words i can't say
layhan ; angst ; pg
~ wc : 850
a/n: follow up to this and this.
words i can't say
Yixing was looking straight at him with wide beseeching eyes. His heart skipped a couple of beats. Eyes, almond-shaped brown eyes, chocolate orbs that were both pleading and hopeful at the same time. And just like that, Lu Han’s shoddy wall of resistance started crumbling.
He hesitates, hovering uncertainly in the doorway with a pounding heart, arm outstretched - slender fingers of his right hand curled around the metal doorknob that was cool to the touch to his feverish skin.
Lu Han thinks that he might have caught a strange and unusual bug. What else could explain the fact that he was completely fine barely thirty seconds ago but now feels as if his entire body was on fire. Just because his best friend was looking at him. It didn’t make any sense at all. How can a perfectly healthy body go haywire just because there’s an extra pair of eyes on it, right? Chocolate brown eyes that weren’t his, but still. It just didn’t make sense. The entire situation makes absolutely no sense.
Just like how his best friend of more than a decade was suddenly making him feel all these sensations. Sensations that he has come to associate with a lover, a partner, and not..a best friend. Which was what Yixing was. That’s all he is, nothing less nothing more, right? A best friend, Lu Han’s one and only irreplaceable best friend.
Right.
A best friend shouldn’t make him experience feelings of longing. A best friend’s face shouldn’t suddenly appear in his mind when he jerks himself off under a hot rush of water in the showers. Said best friend’s name shouldn’t be the name falling from his trembling lips in breathy moans even after the water turns cool.
He shouldn’t be imagining his best friend’s long pale fingers whenever he wraps his own around his cock or when he gingerly inserts the digits into himself - wet warm walls clenching, face scrunching, mouth open in a silent scream, and distracted mind filled with Yixing Yixing Yixing.
Yixing shouldn’t be the reason for his incessant pacing outside the front door of their shared apartment, keys clutched painfully tight in his hand, heart beating wildly with hesitation.
Yixing, as his best friend, shouldn’t be the reason for his insides twisting uncomfortably and heart dropping upon seeing him and Sehun, YixingandSehun.
Yixing should never be the reason for Lu Han’s being in love with an unreachable dream.
But he is. He’s everything he shouldn’t be, and Lu Han, Lu Han’s so confused. And lost.
Because somewhere along the years of friendship, he fell in love with his best friend. But like a fool, he brushed that feeling away, mistaking it for nothing more than friendly affection, till it’s too late. Much too late.
And now Yixing has found a partner in the freshman toothpick, and Lu Han can only watch silently by the side-lines with an aching heart, because Sehun makes Yixing so happy, and Yixing loves Sehun, and Lu Han - Lu Han has lost his chance.
-
“Xiao Lu? Is something wrong?”
And it hurts, it hurts so bad. He can’t do anything; he doesn’t know what to do.
Because Lu Han has long since lost his chance, and second chances don’t come easy, or in this case, it doesn’t come at all.
“Lu Han, please talk to me. You’ve been so distant lately. What’s wrong?”
He takes a step back; arms limp at his sides, fingers curled in tight fists.
He can’t do this.
Yixing throws the bed covers off him, gets to his feet, take three long strides towards the older boy.
No no no, don’t do this to me.
Eyes widening, Lu Han takes yet another step back.
“What the hell are you doing, Lu?” the younger boy frowns. “Why are you running away from me?”
The elder presses his lips together and refuses to speak, gaze lowering to his socked feet.
Yixing makes a sound of irritation, “Aren’t we best friends? Why can’t you just tell me what’s wrong?”
“Did I do something? Has anything changed? Talk to me, stop pushing me away.”
Yes and no. Nothing, everything. Nothing that’s your fault, but everything that matters to me.
Lu Han closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath to steady himself as much as he possibly can. “Yixing please.”
He looks up and whispers, “算我求你好了，放过我吧.” (Take it as I’m begging you, please let me go.)
The younger boy looks back with an expression of utmost confusion. “What are you even saying? I - I don’t understand.”
Lu Han says nothing, turning around and walking away with heavy steps.
I’m sorry, Yixing. Forgive me.
“哥.”
He stops in his tracks, doesn’t turn around.
“我爱你，我想你，回到我身边好吗?” (I love you, I miss you. Come back to me?)
Lu Han continues walking.
-
你别傻了. (Dont be silly.)
