Sometimes, I really don’t know how to say I love you
Chapter 2b/2 (Final)
Memory
Changmin froze in his tracks when he heard the soft sounds of weeping. Yunho’s whole body shook with each sob, he’s sat on the grounds, under the tree behind their school garden. Changmin preferred to watch from the distance, far enough way to be out of the boy’s sight but close enough to still heard the boy’s weeping.
Changmin walked quietly towards him, he lingered behind the tree, silent, watching the other boy’s figure. Yunho was on his knees, his head buried in his hands. He watched hopelessly as tears spring to yunho’s eyes.
Yunho, he was new kid in his elementary school, though they’re classmate, changmin not really know him. Yunho had never likes to talk, he spent his time reading the book. He didn’t like to socialize with the others as he keeps the distance.
Changmin was also aware that yunho always alone, and even more obvious when the boy’s parents never showed up to pick him up in school. Changmin was unsure of what to do, he‘s not good to comfort people, he could walk away and pretending not to see him, but he can’t, he can’t walk away and let the boy cried alone.
“Yunho?” he whispered, and the boy’s froze. Yunho wiped his face with his sleeve. Changmin knelt down beside yunho, the boy glancing at him from the corner of his eye before he looking away seconds later.
“Why are you crying?” Several tears ran down yunho’s face once more, he wiped them with his sleeves, ashamed, trying to hide his sorrow.
“I’m not crying” Yunho said, avoid changmin’s gaze. Changmin tensed, his brows furrowing together.
“Yes you’re”
Tears spring up in yunho’s eyes, but he fights them. “Please leave me alone”
Changmin stared at him for a long second. He was just a boy, he didn’t know what to do. “I won’t leave you”
Yunho turned to face him fully. “Why do you even care!” he snarled “I don’t even know you” His eyes were red, his body shaking from rage.
He just wanted to be noticed, to be treasured. His parents never cared. He had no one to share, they always left him behind.
He needs nothing.
He just wanted to be loved.
Yunho squeezed his eyes tightly shut, trying not to cry, he buried his face in his palms and let out a stifled, anguished cry. Changmin watched the boy helplessly, he taking the boy’s hand and simply holding it. He wanted to say something to comfort him, to share the burden the boy’s had, but he doubted yunho would truly open up to him, they never been close, and it’s the first time they really have small talk.
Yunho blinked in surprise, but he let changmin hold hands. His breaths quickly calmed down as he felt changmin’s hands holding him tighter. He enjoyed the security it provided him with, a sense that someone with him, that here, someone actually care about him.
They fell silent for a moment, changmin wondered if he were doing the right thing, maybe yunho needs time to be alone, but- he can’t let him alone, the boy always alone all this time, the sight of him crying, make changmin wants to stay with him, to assured him that everything is gonna be all right.
They didn’t say anything, just sat there silently. Slowly, yunho stop sobbing. He looked up at changmin, with anxiety in his eyes. “You can go now, I’m fine” his voice was shaky.
“Yunho,” changmin began after long moment of uncomfortable silence between them “Can I call you yunho?”
The boy looked up at him with an expression that tore changmin’s heart. “I’m not gonna leave you yunho…” his voice closed up around the words.
“Don’t pity me” yunho snapped, changmin feared he would break down into sobs again.
“I don’t pity you” changmin whispered, “I-i just wanted to be with you” he stared helplessly at him “You will never be alone”
“You promise?” Yunho’s voice cracked, he concentrated on changmin’s face who was watching him with dedicated, vulnerable eyes.
“I promise” Changmin heard him sobbing once more.
“Thank you” he chokes out and changmin held him until yunho can compose himself.
*
The memory was unsettling, it’s been hours now, late at night he always presented by the same problems. Yunho’s mind continues to race, with memories of the well spent day with changmin in their childhood, how happy the used to be.
Yunho draws the blanket around him, he shuts his eyes as further distant memories of his action toward changmin begin to crowd on his head. He was exhausted, he didn’t want to think of changmin, he often stayed awake until his vision blurred, reading a book to help him stay awake. Many nights he spent in night club, to forget the memories, but he realized that one certain thing he couldn’t avoid.
He was brutally raped his best friends.
His room still haunting of the memories when he pressed changmin down into the bed and taken him roughly.
Yunho bite his lip, a feeling of guilt flashing through him, guilt for what he had done to the innocent boy who trusted him with all his life.
