong table.