Picture this...
It is a beautiful Fall morning, the air is crisp and you have the top down on the car. Life is good, besides Beltway traffic, you are having a great morning. Just coming off a successful weekend with Ranger Rick, in fact he is tucked in his travel case in the backseat. He is HUGE so, well you can't really see out the back, but you got mirrors right?
You hit the toll road and just punch the gas a little more, since the day is pretty and you are super happy. You just want to get to work a wee bit early to return Ranger Rick to his caretaker and get to your 10am meeting with coffee. You hear that there is a special surprise waiting for you, so the urgency is all the more intense. In the pretty sunshine, with the wheel of a little sporty machine in your hands, 83 miles an hour feels like nothing.
Apparently it ain't really nothing to the Dulles Metropolitan Police Department and the Commonwealth of Virginia!
As I looked back, I saw some fucknut run right up on my bumper when my front wheel just crossed the dashed line of my exit. I was like, what the deuce, then I saw the lights, it woulda been helpful to hear the siren. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers.
Thus begins my saga of a bureacratic nightmare.
As the cop pulls me over, he asked me how fast I was going, I was honest and said, I don't know. I was stepping on it to get to work since I had Ranger Rick in the backseat and I was on a deadline. I promised to slow down, he said, license and registration please. He asked if I had any known issues with my stuff and I replied no.
Oy! Was that the wrong answer.
My license had expired, which I found out right before I went to Detroit, but Maryland will let you have a 6 month grace period. It was on my to do list, I swear! I figured the cop would know that.
He comes back to the car with 3 loverly citations.
I call my boss, who is a helluva a guy, to come get me and Ranger Rick on the side of the road. Meanwhile, little did I know but my other big mouth co-worker had driven by me, not stopped to help and then announced it to my entire team that I was getting busted on the side of the road.
At this point, my little brain is reeling at having all my ID and vehicle seized. How will I get home? How will I get to work? How will I pay for it? Crappity, crap, crap and more crap!
My boss was cool, he said, let's go to MVA and get this all straightened out. He drove me home so I could get my passport and checkbook. Then to MVA. I asked the nice lady at the info desk where to go first. She suggested the first thing was the license. I got my new license without much hassle. I then went to vehicle services and they looked up the problem with my car. It appears as though I had old insurance lapse fines, they had not been an issue until July of this year when they went into "collections". With fines and fees and interest it all came to just over 1500 bucks! Christ on a cracka!
Lemme back up though, see if it had stopped there, I could have been ok with it all. The nice MVA lady then explained that their collections unit was in Largo, or way the fuck far away from where I was at that moment in time. My boss and I had to be back to the office at 3pm for a meeting with our VP, so no chance to resolve this at that moment. He said, look I can take you home later and we will figure stuff out. Since we did have a tiny bit of extra time, we went to Ikea and got shelves for the office. You know, Ikea is very soothing in times of crisis.
My boss forgot he had a date on Monday, so he offered to drop me in the city, near Adams Morgan. Normally, that would be ideal, but not so much on Monday with someone away in Detroit. I arranged for
trystoffate and
redindigo to come rescue me. I waited on the street corner till they came to get me. We all grabbed dinner and planned the attack for the morning.
trystoffate would pick me up at the ass crack of dawn and go to MVA with me. I was sure it would take only a short time to get everything squared away.
I spent the evening getting all of my car insurance paperwork in order and renewing my homeowner's policy at the same time. I didn't go to bed on time, I had to stay up way too late to see how they built the Mackinac Bridge...it was very important! I was up at 6:30am and prepping for my day. I had already taken a half day off, so I was hoping I would be able to just get everything done and still have my afternoon plans.
When Bun Bun and I got to MVA, there was a line around the building...ugh. We went in and waited in seperate lines, hoping a two pronged attack might be best. I got the first ticket for insurance compliance, woohoo! Poor Mr. Bun Bun had to go to work, so I went outside and made sure the big guy had directions and I grabbed my bag. I said, don't worry about me my friend, it should only be a little while longer and I can get a bus to the metro and figure it out from there!off went the Bun Bun mobile.
