The Paternal Catalyst 22
The Paternal Catalyst
Rating: PG
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.
Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect.
(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)
Thanks everyone for your comments/criticism!
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
22
Penny
It was my first get-together with the guys, all of them, since Leonard and I broke up and I was a bag of nerves.
Sure, I hung out with all but Leonard before, and that was comfortable enough. Well. As comfortable as one can be with a guy who won’t talk, one who won’t stop talking, and Howard. So I knew I was fine with them, and the addition of Leonard, yes, was going to make things awkward. But I should have been okay since I still had three guys I could talk to.
Yet somehow, I felt cowardly. So I invited Tabitha along.
I’d told her about her flirting with Sheldon, since she didn’t remember, and she was utterly horrified and was swearing of alcohol in all forms.
‘I don’t know why I do that when I get drunk!’ she was complaining as we got everyone’s dinner. ‘It’s not like I’m serious and it never pans out. Well, there was this one time I woke up in a guy’s bed.’ Her face was a mask of horror. ‘I don’t like guys. I mean, their penises are so ugly. How do you stand it? But anyway, I flirt with guys I think because it’s funny. Maybe? I don’t know. Is your friend mad, terribly?’
I had talked to Sheldon already on the subject and he did argue, saying he was tired of me throwing people at him. But I promised it was a fluke and that she’d behave herself. He agreed on the agreement that I keep myself between the two of them at all times.
On the ride home, I explained this to her, also explaining the guys, briefly. Sort of a Cliff’s Notes version of each of them. Just to warn her, so she wouldn’t be surprised. I knew I liked her because she wasn’t a snob; she didn’t turn her nose up at playing Rockband with a bunch of geeks as some of my friends have. Well, ex-friends.
I usually don’t knock when I know the guys are expecting me, but I felt like that was wrong now. So I did knock, three times, and had to resist the urge to say ‘Sheldon’ after it, and repeat. Leonard answered the door, his face going from curiosity to surprise. ‘Penny?’ he asked, which wasn’t much of a greeting. Then he remembered himself and stood a bit straighter, smiling megawatt at Tabitha. ‘Hello,’ he greeted. I’d already briefed the boys on her sexual preference, so there was no threat of anybody hitting on her. I hoped.
‘Well, come in!’ he said, after I’d introduced the two.
The scene before me was a bit . . . surprising. Well, not Howard and Raj hunched over Raj’s computer, a spirited debate ensuing; or as spirited as a debate could get with Raj whispering into Howard’s ear. I heard the tinny voice of Raj’s mother. I made sure to not walk where the laptop’s built-in camera could see me. It wasn’t that I didn’t like his parents; I just didn’t want to be nagged, too.
No, the surprising part was Sheldon. Or more namely, who was talking to Sheldon. She was a pretty girl, tall with brown hair. She was talking animatedly to him, her arms gesturing here and there. Her smile was large and she leaned into him in an unmistakably flirty way. Oh, and she was in my spot.
Noting the direction of my gaze, Leonard said, ‘Penny, this is Martha. She works with us at Cal Tech. Martha, Penny, our neighbor.’
‘Hello,’ greeted Martha with a smile, before turning back to Sheldon. They were talking about comic books from what I could hear, and while I did catch names I recognized, Rogue, Spiderman, etc, I couldn’t follow it to save my life. Introductions went around as normal, with Howard giving Tabitha a once-over and muttering, ‘Shame’ before returning to his transatlantic conversation.
I wasn’t anal about which spot was whose the way Sheldon was, but that girl was in my spot. I always sat on the middle cushion; it was comfortable. Okay maybe I didn’t really care before but I was slowly coming back into the usual routine. It would help if I had my seat as usual. And who was she, anyway? Why hadn’t I heard of her and why did she seem to be Sheldon’s friend. ‘Leonard,’ I said in a low voice as I followed him into the kitchen. Poor Tabitha had gotten caught by Raj’s parents. ‘What’s the deal with Martha?’
‘What?’ he asked, bending down to pull out a root beer. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Is she like that… the undergrad who was obsessed with him?’
His eyebrows lowered a bit and he peered at me almost suspiciously. ‘Well, apparently he and Raj went to a sort of mixer at Cal Tech and met her. They hung out a couple of times. You know,’ he mused, looking up. ‘I think she might have a bit of a crush on him.’
