(no subject)
Sometimes you can get so used to something that you don’t want to change. Sometimes you can get so attached to something that you don’t want to let go. And sometimes you can not change and not let go until it hurts. Nothing is meant to last forever, and the only thing that can make that worse is not recognizing when it’s over. Changing is hard. Staying in something bad is harder. Sometimes you just have to ask yourself: do you ever get the feeling that it is over?
Don’t just sit around regretting.
If all you do is sit and think about all the bad things that happened, then it is all pointless. Make sure you remember the good. That’s what the reason for it all is. To make sure that in the limited time that you get, you make the best of what you can, and then remember the good and forget the bad. But to forget is the sweetest joy that one cannot remember.
I wanted to change but it was so hard to. Jumping from extreme to extreme, that’s what it was. It wasn’t even that long an amount of time, when you look at the big picture, but for that two and a half years it seemed endless. I no longer knew what to do with myself, as though I had forgotten all those years beforehand. It almost seemed like that instead of changing, I should just revert back to how life was before.
And even though I didn’t want to, and even though I knew I shouldn’t, and even though I promised myself I wouldn't do this again, I did. It’s almost as though I couldn’t function without having that anymore, but that made no sense. I was always the one who didn’t care about that, and now I couldn’t function without it? Most of all, I didn’t want to accidentally drag someone else into this and hurt someone else.
I needed some time, to sit alone and just look at the stars. To figure out for myself what happened, what’s happening, and what will happen. I didn’t want to leave anything not thought of, not speculated, not wondered about. I wanted to make sure that it all made sense.
And there’s nothing wrong with that.
It was only then that I understood I wasn't alone. As special as you may think your own problems are, everyone has them. This doesn’t really help to promote the fact in your mind that there is a reason for you to be here, that you are special, when you find out that you really are unique… just like everyone else. Thinking like this doesn’t help with that, but it certainly can help you not be so upset sometimes.
It may have been pretty hard sometimes, but it got better and better everyday. I can’t remember being happy towards the end, and since I’m happy now, obviously this was the right choice. The right choice is hardly ever the easiest, or the least painful. Most times the right choice is the one that tears you apart until you think you can’t go on, but it will all work out in the end.
But for the time being, I like being here. I'm ready again. Things don’t have to always be so perfect. Perfection is boring. Life is boring without a least a few waves.