The woman behind the counter heard my tale of woe and said, you know Virginia is so dumb! They are not supposed to be takin' yo stuff like dat! She said, nothin in yo file says to do anything like that, so don't be hatin' Merllan! I almost threw up in my mouth a wee bit. She gave me all my paperwork to go pay. I get there they won't take a check, luckily my debit card held the $1500 fine. I then had to have Geico fax over extra paperwork, to verify coverage. I was feeling pretty good, until the lady said, you have other insurance lapses, those fines total $2285. Would you like to pay those now? Or make payment arrangements? At 17% interest? With 25% down today.
Fuck me, what choice did I have? My poor broke ass did have months of lapsed insurance, since over the last year it was all about the choices. Do I pay the IRS? Or go to jail? Do I pay my mortgage? Or lose my home? Do I repair the car? Or have no transportation? I could go on and on...
Back I go to the payment office to make another dent in my bank account. Then it was back to the nice compliance lady who gave me all my paperwork and payment info. She then provided me with all of the releases so I could then get my new license plates, since they had been seized by the cop. I wait in line again for a number to visit the license plate lady. I gave her all of my paperwork and she said, I need the replacement plate form. I was like, I don't have one. She gave it to me and then sent me off to fill it out. I came back and she typed in a bunch of info then scanned the screen about a bajillion times before saying, you are ineligible for new plates. You have violations outstanding.
No way, laday! I do not have any violation in the whole wide world. I just paid off all of it! See, the vein is still trickling just a little. She said, actually you do. You have a parking citation from July 21, 2005 in College Park. The original fine was 15 bucks but now you owe 40! I was like fine, just add it to my bill and I will pay you all together. She explained that College Park is a city and the MVA is run by the state and I would need to go to College Park and pay the fine, come back with paperwork and then she could sell me new plates. I about burst into tears at that very moment. I was like, um, what now. She left her desk for about 15 minutes and returned with the info I needed to call College Park and pay over the phone. She wrote down her fax number so I could have them fax it all over.
The College Park process was fairly easy, just given them my visa number and we were done. It took about 15 minutes to get the paperwork sent over. The MVA lady called me back up. She said, ok that will be $50. I said, it is only $20, the other lady told me. She said there is a $30 administrative fee. For what? Well, that ticket in College Park had to be removed from the system, so that I could get the new plates. Otherwise, I wouldn't get them! OMG, that was robbery...I swear! Fine, fine, fine just gimme my plates and paperwork.
I went outside and waited for Da Bus, I think it is The Bus, but in my county we all just say Da Bus. Well the stars were shining on me, as it was World Car Free Day! So the bus was free. I then rode it for what seemed like an eternity to the Largo Metro station. I was pretty fortunate that the night before my sweethearts had given me a loaded up Smart Trip card to cover all my public transit costs for the day. I texted from the Metro to let my afternoon plans know that I was in fact not going to make it...and would call later when I knew more.
I called the boss from the Metro and he said he would meet me at the station and drive me to the airport. Unfortunuately, I had no signal till I got to the station, so I called him when I got in. No answer. I waited around and he called and said it was best I take a cab. I hailed one and off to the airport we go. I asked the cab driver if he took credit cards, he said no. So then we went to the ATM, I got out a 100 bucks, to have some tooling around money later. We find the police station and I pay the driver.
I wait for an officer to come and let me in. Just my luck, he was a chatty Cathy who just wanted to let me know all about his experience of living in Maryland! He hated Maryland and loved Virginia. I was like really? I kind of hate Virginia, actually, just the Dulles Airport Police, since according to Maryland you took all my shit for NO good reason!