A bit? ‘Oh,’ was all I said.
I hadn’t brought enough for her, so we had to eat family style again. Both she and Sheldon balked at this but complied anyway. As we all ate, we talked, too. Raj’s laptop was closed, so he kept whispering things into Howard’s ear, who would either laugh, nod, or argue, or relay the information to someone else.
Sheldon and his friend talked amongst themselves mostly, Martha sitting far too close to Sheldon, who didn’t seem to notice, or mind. He was being his usual self, but she was quite a bit like him, that was quickly evident. She had the same interests in comics, and understood all his physics-babble, giggled at some mathematical joke I wouldn’t have gotten even if I had passed algebra. He didn’t talk down to her or remind her of her lack of intelligence. Because there was no lack, she was on his same level. Except unlike him, she clearly had a libido, if the painfully obvious flirting was any indication. Though I suspected she’d probably started off with subtle flirting but cranked it up a few notches. Subtle was not in Sheldon’s otherwise massive vocabulary.
When Sheldon got up to grab another pop, I was on his heels. When he stopped to open the fridge, I hadn’t been expecting it and bumped into him. ‘Do you want one?’ he asked, holding out a can.
I shot a glance at Martha, who was watching us curiously, and gently pushed Sheldon into the corner, just hidden enough to be out of her field of vision. ‘Sheldon, there’s something you should know,’ I hissed, not really knowing where my mouth was going, but plodding on nonetheless. He set down his cans and folded his arms, eyebrows raised. I said, ‘I think Martha wants to have sex with you.’
‘You think?’ It wasn’t sarcastic; his tone asked if I’d misused the word.
I rolled my eyes. ‘It’s obvious with the way she’s acting. She’s been throwing herself at you all night.’
I watched him, my eyes darting from his left to right, waiting for a reaction. He merely regarded me coolly, then looked up in thought. There was understanding, then, ‘You’re talking about semiotics, I presume?’
‘What?’ I’d heard the word before; probably he mentioned it at some point. I couldn’t remember what it meant, really. Something about linguistics and the body. Body language? Yeah, we’ll go with that. ‘Sure, yeah.’
Thoughtful nodding as he seemed to be working over an equation in his mind. ‘Thank you, Penny,’ he told me politely and walked back toward the couch. I followed him, relieved and feeling a little guilty. I had done it because she didn’t deserve to be led on and he should know where things sat. So why did I feel guilty?
It was probably connected to the lump that formed instantly when he sat down next to Martha and said unabashedly, ‘Penny says you want to have sex with me.’
Howard sputtered, his mouthful of soda dripping down his chin. Leonard started laughing and Martha just stared at Sheldon, a slightly horrified look on her face. Then she looked at me, eyes round and darting between frightened, grateful, and pissed-off.
‘Is this true?’ asked Sheldon, unaware of the effect of the words.
Her mouth opened and closed a few times as she tried to find the words to answer the question. Since there were none, and she was left with the truth only, she said, ‘W-well, yeah.’
‘Okay,’ he said simply, then to Leonard, ‘I’m aware you stole my Green Goblin comic.’ And then, she just started talking as if his statement had meant nothing. For a long time, the others, myself included, just watched him, barely able to respond. I did feel Leonard’s gaze on me and when I looked at him, he was thoughtful. Like he was trying to figure out what species I had become. When he caught me looking, he just smiled, and wrote something down in the notebook on his lap.
The rest of the night went on a strange path, slowing in spots and speeding in others, so that I was completely disoriented time-wise when I walked Tabitha down to the front door. Before she went she said, ‘Your friends sure are interesting. The tall one’s kind of a jerk.’
I remembered her letting slip she was a lesbian, and Sheldon then explaining how homosexuality is an evolutionary screw-up (my paraphrasing, of course) and it went against human nature. I didn’t quite understand most of what he said, but I gathered he meant that if we were all gay, there would be no babies. We needed to make babies to survive. He was merely quoting facts, of course, and meant nothing by it. Probably didn’t look down on her… for that, at least. But it was offensive to suggest one’s sexual-preference was somehow any sort of screw-up. Even I was offended. So it was forgivable that Tab laid into him. What was a bit unfair was she flipped his cushion over when he got up. We all had to listen to a five minute rant.
