The Paternal Catalyst 27 (Last Chapter)
The Paternal Catalyst
Rating: PG
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.
Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect.
(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)
Thanks everyone for your comments/criticism!
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
27
Penny
As long as I busied myself with various things, I didn’t have to think about what I’d done, or how Sheldon had reacted. Truth was, whenever I had to shower or there were other inescapable times where I thought of nothing else, I’d made slight progress. One, I felt guilty for attacking him, so I didn’t blame him for being angry. Two, I wanted to kiss him. Still did, even after what had happened. I really was stupid.
The thought, the desire was so unexpected that it felt alien in my own mind. My logic kept poking at it, looking for weak spots to break open the shell, see what was really beneath. But there was nothing. I wanted to kiss Sheldon, I was attracted to Sheldon. And I really didn’t like Martha because she got Sheldon.
I wanted Sheldon. Period. I wanted him in a way I had never wanted any other guy, not even Leonard. The feeling rubbed me raw, the very presence of it hurt. It scared the crap out of me, too. Because it felt permanent, and stranger still, it felt like it had been there for quite a while, just hidden somehow. Now it was exposed, like a nerve where every little tinge sent me to tears once more.
Love was always portrayed as this beautiful thing. It wasn’t; love was this hideous, painful, unfun thing. I hated it. I wanted it no more.
How did I come to love Sheldon? That was the thing. I could point out the things I liked about him, but I couldn’t tie them to my feelings. I thought I loved Leonard because he was sweet and kind, safe and funny. But with Sheldon . . . I just did. There was no reason; logic didn’t enter into the equation at all. It was pure emotion.
And it sucked.
I had always been a fighter, doing everything I could for what I wanted. Running was cowardice. But now, I saw nothing I could do. Sheldon had Martha, he was willing to lift his sex ban for her and she was remarkably similar to Sheldon. She was perfect for him.
I wasn’t. I was always going to be less than him in practically every way in his eyes. It was a hopeless situation, no fighting would help.
I couldn’t get an acting job to save my life and I was losing those I loved.
I had friends in California, but I wasn’t as close with them as I was with the boys. My friendship with Leonard was shaky at best, and I’d completely messed it all up with Sheldon. I could hang out with Howard and Raj but to see them would only remind me of the missing pieces. I wanted the set.
I was fast losing everything worth keeping me in the damned state. Without thinking, without letting myself dwell on how stupid it was, I had just picked up the phone to call my sister, to maybe go back to Nebraska for a bit, when there was a knocking at the door.
I would have ignored it but Leonard’s voice accompanied the knocking. ‘Penny, I know you’re in there. Please. I want to talk to you.’ He sounded so urgent that I had to relent. Besides, I did need to say goodbye.
He took in my tearstained face and stepped around me. ‘Listen, Penny. I’m going to ask you a question and you can’t get upset, okay?’
I nodded, though I was promising nothing.
He sighed and scrubbed his hands through his hair. When he looked at me, it was wary. ‘Did you kiss Sheldon?’
A thousand thoughts seemed to explode in my mind. How did he find out? Did Sheldon say something? In what context did Sheldon say it? Leonard was saying something about Howard, and a camera but I could only think of what I’d done, the guilt tenfold now that someone else had discovered what I’d done. Whoever says telling the truth lifts a weight off your chest is an utter moron. ‘Oh god,’ I cried. ‘I’m so sorry; please tell Sheldon that, okay?’
‘What?’
I knew I didn’t have to tell him details, and with him being my ex it was probably awkward. But I wanted to tell somebody because it felt like if I didn’t, I’d explode. Being found out hurts but now that he knew, I wanted to tell him everything. ‘He was just . . . his eyes were so blue and he asked why I didn’t want him to. And that’s why, Leonard. God, I’m in love with him. And I kissed him and it was wrong and he was so angry.’
‘Angry?’
I nodded, sniffling. ‘He ordered me out of the laundry room. He was pissed, Leonard.’
‘Penny,’ he said with false calm, lowering himself beside me on the couch. ‘What exactly happened?’
‘What do you think?’ I choked out. ‘I kissed Sheldon and he got mad at me for it. It was a stupid, stupid mistake.’
He was silent a beat. Then, ‘Is this at all connected to what happened that night you were drunk?’
‘When I slept with him?’
‘You slept with--’
‘No!’ I was quick to correct him. ‘Only in the literal sleeping sense. I woke up in his bed but nothing happened. Don’t worry; I didn’t cheat on you.’
Suddenly he was pulling me to my feet. ‘I have to show you something,’ he said.
I stumbled after him, all I could do with how fast he was walking.
Howard was at Leonard’s desk, eyes trained on a computer. When he saw me, his eyes widened, and then looked questioningly at Leonard.
‘Howard, up,’ ordered Leonard. The Jew complied, though sputtering. As I was shoved into the chair, he explained, ‘She doesn’t know, Howard. We should show her.’
QuickTime was open, and the frozen image was a high view of the apartment. I looked around to trace where the camera would be, and spotted a small dark circle peeking out the binder of a book on the case. It was facing the couch. The time-stamp on the lower right side wasn’t four days ago, but weeks. Leonard hit the play button and stood back.
There was no audio so for a few seconds, the apartment just stood empty. Then I saw Sheldon cross from the hallway to the front door, which was just off camera. When he reappeared, I saw a blond girl stumbling after him. The date made sense. This was the night before I woke up in his bed. I watched, masochistically enthralled as my drunk self plopped onto the sofa, right in Sheldon’s spot. He walked off camera again, this time toward the kitchen, and returned with a glass of water. He ushered me aside, and I saw myself sort of fall into the middle cushion. Sheldon sat down, handed me the glass.
