Sometimes, I really don’t know how to say I love you
Rating: NC 17
Pairing: Homin (Seme Ho/Uke min)
Genre : Angst, bittersweet ending
Warning : This fic contain of sex, rape, violence, abused, and blood. You have every right to hate this kind of story that's why back buttons were invented. I'm giving you clear warnings about what's in my story and leaving it up to you whether or not you would enjoy reading it.
Summary:
Yunho loved changmin, his childhood friends, since the first time they meet nine years ago. As the years passed, yunho noticed that his feeling growing stronger for changmin. He is falling in love with his best friends. He scared to imagine what would happen if changmin know how he feel about him. He was afraid of losing him, that’s why he just kept his feeling hidden. But everything changed after yunho raped changmin.
Chapter 1/2
It started with love
Yunho loved changmin, his childhood friends, since the first time they meet nine years ago. He loved the way changmin smiled, the way his cheeks flushed when he did mistakes because of his clumsiness. Changmin always be best friends for him since they were small. There was a time when they will spend their time together and tell each other’s dreams. Changmin always dream of being a pro basketball player and he knows yunho’s dream of becoming a doctor. They promise themselves that one day they will pursuits their dreams together.
As the years passed, yunho noticed that his feeling growing stronger for changmin. He wants to be with him all the time. He just wanted the moment when they together would never end. He is falling in love with his best friends. He scared to imagine what would happen if changmin know how he feel about him. He was afraid of losing him, that’s why he just kept his feeling hidden.
When they reached the age of high school, changmin told him that he like a girl named Yoon Hee, the prettiest in cheerleader team. Yunho aware that with changmin being in the basketball team makes him closer with cheerleader, it was about the time until he fall in love with one of them.
“She is perfect” Changmin says.
“I believe so” Yunho gave him short answer.
“Come on! She is sweet, smart and - Beautiful! Praise her a little bit please!”
Yunho laughs, he ruffles changmin’s hair a bit before his best friends bats his hand away with a low snarl.
“She is not my type,” Yunho says.
Changmin roll his eyes.
*
Yunho heart aches every time he watched them at a distance flirting at each other. His feelings mixed of anger and hurt, it hurts so much to know that changmin see him only as a friend. Then one day, yunho saw them walking together that afternoon, he can feel his heart slowly breaking into pieces.
Yunho hear changmin calling his name, but he just pretended not to heard him. He was afraid that changmin notice the pain he feeling inside because of seeing him with another girl. It’s pathetic. The way he love changmin, wanting him for himself.
He doesn’t want changmin date her, that’s why he slowly approached yoon hee behind changmin’s back.
Girl is easy to get, every girl fall for his charm, yunho know this, many girls in his school like him, because he is handsome, rich, and smart. Yoon hee seemed to be one kind of the girl who easy to get, not long after yunho showed her that he care, she fall in love with yunho, though he doesn’t want to do it at first but yunho pretended that he like yoon hee too. He’s willing to do anything to keep changmin away from yoon hee.
*
It happened when he had first broken heart
When changmin goes to his basketball practise, he doesn’t know what yunho does. He never knows what yunho is up to, half the time he can hardly figure out what he’s thinking. Yunho never show any attention in sport or other things but his book, he love spending his break time in library. Reading heavy book that changmin would never read of it.
Then it was happened in the afternoon when changmin go to library. He went to asked about math, changmin sweeping library furiously to find yunho, the other students worked silently reading their book. After a while changmin heard voice from the corner, he knows in an instant it is yunho from the soft laugh he lets out. Changmin walked to the voice direction, but his footsteps stopped when he heard another voices, female voices, talking with yunho.
“You should drop your books more often” he jokes, yunho’s hand sliding quickly across the girl waist.
“Why?” the girl asked in her sickeningly sweet voice.
Yunho smirks, hands now cupped the girl face “Because I love to catch you when you fall” he leaning forward and caught the girl lips with his own.
Changmin stood there dumbfounded, stares as yunho kissed yoon hee passionately. He wanted to run, but when he attempted to make the move he dropped the book in his hand. The sound is clear enough for them to noticed changmin existence out there.
They stopped kissing, yoon hee blushed, her lips is swollen, her hair was messy. Changmin looked at his best friends, but there were no shamed or guilt in yunho’s face. As if he was happy that changmin witnessed them kissed.
“I-I’m sorry to interrupt ..“he said before he walked away from them. It was really hard for him to make his voice sound steady, he cursed himself when he realized that he was crying.