‘Sorry about that,’ I told her as she opened the door. ‘He’s actually very sweet underneath it all.’
‘I’ll take your word for it. See you later,’ she said. But then stopped. ‘Oh, I start filming for that show tomorrow. You should come down. Who knows, maybe they’ll give you a part.’
I laughed at that, doubting it, though I told her I’d think about it.
She left and I went back upstairs. Martha had already left, so only the guys were left. When I walked back in, Raj and Howard were getting ready to leave themselves and Sheldon was nowhere to be found.
I found Leonard in the kitchen, rinsing dishes. ‘Hey,’ he said when he spotted me. ‘So, what did you think?’
‘Of Martha?’
He gave me an odd look, his eyebrows lowered. ‘No,’ he said slowly. ‘Hanging out. ‘Us? It wasn’t too bad, I didn’t think,’ pressed Leonard.
Oh. I’d completely forgotten about him, about our breakup. Wow. ‘Uh, yeah, it was a good start,’ I say lamely, all the while trying to figure out if it was. ‘Maybe next time we should just do it with the guys.’
Again with the suspicious look. ‘Okay,’ he agreed.
I nodded. He nodded. We were bobble-heads.
‘Well, I think I’m off to bed,’ I said. ‘Goodnight. Goodnight Howard, Raj!’
Howard waved at me, continuing his argument with Raj, who smiled in my direction as I passed.
In my apartment, I refused to let my mind dwell too long on the night. I took some Tylenol PM and fell into a deep drugged slumber.
I had to work early and the sleeping pill’s effects hadn’t quite worn off when my alarm sounded. I was so tired I nearly fell asleep in the shower, and forgot, twice, whether or not I had conditioned my hair. On the plus side, my hair was very conditioned when I got out, the comb gliding easily through it. I woke up slowly as I dressed, and I probably committed a crime driving while so tired. Thankfully there was a Starbucks just down the street, so I got double-espresso to further the waking process. By the time I got to work, I was awake enough to thank my stars I hadn’t gotten into an accident.
It was Saturday; I hated the Saturday shift. The morning was always slow because everyone was sleeping in on Saturdays. Yet my boss Bill insisted we keep busy. There are only so many times you can mop the freezer before the fumes make you light-headed. Bernadette, fortunately, was there as well. She scrubbed the bar counter over and over again.
Around lunchtime the the elderly crowd filtered in for lunch and we were all on our toes, rushing to gather orders, refill drinks, and all while smiling like we loved nothing more than to serve them. I had a good section, everyone tipping well and not talking to me like food-service somehow equals mental-retardation. Poor Bernadette, though, had a group of business people who were insanely picky, so kept sending dishes back to be redone. And she didn’t get a tip. At all. I didn’t tell her that, though. When I walked past their vacated table, I set a ten dollar bill from my tip under a glass.
I got off at around three, and boy was I glad to be home. I stepped into the cool interior of the complex with a gasp of relief. I deserved a long, hot shower followed by a trip to get a mani-pedi. Good stress-relief. The second my foot hit the fourth floor landing, 4A’s door opened, and Sheldon stepped out.
Followed by Martha.
‘Oh. Hello,’ I greeted. ‘Where are you two off to?’
Martha, who seemed to not hold a grudge, beamed at me. ‘Planned Parenthood.’
‘Planned Parenthood?’ I must have misunderstood.
‘Yes Penny,’ said Sheldon, shifting his messenger bag. ‘If I am going to engage in coitus, I would like to know that my partner isn’t a host of any diseases. I will get tested as well for while the chances of my contracting anything are minimal, they percentage still exists.’
The smile I’d plastered on my face melted right off. I felt sick. Sheldon was going to have sex. With Martha. I didn’t like that at all.
‘Thank you for telling him,’ Martha was telling me now, grateful. ‘He just wasn’t getting any of the hints I was throwing at him.’
‘Welcome,’ I said, the cheesecake I’d eaten rising up into my throat. And for some stupid reason, I felt like crying. ‘I need to talk to Leonard,’ I said to nobody, and opened his apartment door and let myself in.
I slammed the door shut, resting against it. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. The phrases what the hell and oh my god repeating themselves through my mind like a skipping CD. Had I dropped down the rabbit hole, taken a step into the Twilight Zone? Was I in Narnia?