There was an obvious conversation going, and the quality wasn’t good enough that I could make any words out reading lips. I wondered what I was saying but judging by Sheldon’s reactions, I assumed it was what he’d told me I’d said: about my father, and asking if I could stay. He then got up and disappeared, returning with a blanket and pillow. But when he handed it to me, my drunk self pulled him down. I watched myself holding his hand, talking earnestly.
And then, there on the computer screen, I saw myself rise up on my knees and kiss him. And unlike what I’d done sober just half a week ago, the computer screen-me was full into make-out mode, holding his face between my hands. All while he just froze. I looked away from the screen, having seen enough.
Oh god. No wonder he’d reacted so violently when I kissed him in the laundry room! I’d molested him already and there it was happening again. I was practically a rapist! The sick, twisted part? I couldn’t suppress the desire to kiss him again.
‘Hello,’ said an all-too-familiar voice, his hearing probably so tuned he could hear my thoughts. I looked up and over.
Sheldon and Raj had walked through the door, comics in tow. When Sheldon met my eyes, he became still enough to be a statue. ‘What are you three doing?’ He sounded wary but walked over anyway. I just watched him, too horrified by what I’d seen to speak. When his eyes fell on the computer screen, then over to the location of the camera, then back, then to me, the color drained from his face. ‘I’m moving back to Texas,’ he announced, then walked into his bedroom.
I was somehow on his heels, closing the door behind me. I knew it was bad, the last thing a molestation victim wants is the molester in his bedroom.
He jumped at my arrival, dropping the bag he’d grabbed. ‘Penny--’
‘Please,’ I begged, though I knew I didn’t deserve it. ‘Can I just . . . talk?’ He gave a curt nod, though he didn’t seem too thrilled about it, and folded his arms. I didn’t know what I was going to say, so I just . . . started talking. ‘Okay, so I was drunk. And I know that’s not at all a good excuse because people don’t do things drunk they wouldn’t normally do sober. Obviously since I was sober the second time. The point is, if I’d known that I’d molested you the first time I wouldn’t have done it again. I’m so sorry, Sheldon! I love you and I don’t want to hurt you, even though I did already. You don’t have to move, okay? I’m moving. You’ll be safe here.’ I didn’t say everything I wanted to, everything I was feeling but words left me.
He just stared at me. ‘You misused the word molest.’
I blinked. It wasn’t what I’d expected. Though I probably should have seen it coming.
‘The word molest, in this case referring to sexual harassment, implies the absence of consent,’ explained Sheldon.
‘I know,’ I said. ‘You obviously didn’t consent, Sheldon. You didn’t react at all at first and this last time, you ordered me to leave. I know what consent is.’
He looked down in thought for a second, then asked, ‘Did you watch the full video?’
I shook my head.
He reached past me to pull the door open, eyebrows lifted impatiently. ‘Watch the full video.’
I backed out in an effort to distance myself from him, that stupid urge rising up again. ‘Sheldon, I’d rather not. I saw enough.’ I was backing down the hallway, nearly tripping over the little step into the living room. ‘I’m sorry, again. I’ll just go...’ But to my surprise he followed me, jerking his head toward the computer until I sat down, slowly, uncertainly. ‘Listen, I really don’t want to watch anymore.’
‘Penny,’ he warned, and clicked the play button.
It picked up with me still kissing him, him not moving. Then, like he would later do, I saw him grip my shoulders, holding me away from his body. I was saying something, mouth moving inaudibly. There was a small but obvious argument that quickly resolved itself and he let me go. Just as I was wondering why he’d felt it important to show me this last bit, I saw myself attack him again, this time moving to straddle his lap. I saw, once again, his arms reach up to my shoulders as if to remove me again. But then I saw something I hadn’t expected: his arm snaked around my back. My heart, which had withered and died days before, let out a few feeble beeps as about eighteen seconds passed. Eighteen seconds with my hands combing through his hair and even with the low resolution I could practically see my desperate desire. Eighteen full seconds of his hands gripping the back of my shirt. Then I saw myself climb off him. We both stood and I saw myself head to Leonard’s room, while he went to his. Like nothing had happened.
I looked from the screen at Sheldon and somehow, I still had my voice. ‘You kissed me back.’
He stood up straighter, not meeting my gaze. ‘Yes.’
‘Why?’
Now he looked at me. ‘It is the standard protocol, is it not?’
My heart sank at that. ‘Sweetie, just because someone kisses you, doesn’t mean you’re obligated to kiss them back. It’s standard protocol to say no, as well.’
‘I’m well aware.’
‘So even if you thought you had to kiss me back, it doesn’t count as consent.’
‘Okay,’ he said, sounding like this wasn’t news.
‘So my use of the word molestation still stands.’
‘No it doesn’t.’
‘Yes it does!’
‘No, Penny,’ he said firmly. ‘I responded affirmatively.’
I didn’t know how to further explain it so he’d understand. So I tried a different path. ‘When I asked you what had happened, why didn’t you tell me?’ My thought was to get his answer, which I assumed would be because he felt violated or hoped if he didn’t tell me, it wouldn’t happen again, I’d pounce on that.
On the couch, Howard, Raj, and Leonard were watching with wide eyes.