*
I will always love you
The sounds of the bell rang, startled him, he stared at his watch, it almost 2 am, who would be coming to his place in such hour. It couldn’t be his parents, his father and mother stayed in Perth until next weeks.
He get up with a sigh, he pushed his blanket and took time to walk towards the door. He peeked from intercom and flinched in response, surprised that it was changmin who stood in his front door.
Sweat pouring down his face, all he wanted to do was run, anywhere but near changmin. Yunho pauses at the door, sucking in a hurried breath before opening it.
“C-changmin?” the door slams shut, he is left only with the sound of changmin footsteps entering his place and sound of his hammering heart.
Changmin eyes go wide with fear for a moment, a look yunho has seen when he took him. Changmin takes a long second to glance around the place, this is where he was raped.
“Changmin?” He blinks, yunho comes towards him but he made step back before he can touch him.
“What are you doing here?”
Changmin brows snap together in confusion “I come to visit my best friends”
They stand there, both unsure of what to say, yunho taking in changmin’s disheveled appearance. “I miss you” changmin says, eyeing yunho, he smiled.
Yunho was afraid. He was never this terrified before, changmin, his best friend is now coming to him, he looked different than the last time they met, there was no anger in changmin’s eyes, no pain, and it scared him. Yunho can’t read changmin thoughts, his expression is unreadable, the situation yunho had inadvertently put him in disbelief, distrust, intimidated.
Many thoughts crossed his mind, but never yunho once thought that changmin would smile again at him after the rape.
Yunho frowns when he catches a glimpse of blood stain on changmin’s arm. “Changmin” he grips changmin arm, “You’re bleeding” Changmin looked at his left hand and saw a trail of blood snaking down from inside his sleeve.
“Let me see it” yunho held changmin’s hand and rolling up the sleeve. “Oh my God” yunho exclaimed when he saw the numerous raw, bleeding cuts “Y-you did this to yourself?”
Changmin pulled his arm away, covering the cuts again “It was nothing” compare to what you’ve done to me he left the last words unsaid.
“Why?”
“It simply helps me feel better, to forget the pain you had caused”
Yunho’s mouth fell agape, his breath coming in short, he stared at changmin and realized how much broken changmin, there would never be forgiveness for what he had been done to him. Yunho dropped to his knees, his lungs filled with frustration and regret.
“I’m sorry”
Changmin’s face flashed with hurt but he remained where he was and said nothing.
“I don’t care what you do, hit me, yell and scream at me, but please, changmin, please forgive me”
Changmin looked up at him, his expression still not changes.
“I never mean to hurt you, I- I love you”
“Love?” changmin laughed of yunho’s words ”You said it was love?” Yunho was silenced when changmin’s frightening laughter echoing through the walls.
Changmin continued to laugh so hard, there were tears in his eyes, he coughed and finally out of breath and stop laughing, he walks towards yunho who still dropped on his knees on the ground, begging for changmin’s mercy.
“No yunho” he nudging yunho’s chin up with a finger “It’s not love, it can’t never be love” he said calmly.
Yunho shook his head, felt so hopeless “I know changmin! I know and for that I’m sorry… “ His eyes shinny, right on the verge of sobbing, tears running down his face.
“This is what you wanted, isn’t it?” Changmin replied, much sterner this time. He pushed yunho body on the floor as he climbed onto yunho’s lap. Yunho tried to move, but he couldn’t, changmin breath hot on his face.
“Changmin..”
“Sshh” changmin put his index finger in yunho’s mouth as he reached down and pulled his own shirt up. “Sometimes, when you do mistake that hurts a person a lot, an apology doesn’t make it all better”
Yunho gulped as he look at the sight of the man’s body in front of him, “And that person doesn’t really want to see you anymore because they haven’t forgiven you” Changmin reached down for yunho hand’s to caressed his exposed body.
Changmin’s body was covered in more cuts, bruises and it even seemed like some of his skin had been sliced off, most of the cuts and bruises, but there was so many new cuts forming in his body. It’s painful, yunho can’t believe it that changmin did it to himself.
“But I do yunho, I want to see you” Yunho’s mind racing so fast, he can’t breath, he felt like someone block the air.
“Look at me yunho” Yunho didn’t want to look at him, not wanting to meet those eyes again, it frightened him. “This is the body you wanted all along, do you want to feel me again?”