‘Penny?’ Leonard was in the chair, one leg over the arm, an Xbox controller in his hands. ‘You okay?’
‘Sheldon is having sex?’ My voice sounded accusatory, as if it was his fault.
His thick brows went up. ‘Right now?’
‘He’s going to get tested for STDs right now. With Martha. He said for coitus, Leonard. That means sex, right?’ I hoped to god I was wrong. Even though I knew the definition wasn’t--it was an ACT vocabulary word--there was that small hope that it had a double-meaning. Like, donating blood?
‘Oh,’ said Leonard. ‘That.’
‘That?’ I shrieked.
He set down the controller. ‘Penny, why are you yelling?’
‘I’m not yelling!’ I yelled. Taking a deep breath, I asked, ‘How can you let this happen?’
He shrugged casually, as if this wasn’t bothering him at all. ‘I admit I’m as surprised as you, but he’s a grown man, Penny. He can do what he wants. Frankly I’m glad he’s finally growing up.’
I stood over him, gesturing wildly toward the door. ‘Sheldon can’t have sex, Leonard. He’s . . . he’s . . . it’ll ruin his innocence!’
‘Innocence?’ repeated Leonard, amused.
Now my nose really stung. Tears were coming and my frustration at this knowledge made it worse. ‘It’ll change who he is; he won’t be Sheldon anymore. He’ll be ruined!’
Now he laughed and I really wanted to punch him. ‘Did it ruin you, Penny? When you first had sex?’
‘Well, no but Sheldon--’
‘It’s just sex. It’s not like he’s going to turn into Venom.’
‘Who?’
Ignoring my question, he stood up. ‘Are you okay? Why is this bothering you so much?’
‘It’s not,’ I said, even as I knew this was a lie. ‘I just . . . I think you’re a bad friend. I have to go now.’ And I ran out of there before he could see me crying.
What was wrong with me?
Chapter 23
Rating: PG
Word Count: Over 44,000 in all
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize except California. That I rule.
Spoilers: Up to the Maternal Congruence
Summary: Because of Penny's father, Penny finds herself hiding in the laundry room while Sheldon constructs a dating formula and Leonard performs human experiments.
Author's Note: In this fic, Bernadette and Howard are broken up. I originally had a subplot that revolved around their break-up and make-up. However, I couldn't really work it in without disrupting the flow. I MAY write it as a companion piece but as of now, consider this fic AU in that respect.
(This fic was beta'd by the charming talkingmetaphor without whom I would still have the shoddy grammar that comes from writing while an insomniac)
Thanks everyone for your comments/criticism!
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
22
Penny
It was my first get-together with the guys, all of them, since Leonard and I broke up and I was a bag of nerves.
Sure, I hung out with all but Leonard before, and that was comfortable enough. Well. As comfortable as one can be with a guy who won’t talk, one who won’t stop talking, and Howard. So I knew I was fine with them, and the addition of Leonard, yes, was going to make things awkward. But I should have been okay since I still had three guys I could talk to.
Yet somehow, I felt cowardly. So I invited Tabitha along.
I’d told her about her flirting with Sheldon, since she didn’t remember, and she was utterly horrified and was swearing of alcohol in all forms.
‘I don’t know why I do that when I get drunk!’ she was complaining as we got everyone’s dinner. ‘It’s not like I’m serious and it never pans out. Well, there was this one time I woke up in a guy’s bed.’ Her face was a mask of horror. ‘I don’t like guys. I mean, their penises are so ugly. How do you stand it? But anyway, I flirt with guys I think because it’s funny. Maybe? I don’t know. Is your friend mad, terribly?’
I had talked to Sheldon already on the subject and he did argue, saying he was tired of me throwing people at him. But I promised it was a fluke and that she’d behave herself. He agreed on the agreement that I keep myself between the two of them at all times.
On the ride home, I explained this to her, also explaining the guys, briefly. Sort of a Cliff’s Notes version of each of them. Just to warn her, so she wouldn’t be surprised. I knew I liked her because she wasn’t a snob; she didn’t turn her nose up at playing Rockband with a bunch of geeks as some of my friends have. Well, ex-friends.