Sheldon sighed, running his fingers through his already uncombed hair. And now that I paid attention, he was unshaven as well. It was incredibly attractive. God, I’m sick. ‘As I stated previously, I was awake the entire duration. My initial intension was to relay the events to you upon your awakening. However, when you did wake up, your reaction to our sleeping arrangements were . . . less than inspiring. When you displayed partial amnesia toward the events, I felt it unnecessary to inform you of your actions as it would only stress you further.’
I remembered how horrified I’d felt. Though not at the thought of sleeping with him, this I only noticed as he was speaking, but at the thought of it somehow being without his consent. And I was kind of right with my first thought. ‘Did we, did I . . . was there sex?’
‘No,’ he said calmly. ‘I did not lie to you when I said you stumbled in post-bathroom visit.’ I sighed here, relieved. But we hadn’t gotten to where I wanted to be.
‘But you should still have told me, so I would know not to do it again.’ Cold washed through me. ‘Not that you are to blame in any way.’
He cocked his head to one side. ‘My informing you would only have the opposite effect.’
‘No, I promise. I wouldn’t have done it again. Like now, I’m staying away from you!’
He was quiet and when he started to walk away, I thought he was just going back into his room but he only grabbed his computer chair and wheeled it next to me. He sat down, leaned forward with his hands in a steeple. ‘I’m beginning to suspect we’re having difficulties in communication. Tell me what do you think transpired in these events?’
I took a deep breath, calming myself. ‘I came in drunk, and then after my sob story, kissed you. You said no but I went ahead and did it anyway. You responded because you thought you had to. Then earlier this week I did it again, but it scared you so you made me leave. I’m sorry.’ The last bit I added though it seemed weak; it didn’t do the job at all well. Yet in my state I couldn’t think up any way to express how crappy I felt for what I’d done, how much I wanted to take it back. I wanted to go back to how we were, just friends. To going to movies together, to poking at each others’ egos.
I was near tears and I was sitting stiffly on the chair, muscles tensed to run at any second.
‘Penny,’ he said condescendingly. ‘Do you want to hear my side of the events?’
No. ‘You deserve to explain yourself.’ I deserved this punishment, to hear the victim’s story. I was so going to hell. I guess that baptism when I was a kid was for nothing.
He sat back. ‘You are correct in the beginning. You were intoxicated and talked about your problems. But then you talked about Leonard--’ he nodded toward the man on the sofa. ‘--and told me you weren’t in love with him. You then admitted that you were in love with me instead.’ Here, I too looked at Leonard, suddenly realizing he’d been hurt in this as well. I’d cheated on him, made out with his best friend, his roommate. I hadn’t told Leonard I wasn’t in love with him, hadn’t been honest but then went and assaulted his roommate, telling him my relationship troubles. ‘I, of course, pointed out the illogic of the notion of being “in love” and that the only reason you have these so-called feelings is your evolutionary imperative to procreate. The things you “love” in a person are the genes you wish to carry on to your offspring. However, and Penny I must commend you for your rhetoric skills, you gave me examples of your past boyfriends, including Leonard. And said I was entirely not your “deal” and yet you felt the urge to procreate with me. You used much cruder terminology, of course.’
My eyes about rolled out of their sockets.
He went on. ‘Shortly after I conceded, you took it upon yourself to kiss me. I, of course informed you of the many effects of alcohol, one including lowered inhibitions, and suggested you wait until you were sober to make these decisions. You argued, as you did today, that alcohol doesn’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. It was a reasonable argument, so I relented.’
‘But--’ I argued.
‘Leave,’ he told the boys suddenly, who just stared at him. When they didn’t move, Sheldon jerked his head and said more confidently. ‘Get out.’ It was a simple, no-nonsense tone that, I’m embarrassed to say, turned me on a bit.
Probably alarmed by his commanding tone, they scurried out, still looking over their shoulder. No doubt they’d be waiting just outside, listening.
‘Sheldon,’ I hissed. ‘Just because I made a reasonable argument doesn’t mean you have to give in!’
‘Penny,’ he said, in a you should know better tone.
I stood up. ‘Listen, Sweetie. I know you think that you behaved rationally and therefore have taken the blame off me.’ I was intentionally putting distance between us, because I knew a goodbye was about to be said and I didn’t know if I’d have the strength. ‘No argument will convince me otherwise. I mean, how you reacted this week is proof enough and . . . and you clearly want Martha, so . . .’
‘I don’t want Martha; what does Martha have to do with this?’ he broke in, completely confused.
‘You’re going to have sex with her, Sheldon. Clearly you have feelings for her.’ God my voice was all over the place. You’d think I as on the edge of puberty.
He protested, as his nature, ‘I don’t have feelings for Martha.’
Right. I rolled my eyes. ‘Okay, I know about your thingy with sex leading to some chemical in your brain which somehow equals love, but for you--’
Sheldon was on his feet in front of me now, earnest. ‘That’s actually what I was trying to prove or disprove.’
‘You wanted to have sex with Martha to see if it would make you fall in love?’ I asked, disbelief momentarily clouding my guilt. ‘Sheldon, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.’
‘I know,’ he cried, slouching into his spot, face in his hands.
Okay, I totally had no idea how we’d changed topics, but I sat down next to him, waiting for my chance to bring it around to my goodbye. The reason I wasn’t pushing it, of course, was to stall. ‘What happened?’