-
~ wc : 850
a/n: follow up to this and this.
words i can't say
Yixing was looking straight at him with wide beseeching eyes. His heart skipped a couple of beats. Eyes, almond-shaped brown eyes, chocolate orbs that were both pleading and hopeful at the same time. And just like that, Lu Han’s shoddy wall of resistance started crumbling.
He hesitates, hovering uncertainly in the doorway with a pounding heart, arm outstretched - slender fingers of his right hand curled around the metal doorknob that was cool to the touch to his feverish skin.
Lu Han thinks that he might have caught a strange and unusual bug. What else could explain the fact that he was completely fine barely thirty seconds ago but now feels as if his entire body was on fire. Just because his best friend was looking at him. It didn’t make any sense at all. How can a perfectly healthy body go haywire just because there’s an extra pair of eyes on it, right? Chocolate brown eyes that weren’t his, but still. It just didn’t make sense. The entire situation makes absolutely no sense.
Just like how his best friend of more than a decade was suddenly making him feel all these sensations. Sensations that he has come to associate with a lover, a partner, and not..a best friend. Which was what Yixing was. That’s all he is, nothing less nothing more, right? A best friend, Lu Han’s one and only irreplaceable best friend.
Right.
A best friend shouldn’t make him experience feelings of longing. A best friend’s face shouldn’t suddenly appear in his mind when he jerks himself off under a hot rush of water in the showers. Said best friend’s name shouldn’t be the name falling from his trembling lips in breathy moans even after the water turns cool.
He shouldn’t be imagining his best friend’s long pale fingers whenever he wraps his own around his cock or when he gingerly inserts the digits into himself - wet warm walls clenching, face scrunching, mouth open in a silent scream, and distracted mind filled with Yixing Yixing Yixing.
Yixing shouldn’t be the reason for his incessant pacing outside the front door of their shared apartment, keys clutched painfully tight in his hand, heart beating wildly with hesitation.
Yixing, as his best friend, shouldn’t be the reason for his insides twisting uncomfortably and heart dropping upon seeing him and Sehun, YixingandSehun.
Yixing should never be the reason for Lu Han’s being in love with an unreachable dream.
But he is. He’s everything he shouldn’t be, and Lu Han, Lu Han’s so confused. And lost.
Because somewhere along the years of friendship, he fell in love with his best friend. But like a fool, he brushed that feeling away, mistaking it for nothing more than friendly affection, till it’s too late. Much too late.
And now Yixing has found a partner in the freshman toothpick, and Lu Han can only watch silently by the side-lines with an aching heart, because Sehun makes Yixing so happy, and Yixing loves Sehun, and Lu Han - Lu Han has lost his chance.
-
“Xiao Lu? Is something wrong?”
And it hurts, it hurts so bad. He can’t do anything; he doesn’t know what to do.
Because Lu Han has long since lost his chance, and second chances don’t come easy, or in this case, it doesn’t come at all.
“Lu Han, please talk to me. You’ve been so distant lately. What’s wrong?”
He takes a step back; arms limp at his sides, fingers curled in tight fists.
He can’t do this.
Yixing throws the bed covers off him, gets to his feet, take three long strides towards the older boy.
No no no, don’t do this to me.
Eyes widening, Lu Han takes yet another step back.
“What the hell are you doing, Lu?” the younger boy frowns. “Why are you running away from me?”
The elder presses his lips together and refuses to speak, gaze lowering to his socked feet.
Yixing makes a sound of irritation, “Aren’t we best friends? Why can’t you just tell me what’s wrong?”
“Did I do something? Has anything changed? Talk to me, stop pushing me away.”
Yes and no. Nothing, everything. Nothing that’s your fault, but everything that matters to me.
Lu Han closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath to steady himself as much as he possibly can. “Yixing please.”
He looks up and whispers, “算我求你好了，放过我吧.” (Take it as I’m begging you, please let me go.)
The younger boy looks back with an expression of utmost confusion. “What are you even saying? I - I don’t understand.”
Lu Han says nothing, turning around and walking away with heavy steps.
I’m sorry, Yixing. Forgive me.
“哥.”
He stops in his tracks, doesn’t turn around.
“我爱你，我想你，回到我身边好吗?” (I love you, I miss you. Come back to me?)
Lu Han continues walking.
-
你别傻了. (Dont be silly.)
-