He was hurrying up a bit and then said, um, I hope you have cash since they tow company only takes cash. Wait, I thought the deal was the cops would tow my car and it would be so much better? What the hell? He says, it will be a minute, I need to find your car. I have the keys, but um, yeah, I need to locate the vehicle. You gotta be kidding me? Could it get worse?
Actually, yes. Yes it could and it would.
He locates the tow company who says they turned the car over to the airport valet. So it is in their impound lot, but somehow the cops have the keys! Brilliant!
The cop says that a shuttle will be arriving shortly to get me and take me to my car. I should pay the driver cash and show him my paperwork. In about 15 more minutes a very large, very stinky, very creepy man arrives and tells me he is here to take me to my car. I get in the van and he says, no sit up front. I was like, ok, fine. Wondering if now is when I say, dude I am a trained ninja killing machine, so no funny business. Instead, he tells me he has to go back to his office since he can't find the impound lot key. We get back there and he and his boss yell at each other for a while. They ask me to get out of the van to make sure that I am not sitting on the key. Finally, yelling boss and creepy man decide he should get out of the van and lo and behold, there are the keys.
Off we go to the impound lot which is in some weird restricted lot on the outer reaches of the airport. I see poor little Princess, stripped of her plates parked next to a burned out frame and a smashed up Bronco. It takes the dude about 5 minutes to explain that I should put my plates in the windows until someone can put them on for me. He has tools, but is not sure that they will work. I was like, yeah, I got tools, just let me out ,ok!?!?
I run to Princess and open the trunk and grab my tools. I put the new plates on and toss my bags inside. Ahhh, I had my baby back.
I started her up and waited a few before I put her in gear and got the hell outta Dodge!
Finally, it was over.
Well until October 25 that is, when I have to go before a judge in Virginia to talk about my reckless driving. I think between now and then, I will have some more info to share with him...maybe in a countersuit since the out of jurisdiction cop, who only has authority on the access road and the airport took it upon himself to teach me a lesson!
Oh and the surprise, a $2000 bonus from work! That would have been a nice dent in the kitchen remodel, but alas, it all went for my lawless ways.
You hit the toll road and just punch the gas a little more, since the day is pretty and you are super happy. You just want to get to work a wee bit early to return Ranger Rick to his caretaker and get to your 10am meeting with coffee. You hear that there is a special surprise waiting for you, so the urgency is all the more intense. In the pretty sunshine, with the wheel of a little sporty machine in your hands, 83 miles an hour feels like nothing.
Apparently it ain't really nothing to the Dulles Metropolitan Police Department and the Commonwealth of Virginia!
As I looked back, I saw some fucknut run right up on my bumper when my front wheel just crossed the dashed line of my exit. I was like, what the deuce, then I saw the lights, it woulda been helpful to hear the siren. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers.
Thus begins my saga of a bureacratic nightmare.
As the cop pulls me over, he asked me how fast I was going, I was honest and said, I don't know. I was stepping on it to get to work since I had Ranger Rick in the backseat and I was on a deadline. I promised to slow down, he said, license and registration please. He asked if I had any known issues with my stuff and I replied no.
Oy! Was that the wrong answer.
My license had expired, which I found out right before I went to Detroit, but Maryland will let you have a 6 month grace period. It was on my to do list, I swear! I figured the cop would know that.
He comes back to the car with 3 loverly citations.
- Driving on an expired license. Ok, I will admit that, my bad.
- Driving on a suspended registration. Huh? No way, my plates are good til March!
- Reckless driving. Virginia has some tough fucking laws, yo! First moving violation in over 12 years and it has to be a whopper!
I call my boss, who is a helluva a guy, to come get me and Ranger Rick on the side of the road. Meanwhile, little did I know but my other big mouth co-worker had driven by me, not stopped to help and then announced it to my entire team that I was getting busted on the side of the road.
At this point, my little brain is reeling at having all my ID and vehicle seized. How will I get home? How will I get to work? How will I pay for it? Crappity, crap, crap and more crap!