*
Two weeks passed after that, changmin avoided yunho as much as he can. He still can’t forgive yunho, he just steal the girl he likes after stated that yoon hee is not his type. And he knew that changmin like her, he felt like yunho betrayed him. They’re friends, if they love same girl, changmin will retreat for yunho, because for changmin, their friendship is more important than everything. He can’t understand why yunho not honest with him.
After what happened, yunho not even bother to apologize to him. Changmin started to doubt their friendship. He doesn’t want to come into conclusion because it could ruin their friendship. Changmin decide that they should talk face to face, he just want to make it clear.
He already forgive yunho, he just can’t hate him. Yunho is his best friends, he doesn’t want their friendship end because a girl. Changmin decide to meet yunho in the library. He found the man and quickly sat beside him.
”Do you like her?” Changmin says, yunho watches changmin for three seconds and turns back to his book, unable to meet changmin’s curios eyes.
”Yes,” Yunho said, eyes still on the book.
“You said she is not your type!” Changmin complains, snatching the book away from yunho. Now he got yunho’s full attention.
Yunho stares at changmin eyes on eyes “I changed my mind, she is cute and- we just fall in love”
"I’m sorry changmin" yunho turn his head and stared at the floor below, his face full of shame.
Changmin looked at yunho sadly and felt his heart ache painfully ”Don’t be sorry, I’m happy as long as you and yoon hee are happy. I don’t want this ruined our friendship”
Yunho smiled bitterly “I promise you it won’t”
*
It was two months later they broke up
“It didn’t work out” they sit side by side in yunho’s apartment. He lived alone since his parents always traveling for their business expansion.
“Mind to tell me why?” changmin asked quietly.
Yunho leans back to changmin shoulder, eyes closed. He looks comfortable, at peace, whenever changmin around him.
Changmin watches him. “Seeing you like this, you act like lost kitten. It makes me want to punch your small pretty face.”
“I do not act like lost kitten. And I’m too cute to be punched” Yunho says, eyes still fully closed.
Changmin laughs. It always been like this, every Saturday nights they will spend their weekend together in yunho’s place since his apartment is empty, yunho parents always busy with their job and rarely home. But it’s such a luck for them because they can get a place where they could feel comfortable to wasting their time smoking or drinking beer without parents around them.
Changmin watches yunho carefully, now curious. He’s trying to find out the real reason why yunho break up with yoon hee.
“Why did you guys break up?” Yunho not answer him, changmin felt like yunho pretending not to listen his question. Changmin nudges him with his shoulder “Come on tell me”
Yunho now open his eyes and looks up at changmin, his expression is unreadable, changmin doesn’t know exactly what his best friends thinking. Yunho sighed and gulped his beer.
“If you don’t want to tell me, fine! Just stop being shits!” Changmin says harshly.
Yunho drains his beer and throw the can to the floor. “You really want to know? Fine! I’ll tell you!” yunho glared at changmin. “She asked me to sleep with her, and when we gonna do it, I can’t!” he says, speaking loud against the sudden silence.
“She said I never really like her! And she’s right, every time I kiss her, every time I touch her, that person always comes into my mind like plague”
Changmin looks at him “W-what does that mean?”
Yunho pulls changmin into a hug “She just a fling changmin,” yunho says. Changmin held his breath as yunho caressed his hairs, he thought yunho must be drunk and not noticing what he was doing right now.
Changmin doesn’t like the way the conversation is going, but he keep sat there unmoving and let yunho hugging him. Yunho’s heart clenched painfully and he felt the hot burning begin in his eyes again.
Don’t be coward yunho. Just tell him the truth.
Yunho swallowed hard and muttered, "That person, it was you. The one I really love since the beginning, I never like her."
They stared each other, yunho look at him with the same expression he always does, the one that reveals love and tenderness.
“Yunho,” he says.
"I love you" said yunho with a smile. "I love you so much." And then yunho was leaning down, and crushed his lips to changmin’s. Changmin can felt yunho’s mouth against his own. Yunho opened his mouth slightly to deepen the kiss and was rewarded with a moan from changmin as he put his tongue inside.
Soon things heated up quickly as yunho pushes changmin down until he laying below yunho. Yunho kisses him again, his hands found their way to unbuttons changmin’s shirt. As yunho unbuttoned his shirt, changmin flinched and realized what they were doing. He pushed yunho body away from him and get up from the couch.
Changmin was flushed, he’s panting “I’m sorry,” changmin said, his eyes avoiding yunho’s “I can’t be with you,” Yunho look at him, eyes gone red with anger, with tears.
“Give me chance changmin” Yunho steps forward into changmin’s space, and plants his hands on either side of changmin’s head, cages him in against the wall.
Changmin held his breath before he continue ”I can’t. Y-you’re like a brother to me, I’m sorry”.