‘That much is obvious,’ he said with a groan, turning that glare full on, the same one I’d seen in the laundry room. When I didn’t understand, he turned his body to face me. ‘Somehow the serotonin levels in my brain were on the rise, directly related to a sole human--namely you--without the prerequisite of sexual intercourse. It was easily compared to the effects described in Dr. Beverly Hofstadter’s papers, yet I thought myself mistaken. It troubled me for some time so when Martha presented herself as a capable partner, I thought I might compare the feelings.’
I gulped, hoping I was following right. ‘And did you two . . . have sex?’
‘You negated the necessity for that.’
I shook my head. ‘I, me? How?’
‘You kissed me,’ he said simply.
It was giving me a headache. ‘Sheldon, please,’ I begged, gripping my head. ‘I don’t understand what I have to do with this.’
‘Do you not recall the surveillance clip you just witnessed?’ asked Sheldon, voice bordering on impatience. As this didn’t clear anything up, he took a deep breath. ‘Penny, you got a lot of the answers on my friendship survey incorrect. Yet I chose to keep you around, instead of Koothrappali, who only missed one question. Did you ask yourself why?’
I shrugged. ‘Because I’m sweet?’
He continued without my answer. ‘Well I did. I would have to take off forty IQ points in order to be considered genius and yet I could not distinguish the logic behind keeping you. You are untidy and do not respect sleep habits at all. You choose to fight my every desire instead of simply giving in. Instead of enabling me as the others do, thus easing my transition from birth to death you purposefully complicate things. You aren’t a scholar and you don’t enjoy the fine classic science fiction that I relish.
‘This question lead to another: why I was so adamant about the lack of compatibility between Leonard and you. I know nothing about the human connection, yet I was certain of the doom to which any relationship between you two would come. Frankly, the entire reason I created the Relationship Compatibility Test was to better understand my certainty. It didn’t help, Penny.’
This was it. I knew we were getting around to the issue at hand, but I also could tell by his tone of voice that it was my fault. I knew this, but I didn’t want to hear it. Yet he was confusing me, because he was insulting me but . . . not. ‘So . . . ?’
He studied my face for a second. ‘You then dropped in an unexpected factor: you kissed me. As much as that was a surprise, for some reason I let you. And not-’ he said a bit loud, talking over my interruption-to-be. ‘-simply because you posed a reasonable argument. I stopped you when I did because I thought better than to take an intoxicated person’s word.
‘Yet as much as I tried to separate the incident from the rest of my life, it couldn’t. It had the opposite effect. The action, and subsequently you, plagued my waking and unconscious mind. Do you know what it’s like, Penny, to have your body behave in a wholly predictable fashion then by some unseen catalyst behave in the opposite?’
I was still trying to understand his words, and though I had a hopeless delusion, I didn’t quite want to feed it yet.
‘I did research,’ he went on. ‘And the feeling seemed to be tied to that of being in love. This seemed improbable so I proposed the experiment.’
‘Which I negated the need for,’ I finished for him.
‘For which you negated the need,’ he corrected. ‘Yes. You kissed me a second time. Though I knew what to expect, it still stretched my self-control to remain master over the carnal instinct. I was no longer in charge of my bodily reactions because it seemed emotion was directly tied with the instinct, and therefore quantified in strength.’
Dare I hope? ‘So you weren’t traumatized by the kisses?’
His face said puh-leeze. ‘I’m a grown man, Penny.’
‘So, are you saying you’re in love with me?’ My heart was thudding so loud in my ears I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to hear his response.
He sighed, defeated and slouched against the couch, left arm resting on the arm of the sofa, long fingers rubbing his forehead. ‘It would seem so.’
Stupid giddy joy burbled up within me. ‘So what happens next?’
‘Well, I attempted distancing myself from you, but that seemed to only worsen things. While I can only suggest the opposite, increasing contact, be the viable solution, I also need to know if these feelings are reciprocated. Either way, you’re the expert between the two of us. As they say in chess, your move.’
‘I love you, too.’ As soon as the words leave my mouth, the honesty of it lingers. Not in the same way I love the others, either. ‘I guess the next step would be a date?’
He was quiet for a frighteningly long time, thoughtful. Was he rethinking the entire thing? But then he looked me right in the eyes, his blue eyes a startling clarity. ‘If it doesn’t bother you, I’d like to revisit the carnal overlay we attempted twice before. I feel they weren’t a success due to the surrounding circumstances.’
It took every ounce of my own self-control not to let out a girly squeal.
‘And,’ continued Sheldon, voice careful. ‘I would like to be the instigator this time, if that’s alright.’
I nodded, biting my lip.
What followed was probably the awkwardest kiss I’d ever received, but also the best.
He hesitated about fifty times, hands gripping the side of my head, eyes darting from my eyes to my nose to my mouth and back again, as if he was afraid he’s miss his target somehow. He seemed entire uncertain of his own body until, without meaning to, I licked my lips. Then his eyes zeroed in and his own lips followed suit. His lips were soft but movements formal, like he’d read out of some instruction manual on how to kiss. But at my quiet insistence, he loosened things up a little, taking my lead on things I preferred. As it turns out, Sheldon Cooper was a surprisingly good kisser.
‘Penny,’ he gasped, after wrestling his lips away. ‘You’re in my spot.’
I looked down. At some point I’d climbed onto his lap. ‘Do you want me to move?’
He gave me a very level look. ‘No.’
We didn’t split up until we heard the door open, and Raj exclaim, ‘Holy crap,’ before slapping his hands over his mouth.
End.
______________________________________________________________
Okay, I just want to thank everyone again for reading this little fic of mine, and double gratis to those who reviewed. Made my day, every single one of you. This fic's done but please let me know what you thought of it and, of course, what I could have done better.