My boss was cool, he said, let's go to MVA and get this all straightened out. He drove me home so I could get my passport and checkbook. Then to MVA. I asked the nice lady at the info desk where to go first. She suggested the first thing was the license. I got my new license without much hassle. I then went to vehicle services and they looked up the problem with my car. It appears as though I had old insurance lapse fines, they had not been an issue until July of this year when they went into "collections". With fines and fees and interest it all came to just over 1500 bucks! Christ on a cracka!
Lemme back up though, see if it had stopped there, I could have been ok with it all. The nice MVA lady then explained that their collections unit was in Largo, or way the fuck far away from where I was at that moment in time. My boss and I had to be back to the office at 3pm for a meeting with our VP, so no chance to resolve this at that moment. He said, look I can take you home later and we will figure stuff out. Since we did have a tiny bit of extra time, we went to Ikea and got shelves for the office. You know, Ikea is very soothing in times of crisis.
My boss forgot he had a date on Monday, so he offered to drop me in the city, near Adams Morgan. Normally, that would be ideal, but not so much on Monday with someone away in Detroit. I arranged for
trystoffate and
redindigo to come rescue me. I waited on the street corner till they came to get me. We all grabbed dinner and planned the attack for the morning.
trystoffate would pick me up at the ass crack of dawn and go to MVA with me. I was sure it would take only a short time to get everything squared away.
I spent the evening getting all of my car insurance paperwork in order and renewing my homeowner's policy at the same time. I didn't go to bed on time, I had to stay up way too late to see how they built the Mackinac Bridge...it was very important! I was up at 6:30am and prepping for my day. I had already taken a half day off, so I was hoping I would be able to just get everything done and still have my afternoon plans.
When Bun Bun and I got to MVA, there was a line around the building...ugh. We went in and waited in seperate lines, hoping a two pronged attack might be best. I got the first ticket for insurance compliance, woohoo! Poor Mr. Bun Bun had to go to work, so I went outside and made sure the big guy had directions and I grabbed my bag. I said, don't worry about me my friend, it should only be a little while longer and I can get a bus to the metro and figure it out from there!off went the Bun Bun mobile.
The woman behind the counter heard my tale of woe and said, you know Virginia is so dumb! They are not supposed to be takin' yo stuff like dat! She said, nothin in yo file says to do anything like that, so don't be hatin' Merllan! I almost threw up in my mouth a wee bit. She gave me all my paperwork to go pay. I get there they won't take a check, luckily my debit card held the $1500 fine. I then had to have Geico fax over extra paperwork, to verify coverage. I was feeling pretty good, until the lady said, you have other insurance lapses, those fines total $2285. Would you like to pay those now? Or make payment arrangements? At 17% interest? With 25% down today.
Fuck me, what choice did I have? My poor broke ass did have months of lapsed insurance, since over the last year it was all about the choices. Do I pay the IRS? Or go to jail? Do I pay my mortgage? Or lose my home? Do I repair the car? Or have no transportation? I could go on and on...
Back I go to the payment office to make another dent in my bank account. Then it was back to the nice compliance lady who gave me all my paperwork and payment info. She then provided me with all of the releases so I could then get my new license plates, since they had been seized by the cop. I wait in line again for a number to visit the license plate lady. I gave her all of my paperwork and she said, I need the replacement plate form. I was like, I don't have one. She gave it to me and then sent me off to fill it out. I came back and she typed in a bunch of info then scanned the screen about a bajillion times before saying, you are ineligible for new plates. You have violations outstanding.
No way, laday! I do not have any violation in the whole wide world. I just paid off all of it! See, the vein is still trickling just a little. She said, actually you do. You have a parking citation from July 21, 2005 in College Park. The original fine was 15 bucks but now you owe 40! I was like fine, just add it to my bill and I will pay you all together. She explained that College Park is a city and the MVA is run by the state and I would need to go to College Park and pay the fine, come back with paperwork and then she could sell me new plates. I about burst into tears at that very moment. I was like, um, what now. She left her desk for about 15 minutes and returned with the info I needed to call College Park and pay over the phone. She wrote down her fax number so I could have them fax it all over.