It’s a lie. It’s a lie and yunho tells himself that again and again, but it doesn’t stop the sting of it, the way it pinches at his heart. Changmin steps to the side to get away from yunho, but yunho catch his arms and pushes him against the wall again.
“Yunho please let me go” he pleaded.
Yunho leans into him, brushing his lips over changmin’s ear, trailing his lips down his jaw and neck. The movement is enough to make changmin shiver.
“No- Yunho” he says sounding a little desperate “please stop it” He tried to push yunho body away from him.
“Don’t-“ yunho’s voice is a warning, but changmin ignores it. He’s struggling to break free.
Changmin opens his mouth to speak but yunho doesn’t let him. Yunho grabs his collar and pushes him towards the bedroom. Changmin fights him all the way, he screams for help, he punches yunho and it’s enough force to make yunho stumble backwards for seconds. But yunho is too strong, changmin feel so helpless, now yunho on top of him on the bed. Yunho kisses his lips, his forehead, his eyelids.
Changmin keeps struggling, even though he knows he’s not getting out of yunho’s hold. He struggles until he’s too tired to do it anymore, until he’s out of frustration and can do nothing but lay still, exhausted.
“Stop it please” changmin says, tears all down his cheeks.
“I love you changmin, I really love you” He says it quietly into changmin’s ear. Changmin doesn’t understand the love. Any of it yunho doing to him, it’s not love.
“Stop” Yunho shakes his head and kisses changmin again. Changmin is still tense underneath him, he’s shaking now as yunho undresses him slowly. Changmin is now naked, he went limp beneath yunho, watching the celling instead of looking into his eyes. Yunho presses a kiss to his exposed collar bone and changmin swallows heavily.
“I love you” Yunho says. Changmin trembled in fear as yunho ran a hand along his inner thigh with frightening gentleness, changmin looks furious once more and starts to scramble away, closing his legs. Yunho climbed between his legs and grabs his thighs, presses his weight against changmin to keep him in place.
Changmin was laid back on the bed sobbing and covering his face with his hands.
”No yunho! Please” he begged “Please, don’t do this to me!” Yunho placed his cock at changmin’s entrance and pushed inside him. Changmin’s body immediately went rigid and then started thrashing wildly.
*
It changed when yunho raped changmin
Consciousness returned slowly for changmin as he was gradually pulled back to reality, he was filled with the feeling of being violated. Grunts filled the air, he was being filled, he was being thrust again and again. He snapped his eyes open widely, instinctively struggling, he is on his back, pinned at the wrists. A hand is placed over his mouth. Yunho has his entire weight over him, took him roughly, his face is sweaty as he riding above him.
Changmin tried to struggled, but yunho pressed his body even harder. He screamed, but yunho’s palm in his mouth covered his voice escaped from his throat. The pain was so intense, tears ran down his face.
He continued to sob, he never understand why yunho did this to him, the pain making him dizzy. It’s not love.
Yunho moaned between his thrust, he pulled out his cock completely and slammed in over and over again. Yunho violating him so roughly, the pain is too unbearable, changmin shut his eyes hoping that it’s gonna end soon.
After a long, fear-filled moment of silence, where the only thing that could be heard was yunho's harsh breathing, he was in the brink of madness now. Yunho staring at changmin, his best friends looking at him, face filled with tears and sweat, he begging him to stop. Yunho wanted it to last longer but it was impossible. He finally came and it was the best feeling in the world. He spilled his seed inside of changmin.
Changmin lay still staring at the ceiling, his breathing shallow and rapid. His back burned and throbbed from the rape. Why that was what changmin said, but maybe yunho can’t heard him. The pain is unbearable, he fell unconscious minutes later.
Yunho pulled out his cock slowly. The sudden realization of what was he had done struck yunho as he realized at the amount of blood that covered both his cock and changmin’s thighs.
I rape him.
Yunho were digging his palm with his nails, hands clenched in tight fists, as the reality set in.
He will hate you forever
Yunho couldn’t stand it anymore, he put his palm to cover his ears. He looked at changmin unconscious body, naked and abused, he still can see the bruises, and bloods between changmin’s thighs.
Yunho felt lost all self control. He wondered what would happen after changmin wake up. Tears welled up in his eyes as he thought of it, changmin will hate him forever. Yunho went into the bathroom, he looked at himself-the rapist- in the mirror. He never felt so disgusted to himself, he laughed, high and nervous. The picture of himself scared him. There was an unsettling frenzy in his eyes, maniac, rapist, lunatics. His right hand clenched into a fist as he continued to laugh, there were tears in his eyes. Yunho savoring the irony of his life, he just raped the one he loved.
**TBC**