“Stop it”
“No” changmin said, he licks yunho’s earlobe as he move his hips into yunho. “You didn’t stop when I told you so, why should i?”
The tears forced its way out of yunho’s eyes, he trembled all over, “C-changmin”
Changmin moaned obscenely as he writhed on top of yunho, “Did you want to make me your own all this time?”
Yunho simply stared at changmin, he had no words to reply him. “Oh yes you did” he said breathlessly. ”This body is what you really wanted from me” he unzipping yunho’s pants and ran his hands down to yunho’s cock.
“Stop!” Yunho cried, he shoved changmin body away from him, he felt guilty as he watched changmin fall to the floor with his face first.
“Stop changmin” yunho paused, “I never wanted to hurt you, I loved you too much”
“It’s not-” he breathed “It’s not love” changmin remain calm, his face still unchanged, yunho was entirely unsure of what twisted emotions he might find underneath. Changmin glanced up at yunho, satisfied with his horrified gaze.
“Is it because my body scarred, that’s why you just toss me around like trash?” Changmin pushed himself upright, sitting with his legs underneath him, his lips curled into a smile.
Yunho shook his head, frightened and saddened in the same breath. They stood there for a long moment, neither moving.
“Changmin, what should I do to make you forgive me?” he began his words, his voice is low, empty “Just say it changmin”
Changmin rose slowly to his feet and took a step forwards.
“Do you want me to die changmin? I’ll do it for you” the moment when they stand face to face, changmin reached his hands to cupping yunho’s face in his palm.
“You would do anything yunho?” he said bitterness stringing his words together. “I want you to live” Yunho look at him, eyes open wide, now he’s confused, shocked at changmin’s answer. Something in changmin’s eyes burned into him, trapping him further in confusion.
Changmin smirk as he sense yunho watching him in every move, he took a little knife from the pocket of his pants. Yunho gasped in surprise as changmin sticking the knife, but he remained still. He turned the knife over in his hands, and brought the knife to yunho’s throat. “Are you afraid yunho?”
Yunho was panting now, he swallowing thickly, his adam’s apple boob up and down as changmin pressed the knife to the left side of his neck. “No. It’s too easy if I kill you like this”
Changmin brought the knife up to his face “Such a beautiful face” he applied more pressure there, increasing it until yunho felt the edge of the knife break his skin, “Will anyone desire your face after it scarred?” and then without warning changmin drew it across his face. Yunho bit his tongue to prevent him from screaming, he felt hot on his flesh as the blood ran down from his cheek.
Changmin laughed, high as he pulled the knife from yunho’s face. He dropped the knife into the floor. His deep rumbling chuckle echoing through the wall, changmin wondered when the last time he had been this happy. It had been a long time ago, he realized, the last time he laughed like this.
“Look at you yunho” he calmed down after several more laughing fits “You’re not flawless anymore, ugly, scarred, no one ever look at you the same anymore”
Yunho felt dizzy in second, there was the warm blood from his face, running down to his throat and staining the front of his shirt. Yunho look at changmin, feeling like he’s going to burst into tears for split second, not because the pain, he realized how much he damaged changmin, broken him beyond repair. His best friends won’t be the same anymore.
Yunho shut his eyes, wishing changmin would just kill him. It’s easier to leave behind this world than to see changmin endured the pain he had caused.
“Do you still love me yunho?” changmin eyes up to look at yunho.
Yunho is taken back by changmin sudden question, he hesitated before finally answer. “Always, I’ll always love you changmin” he replied, convince with his choice to answer him. Changmin leans forward, resting his forehead on yunho’s shoulder.
Yunho saw him smirk “I’ll show you what hell on earth mean yunho, let’s see, what will your answer if I ask you the same” Yunho concentrates on the beating of his heart for a seconds “My answer, forever would be the same changmin” he answered assuredly.
“I’ll always love you”
Changmin sighed deeply, satisfied with the answer, he put his arms wrapped tightly around yunho’s body, and say nothing.
I’ll live for you
Until you could heal
Could one day smile again
Without pain behind your eyes
*Fin*
Author Note:
Not all rape survivors show their emotions outwardly. Some may appear calm and unaffected by the assault. But most of them experienced physical and psychological trauma as effects of rape.
In most cases, a length of time and often therapy are necessary to allow the victim, and people close to the victim to process and heal.
I really hope no one offended by this story because I never mean any harm, but if I did, I just want to say how sorry I am.
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