Yes, I'm still whining
The denial is starting to lift now that she's gone. I say "starting" because I know that it will get worse, and I'm not looking forward to that. The level of emotional devastation I'm experiencing right now is... complete. That's the only word I can think of - every corner, every pore of my life is full of grief. Everywhere that there once was love or admiration is now pain. The problem is that the love is still there, it's just being squeezed, pushed against the sides, slowly forced through the tiniest holes and cracks, a likely precursor to a full dam break. I hope that does not happen while I'm taking my final on Monday.
I went swimming today for what seemed like the first time in a while. In actuality, it was the first time in a week. But for some reason, the total lack of positive feeling created a gap that the water filled. I felt it against my skin for the first time in years. I've just spent so much time swimming in my life that I don't feel any different in the water than out of it. This has its advantages - rarely is water too cold for me, and it's virtually impossible for me to swim to the point of exhaustion. At least, I haven't yet. I get bored after about a mile. Anyway, back to the point. I felt the water against my skin, pushing against me, holding me up, flowing around me. It was incredible. For the first time in almost a week I felt supported. I hate to use this word in reference to a pool, but I felt... loved.
Crying sucks when you're wearing goggles.
However, my determination to win her back increases by the second. I know she wants what I have to offer. I know she wants her own "happily ever after." I can give her that. In fact, I can do better. I can make every day she lives, every breath she takes the most exquisite experience of her life. I have the time, the devotion, and the resources.
If only she would let me.
I went swimming today for what seemed like the first time in a while. In actuality, it was the first time in a week. But for some reason, the total lack of positive feeling created a gap that the water filled. I felt it against my skin for the first time in years. I've just spent so much time swimming in my life that I don't feel any different in the water than out of it. This has its advantages - rarely is water too cold for me, and it's virtually impossible for me to swim to the point of exhaustion. At least, I haven't yet. I get bored after about a mile. Anyway, back to the point. I felt the water against my skin, pushing against me, holding me up, flowing around me. It was incredible. For the first time in almost a week I felt supported. I hate to use this word in reference to a pool, but I felt... loved.
Crying sucks when you're wearing goggles.
However, my determination to win her back increases by the second. I know she wants what I have to offer. I know she wants her own "happily ever after." I can give her that. In fact, I can do better. I can make every day she lives, every breath she takes the most exquisite experience of her life. I have the time, the devotion, and the resources.
If only she would let me.