I usually don’t knock when I know the guys are expecting me, but I felt like that was wrong now. So I did knock, three times, and had to resist the urge to say ‘Sheldon’ after it, and repeat. Leonard answered the door, his face going from curiosity to surprise. ‘Penny?’ he asked, which wasn’t much of a greeting. Then he remembered himself and stood a bit straighter, smiling megawatt at Tabitha. ‘Hello,’ he greeted. I’d already briefed the boys on her sexual preference, so there was no threat of anybody hitting on her. I hoped.
‘Well, come in!’ he said, after I’d introduced the two.
The scene before me was a bit . . . surprising. Well, not Howard and Raj hunched over Raj’s computer, a spirited debate ensuing; or as spirited as a debate could get with Raj whispering into Howard’s ear. I heard the tinny voice of Raj’s mother. I made sure to not walk where the laptop’s built-in camera could see me. It wasn’t that I didn’t like his parents; I just didn’t want to be nagged, too.
No, the surprising part was Sheldon. Or more namely, who was talking to Sheldon. She was a pretty girl, tall with brown hair. She was talking animatedly to him, her arms gesturing here and there. Her smile was large and she leaned into him in an unmistakably flirty way. Oh, and she was in my spot.
Noting the direction of my gaze, Leonard said, ‘Penny, this is Martha. She works with us at Cal Tech. Martha, Penny, our neighbor.’
‘Hello,’ greeted Martha with a smile, before turning back to Sheldon. They were talking about comic books from what I could hear, and while I did catch names I recognized, Rogue, Spiderman, etc, I couldn’t follow it to save my life. Introductions went around as normal, with Howard giving Tabitha a once-over and muttering, ‘Shame’ before returning to his transatlantic conversation.
I wasn’t anal about which spot was whose the way Sheldon was, but that girl was in my spot. I always sat on the middle cushion; it was comfortable. Okay maybe I didn’t really care before but I was slowly coming back into the usual routine. It would help if I had my seat as usual. And who was she, anyway? Why hadn’t I heard of her and why did she seem to be Sheldon’s friend. ‘Leonard,’ I said in a low voice as I followed him into the kitchen. Poor Tabitha had gotten caught by Raj’s parents. ‘What’s the deal with Martha?’
‘What?’ he asked, bending down to pull out a root beer. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Is she like that… the undergrad who was obsessed with him?’
His eyebrows lowered a bit and he peered at me almost suspiciously. ‘Well, apparently he and Raj went to a sort of mixer at Cal Tech and met her. They hung out a couple of times. You know,’ he mused, looking up. ‘I think she might have a bit of a crush on him.’
A bit? ‘Oh,’ was all I said.
I hadn’t brought enough for her, so we had to eat family style again. Both she and Sheldon balked at this but complied anyway. As we all ate, we talked, too. Raj’s laptop was closed, so he kept whispering things into Howard’s ear, who would either laugh, nod, or argue, or relay the information to someone else.
Sheldon and his friend talked amongst themselves mostly, Martha sitting far too close to Sheldon, who didn’t seem to notice, or mind. He was being his usual self, but she was quite a bit like him, that was quickly evident. She had the same interests in comics, and understood all his physics-babble, giggled at some mathematical joke I wouldn’t have gotten even if I had passed algebra. He didn’t talk down to her or remind her of her lack of intelligence. Because there was no lack, she was on his same level. Except unlike him, she clearly had a libido, if the painfully obvious flirting was any indication. Though I suspected she’d probably started off with subtle flirting but cranked it up a few notches. Subtle was not in Sheldon’s otherwise massive vocabulary.
When Sheldon got up to grab another pop, I was on his heels. When he stopped to open the fridge, I hadn’t been expecting it and bumped into him. ‘Do you want one?’ he asked, holding out a can.
I shot a glance at Martha, who was watching us curiously, and gently pushed Sheldon into the corner, just hidden enough to be out of her field of vision. ‘Sheldon, there’s something you should know,’ I hissed, not really knowing where my mouth was going, but plodding on nonetheless. He set down his cans and folded his arms, eyebrows raised. I said, ‘I think Martha wants to have sex with you.’
‘You think?’ It wasn’t sarcastic; his tone asked if I’d misused the word.
I rolled my eyes. ‘It’s obvious with the way she’s acting. She’s been throwing herself at you all night.’
I watched him, my eyes darting from his left to right, waiting for a reaction. He merely regarded me coolly, then looked up in thought. There was understanding, then, ‘You’re talking about semiotics, I presume?’