The College Park process was fairly easy, just given them my visa number and we were done. It took about 15 minutes to get the paperwork sent over. The MVA lady called me back up. She said, ok that will be $50. I said, it is only $20, the other lady told me. She said there is a $30 administrative fee. For what? Well, that ticket in College Park had to be removed from the system, so that I could get the new plates. Otherwise, I wouldn't get them! OMG, that was robbery...I swear! Fine, fine, fine just gimme my plates and paperwork.
I went outside and waited for Da Bus, I think it is The Bus, but in my county we all just say Da Bus. Well the stars were shining on me, as it was World Car Free Day! So the bus was free. I then rode it for what seemed like an eternity to the Largo Metro station. I was pretty fortunate that the night before my sweethearts had given me a loaded up Smart Trip card to cover all my public transit costs for the day. I texted from the Metro to let my afternoon plans know that I was in fact not going to make it...and would call later when I knew more.
I called the boss from the Metro and he said he would meet me at the station and drive me to the airport. Unfortunuately, I had no signal till I got to the station, so I called him when I got in. No answer. I waited around and he called and said it was best I take a cab. I hailed one and off to the airport we go. I asked the cab driver if he took credit cards, he said no. So then we went to the ATM, I got out a 100 bucks, to have some tooling around money later. We find the police station and I pay the driver.
I wait for an officer to come and let me in. Just my luck, he was a chatty Cathy who just wanted to let me know all about his experience of living in Maryland! He hated Maryland and loved Virginia. I was like really? I kind of hate Virginia, actually, just the Dulles Airport Police, since according to Maryland you took all my shit for NO good reason!
He was hurrying up a bit and then said, um, I hope you have cash since they tow company only takes cash. Wait, I thought the deal was the cops would tow my car and it would be so much better? What the hell? He says, it will be a minute, I need to find your car. I have the keys, but um, yeah, I need to locate the vehicle. You gotta be kidding me? Could it get worse?
Actually, yes. Yes it could and it would.
He locates the tow company who says they turned the car over to the airport valet. So it is in their impound lot, but somehow the cops have the keys! Brilliant!
The cop says that a shuttle will be arriving shortly to get me and take me to my car. I should pay the driver cash and show him my paperwork. In about 15 more minutes a very large, very stinky, very creepy man arrives and tells me he is here to take me to my car. I get in the van and he says, no sit up front. I was like, ok, fine. Wondering if now is when I say, dude I am a trained ninja killing machine, so no funny business. Instead, he tells me he has to go back to his office since he can't find the impound lot key. We get back there and he and his boss yell at each other for a while. They ask me to get out of the van to make sure that I am not sitting on the key. Finally, yelling boss and creepy man decide he should get out of the van and lo and behold, there are the keys.
Off we go to the impound lot which is in some weird restricted lot on the outer reaches of the airport. I see poor little Princess, stripped of her plates parked next to a burned out frame and a smashed up Bronco. It takes the dude about 5 minutes to explain that I should put my plates in the windows until someone can put them on for me. He has tools, but is not sure that they will work. I was like, yeah, I got tools, just let me out ,ok!?!?
I run to Princess and open the trunk and grab my tools. I put the new plates on and toss my bags inside. Ahhh, I had my baby back.
I started her up and waited a few before I put her in gear and got the hell outta Dodge!
Finally, it was over.
Well until October 25 that is, when I have to go before a judge in Virginia to talk about my reckless driving. I think between now and then, I will have some more info to share with him...maybe in a countersuit since the out of jurisdiction cop, who only has authority on the access road and the airport took it upon himself to teach me a lesson!
Oh and the surprise, a $2000 bonus from work! That would have been a nice dent in the kitchen remodel, but alas, it all went for my lawless ways.