Rating: PG
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.
Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect.
(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)
Thanks everyone for your comments/criticism!
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
27
Penny
As long as I busied myself with various things, I didn’t have to think about what I’d done, or how Sheldon had reacted. Truth was, whenever I had to shower or there were other inescapable times where I thought of nothing else, I’d made slight progress. One, I felt guilty for attacking him, so I didn’t blame him for being angry. Two, I wanted to kiss him. Still did, even after what had happened. I really was stupid.
The thought, the desire was so unexpected that it felt alien in my own mind. My logic kept poking at it, looking for weak spots to break open the shell, see what was really beneath. But there was nothing. I wanted to kiss Sheldon, I was attracted to Sheldon. And I really didn’t like Martha because she got Sheldon.
I wanted Sheldon. Period. I wanted him in a way I had never wanted any other guy, not even Leonard. The feeling rubbed me raw, the very presence of it hurt. It scared the crap out of me, too. Because it felt permanent, and stranger still, it felt like it had been there for quite a while, just hidden somehow. Now it was exposed, like a nerve where every little tinge sent me to tears once more.
Love was always portrayed as this beautiful thing. It wasn’t; love was this hideous, painful, unfun thing. I hated it. I wanted it no more.
How did I come to love Sheldon? That was the thing. I could point out the things I liked about him, but I couldn’t tie them to my feelings. I thought I loved Leonard because he was sweet and kind, safe and funny. But with Sheldon . . . I just did. There was no reason; logic didn’t enter into the equation at all. It was pure emotion.
And it sucked.
I had always been a fighter, doing everything I could for what I wanted. Running was cowardice. But now, I saw nothing I could do. Sheldon had Martha, he was willing to lift his sex ban for her and she was remarkably similar to Sheldon. She was perfect for him.
I wasn’t. I was always going to be less than him in practically every way in his eyes. It was a hopeless situation, no fighting would help.
I couldn’t get an acting job to save my life and I was losing those I loved.
I had friends in California, but I wasn’t as close with them as I was with the boys. My friendship with Leonard was shaky at best, and I’d completely messed it all up with Sheldon. I could hang out with Howard and Raj but to see them would only remind me of the missing pieces. I wanted the set.
I was fast losing everything worth keeping me in the damned state. Without thinking, without letting myself dwell on how stupid it was, I had just picked up the phone to call my sister, to maybe go back to Nebraska for a bit, when there was a knocking at the door.
I would have ignored it but Leonard’s voice accompanied the knocking. ‘Penny, I know you’re in there. Please. I want to talk to you.’ He sounded so urgent that I had to relent. Besides, I did need to say goodbye.
He took in my tearstained face and stepped around me. ‘Listen, Penny. I’m going to ask you a question and you can’t get upset, okay?’
I nodded, though I was promising nothing.
He sighed and scrubbed his hands through his hair. When he looked at me, it was wary. ‘Did you kiss Sheldon?’
A thousand thoughts seemed to explode in my mind. How did he find out? Did Sheldon say something? In what context did Sheldon say it? Leonard was saying something about Howard, and a camera but I could only think of what I’d done, the guilt tenfold now that someone else had discovered what I’d done. Whoever says telling the truth lifts a weight off your chest is an utter moron. ‘Oh god,’ I cried. ‘I’m so sorry; please tell Sheldon that, okay?’
‘What?’
I knew I didn’t have to tell him details, and with him being my ex it was probably awkward. But I wanted to tell somebody because it felt like if I didn’t, I’d explode. Being found out hurts but now that he knew, I wanted to tell him everything. ‘He was just . . . his eyes were so blue and he asked why I didn’t want him to. And that’s why, Leonard. God, I’m in love with him. And I kissed him and it was wrong and he was so angry.’
‘Angry?’
I nodded, sniffling. ‘He ordered me out of the laundry room. He was pissed, Leonard.’
‘Penny,’ he said with false calm, lowering himself beside me on the couch. ‘What exactly happened?’
‘What do you think?’ I choked out. ‘I kissed Sheldon and he got mad at me for it. It was a stupid, stupid mistake.’
He was silent a beat. Then, ‘Is this at all connected to what happened that night you were drunk?’
‘When I slept with him?’
‘You slept with--’
‘No!’ I was quick to correct him. ‘Only in the literal sleeping sense. I woke up in his bed but nothing happened. Don’t worry; I didn’t cheat on you.’
Suddenly he was pulling me to my feet. ‘I have to show you something,’ he said.
I stumbled after him, all I could do with how fast he was walking.
Howard was at Leonard’s desk, eyes trained on a computer. When he saw me, his eyes widened, and then looked questioningly at Leonard.
‘Howard, up,’ ordered Leonard. The Jew complied, though sputtering. As I was shoved into the chair, he explained, ‘She doesn’t know, Howard. We should show her.’
QuickTime was open, and the frozen image was a high view of the apartment. I looked around to trace where the camera would be, and spotted a small dark circle peeking out the binder of a book on the case. It was facing the couch. The time-stamp on the lower right side wasn’t four days ago, but weeks. Leonard hit the play button and stood back.
There was no audio so for a few seconds, the apartment just stood empty. Then I saw Sheldon cross from the hallway to the front door, which was just off camera. When he reappeared, I saw a blond girl stumbling after him. The date made sense. This was the night before I woke up in his bed. I watched, masochistically enthralled as my drunk self plopped onto the sofa, right in Sheldon’s spot. He walked off camera again, this time toward the kitchen, and returned with a glass of water. He ushered me aside, and I saw myself sort of fall into the middle cushion. Sheldon sat down, handed me the glass.