‘What?’ I’d heard the word before; probably he mentioned it at some point. I couldn’t remember what it meant, really. Something about linguistics and the body. Body language? Yeah, we’ll go with that. ‘Sure, yeah.’
Thoughtful nodding as he seemed to be working over an equation in his mind. ‘Thank you, Penny,’ he told me politely and walked back toward the couch. I followed him, relieved and feeling a little guilty. I had done it because she didn’t deserve to be led on and he should know where things sat. So why did I feel guilty?
It was probably connected to the lump that formed instantly when he sat down next to Martha and said unabashedly, ‘Penny says you want to have sex with me.’
Howard sputtered, his mouthful of soda dripping down his chin. Leonard started laughing and Martha just stared at Sheldon, a slightly horrified look on her face. Then she looked at me, eyes round and darting between frightened, grateful, and pissed-off.
‘Is this true?’ asked Sheldon, unaware of the effect of the words.
Her mouth opened and closed a few times as she tried to find the words to answer the question. Since there were none, and she was left with the truth only, she said, ‘W-well, yeah.’
‘Okay,’ he said simply, then to Leonard, ‘I’m aware you stole my Green Goblin comic.’ And then, she just started talking as if his statement had meant nothing. For a long time, the others, myself included, just watched him, barely able to respond. I did feel Leonard’s gaze on me and when I looked at him, he was thoughtful. Like he was trying to figure out what species I had become. When he caught me looking, he just smiled, and wrote something down in the notebook on his lap.
The rest of the night went on a strange path, slowing in spots and speeding in others, so that I was completely disoriented time-wise when I walked Tabitha down to the front door. Before she went she said, ‘Your friends sure are interesting. The tall one’s kind of a jerk.’
I remembered her letting slip she was a lesbian, and Sheldon then explaining how homosexuality is an evolutionary screw-up (my paraphrasing, of course) and it went against human nature. I didn’t quite understand most of what he said, but I gathered he meant that if we were all gay, there would be no babies. We needed to make babies to survive. He was merely quoting facts, of course, and meant nothing by it. Probably didn’t look down on her… for that, at least. But it was offensive to suggest one’s sexual-preference was somehow any sort of screw-up. Even I was offended. So it was forgivable that Tab laid into him. What was a bit unfair was she flipped his cushion over when he got up. We all had to listen to a five minute rant.
‘Sorry about that,’ I told her as she opened the door. ‘He’s actually very sweet underneath it all.’
‘I’ll take your word for it. See you later,’ she said. But then stopped. ‘Oh, I start filming for that show tomorrow. You should come down. Who knows, maybe they’ll give you a part.’
I laughed at that, doubting it, though I told her I’d think about it.
She left and I went back upstairs. Martha had already left, so only the guys were left. When I walked back in, Raj and Howard were getting ready to leave themselves and Sheldon was nowhere to be found.
I found Leonard in the kitchen, rinsing dishes. ‘Hey,’ he said when he spotted me. ‘So, what did you think?’
‘Of Martha?’
He gave me an odd look, his eyebrows lowered. ‘No,’ he said slowly. ‘Hanging out. ‘Us? It wasn’t too bad, I didn’t think,’ pressed Leonard.
Oh. I’d completely forgotten about him, about our breakup. Wow. ‘Uh, yeah, it was a good start,’ I say lamely, all the while trying to figure out if it was. ‘Maybe next time we should just do it with the guys.’
Again with the suspicious look. ‘Okay,’ he agreed.
I nodded. He nodded. We were bobble-heads.
‘Well, I think I’m off to bed,’ I said. ‘Goodnight. Goodnight Howard, Raj!’
Howard waved at me, continuing his argument with Raj, who smiled in my direction as I passed.
In my apartment, I refused to let my mind dwell too long on the night. I took some Tylenol PM and fell into a deep drugged slumber.
I had to work early and the sleeping pill’s effects hadn’t quite worn off when my alarm sounded. I was so tired I nearly fell asleep in the shower, and forgot, twice, whether or not I had conditioned my hair. On the plus side, my hair was very conditioned when I got out, the comb gliding easily through it. I woke up slowly as I dressed, and I probably committed a crime driving while so tired. Thankfully there was a Starbucks just down the street, so I got double-espresso to further the waking process. By the time I got to work, I was awake enough to thank my stars I hadn’t gotten into an accident.
