Anger
I'm angry right now. Very much so. Not overtly, but seething, simmering beneath the surface. Sometimes so quietly that I forget it's there.
I'm angry that I still can't move on. That I don't want to and that I don't see the need to and that I've deluded myself so heavily into thinking that everything will turn out the way I want it to that I'm not sure anything short of an extreme shock will get me out of it.
I'm angry that I can't do what I know I'm capable of. For years I've heard that I'm not living up to my potential, and I knew that. I knew I was slacking. But recently I've seen glimpses into something that I did not know was there. I'm working harder, yes, working smarter too. But there are periods when I am overcome by something with which I'm not familiar. Extremely difficult problems - in any arena, scientific, literary, political - become trivial. I'm convinced now that I can do things. Things that aren't good, aren't great, but monumental. Yes, I'm tooting my own horn, but the problem is that I can't voluntary reach that mindset. I feel like if I could just get everything under control, I could.
I'm angry at the people around me for not helping. I'm not asking for much, but they're giving me nothing. It's difficult, when you stop feeling lonely because of one person. Then that one person leaves and you realize that she's all you had. I'm really trying very hard, but nothing works. I'm nowhere near the top of anyone's list.
I'm angry at the future. America is collapsing and no one seems to care, or even know about it. Next week I'm going to have to fill out a shit ton of paperwork to convert a large portion of my assets into gold. This is an extremely arduous process because our government doesn't like its citizens having wealth in anything that's not a dollar. Well, the problem is that the dollar isn't the international currency anymore. Middle Eastern countries are switching to the Euro for oil payments, the Canadian dollar will be worth more than the American one by tomorrow, most likely. The federal government will hit the congressionally-set debt ceiling - nearly $9 trillion - by the end of the month. What will they do? Just raise it again. Not spend less, or more wisely, just keep borrowing. And no one does anything. I'm at the point where violent action seems pheasable. I just don't know what I can do about it.
Most of this would not be so bad, though, if when I close my eyes at night, I knew someone, somewhere was thinking about me. But I know no one is. And that's tough.
I'm angry that I still can't move on. That I don't want to and that I don't see the need to and that I've deluded myself so heavily into thinking that everything will turn out the way I want it to that I'm not sure anything short of an extreme shock will get me out of it.
I'm angry that I can't do what I know I'm capable of. For years I've heard that I'm not living up to my potential, and I knew that. I knew I was slacking. But recently I've seen glimpses into something that I did not know was there. I'm working harder, yes, working smarter too. But there are periods when I am overcome by something with which I'm not familiar. Extremely difficult problems - in any arena, scientific, literary, political - become trivial. I'm convinced now that I can do things. Things that aren't good, aren't great, but monumental. Yes, I'm tooting my own horn, but the problem is that I can't voluntary reach that mindset. I feel like if I could just get everything under control, I could.
I'm angry at the people around me for not helping. I'm not asking for much, but they're giving me nothing. It's difficult, when you stop feeling lonely because of one person. Then that one person leaves and you realize that she's all you had. I'm really trying very hard, but nothing works. I'm nowhere near the top of anyone's list.
I'm angry at the future. America is collapsing and no one seems to care, or even know about it. Next week I'm going to have to fill out a shit ton of paperwork to convert a large portion of my assets into gold. This is an extremely arduous process because our government doesn't like its citizens having wealth in anything that's not a dollar. Well, the problem is that the dollar isn't the international currency anymore. Middle Eastern countries are switching to the Euro for oil payments, the Canadian dollar will be worth more than the American one by tomorrow, most likely. The federal government will hit the congressionally-set debt ceiling - nearly $9 trillion - by the end of the month. What will they do? Just raise it again. Not spend less, or more wisely, just keep borrowing. And no one does anything. I'm at the point where violent action seems pheasable. I just don't know what I can do about it.
Most of this would not be so bad, though, if when I close my eyes at night, I knew someone, somewhere was thinking about me. But I know no one is. And that's tough.