There was an obvious conversation going, and the quality wasn’t good enough that I could make any words out reading lips. I wondered what I was saying but judging by Sheldon’s reactions, I assumed it was what he’d told me I’d said: about my father, and asking if I could stay. He then got up and disappeared, returning with a blanket and pillow. But when he handed it to me, my drunk self pulled him down. I watched myself holding his hand, talking earnestly.
And then, there on the computer screen, I saw myself rise up on my knees and kiss him. And unlike what I’d done sober just half a week ago, the computer screen-me was full into make-out mode, holding his face between my hands. All while he just froze. I looked away from the screen, having seen enough.
Oh god. No wonder he’d reacted so violently when I kissed him in the laundry room! I’d molested him already and there it was happening again. I was practically a rapist! The sick, twisted part? I couldn’t suppress the desire to kiss him again.
‘Hello,’ said an all-too-familiar voice, his hearing probably so tuned he could hear my thoughts. I looked up and over.
Sheldon and Raj had walked through the door, comics in tow. When Sheldon met my eyes, he became still enough to be a statue. ‘What are you three doing?’ He sounded wary but walked over anyway. I just watched him, too horrified by what I’d seen to speak. When his eyes fell on the computer screen, then over to the location of the camera, then back, then to me, the color drained from his face. ‘I’m moving back to Texas,’ he announced, then walked into his bedroom.
I was somehow on his heels, closing the door behind me. I knew it was bad, the last thing a molestation victim wants is the molester in his bedroom.
He jumped at my arrival, dropping the bag he’d grabbed. ‘Penny--’
‘Please,’ I begged, though I knew I didn’t deserve it. ‘Can I just . . . talk?’ He gave a curt nod, though he didn’t seem too thrilled about it, and folded his arms. I didn’t know what I was going to say, so I just . . . started talking. ‘Okay, so I was drunk. And I know that’s not at all a good excuse because people don’t do things drunk they wouldn’t normally do sober. Obviously since I was sober the second time. The point is, if I’d known that I’d molested you the first time I wouldn’t have done it again. I’m so sorry, Sheldon! I love you and I don’t want to hurt you, even though I did already. You don’t have to move, okay? I’m moving. You’ll be safe here.’ I didn’t say everything I wanted to, everything I was feeling but words left me.
He just stared at me. ‘You misused the word molest.’
I blinked. It wasn’t what I’d expected. Though I probably should have seen it coming.
‘The word molest, in this case referring to sexual harassment, implies the absence of consent,’ explained Sheldon.
‘I know,’ I said. ‘You obviously didn’t consent, Sheldon. You didn’t react at all at first and this last time, you ordered me to leave. I know what consent is.’
He looked down in thought for a second, then asked, ‘Did you watch the full video?’
I shook my head.
He reached past me to pull the door open, eyebrows lifted impatiently. ‘Watch the full video.’
I backed out in an effort to distance myself from him, that stupid urge rising up again. ‘Sheldon, I’d rather not. I saw enough.’ I was backing down the hallway, nearly tripping over the little step into the living room. ‘I’m sorry, again. I’ll just go...’ But to my surprise he followed me, jerking his head toward the computer until I sat down, slowly, uncertainly. ‘Listen, I really don’t want to watch anymore.’
‘Penny,’ he warned, and clicked the play button.
It picked up with me still kissing him, him not moving. Then, like he would later do, I saw him grip my shoulders, holding me away from his body. I was saying something, mouth moving inaudibly. There was a small but obvious argument that quickly resolved itself and he let me go. Just as I was wondering why he’d felt it important to show me this last bit, I saw myself attack him again, this time moving to straddle his lap. I saw, once again, his arms reach up to my shoulders as if to remove me again. But then I saw something I hadn’t expected: his arm snaked around my back. My heart, which had withered and died days before, let out a few feeble beeps as about eighteen seconds passed. Eighteen seconds with my hands combing through his hair and even with the low resolution I could practically see my desperate desire. Eighteen full seconds of his hands gripping the back of my shirt. Then I saw myself climb off him. We both stood and I saw myself head to Leonard’s room, while he went to his. Like nothing had happened.
I looked from the screen at Sheldon and somehow, I still had my voice. ‘You kissed me back.’
He stood up straighter, not meeting my gaze. ‘Yes.’
‘Why?’
Now he looked at me. ‘It is the standard protocol, is it not?’
My heart sank at that. ‘Sweetie, just because someone kisses you, doesn’t mean you’re obligated to kiss them back. It’s standard protocol to say no, as well.’
‘I’m well aware.’
‘So even if you thought you had to kiss me back, it doesn’t count as consent.’
‘Okay,’ he said, sounding like this wasn’t news.
‘So my use of the word molestation still stands.’
‘No it doesn’t.’
‘Yes it does!’
‘No, Penny,’ he said firmly. ‘I responded affirmatively.’
I didn’t know how to further explain it so he’d understand. So I tried a different path. ‘When I asked you what had happened, why didn’t you tell me?’ My thought was to get his answer, which I assumed would be because he felt violated or hoped if he didn’t tell me, it wouldn’t happen again, I’d pounce on that.
On the couch, Howard, Raj, and Leonard were watching with wide eyes.
