Two-thousand and seven.
It's not quite December but it is after 1am and I am about to just say fuck it and go to bed alone.
In my history class we talked about how people usually remember the major HAPPY events in their lives. When asked what things stood out from our childhood the most, everyone had some happy memory. Not me. Anything that stands out anymore are the things that make me feel life is cruel and unfair.
This year I've learned how life that we know can change so fast. Things that have been constant for such a long time all of a sudden are inconsistent. Sometimes it's simply a matter of all the things a person pretends are a certain way are suddenly brought to light as how they REALLY are... and it's not pretty, or easy to accept.
This year I've realized that for as much as I love my friends for being wonderful and supportive, they don't fix everything. As much as I hate to feel this way, I need outside help. I learned that I can get to a point where I don't care about myself as much as I should and it's not fair to anyone really, especially my mom since she needs me as much as I still need her.
This year I've found that I can close my heart off so well without ever intending to. I can choose not to care about people and I can use people without even a thought of how bad it may be. I can care about someone who cares back and feel that I have too much baggage and can't ever open myself up enough to have that person want to stay. I don't ever really hurt because the other person is fucking me over. I suppose I've learned that I am the only one who can hurt me anymore, and I am so extremely good and doing that.
This year I've learned that I will apparently lose at least one amazing person every year as that has been that pattern somewhat. I've learned I can't watch movies involving deaths and funerals without being scared of what the future holds for me and my family. And people are always alone when you strip everything away.
2007 has been a trip and I don't think I really expect anything spectacular in the next 5 weeks. I also can't say I expect 2008 to be better. I just expect it to come and go all the same.
In my history class we talked about how people usually remember the major HAPPY events in their lives. When asked what things stood out from our childhood the most, everyone had some happy memory. Not me. Anything that stands out anymore are the things that make me feel life is cruel and unfair.
This year I've learned how life that we know can change so fast. Things that have been constant for such a long time all of a sudden are inconsistent. Sometimes it's simply a matter of all the things a person pretends are a certain way are suddenly brought to light as how they REALLY are... and it's not pretty, or easy to accept.
This year I've realized that for as much as I love my friends for being wonderful and supportive, they don't fix everything. As much as I hate to feel this way, I need outside help. I learned that I can get to a point where I don't care about myself as much as I should and it's not fair to anyone really, especially my mom since she needs me as much as I still need her.
This year I've found that I can close my heart off so well without ever intending to. I can choose not to care about people and I can use people without even a thought of how bad it may be. I can care about someone who cares back and feel that I have too much baggage and can't ever open myself up enough to have that person want to stay. I don't ever really hurt because the other person is fucking me over. I suppose I've learned that I am the only one who can hurt me anymore, and I am so extremely good and doing that.
This year I've learned that I will apparently lose at least one amazing person every year as that has been that pattern somewhat. I've learned I can't watch movies involving deaths and funerals without being scared of what the future holds for me and my family. And people are always alone when you strip everything away.
2007 has been a trip and I don't think I really expect anything spectacular in the next 5 weeks. I also can't say I expect 2008 to be better. I just expect it to come and go all the same.