It was Saturday; I hated the Saturday shift. The morning was always slow because everyone was sleeping in on Saturdays. Yet my boss Bill insisted we keep busy. There are only so many times you can mop the freezer before the fumes make you light-headed. Bernadette, fortunately, was there as well. She scrubbed the bar counter over and over again.
Around lunchtime the the elderly crowd filtered in for lunch and we were all on our toes, rushing to gather orders, refill drinks, and all while smiling like we loved nothing more than to serve them. I had a good section, everyone tipping well and not talking to me like food-service somehow equals mental-retardation. Poor Bernadette, though, had a group of business people who were insanely picky, so kept sending dishes back to be redone. And she didn’t get a tip. At all. I didn’t tell her that, though. When I walked past their vacated table, I set a ten dollar bill from my tip under a glass.
I got off at around three, and boy was I glad to be home. I stepped into the cool interior of the complex with a gasp of relief. I deserved a long, hot shower followed by a trip to get a mani-pedi. Good stress-relief. The second my foot hit the fourth floor landing, 4A’s door opened, and Sheldon stepped out.
Followed by Martha.
‘Oh. Hello,’ I greeted. ‘Where are you two off to?’
Martha, who seemed to not hold a grudge, beamed at me. ‘Planned Parenthood.’
‘Planned Parenthood?’ I must have misunderstood.
‘Yes Penny,’ said Sheldon, shifting his messenger bag. ‘If I am going to engage in coitus, I would like to know that my partner isn’t a host of any diseases. I will get tested as well for while the chances of my contracting anything are minimal, they percentage still exists.’
The smile I’d plastered on my face melted right off. I felt sick. Sheldon was going to have sex. With Martha. I didn’t like that at all.
‘Thank you for telling him,’ Martha was telling me now, grateful. ‘He just wasn’t getting any of the hints I was throwing at him.’
‘Welcome,’ I said, the cheesecake I’d eaten rising up into my throat. And for some stupid reason, I felt like crying. ‘I need to talk to Leonard,’ I said to nobody, and opened his apartment door and let myself in.
I slammed the door shut, resting against it. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. The phrases what the hell and oh my god repeating themselves through my mind like a skipping CD. Had I dropped down the rabbit hole, taken a step into the Twilight Zone? Was I in Narnia?
‘Penny?’ Leonard was in the chair, one leg over the arm, an Xbox controller in his hands. ‘You okay?’
‘Sheldon is having sex?’ My voice sounded accusatory, as if it was his fault.
His thick brows went up. ‘Right now?’
‘He’s going to get tested for STDs right now. With Martha. He said for coitus, Leonard. That means sex, right?’ I hoped to god I was wrong. Even though I knew the definition wasn’t--it was an ACT vocabulary word--there was that small hope that it had a double-meaning. Like, donating blood?
‘Oh,’ said Leonard. ‘That.’
‘That?’ I shrieked.
He set down the controller. ‘Penny, why are you yelling?’
‘I’m not yelling!’ I yelled. Taking a deep breath, I asked, ‘How can you let this happen?’
He shrugged casually, as if this wasn’t bothering him at all. ‘I admit I’m as surprised as you, but he’s a grown man, Penny. He can do what he wants. Frankly I’m glad he’s finally growing up.’
I stood over him, gesturing wildly toward the door. ‘Sheldon can’t have sex, Leonard. He’s . . . he’s . . . it’ll ruin his innocence!’
‘Innocence?’ repeated Leonard, amused.
Now my nose really stung. Tears were coming and my frustration at this knowledge made it worse. ‘It’ll change who he is; he won’t be Sheldon anymore. He’ll be ruined!’
Now he laughed and I really wanted to punch him. ‘Did it ruin you, Penny? When you first had sex?’
‘Well, no but Sheldon--’
‘It’s just sex. It’s not like he’s going to turn into Venom.’
‘Who?’
Ignoring my question, he stood up. ‘Are you okay? Why is this bothering you so much?’
‘It’s not,’ I said, even as I knew this was a lie. ‘I just . . . I think you’re a bad friend. I have to go now.’ And I ran out of there before he could see me crying.
What was wrong with me?
Chapter 23