Wow....things...are....actually looking up!!
Well it's been a little bit but I wanted some good news and I got some.
First, the Starbucks gig is going very well. I am catching on "very quickly and doing good like I thought you would" according to my manager. I like the job and am happy to have it. HAPPY THAT I LEFT SUBWAY cause I may not be feeling happier if not. Meeting a lot of awesome people and already making new friends. Now, if I could just get hottie Scottie to....uh, I mean it's cool. No sex though, still asexual!
Second, got an interview on Tuesday with The Public Interests Communications. They deal with gay rights, women's right, abortion rights, Taliban rights (I'm kidding), but you get the drift. They start at $10 an hour and the shift is 5:30 pm to 10:30 pm. Perfect. They will work around Starbucks and even offer schedule changes for those with first jobs. I would be communicating with their members, even telemarketing but I don't care. I feel very good about this and good about actually pursuing things that make me feel positive and contributing.
As much as these recent changes have scared the shit out of me, taught me who my true friends are, they have significant purpose and all have fallen into place appropriately. Sure, I'm broke and have been for over a month, sure I have had many, many sleepless nights wondering if I did this to myself for other reasons, but I am starting to get it. I had to fall, and fall I did. I owe my mother about $500 dollars, have racked up a few bills, but it could have been A LOT worse. I am mending, inside and out and had to. My life was becoming an aimless pit of slakc and despair. Everyday I wake up and remind myself that my life will get better and that I will not always feel this way. Aside from loneliness and sometime lack of will of any kind, I am starting to understand. That is the only way I can explain it.
This brings me to this: my life has to change, HAS TO. Friends, familiarities, comfort zones, etc. My "old" friends from way back still see me as this loser who will never change, flip-flop, etc., and I can and will. However, being around any negative non-supportive force is what I am steering clear of. It bears no bad feelings about anyone in particular or anything I just need people to understand this. I can no longer side-step myself for others while having them not do this for me (not everyone obviously, believe without some of you I'd be shit and I have stressed this). I am just being honest and while I've grown and watched my oldest friends change and grow as well I have enbraced them and supported them always. Vice versa isn't always the situation and knowing that some of them will forever see me as this "loser" is exactly what I am getting away from and will. Like I said, it's not cause I hate anyone or bear any resentment; I can't stress enough how much that is not the case. I just want to move out of the "Kelly will never change" cloud. I just am who I am and I think people forget sometimes how badly they have failed and had people bring them back up. Or, it's merely that they simply can't get a person who has to have everything skecthed out and "safe". That is not me and never has been and maybe one day if I feel that safe I'll enclose my "bubble" and keep it my way or the highway. Until then, it ain't me, sorry.
I just want to live. I want to feel something too. I want love, comfort, acceptance, all the things others either have or strive for themselves. I am finding out that I can achieve these things on my own. I am also finding out that embracing "my own" everything is well overdue. Even hitting the movies by myself. Going to the museum, anything. As I am frequently told "it's your responsibility, blah, blah, and more blah" well that's right and it is. I will simply do everything on my own. I have no qwams with that. My family is gone, I rarely hear from anyone except for a select few, and I have no problems with that. It's time I do things for me. I will.
Like I said, a 1000 times over, this is just what I'm thinking and not "hating" of any kind. Perceive as you will but just know that I get it and I'm taking my business elsewhere. Elsewhere meaning my elsewhere, meaning I have to go where the love is not the constant judgments, put-downs, lack of any kind of faith, the "buts" all the time, just any of that. NO ONE is perfect no matter how good they think they have it. Just remember, you can blanket things all you want and seek solace in thinking that just because on the outside you're better, when all the while your insides have run amok. We can all pretend, but I can't anymore and have learned a valuable lesson through all this. I'm who I have and that's it. I take none of you for granted and appreciate those who have always been there. I shouldn't have to repeat that. You know you rock. Now let me rock too!
First, the Starbucks gig is going very well. I am catching on "very quickly and doing good like I thought you would" according to my manager. I like the job and am happy to have it. HAPPY THAT I LEFT SUBWAY cause I may not be feeling happier if not. Meeting a lot of awesome people and already making new friends. Now, if I could just get hottie Scottie to....uh, I mean it's cool. No sex though, still asexual!
Second, got an interview on Tuesday with The Public Interests Communications. They deal with gay rights, women's right, abortion rights, Taliban rights (I'm kidding), but you get the drift. They start at $10 an hour and the shift is 5:30 pm to 10:30 pm. Perfect. They will work around Starbucks and even offer schedule changes for those with first jobs. I would be communicating with their members, even telemarketing but I don't care. I feel very good about this and good about actually pursuing things that make me feel positive and contributing.
As much as these recent changes have scared the shit out of me, taught me who my true friends are, they have significant purpose and all have fallen into place appropriately. Sure, I'm broke and have been for over a month, sure I have had many, many sleepless nights wondering if I did this to myself for other reasons, but I am starting to get it. I had to fall, and fall I did. I owe my mother about $500 dollars, have racked up a few bills, but it could have been A LOT worse. I am mending, inside and out and had to. My life was becoming an aimless pit of slakc and despair. Everyday I wake up and remind myself that my life will get better and that I will not always feel this way. Aside from loneliness and sometime lack of will of any kind, I am starting to understand. That is the only way I can explain it.
This brings me to this: my life has to change, HAS TO. Friends, familiarities, comfort zones, etc. My "old" friends from way back still see me as this loser who will never change, flip-flop, etc., and I can and will. However, being around any negative non-supportive force is what I am steering clear of. It bears no bad feelings about anyone in particular or anything I just need people to understand this. I can no longer side-step myself for others while having them not do this for me (not everyone obviously, believe without some of you I'd be shit and I have stressed this). I am just being honest and while I've grown and watched my oldest friends change and grow as well I have enbraced them and supported them always. Vice versa isn't always the situation and knowing that some of them will forever see me as this "loser" is exactly what I am getting away from and will. Like I said, it's not cause I hate anyone or bear any resentment; I can't stress enough how much that is not the case. I just want to move out of the "Kelly will never change" cloud. I just am who I am and I think people forget sometimes how badly they have failed and had people bring them back up. Or, it's merely that they simply can't get a person who has to have everything skecthed out and "safe". That is not me and never has been and maybe one day if I feel that safe I'll enclose my "bubble" and keep it my way or the highway. Until then, it ain't me, sorry.
I just want to live. I want to feel something too. I want love, comfort, acceptance, all the things others either have or strive for themselves. I am finding out that I can achieve these things on my own. I am also finding out that embracing "my own" everything is well overdue. Even hitting the movies by myself. Going to the museum, anything. As I am frequently told "it's your responsibility, blah, blah, and more blah" well that's right and it is. I will simply do everything on my own. I have no qwams with that. My family is gone, I rarely hear from anyone except for a select few, and I have no problems with that. It's time I do things for me. I will.
Like I said, a 1000 times over, this is just what I'm thinking and not "hating" of any kind. Perceive as you will but just know that I get it and I'm taking my business elsewhere. Elsewhere meaning my elsewhere, meaning I have to go where the love is not the constant judgments, put-downs, lack of any kind of faith, the "buts" all the time, just any of that. NO ONE is perfect no matter how good they think they have it. Just remember, you can blanket things all you want and seek solace in thinking that just because on the outside you're better, when all the while your insides have run amok. We can all pretend, but I can't anymore and have learned a valuable lesson through all this. I'm who I have and that's it. I take none of you for granted and appreciate those who have always been there. I shouldn't have to repeat that. You know you rock. Now let me rock too!