Sheldon sighed, running his fingers through his already uncombed hair. And now that I paid attention, he was unshaven as well. It was incredibly attractive. God, I’m sick. ‘As I stated previously, I was awake the entire duration. My initial intension was to relay the events to you upon your awakening. However, when you did wake up, your reaction to our sleeping arrangements were . . . less than inspiring. When you displayed partial amnesia toward the events, I felt it unnecessary to inform you of your actions as it would only stress you further.’
I remembered how horrified I’d felt. Though not at the thought of sleeping with him, this I only noticed as he was speaking, but at the thought of it somehow being without his consent. And I was kind of right with my first thought. ‘Did we, did I . . . was there sex?’
‘No,’ he said calmly. ‘I did not lie to you when I said you stumbled in post-bathroom visit.’ I sighed here, relieved. But we hadn’t gotten to where I wanted to be.
‘But you should still have told me, so I would know not to do it again.’ Cold washed through me. ‘Not that you are to blame in any way.’
He cocked his head to one side. ‘My informing you would only have the opposite effect.’
‘No, I promise. I wouldn’t have done it again. Like now, I’m staying away from you!’
He was quiet and when he started to walk away, I thought he was just going back into his room but he only grabbed his computer chair and wheeled it next to me. He sat down, leaned forward with his hands in a steeple. ‘I’m beginning to suspect we’re having difficulties in communication. Tell me what do you think transpired in these events?’
I took a deep breath, calming myself. ‘I came in drunk, and then after my sob story, kissed you. You said no but I went ahead and did it anyway. You responded because you thought you had to. Then earlier this week I did it again, but it scared you so you made me leave. I’m sorry.’ The last bit I added though it seemed weak; it didn’t do the job at all well. Yet in my state I couldn’t think up any way to express how crappy I felt for what I’d done, how much I wanted to take it back. I wanted to go back to how we were, just friends. To going to movies together, to poking at each others’ egos.
I was near tears and I was sitting stiffly on the chair, muscles tensed to run at any second.
‘Penny,’ he said condescendingly. ‘Do you want to hear my side of the events?’
No. ‘You deserve to explain yourself.’ I deserved this punishment, to hear the victim’s story. I was so going to hell. I guess that baptism when I was a kid was for nothing.
He sat back. ‘You are correct in the beginning. You were intoxicated and talked about your problems. But then you talked about Leonard--’ he nodded toward the man on the sofa. ‘--and told me you weren’t in love with him. You then admitted that you were in love with me instead.’ Here, I too looked at Leonard, suddenly realizing he’d been hurt in this as well. I’d cheated on him, made out with his best friend, his roommate. I hadn’t told Leonard I wasn’t in love with him, hadn’t been honest but then went and assaulted his roommate, telling him my relationship troubles. ‘I, of course, pointed out the illogic of the notion of being “in love” and that the only reason you have these so-called feelings is your evolutionary imperative to procreate. The things you “love” in a person are the genes you wish to carry on to your offspring. However, and Penny I must commend you for your rhetoric skills, you gave me examples of your past boyfriends, including Leonard. And said I was entirely not your “deal” and yet you felt the urge to procreate with me. You used much cruder terminology, of course.’
My eyes about rolled out of their sockets.
He went on. ‘Shortly after I conceded, you took it upon yourself to kiss me. I, of course informed you of the many effects of alcohol, one including lowered inhibitions, and suggested you wait until you were sober to make these decisions. You argued, as you did today, that alcohol doesn’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. It was a reasonable argument, so I relented.’
‘But--’ I argued.
‘Leave,’ he told the boys suddenly, who just stared at him. When they didn’t move, Sheldon jerked his head and said more confidently. ‘Get out.’ It was a simple, no-nonsense tone that, I’m embarrassed to say, turned me on a bit.
Probably alarmed by his commanding tone, they scurried out, still looking over their shoulder. No doubt they’d be waiting just outside, listening.
‘Sheldon,’ I hissed. ‘Just because I made a reasonable argument doesn’t mean you have to give in!’
‘Penny,’ he said, in a you should know better tone.
I stood up. ‘Listen, Sweetie. I know you think that you behaved rationally and therefore have taken the blame off me.’ I was intentionally putting distance between us, because I knew a goodbye was about to be said and I didn’t know if I’d have the strength. ‘No argument will convince me otherwise. I mean, how you reacted this week is proof enough and . . . and you clearly want Martha, so . . .’
‘I don’t want Martha; what does Martha have to do with this?’ he broke in, completely confused.
‘You’re going to have sex with her, Sheldon. Clearly you have feelings for her.’ God my voice was all over the place. You’d think I as on the edge of puberty.
He protested, as his nature, ‘I don’t have feelings for Martha.’
Right. I rolled my eyes. ‘Okay, I know about your thingy with sex leading to some chemical in your brain which somehow equals love, but for you--’
Sheldon was on his feet in front of me now, earnest. ‘That’s actually what I was trying to prove or disprove.’
‘You wanted to have sex with Martha to see if it would make you fall in love?’ I asked, disbelief momentarily clouding my guilt. ‘Sheldon, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.’
‘I know,’ he cried, slouching into his spot, face in his hands.
Okay, I totally had no idea how we’d changed topics, but I sat down next to him, waiting for my chance to bring it around to my goodbye. The reason I wasn’t pushing it, of course, was to stall. ‘What happened?’
‘That much is obvious,’ he said with a groan, turning that glare full on, the same one I’d seen in the laundry room. When I didn’t understand, he turned his body to face me. ‘Somehow the serotonin levels in my brain were on the rise, directly related to a sole human--namely you--without the prerequisite of sexual intercourse. It was easily compared to the effects described in Dr. Beverly Hofstadter’s papers, yet I thought myself mistaken. It troubled me for some time so when Martha presented herself as a capable partner, I thought I might compare the feelings.’
I gulped, hoping I was following right. ‘And did you two . . . have sex?’
‘You negated the necessity for that.’
I shook my head. ‘I, me? How?’
‘You kissed me,’ he said simply.
It was giving me a headache. ‘Sheldon, please,’ I begged, gripping my head. ‘I don’t understand what I have to do with this.’
‘Do you not recall the surveillance clip you just witnessed?’ asked Sheldon, voice bordering on impatience. As this didn’t clear anything up, he took a deep breath. ‘Penny, you got a lot of the answers on my friendship survey incorrect. Yet I chose to keep you around, instead of Koothrappali, who only missed one question. Did you ask yourself why?’
I shrugged. ‘Because I’m sweet?’
He continued without my answer. ‘Well I did. I would have to take off forty IQ points in order to be considered genius and yet I could not distinguish the logic behind keeping you. You are untidy and do not respect sleep habits at all. You choose to fight my every desire instead of simply giving in. Instead of enabling me as the others do, thus easing my transition from birth to death you purposefully complicate things. You aren’t a scholar and you don’t enjoy the fine classic science fiction that I relish.
‘This question lead to another: why I was so adamant about the lack of compatibility between Leonard and you. I know nothing about the human connection, yet I was certain of the doom to which any relationship between you two would come. Frankly, the entire reason I created the Relationship Compatibility Test was to better understand my certainty. It didn’t help, Penny.’
This was it. I knew we were getting around to the issue at hand, but I also could tell by his tone of voice that it was my fault. I knew this, but I didn’t want to hear it. Yet he was confusing me, because he was insulting me but . . . not. ‘So . . . ?’
He studied my face for a second. ‘You then dropped in an unexpected factor: you kissed me. As much as that was a surprise, for some reason I let you. And not-’ he said a bit loud, talking over my interruption-to-be. ‘-simply because you posed a reasonable argument. I stopped you when I did because I thought better than to take an intoxicated person’s word.
‘Yet as much as I tried to separate the incident from the rest of my life, it couldn’t. It had the opposite effect. The action, and subsequently you, plagued my waking and unconscious mind. Do you know what it’s like, Penny, to have your body behave in a wholly predictable fashion then by some unseen catalyst behave in the opposite?’
I was still trying to understand his words, and though I had a hopeless delusion, I didn’t quite want to feed it yet.
‘I did research,’ he went on. ‘And the feeling seemed to be tied to that of being in love. This seemed improbable so I proposed the experiment.’
‘Which I negated the need for,’ I finished for him.
‘For which you negated the need,’ he corrected. ‘Yes. You kissed me a second time. Though I knew what to expect, it still stretched my self-control to remain master over the carnal instinct. I was no longer in charge of my bodily reactions because it seemed emotion was directly tied with the instinct, and therefore quantified in strength.’
Dare I hope? ‘So you weren’t traumatized by the kisses?’
His face said puh-leeze. ‘I’m a grown man, Penny.’
‘So, are you saying you’re in love with me?’ My heart was thudding so loud in my ears I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to hear his response.
He sighed, defeated and slouched against the couch, left arm resting on the arm of the sofa, long fingers rubbing his forehead. ‘It would seem so.’
Stupid giddy joy burbled up within me. ‘So what happens next?’
‘Well, I attempted distancing myself from you, but that seemed to only worsen things. While I can only suggest the opposite, increasing contact, be the viable solution, I also need to know if these feelings are reciprocated. Either way, you’re the expert between the two of us. As they say in chess, your move.’
‘I love you, too.’ As soon as the words leave my mouth, the honesty of it lingers. Not in the same way I love the others, either. ‘I guess the next step would be a date?’
He was quiet for a frighteningly long time, thoughtful. Was he rethinking the entire thing? But then he looked me right in the eyes, his blue eyes a startling clarity. ‘If it doesn’t bother you, I’d like to revisit the carnal overlay we attempted twice before. I feel they weren’t a success due to the surrounding circumstances.’
It took every ounce of my own self-control not to let out a girly squeal.
‘And,’ continued Sheldon, voice careful. ‘I would like to be the instigator this time, if that’s alright.’
I nodded, biting my lip.
What followed was probably the awkwardest kiss I’d ever received, but also the best.
He hesitated about fifty times, hands gripping the side of my head, eyes darting from my eyes to my nose to my mouth and back again, as if he was afraid he’s miss his target somehow. He seemed entire uncertain of his own body until, without meaning to, I licked my lips. Then his eyes zeroed in and his own lips followed suit. His lips were soft but movements formal, like he’d read out of some instruction manual on how to kiss. But at my quiet insistence, he loosened things up a little, taking my lead on things I preferred. As it turns out, Sheldon Cooper was a surprisingly good kisser.
‘Penny,’ he gasped, after wrestling his lips away. ‘You’re in my spot.’
I looked down. At some point I’d climbed onto his lap. ‘Do you want me to move?’
He gave me a very level look. ‘No.’
We didn’t split up until we heard the door open, and Raj exclaim, ‘Holy crap,’ before slapping his hands over his mouth.
End.
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Okay, I just want to thank everyone again for reading this little fic of mine, and double gratis to those who reviewed. Made my day, every single one of you. This fic's done but please let me know what you thought of it and, of course, what I could have done better.